Listen up.

The questions in your mind are normal and the ups and downs normal. Everything you feel is what any human being in your position would feel.

Same for her.

Neither what you are feeling nor what she is feeling has anything to do with where you two will wind up in the end.

You must address yourself this way..."Yes, I am a human being and a man who has feelings. Yes, I will follow the marriage builder plan as I feel things and see where it goes and what I learn about life on the way."

Then, do what you must do legally to keep your finances in the best shape. Also, go after as much custody as YOU feel you would want for your children and

otherwise, follow the plan.

Her exposure conversations show how powerful it has been. Do not engage in discussion about it as she spews about it. Know that you hit her fantasy affair big time.

What plan are you in?

If Plan A, how are you meeting your wife's EN's?

You know Lexxy, I have to be honest, I really don't know what plan I'm in anymore. My wife rarely contacted me (and only via texting) since the exposure. Over the past two weeks, she's been texting me regarding the kids (and then ripping on me for the exposure). So that was what I had to work with in regards to communication. Last Friday she called me to ask a non-kids related question (the first I recall since exposure). Today she called to answer a question I had about DS's college tests. She chose to call me, as opposed to texting me. So that's twice recently she called.

The reason I just explained all that is it's *possible* that she's allowing more avenues to be open to communication (for good or bad). Therefore, it increases any opportunities I have to Plan A.

The lack of communication following exposure, I was leaning towards Plan B. But if there is a chance for more communication to be opened, then I am still in Plan A. I'm just standing by right now to see how she reacts. There are little subtle nuances appearing from her that may mean absolutely nothing and I'm waiting to see where they may lead before firming up on either plan.

Because believe me, with her total disregard for communication the weeks following exposure, there's no way I could ever have met any of her EN's.

That's because you have expectations. Exposure was part of Plan A. Now you need to initiate contact with your wife knowing that she may or may not respond. And if she does respond, you're expecting it to be pleasant. The more you communicate with or without a response or a positive response, the better your chances are of getting her back. If you're just sitting back watching, that's all that you'll get in return. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's not being a doormat. It's letting her know you care. If you are wanting her to be nice, forget it. It's not going to happen. You pretty much have to step in and expect the punches to fly. She will tire out from swinging. You just have to stay in her corner and keep going. The anger will go away. I know you're going to say my situation is different, but the way our wives have reacted is the same. I wish I had my wife's family in my corner like you do. I had days where I would text to see how she was doing and would get nothing back. I kept doing it anyway. It worked for me to get the communication going. Try something different or you're going to get the same result.

Get aboard!

Find your Plan A opportunities.
I told you before -- a trip would have been perfect.
Hit that financial security need hard.

Help her with family relationships. Son in particular.

C'mon. Get with the program.

He is insisting that I give him everything that he wrote out to me about the affairs and all of his hand written answers to my questions. He wants them BEFORE we walk into the polygraph office. I have already made copies, so should I just give him the originals? He said he wants to destroy them. We won't receive poly results until tomorrow.

Sure.

Keep your copies safe safe safe.

I haven't posted here in a long time. Things are still on track for my divorce to become final here soon. But I wanted to update this in case anyone in the future read my thread looking for advice.

I would like to advise people to really, really think twice about using Facebook to expose. I did this back around the beginning of February and it caused my WW to file for divorce.

I learned last night that my WW was all but packed and ready to head home when I sent out the FB message. Now I have to be honest that I'm not sure if I believe this or not. I heard it from our neighbor, who I trust, but I just don't know if this can be true or not.

So now there's a small part of me that is sick with the thought that I may have ruined my chance at reconciliation because of the FB exposure.

So please think about this method of exposure very carefully before doing this.

No sir, don't you dare criticize the proven methods here when it was YOU who failed to implement them fully. YOU are the one that didn't have the guts to attack the OM. YOU are the one that blitzed your WW with exposure and left the OM completely alone. It was YOU that turned the snake into a KISA because of your lack of ability to man up and take this POS head on. It was YOU that was stubborn and ignored all the vets and conducted his own Plan C.

This is all on YOU. I am truly sorry for what you are going though but it's takes an extraordinary amount of gall for someone to criticize a proven plan when he didn't have the balls to implement it fully.

Sorry for the harshness, but this pisses me off beyond belief.

stillwaiting, an exposure would not stop a wayward from reconciling who was serious about reconcilation. Anger about exposure is a sign of the fog. A WS who was serious about making amends would obviously not punish you for exposing her bad deeds. Your wife was not coming home anyway and is using your exposure as an excuse. I assure you this would not stop her if she wanted to reconcile. I am sorry it didn't work out for you.

Exposure is the most effective weapon against an affair. It doesn't work every time, as there are no guarantees, but it will never stop the reconciliation of someone who is really serious.

Stillwaiting, I can't remember your situation, but if what TigerWes says is correct, you did a trickle exposure. In my Exposure 101 thread, here is what I wrote about halfassed exposures:


Trickle exposures are like bringing a pea shooter to gun fight. It achieves nothing other than pissing off your opponent so that they come after you with the gun. You just end up shot. If you didn't expose to the OM's side of the family, that was a huge miss.

