Did you have a hard time having sex with you affair partner?

I honestly am not sure how he is doing......I have asked but he doesn't say much. I am going to stay at the house tonight(in the spare room) and we are going to spend the day together tomorrow so I am hoping we will be able to talk some.

and no, I didn't have any trouble having sex with my affair partners.

sadsam, have you given him the list of details? I am very puzzled about his strange reaction.

You did tell him you had affairs with these people, right? What were the EXACT words you used?

I haven't given him the list yet.
He said, what did you want to tell me....
I said "I am tired of lying and keeping secrets, I have been having affairs,"
He said, "sexual affairs????"
I said Yes,
then we talked a bit about what was happening at the time in our lives and how he wished he had known when I made us appointments to see counsellor. He was resistant to counselling at the time and he would have been more willing to go if he had known something was wrong rather than me just wanting to improve our marriage.

He was way too calm, but he maintains that he has never cheated on me ever. I am waiting until tomorrow to talk to him more.

Something is not right here.

sadsam,

I am probably going to be slammed for this by the moderators, and so be it, but your story just seems flat! I.e. Either not disclosing facts or simply playing games! Ahh, one peck on the cheek in 30 years is totally totally unrealistic. Your H would have known long ago that you were gritting your teeth. Look kid, I have been married longer than you - 40+ years, but even at 30 years for you I would at least expect some sense of remourse or painful feelings - from you nothing except clever disecptions. If you really have a problem in dropping your panties for other than your H (sorry people, I have never felt like being this expicit except for my wife until now), then you have a major personal defect that you have to address WITH you H. But, I am concerned that you seem to be sucking up to and sucking in a couple of people here who I really love and respect - Maritalbliss and Melody Lane. You are damned fortunate that a few other respected members on this board have not posted as yet - yea, I'd love to here how NG would handle you.

I'm considering, just considering applying for a ministry in my faith. And I was thinking, if I did make it to become a deacon and you were catholic and sitting across my desk what would i say to you. Yes, I would slam you at first, but then I think I would challenge you, same as Christ would, to soften your feelings or at least get honest. And I'd also have a red flag here that this doesn't compute!

I firmly believe that all people are willing to forgive and to help if bares themselves with contrtition.

Just my thoughts, but correct me if you feel I am wrong,

Tom

Hi Tom,
I am not great at sharing on here, but I assure you I am sincere. I feel sick with guilt and remorse all the time, for how I have hurt my husband and my children.(even though they don't know for sure what is going on) I have been living with this for so long. I have trouble even eating and if I could I would sleep 20 hours a day just to avoid the pain.
I have been in counselling, and the best advice I could get from someone specializing in women who have trouble with sex is to "force yourself even if you cry, and it will eventually get better"
I have hurt myself for my stupidity and often wish I could just die to stop the hurting of everyone including me.
I don't know now to soften myself, I have begged and begged God to MAKE me soft and vulnerable with my husband but He hasn't answered me yet. I don't know how to change what I am and it kills me.
I know I have a major personal defect no secret there. But HOW do I fix it????

SS, that problem can be fixed, I assure you. But that is like focusing on price of tea in China when your house is on fire. Your house had been set on fire by telling your H about your affairs. And you are here talking about how you don't like kissing him.

Are you being honest with us? Because your husbands reaction makes no sense. It doesn't add up.

I think God is helping you by showing you this website and MB.

God helps those whom help themselves.

MB is a plan to "fix it".

hi again sam,

Well, I didn't mean to be harsh in trying to discourage you, I sometimes am harsh at the beginning, but you at least seem to be at the threshold of beginning to try. I have to agreen with the last two advisors - in Melody that your H's reaction seems too calm, and wondering if you've been totally open. From Brain - yeah it's true - God does not want to carry us, He wants to help us as WE try to progress.

I do understand the pain you must be going thru now as you have expressed, lack of appetite, etc. When you mention God MAKING you 'softer' I happened to think of a History channel feature on the other night about the shroud of Turin, supposidly an image of Christ. Yeah I know, subject to scrutiny and question, but in my own small mind I happen to believe in it. Point is a scientific team attempted to reconstruct the face and the body and the brutality that this guy suffered it was sickening, and if you even suspect this could be Jesus, well if this was someone you know or love you wouldn't even want to know what he/she went through. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it gives me comfort to know that God is human - okay in the person of Christ - and he faced everything we do - grew a beard, had to shave ocasionally, got tired, thirsty, had to pee, ocasionally felt overwhelmed, felt betrayal, laughed quite abit (especially when Peter opened his big mouth inappropriately or slipped on a banana peel), etc. etc. In other words, no matter what your perception is of God, I think it has to incorporate the human element and that He understands what we all go thru, but that He doesn't 'make' us change for better, He loves us and encourages us to do that ourselves. So, when you ask Him to make you 'vulnerable to your H', just simply relax and give Him a chance to talk to you and to guide you. And, His counseling cost-free!

