I took it for granted that schools are walkable from where you live. I forgot that every drives in the USA!

You cannot anticipate every problem and stop yourself from applying, though. You do not know that no-one will hire you without your own transport. Someone living near you might allow you to use their transport, as long as you can walk to and from their home.

You could at least make vigorous efforts to advertise, writer. If the problem of transport, or any other issue, comes up once you've made contact, then you will have to move on and try another parent.

Childcare is a valuable resource to parents who want to work. You are the resource that someone else needs. Market yourself, and let the right parents find you.

How's that letter going to Dr. Harley?

Not doing so well. Haven't had a chance to write to the Harley's yet.

3-year-old has been sick for a week and not sleeping at all.

DS 18 left for 2 weeks, said he wasn't coming back because he didn't want to live by our rules (either go to school or get a job and pay rent). Then tonight, while we were out, he called my cell phone and told me he was at the apartment. By the time we got home, he was gone again, but I'm assuming only temporarily, since all of his stuff is here. I have no idea what he's planning on doing or why he came back. I haven't seen him yet, so I don't know if he's willing to abide by our rules.

Going a little crazy right now. This apartment is so tiny and crowded. There just isn't any peace or privacy. It's especially bad when DS is here, sleeping in the living room (often until well past noon everyday).

I really want to run away right now.

For God's sake.

You need to get the keys from him writer. This is totally unacceptable.

He doesn't have a key. He knows how to get in without one. He lost his key a long time ago and we never made him another one. But he's pretty adept at sneaking in. That's how he used to get in when he would come home in the middle of the night after we were all asleep.

Excellent radio clip about a 18 year old is dominating the house. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip

Then do what you need to do so that he can't anymore!

This isn't rocket science writer.

Jeeeez!

The main difference I see is that the son in this case is a step-child and the marriage is of very short duration. So Dr. Harley recommends the couple separate so the wife can deal with her son while still dating her husband, though not living with him, and then wait to get back together until the step-son is on his feet and able to support himself. I imagine he recommended this because the son was draining the step-dad's LB, and Dr. Harley was trying to find a way to preserve the husband's love for his wife.

But DS 18 is our COM and my H and I have been married for 18 1/2 years. Separating wouldn't work in our case. So, I'm not sure much of the advice applies to us.

DS just turned 18 a few weeks ago. He has no skills and no education, not even a HS diploma. He really has nowhere to go. I imagine that's why he came back. If we turn him away, he will almost certainly end up on the streets.

Also, the couple in the clip bailed their son out of jail. I wouldn't do that. My DS hasn't been sent to jail. The laws he breaks haven't been serious enough to result in prison time, but if he were to do something that landed him in jail, I definitely wouldn't have any problem allowing him to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.

What would you like me to do? This is an apartment, and not a very secure one unfortunately. But I'm not allowed to alter anything. I can't even change the locks on the door. The apartment manager would have to do that since they have to have a key to every apartment. And he isn't getting in through the door anyway. He's getting in via the balcony. The sliding door from the balcony into the apartment doesn't lock. He just climbs up on the balcony and comes in.

What does your DH say?

We haven't had a whole lot of time to talk about it since DD is still up. She hasn't been going to bed well since she got sick and she wakes up dozens of times a night.

He did say that DS would have to follow our rules if he wants to stay. But DS still isn't home and I have no idea if he will agree to this, or follow through if he does agree. This child has a lot of issues. He has ADHD and learning disabilities. He has a history of drug use (marijuana) and I'm sure he is still smoking. Like I said, if he doesn't follow the rules and we do kick him out, he will almost certainly end up homeless. I don't think it will take him long to run out of friends who are willing to let him sleep on their couch without contributing anything or paying rent. He may be 18, but his maturity level is far below that. He isn't remotely capable of taking care of himself.

If you do let him stay, make sure he signs a contract and if he breaks the contract what your clear consequences are.

What about the military? Also I would make it a condition that he has to get his GED and help for his pot.

Yeah, we already discussed the contract. Definitely going to do that.

I told him he either has to go back to school or to adult ed. or get his GED. If he's actively going to school and progressing, then he can live here rent free until he is finished. If not, he has to work and pay rent.

Military isn't an option if he doesn't finish high school. Even with a GED, he would have to take 24 units at a community college in order to enlist.

Please write your email to Dr. Harley and make sure to add this new information.

