Thanks Caracal and Letty. No, I'm not trying to board that rollercoaster. I did hang up on my wife twice without a second thought. I actually thought it was funny, Caracal - "I think she is just looking for a ride from the airport."

What I need to do is work with my IM closer and give more specific details for her. I think if my IM asked my wife, "What have you done to prove you are ready for the conditions?", my wife will just stand there dumbfounded. Or who is to know that my wife is telling the truth if she says to my IM, like "I did break it off with him! I can send the no-contact letter! I'll give you my passwords!" Still might be all words.

Should I give my IM a list of conditions TO PROVE my wife is ready for my conditions? (Yeah, I'm getting a headache saying that). Maybe like this, I'll tell my IM to contact me, only if my wife:
1) Has finished writing a no contact letter (I'll be sure to go over it after to be sure it fits the MB principles).
2) Give her the passwords for her e-mails, facebook, etc.
3) Make the appointment for a polygraph test (I even have the number for my IM: xxx)

I don't know. Any other ideas to add? I'm sure other people ran into this problem before. I really am trying to fill in my plan B cracks.

Thanks again for all your advice.

Oh, and sorry Caracal, your link didn't work.

Edit out your IM's phone number.

This is what I was worried about with your WW. She's not even back yet and the games have started. You should really change your number.

Wow, I didn't know you can edit.

That's not my IM's number, its the number for a polygraph center.

I will change my phone number; like I said, it's tricky because that's the number all my patients have to call me at night for concerns about their kids. But I'll do it.

But I still think the main problem is working with my IM closer so she can know if my wife is serious about my conditions.

I'm not a vet jah, but there is no way I am risking direct contact with my WH if he ever decided to try to eat some more cake. And WH has tried in feeble efforts. With your WW being a serial cheater who is finanically dependant on you, I suspect her efforts to cake eat will be big. I could be wrong though.

Part of my conditions (and like I said, my list has gotten veeery long) before I would even consider speaking with WH are:
1. Write a NC letter. Send this to IM who would decide if it was foggy or respectful (my IM has MB posters support with this if she needs it). Then, and only then, would IM forward to me for approval. I would then post the letter to OW registered mail. In his handwriting.

2. Specific to my sitch, prove he is back in his home country. And prepared to surrender his passport to me.

3. Contact the Harleys. At his expense. If he is serious, he'll pay for me to contact the Harley's with background info, and then he will contact separately. The Harley's can then advise me if he sounds serious.

4. If he "passes" this step, I would ask that he start posting on MB. MB'ers are great at lifting a wayward's fog. I would wait for MB'ers to approve direct contact with WH before I would risk setting my recovery back.

Now, these steps are BEFORE WH has contact with me. Prior to this, he would hear zip. These steps are needed for me to even begin to think about recovery with him.

Great jah, you are taking ACTION to putty up Plan B cracks. Contact attempts hamper your healing. Take my word on this. It is better to know she CAN'T contact you. This way, you stop jumping every time the phone rings.

Because early in Plan B... you want her to try to contact you.

I've been there and got the postcard.

Oops, hope it works this time.

You will need to scroll down to Jean36's post. I can't find the original at the moment. But the whole thread is a great MB education...

sexymamabear's thread

Also jah to help with keeping your Plan B dark can you go stay with a friend for a couple of days? She's going to come by the apartment and beg you to let her in.

Since you've changed the locks she can't get in? Can she get a key from the landlord?

On another note a lot of the notable posts have broken links.

BH is right.

A dark Plan B is also about avoiding the contact attempts, so you don't have the emotional see-saw start.

I am not confident you will resist WW's attempts to get in the apartment.

So prevent yourself being exposed to it. Tell the landlord not to give her a key as she is having an A. And go to a mate's place for a few days. The company will likely do you good anyways. Just make sure it is a male friend...

Caracal - Thanks for the link; holy smokes, that's alot of conditions! I might incorporate some into my conditions later (my conditions are never static), but for now I think the ones I have are the main ones.

BH - Haven't changed the locks because I have the only 2 keys. But I put an extra deadbolt in case the landlord tries to let her in. I can stay at the hospital overnight for a few days; it's uncomfortable but should be fine.

In talking with my IM, I told her that it's not good enough for my wife to just agree to my conditions verbally. It probably is just words. My wife will need to show some action, including the following:
1) Has finished writing a no contact letter (I'll be sure to go over it after to be sure it fits the MB principles).
2) Give my IM the passwords for her e-mails, facebook, etc.
3) Make the appointment for a polygraph test (I'll give my IM the phone number to the polygraph tester that I want to use)

I've started to get calls from my wife's friends telling me that my wife asked to stay with them. I told them that it's totally up to them what they want to do, they have my permission to kick her out or let her in, but that they cannot contact me or let me know what is happening with my wife.