Just my thoughts. Stay with it....Tom

You are talking a great deal about yourself.

If you had, as you claim, told your husband you would have your hands so full with his reactions there would be no time to think about you!

Healing him would also heal you.

Most WWs speak of the sense of relief at not hiding any more but....



This sounds like a woman still hiding.

Stop hiding and you will be shown the path to fixing it.

Lies - to us and to your BH - will only lead to more problems.

I agree with Indie, you have said the word 'I' 20 times here. I believe you do not know how your husband is handling this because you continue to be selfish and worry about how this is affecting YOU before considering how this is affecting HIM.

Agree.

hello again,
Update
It's been a few days and husband is finally starting to react....was getting a bit concerned about lack of response to the confession.
He is asking questions about who and when and I am answering to the best of knowledge. (first was over 28 years ago, long time to remember details)
He is now angry and going back and forth between wanting to save us, and never letting me come home. The anger is much better than the quiet.
Went to counsel alone this week and he is going today, then we will go together. We are meeting on weekend to discuss where we go from here.
Realize that it is not my job, but have been telling people what happened. Trying to be open but husband not happy about anyone knowing.

Have you read this? A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

What just compensation have you giving your BH?

Okay, you're kinda caught in a bind here, friend. Self-exposure is usually a laudable and much-recommended tactic, but....the principle also exists that the BS unilaterally drives the recovery bus, course AND speed.

I'd think about splitting the difference. Limit your self-exposure to a select few who you can rely on to help watch you and keep you on the up-and-up. (You might say you won't need that, but eventually, BH might be comforted enough that his interests were being adequately monitored while he was wrestling with the current demons.)

(Moderate) anger is good. During the early days of our recovery, my wife read a book directed at WWs (I still have never learned the title), and the first important point was, "..and if he's angry at you, bless your lucky stars that he still cares about you enough to invest in anger!"

You're likely to absorb a great deal of anger, SS. Consider that the first installment of JC.

BTW: Telling him every day that you're sorry, and HOW sorry, and for what SPECIFICALLY you're sorry, is a good thing to do.

Sam, can you send him here so we can help him?

Hi sam, am happy that you posted again now recently. NG is right on about the self-disclosure - it is good, but you have to realize that it sort of takes the thunder away from your H. Of course he isn't happy about others knowing about your adultery, his initial reaction is that it reflects back to him. I think that this is the biggest obstacle regarding a public disclosure - that others will judge the BS as inadequate. That is human nature as emphasized by the media and socal networks now - that honesty and humility and even being accused results in others wanting to vent by kicking someone down for being honest. The reason you do not hear any celebrity - politician, entertainer, CEO etc. - admitting anything except as last resort.

Well, am happy you are still here and trying even tho this is tough for you and him. I guess I am a little more liberal than a few of my collegues here in that I'm not ready to question your sincerity at this point in terms of the number of times you referred to the "I's" in your posts. You don't have to try to imporess those here with the right words, and your progress and this process may be slow, you only have to impress yourself and your H with your honesty and good intentions now.

I often offer this, even tho it is NOT a part of MB at all, it is just my bent based on my faith, but I feel compelled to offer it to those who I care about here and that is that this Sunday in my faith is Divine Mercy Sunday. I just suggest you plug into the net and review the meaning of this celebration and feast to me and to mnay others now. In my own humble opinion, this Sunday is almost greater than Easter. That is all I will say.

Only other suggestion is sometimes it may be helpful to look at threads of others so you may want to just look at Lost's thread at this point, and maybe use this as a possible lead for your H to express here.

Keep on plugging sam....

Tom

Hello....
It has been a couple months since I was here. My husband and I have been spending all day every day together except when I am at work. This has been for the past 6 weeks (he took a leave) We have talked until we are both blue in the face. He loves me and I love him for lots of reasons but not THE one reason he wants I have a question, and I know some will probably attack me for it but here goes.
How do I get feelings back for him? Nothing is changing for me. I know it is about HIM now but until I get some desire, he is still just living in my rejection. We are doing counseling together and doing all the work but still nothing. I cannot force myself!!!! I have tried and I end up distraught and in panic mode. What do we do?

How much UA time are you doing? What are you doing during your UA time?

Are you still talking about the affair?