Okay, thank you for clarifying. You are a wonderful resource.

So I am waiting for my IM to get back to me. Will be just a day or two, depending on how many questions she has.

I will cancel my creditcards, bank accounts (bank will have to wait until monday), etc. I will block my wifes e-mail, have caller ID, etc. No need to change locks since I have the only two keys right here.

As for where she met these OM . . . both were at parties, student let parties. Not exactly at school. Both affairs were with students from other colleges. So it wasn't at her classes or in her department. I do have it as a condition "No more nights apart or going out without each other." That might take out the possibility of meeting people at parties.

I understand your point completely, that the cycle will just repeat itself. I need to think about making quitting school a condition.

That, in addition to eliminating all opposite sex friendships might take care of the problem.

Okay, it is on there. Actually, I will also add #7.

My conditions again:

1. End all contact with the xxx for life. This involves writing a letter (agreed by me and you) stating you do not want to see him again.
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency - cell phone, email, facebook, passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> � I will ask you take a polygraph test to see if you have had any other affairs. You see, honesty cannot begin at all until the entire truth is out. Even if I find out there have been more affairs, I will not give up on you.
6. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
7. We will go through your facebook contacts, and you will explain every male contact to me; only those who are relatives or an approved friend will be allowed to stay on.

So when will you be sending it? She comes back in three days you need to be prepared to stay dark.

Are you prepared for that?

Yes, I am prepared for that. No contact except through the IM. Although I have all the apartment keys, I will put an extra deadbolt to make sure the manager doesn't let her in. Cancel all credit cards. Put all her stuff in boxes in an offsite location. Filter my e-mail/block my phone.

I will be sending the letter out today.

Two quick questions . . .

1) What if as soon as she gets the letter she agrees immediately (through our IM) to all the conditions? (this is a likely possibility) Should I make her wait, or talk to her directly, or let her live a few days unsupported to see what her life in the affair will be like?

2) What if she goes straight from the airport to our apartment front door and just sits there until I let her in or she gets to talk to me face to face?

Just thinking ahead here.

This is what I think she will do. I would let her know that if she demonstrates meaningful changes over a period of time that you will consider reconciliation. She has been living on the largesse of a marriage for 3 years while giving nothing whatsoever in return. She needs to EARN her way back into the marriage. A person who has had 3 affairs in 3 years is not serious about being married. I wouldn't support her again unless you reconconcile or are court ordered.

In the meantime, she needs to get a job and support herself. Don't tell her that, though, just let her figure that out on her own.

If she comes to the house, I would not let her in.

My approach would be to say: eliminate all opposite sex friendships and delete facebook. Facebook is a breeding ground for affairs and that is the last thing she should be using.

I think this is very good advice, but how do I track 'meaningful changes'. Meaningful changes seem to be the conditions I am requiring. While in plan B separation, she can do #1 (I can have a friend check to see she e-mails and posts an actual NC letter on his door, but I'd rather see it for myself), #3 (Isn't the point of plan B to cut contact though? Should I go to snooping again?), #5 (Again, I'll have to go with her). Should we start marriage builders while apart?

What I'm afraid of is she will get frustrated at some point, thinking, "I'm agreeing to the conditions. He is still leaving me kicked out!" That will eventually start driving us apart I think, and then there's no hope left.

1. End all contact with the xxx for life. This involves writing a letter (agreed by me and you) stating you do not want to see him again.
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> � I will ask you take a polygraph test to see if you have had any other affairs. You see, honesty cannot begin at all until the entire truth is out.
6. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Oh, and she already deleted her facebook. Did that after the exposure.

Oh, and anyone with links to no contact letter examples? If she agrees to my conditions, that is the first thing that is going out.

If she agrees to those things, you can start seeing each other again but take your time towards reconciliation. Let her demonstrate some real and meaningful changes. Living apart will give her something to work toward. But if you just let her come back home tomorrow on the basis of the "promise" [of a liar] then you will have lost all your leverage and she will be in a position to kick *YOU* out. Do you realize that?

Since she wants to act like a single person and pursue other men, then she should act like a single person and support herself and get her own place for now. She should not get the benefits of marriage since she has NEVER behaved as a married person.

If she is serious about making amends to you and repairing the damage of her affairs, she will do what it takes.

This way you are protected no matter what and she understands she will not recieve the benefits of a married person unless she acts like a married person.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Here are some more, but Mel's example is perfect.
No Contact Letter Samples

Also, please listen to these clips and tell me what you think. Especially where Dr. Harley talks about how both spouses have to be on board with MB for it to work.

Radio clip on Plan B
Segment #2

Absolutely. Delete FaceBook. She has a phone, yes? She can stay in contact with her friends and family the old-fashioned way. NO ONE needs FaceBook. I've done nicely without it.

Tell us how she did it. Deleting Facebook isn't just a matter of hitting a delete key - it involves a window of up to two weeks to truly delete an account. Be clear: Facebook does NOT want anyone to really 'delete' an account, so they make you jump some hoops to do so.

Did she delete her account correctly, or just suspend it? A suspended account can be re-activated immediately. How did she 'delete' her account?

Okay everyone, it's now DONE. I sent her the letter; no more contact except through the IM. I've done the credit card/bank account stuffs. I'm doing the e-mail filter/phone block now. Before she gets back from her country in 3-4 days, I am going to pack up all her stuffs and get it to a storage place. I am going to get the extra deadbolt lock for the apartment just in case. And I am going to finally just get this whole affair out of my mind, even if only for a few days. I am not going to even THINK about it. I don't need it hanging heavy on my head.

Thank you for the no contact letter and examples. I won't worry about drafting one until she makes a decision.

She probably suspended her facebook account. I really don't care at this point until we move into working on our marriage.

I'll go and listen to those radioclips. I'm going to read through all these posts that have been given to me.

I want to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for supporting me and helping me get through to this far. Its quite amazing; strangers helping strangers in their greatest time of need. If I don't come back on this forum for a few days or more, it's because I'm going to just take some time for myself, now that the plan B in fully underway.

jah, I implore you - do NOT leave this site right now! You are at an extremely vulnerable place. You need all the support you can get right now. Stay with us so we can help to navigate you through Plan B.

I agree jah. Stay around, because the first few days/weeks of Plan B can be very painful, my friend.

Wow, such quick replies! Okay, okay. I'll stick around. But maybe I'll check in just once a day or so. I've lost 8 pounds in the past week to all this stress. Feels dizzy when I stand. I think I need to get out and take a walk, get some fresh air.

I got a card in the mail that there's a package for me at the post-office that I can pick up monday. I think it's the 'Surviving and Affair' book that I bought. What timing, huh? I heard it's a good read.