Really? You're going to advise people NOT to do FB exposure based on something you heard and don't even know if you believe? If your WW was really "packed and ready to head home" wild horses couldn't have stopped her. How convenient that she says this after the fact and how sad that you are buying it.

I agree with Tiger, how disingenuous to try and convince others not to do something that has clearly worked for others and is advised on here nearly every day. You can try to blame it on FB exposure but it's obvious your WW had no intention of returning home. The FB exposure did its job. It shone the light on the lies she was living. So what does she do in response? Tell more lies to cover her [censored] instead of being humbled and repenting to her husband.

I'm very sorry that your WW is still wayward but I don't think NOT exposing her would have changed anything. I'm also sorry that you chose to cherry pick MB. If anything your story is a warning to those who choose to do the same. There's a reason it is said around here that the road to recovery is very narrow.

Thanks Melody.

I'm sorry everyone. I'm not bashing the MB methods, I just merely stated that one should think carefully, that's all.

You are blaming MB concepts for your wife's foggy excuses. One should "think carefully" before believing the fogged out excuses of a lying, cheating wayward.

There has been much more than careful thought invested in the concept of exposure, stillwaiting. Dr Harley has been in practice for 35+ years and has long successful experience using this method. I have seen untold #s of marriages saved over the years with exposure. Most of here in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure.

Exposure did not work in your case, however, no one ever gave you a guarantee. That doesn't mean that others can't benefit from it.

But you thought 'so carefully' that it stalled your exposure. Your 'analysis paralysis' is what caused your WW's affair to go past the point of no return, IMO. If I recall your thread correctly, posters begged you to get off the fence and get to work, and you continued to balk.

I suspect your WW was not anywhere near packed and ready to come home - that's her way of dumping her sin on you. And here you are, accepting it. If she was truly ready to come home, FB exposure wouldn't be a blip on her screen.

Stillwaiting,

What does exposure do? It sheds the light of truth on injustice. What is wrong with that? How can it ever be wrong? Was it wrong for Ghandi or King or Moses to expose injustice? We teach about "exposure" to our children all the time. And when it comes time to put it into practice, we shrink out of fear.

And if your wife chose not to come back to you because the truth about her misdeeds was revealed, and she places more importance on that than on a husband who fought vigorously to save his marriage, than my question to you is, is she worth having back? Dr. Harley recommends exposure BECAUSE the others in your WW's life will see the affair, condemn it, and bring about in her shame and shun that will pressure her and help to snap her out of her fog. Does it work all the time? No. In fact it often fails to help. But according to Dr. Harley, who has years and years of success saving marriages, exposure is still the best chance you have. Get rid of second thoughts about exposure. You gave your marriage your best shot by doing it.

Don't lose site of the big picture, my man. You exposed for the right reasons and your WW chose sin over righteousness. For some people free will is like rope that you hang yourself with.

SW,

No matter what the results were, don't accept blame for exposing or what your WW did or continues to do. It's not your fault. I know you question a lot of things and wonder "what if", but you can't do that to your self. It was her who did this. It was her choice. She gave up her life for the life she has now. Yes it hurts and yes it sucks. She left the marriage months ago. You did what you had to do to try to save your marriage. That makes you a great man for trying to reconcile even though your WW caused a lot of damage to you and your children. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to fight for your marriage.

We don't always succeed in saving what we know is the better option. You don't have control over that. You can only control where you go from here and decide what's best for you and your children. Make the choice to recover and find peace in your life. You will have many questions that go unanswered. Don't drive yourself crazy over it or you won't move forward. Hold your head up high and know that you tried your best.

I was told the same thing about the FB exposure. I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept our business private. I told my ex that had I not done that, she would still be with the OM. Had the OM not been military, she may have stayed with the guy. I don't know for sure. I too have many questions, but I don't dwell on it. We take chances and they don't always work, but I will not accept any excuses or take any blame for adultery. You need to think the same way. If there was a guarantee that everything on this site works in all situations, there would be way more people here saving their marriages. Dr Harley says exposure is your best method to stop an affair. He doesn't say it works 100% of the time. I'll take a 50/50 shot over a 15% success rate with traditional marriage counseling any day.

Good luck to you. I hope you're taking care of your self.

G

Nice post, GJM.

Hi stillwaiting, FWS [former wayward spouse] here chiming in...


NO, stillwaiting, that is not true. Exposure of any kind is NOT what caused your WW to file for divorce. HER CHOICE to continue HER ADULTEROUS AFFAIR is what caused her to file for divorce.


Oh, I have no doubt that your WW said that, but I can promise you it is FALSE. She is just using whatever she can to pin HER CHOICES on you. You know because life just happens to waywards -- their life is never the result of their own choices -- oh no, that only applies to OTHER PEOPLE. PUH-LEASE. Don't buy what she is selling stillwaiting -- it is bullpucky.


stillwaiting, please get a grip here -- Think about this -- You mean to tell me that you were willing to forgive her adulterous affair and take her back with open arms, yet your telling the TRUTH about HER BEHAVIOR is a deal breaker? Get real. That is completely illogical -- wayward logic, plain and simple. NAH-UH. You are smarter than that, yes?

Mrs. W