All you need is a length of 2 x 4 cut to fit the width of the fixed side of the sliding door. Then you lay it on the track inside and the moveable door is jammed shut. Just pick it up and move it to one side when you want to go out. It will make your apt more secure and keep him out. He needs to know that you have done this.

Writer if you've identified an egress into your home you need to advise the landlord yesterday. At least get it on the record.

But a wooden plank will work just as well.

The thing is, our apartment is so hot in the summer and we only have two windows in the entire apartment, plus the sliding door. We leave the sliding door open (screen shut) and keep a fan in the door to try to cool things down. We can't afford to run the A/C all the time and this is the only way to keep things even remotely comfortable. But the screen doesn't lock. So the only way to secure the door would be to close it and keep it closed completely. But since there is no window in our living area, this would make it unbearably hot and stuffy in here. We've never had any problems with anyone trying to break in. It isn't easy to get up onto our balcony from the outside (though obviously, it is possible, since our son figured out how to do it).

I think the main issue is that if we don't allow him to come back, he will have nowhere to go. He has no education and no job skills. The thought of turning my 18-year-old son out on the street makes me feel terrible. I still have hope that he'll turn things around for himself, and I still want to give him a chance to do that, which is why I said all along he could come back if he were willing to meet our conditions. I just didn't expect him to turn up out of the blue with no warning. We had no idea he was coming back last night. He just called while we were at the store and said he was here. By the time we got home, he was gone. He texted last night and said he was spending the night at a friend's house and would be home in the morning. I still haven't seen him yet, so I have no idea what's going on or what he's planning on doing.

The problem is one of maturity and commitment....and there is apparently a great lack of it at your abode.

DS18 is not mature enough to manage his own life. (Why should he be? He's never been held to any degree of accountability before. This was the one with the criminal sexual charge against him, isn't it?)

You and Hubby haven't the maturity to understand that NOT enabling his shiftless and abusive behavior would be the most loving thing you could do for him. TRO his lazy butt, and follow through if he breaks the conditions.

And stop with the nonsense about "heat issues", okay? If you have a criminal attempting to break into your home, you make the decision to do what must be done to halt that.

The only party able to fix this situation is at YOUR side of the electronic linkage here, not ours. There is nothing "brilliant" to be devised to deal with an emotional terrorist (which is what he has become). You face up to him, slap him down, and move on.

NG, no this is not the son with the sexual charge against him. That son is 20 now, working two jobs, living on his own, and is truly an awesome, funny, lovable human being. He's doing great and I am very optimistic about his future.

Really, all three of my oldest are doing well. My oldest son does deal with anxiety issues, but he is taking medication for that. He also has a decent job with benefits and lives on his own. My DD lives in CO, works at a hotel, and is going to school to earn a degree in business.

Really, it is just DS 18 that we have issues with, and this child has had issues from the time he was very small. He was being sent home from preschool even because they simply couldn't handle him. We had him evaluated by different professionals, both through the school district and our private insurance. He has been on a number of medications, gone through therapy, and was even part of a clinical trial for ADHD. He has a number of different issues including ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, and learning disabilities. None of my other children have had these issues, and I certainly don't think I have done anything to enable DS 18's behavior. We have sought so much help for this child, and none of it has thus far done a bit of good. Some kids are more difficult than others. Some struggle. We have dealt with it the best we could. I'm sure we haven't always been perfect, but we try.

It's very hard thinking about turning a child out on the streets who struggles with these issues and isn't at all prepared to take care of himself.

And the heat issues are real. We don't have a "criminal" trying to break into our house, we have our son who found a creative way to get back into the house when he lost his key. We are not to the point where we feel ready to throw him out on the street. I still have hope that my son will be able to overcome the challenges he faces in life. No, I do not intend to let him live here unless he is willing to meet our conditions, and he knows that.

So, I don't think you're qualified to judge my maturity. You know nothing about me other than the issues I have posted here. Sometimes when I post, I am in a difficult situation, and I am struggling, so that is what I write about since that is what I need help with. I don't generally write about the things that are going well because I don't actually need any help with those issues. It doesn't mean that I don't have areas in my life that are going well.

Why is he sleeping till noon in your living room? Sounds like a difficult situation all around, but that strikes me as....unreasonable.

He could be up, out, and looking for a job. Which would be hard to find given his past choices, but doesn't sound like he's making much of an effort?