I'm trying to fill in all these cracks! I'll let you know if more come up, as I'm sure they will.

First off

I love to hear a wayward is desperate.

Secondly... I would be saying to your wife's friends "I have offered WW the conditions to recover our marriage as I would like her to become an honest person and wife. Sadly, so far she is refusing as she chooses to continue her affair. It is up to you if you wish to support her in her adultery and dishonesty."

Be honest about the situation. So your WW's friends are fully informed and can choose if they want to accomodate her or not.

Personally, I would not accomodate a WW if I was in a relationship with someone. Never would I expose my H to a wayward if I had the knowledge of this. Give her friends this choice.

Its great you are telling them you don't want to hear zip after this!!! Stick with it. If they ring you back with an "update", let them know that information of your WW only hurts you and you need to focus on yourself so you can heal.

Agree with Car.

Will she come look for you at the hospital? If so, maybe you should stay at a hotel for a few days?

See jah, your WW's a big girl and is figuring out things on her own.

If she was remotely serious at all she'd be showing you ACTIONS.

Keep the bar high because you deserve it.

Thanks for the advice; yes, I did explain the situation to them. I'm having these long 20 minute conversations with them explaining the whole situation and why I'm doing what I'm doing and that my wife has an IM to contact me. So far, after telling them he story, they apologize because they are deciding not to let my wife in their place. AT THAT POINT, I say that they have my permission to do what they want, but just don't contact me or tell me what's going on.

Anyways, I'm going to get some sleep now, as it's 12 AM. My wife arrives in 8 hours. I work tomorrow, so gotta get some zzz's. Wish me luck, and thanks again for the all your advice and support everyone!

She doesn't know where the sleeping call room is, so no, she cannot find me overnight.

But I gotta work; no way around that. So she could come to the hospital at anytime and find me I guess. If she starts doing that, do I have to find a new job??? That's something that takes pretty long to do.

And sorry, there no way to spontaneously use vacation time to get away from work for a week or so. Patient's don't get sick only from 8 AM - 5 PM.

And Jah... Is your female IM a relative? I am just wanting to ensure your boundaries are high, so you don't become wayward yourself. You are vulnerable right now, so you need to keep those boundaries high.

So she could come to the hospital at anytime and find me I guess. If she starts doing that, do I have to find a new job???

No. Let her hang herself with her actions. If she shows up, have her escorted out by security. If she shows up again, repeat. The third time, have your lawyer initiate a TRO based on her stalking actions.

By that time, the hospital administration will be involved, and would basically be your unnamed ally ("...disruption to critical operations...", "...nuisance to staff and patients...")

Hey Caracal, thanks for the concern about me becoming wayward. I couldn't imagine being a wayward myself, but I guess when a person says, "That can never happen to me." That's also when they are especially vulnerable.

To answer your question, my IM is a dear friend of my wife and I in her late 60's. So even though not a relative, there's no chance of me being a wayward with her. I chose her because she's quite impartial, and she has already told me (on her own) that my wife needs to learn and that she is going to show some 'tough love' and refuse my wife if she asks to stay with her.

Wow, that seems pretty extreme. Does everyone agree that would be necessary? If you think so, I'll do it.

Actually, in three days it won't be an issue anymore. As luck would have it, my last day at the hospital is at the end of June; after that, I start a new position elsewhere, and my WW has no clue where that is.

If I wanted advice on my kid's sore throat or cough, Id come to you.

On matters pertaining to adultery, its recovery, and successful marriages thereafter, why do you question the advice given here? All of the advice given adheres to policies and techniques advocated by the owner of the site who has written many books about the 1000s of couples he's counseled. (And if someone says something outside the scope of MB, its quickly rebutted and even removed in some cases.)

You already know who is the goods when it comes advice as they've appeared on your thread lots of times. These same people will lose their patience with you if you drag your feet, question their advice, and choose NOT to do something that is central to success. Can I suggest you do what they say no matter how unsavory it may be? Come back here and vent your anger, pain, and stress. As well as to get best practices.

Alright Mike, you made your point. I do feel like I am following advice, but I agree by questioning the advice first I will start turning off vets here who just want to help me.

I'll just act first (based on advice) and ask questions later. I do want to understand the reasoning behind the advice, but that can come much, much later. If someone tells me to do something I'll just do it from now on.

So, if my wife comes in the hospital and finds me, I will firmly state, "I told you there is to be NO CONTACT with me. Talk to the IM if you have anything to say." The second she starts to argue (which she will), I'll call security.

Sounds good?