So IF she follows through and actually marries the guy, Dr. Harley estimates that they have about a 33% chance of making it 5 years (67% divorce rate).

Those are actually favorable odds ONCE THEY MARRY.

However, IMO from what I've read and researched over 7 years on forums is that almost all of the affairages that do make it are miserable marriages. They may ACT all lovey/dovey on the outside but that's only because everyone around them knows how much they have given up to be together that they both have a vested interest in constantly delivering the appearance of happiness.

There have been several children of affairages that have posted over the years about the misery that went on in their homes growing up. How their parents presented a fantasyland appearance of the loving couple outside the home while living isolated desolate lives behind the scenes often drowning themselves in prescription drugs and alcohol. There are no boundaries, no morality and no decency in these homes. Anything goes (and teenagers love it).

Affairages are born of TWO soulsick individuals. Not a lot of real love, intimacy or commitment to much of anything (other than self) to be found.


In the past I've given another example. My elderly parents belong to a nice social club. It's easy for my mom to spot the 1st wives (and legitimate remarriages) versus the affairages (not that she calls them that). My parents have been together over 53 years and never (that I know of) experienced infidelity yet still her and her real wive friends at the club know to exclude and avoid these affairage couples (and to keep the women away from their husbands). They can smell them the second they walk in the room.

The point is...ugliness and misery become transparent. If they stick it out you're surely bound to end up seeing cracks in the facade. Your wife will surely get hers...in this life AND the next. I just hope and pray for you it's not your children that take the next hit(s).

Mr. Wondering

I hope the kids survive this as well. Our son is angry with her for going ahead with the divorce. He hasn't spoken to her a whole lot and said he doesn't plan to now for sure. Unsure how he will act if she actually does marry this guy. After the divorce was final the other day and I told my son, he told his mom that he would never see her if she brought that other man around. And that the other man meant nothing to him. Her reply was that our son never spoke to her and pretty much didn't want to be a part of her life, so what did it matter.

Our daughter is much harder to read. At 15.5 years old, she just knows that she has school, friends, and boys (no boyfriends). So she needs a mother in her life for advice, clothes, etc. The placement of our daughter is 50/50 with her wishes taken into consideration. If she doesn't want to go over to mom's, then she doesn't have to.

I told our daughter that at some point mom will be moving in with this guy (from what I heard after her lease is up). This got my daughter's attention. I explained that I wasn't sure how she would react when confronted with seeing her mom with the other man (my daughter replied that she would get mad), and then reminded her that if she felt uncomfortable or didn't want to be there, then she had the right to call or text me, or her brother, or even her other family members, and we would come and pick her up. She does have that ability.

Yes, this I have read in the past. It really makes me think.

I don't know, my feelings are a moving target right now and though I will read this, which on one hand makes me feel a little 'happy', I also know on the other hand that there is a chance that her life with this person will be just fine.

And either way will really make no difference to me in the scope of things. I just continue to have sore spot with the fact that she went about this whole thing the wrong way, hurt a lot of people, burned a lot of bridges, and never gave our marriage a chance.

I guess that thread just shows what can happen.

It will never be "just fine".

Some dear friends of mine are a couple in their late 50s/early 60s. They have been married about 25 years. Their marriage started as an affair in her former marriage.

They got religion a few years after they got married. They've sought forgiveness, lived a life of repentance, but both of them will always have to bear the knowledge what they did was wrong, and eventually, when they make new friends, the story comes out.

I still value them as close friends, but I see them now as people who've made horrible mistakes in the past, and have made the best of it and tried to live a just life.

The XBH has lived a horrible life since the D 30 years ago and my friend's wife will always have to live with the knowledge of that.

Go watch the movie "Bernie".

Not sure what to do about this. Our daughter is getting confirmed in October and she said she would be fine with just the grandparents, her brother, myself and the ex being there. My parents still have a sore spot for how the xww treated the kids and me. So this is just unfortunately part of the fallout of what my ex did to everyone in the family. I don't really have a problem with the actual confirmation, it's afterwards that I do.

Our daughter wants to go out for pizza afterwards. Here's kind of where I'm having a problem. I really do not want to sit there and have pizza with the ex-wife who screwed me over and her enabling mother. If there were more family members there, like her brothers and their families, I would be ok because I could chat with them. But to sit there with those two and perhaps my parents and no one else is going to make for a horrible time.

I would rather that our daughter go to eat with her mom if she wants, and I will take her someplace else later to eat. I was wondering if that would be fair to our daughter? I really don't want any kind of volatile environment should we all go to eat, that wouldn't be good for our daughter. Rather, I think it would be better if we just 'celebrated' her confirmation separately.

This really is too soon for me in terms of doing something together, all of us. Whereas my wife in her selfish world has already moved on, I'm still processing and working on all these feelings. I really don't care to even see my wife. Heck, I didn't even look her in the eyes during our divorce trial because I was so disgusted by what she did to our family. For her to just act like things are normal does not sit well with me at this time.

I do not see a problem with attending the confirmation together, but celebrating the confirmation separately. My daughter may or may not like this idea, but I feel to sit there with animosity towards her [daughter's] mother will not be good either. I know I need to be the big person about this, but it's just too soon for me to sit there and fake that I'm not still pissed. Especially with the two perpetrators sitting across the table from me. I think my daughter would understand.

It's not like our kids are toddlers. They will be 19 and 16 years old soon. They're old enough to know that things will never be the same between their parents. They're old enough to know the hurt and pain their mother put both them and their father through. I mentioned to my son the other day that I will angry with with mom for a long time over what she did to our family. He said "I don't blame you, I would too". The kids understand.

Having had to deal with the awkwardness of too many events with my divorced patents, I think you're making the right call for your daughter's sake.

I would let your wife handle her own celebration LATER and not worry about this one bit. But YOU should have a celebration with your daughter and your parents at the pizza place without inviting your wife. That is how it works when you are divorced. Just explain to your DD that being around her mother is too painful for you and your parents after when she did to you all.

And you will find that your feelings will come back years later and will strive to stay away from her. I have been divorced from my lying, cheating XH now for 13 years and found that being around him triggered all those bad feelings again. So, I avoid him like the plague. I have seen him once in 10 years and it was one time too many for me!

Can anyone explain why I feel this way? Triggers and memories I'm sure.

Today our daughter was confirmed. Today also is(was) our anniversary. So it was difficult to not think that 23 years ago today were were getting married. As I sat next to my ex-MIL and my ex-wife sat two people away during mass.

I didn't day a peep to my ex. She made some comment about something at church to me and I agreed, but that was it. Feelings are so weird. Always fighting between what my heart says and what rational thought says. My heart wanted to tell her that she looked really nice, but then I ask myself why do I want to say something like that to someone who's hurt me and the kids so much. But I also know that I have to just go with what feels right. So even though I didn't say she looked nice, I probably would have, had I saw an opportunity.

I've read where people say you should appear all happy and living life just fine without her attitude when I'm around her. I agree with that at some point in the future, but for now I don't feel like faking any happiness around her - because I'm not. I'm still angry at what she did to us. But I don't show anger around her, I just show indifference. I don't talk to her and rarely even look her way. I think that's a fair way to act around her. If I'm acting happy then, knowing her, she'll just think that I'm doing fine and she'll feel better with what she's done. If I'm angry, she'll just think I'm mean and it will have justified her divorcing me (in her mind). I feel better just ignoring her.

People may be thinking that I shouldn't be worried about what she thinks, and you may be right. But it matters to me that the image that I'm projecting of myself is accurate and true. Not just made up.

If I'm going to continue to post, I probably need to move to a different forum.

So, did you go out afterwards for pizza?

That is was the anniversary of the day you married was added emotional stuff for sure and it sounds like you got through the event fairly well considering the layers involved.

No, I went home afterwards and they went out to Texas Roadhouse. I'm going to take my daughter to dinner another time. It would not have been good to sit at the same table with my ex.