Well done so far, Jah. Stick to plan B. It's healing powers are amazing! Even if you decide (while still in plan B) to move to plan D, DO NOT BREAK PLAN B! You'll go right back on the roller coaster.

As a side note, is your WW a Filipina who went to high school in South Florida? If so, have the mods send me an email. I might have some back-story for you.

Yep, make sure you do this. However, as good as Dr H's books and plans are, there are often a lot of questions about the praticality of implementing them that are not answered. Read threads of Plan B'ers here, and post questions on your thread. Us Plan B'ers are sure to offer support and answers.

It took me a long time to actually understand Plan B was not about having the wayward run back to me full of remorse. Plan B is all about the betrayed. If the wayward commits to marital recovery, all well and good if this is what the betrayed wants. However, either way, Plan B is about the betrayed surviving an affair. And from my reading on here and IRL sitches, healing is slow if it ever comes at all when the BS still has contact with the WS.

My 2 cents... this is not right. In Plan B, ALL contact comes through the IM or lawyer. A good many friends / family initially struggle with Plan B. They want to tell the BS everything about the wayward; they are often trying to heal themselves from feeling betrayed by the WS's actions. You have sent a mixed message. Better to tell them, if WW needs to communicate anything important to you, she can do so through IM.

Your IM is your filter. He / she will decide if the message is important. Let them know, a pregnancy is important (although I guess they can figure this out for themselves).

Besides, I suspect if your WW was pregnant, she would be running to your for financial support. If the only way of reaching you was through the IM, I bet she would do it.

As BH says, you would need DNA evidence anyway.

So put these thoughts out of your head. Don't try to anticipate things that are only hypotheticals right now.

It's common not to get results immediately, so you might be just a little bit impatient. Dr. Harley encourages men to Plan A longer if they can calm down and stay rational and work the plan, because it maximizes their chances.

It's best if you don't make snap decisions. Come here and discuss first and get feedback and also let this group help you stay calm.

"I am kinda leaning more towards you, but I still don't know yet. But I can't agree to your conditions because I don't want to hurt the feelings of [OM] While I am sorting out my confusion, can you please promise not to date anyone else? I need time to think for myself."


[/quote]


{Shakes head}
Even under the BEST of conditions R is HARD!

Grow a pair my man. This is a slap in your face and a kick in the crotch. Leaning toward YOU, Please don�t date anyone else?
Do you not have any self respect?

I can tell you she has zero respect for you. Even if she does �come back� until you show her that you are not going to be stomped on like an ant on the ground, you will never own her heart.

20YH - Grow a pair my man. This is a slap in your face and a kick in the crotch. Leaning toward YOU, Please don�t date anyone else?

markos - It's common not to get results immediately, so you might be just a little bit impatient. Dr. Harley encourages men to Plan A longer if they can calm down and stay rational and work the plan, because it maximizes their chances.

I guess to answer you both; when your wife gets that delusional, staying in plan A is no longer an option. Thus plan B.

I did 'grow a pair' by kicking her out of the house, packing all her stuff and putting it in storage, and cutting her off financially completely, aka plan B. She does not have a job, or savings, or family here in the U.S., so I think that is a big deal.

Day 3 of plan B - I got a wonderful 8 hours of sleep last night; first time in a long time.

AJose - "is your WW a Filipina who went to high school in South Florida?"

What??? Thanks for the support, but um . . . nope. Sorry!

You not supporting her financially is a consequence of her affair and her continue actions of abuse toward you.

You finally are holding her accountable. Good job and stick with it.

It's going to be very tough when she returns in 2 days. Then you'll be truly tested on how you can stay dark and not crack and enable her again.

Thanks for the support, BH. It is now 12 hours until she arrives back here. No pickup at the airport, my doors are locked, credit cards cancelled, phone/email blocked, all her stuff is out of the apartment. You are right BH, this is when we'll see how I really handle it.

I have been still getting a couple of our friends messaging me their support and asking me where our situation is at. I updated them, tell them the basics of plan B, and then asked them politely not to update me on anything about my wife from this point on.

Almost all of them agree with what I am doing and promise to keep me in the dark (which is encouraging for me), except one friend who said if I really wanted to work on the marriage, I would keep track in secret. I reiterated to her, I'm not doing this, and please don't update me because this is also for my sanity, and she finally agreed.

I took your advice, Caracal, not to worry about "What if's" like if she got pregnant. I just told them to keep me completely in the dark.

I'll let you all know how it goes in the next day or two. Thanks again everyone for all your support.

No. You don't want to know ANYTHING. You aren't responsible as the husband. You wouldn't be the father.

Completely dark Plan B. NO contact. That's where you need to be.

Jah, I'm at work so can't access my links. Has your IM read the IM training thread? It's under notable posts, be sure they read it... They may need support in their role.

Okay. You describe your wife as a drunk married woman.
I am a member of AlAnon. A worldwide organization for family and friends of alcoholics. Dr Harley encourages spouses of alcoholics to join AlAnon.
If your wife is an alcoholic then the MB program will not work because of her addictions and disease of alcoholism.
Are you an alcoholic?

Can I make a suggestion here? I really don't want to upset all the veterans that have been helping me out so much (THANK YOU!) or tell them that the way they are doing things might be wrong, but I really think this point is important.

I am not a blogger, or forum writer, or internet type of guy. I still don't know what a 'moderator' is. But here is how I started: I googled 'marriage affair'. Went straight to this site. I went and read almost everything on the main website. Then I clicked the 'discussion forum' link and thought maybe it wouldn't hurt to check some stuffs there too. The first place I went to was "Surviving an affair". I read a few posts and then posted my own story. And then advice started coming, and just like other 'newbies', usually the 'exposure' step with links are the first advice given . . .

I really think the first thing that should be posted for someone just starting out with their story is that they should go to "Notable Posts --> For Newly Betrayed Spouses". And then they should browse through the rest of the notable posts, and then be directed to come back.

There are TONS of information in there under "Notable Posts", and I never even knew was there! THATS where everyone should be directed first, I think. Or at least they should know about it. I've been posting for about a week now, and alot of times I ask a question and someone posts a direct link to something in "Notable Posts", which helps me out. But I never knew what what else was in there.

Again, I guess I'm an idiot for going not going there first, but I'm sure there might be more than a few people like me that don't know about it either. I'm on page 19 and I didn't realize information was there.

Just my suggestion. I don't want to say much more because I don't want to upset any vets here.

Thank you SO MUCH Caracal for pointing it our for me!!! I'm going there now to educate myself.

**edit**

Thanks for your concern HDW. No, I'm not an alcoholic, and neither is she. I'm not sure how to prove it without sounding like "I'm in denial." I have a beer or two maybe once a month, probably less. No hards, no wine.

My wife? Maybe a little more, like 2-3 beers once a month or so. She drinks wine too maybe 2-3 drinks per month.

Both of us never had a DUI, passed out, had a hangover, vomited from drinking, etc. In fact, after one drink, my wife usually gets a stomach ache.

The reason I said that was because I think the first time she met this OM at a party, my wife had a couple drinks, more than usual. She was still coherent, though. I'd like to think that this affair was a one night stand, but no, it carried on after that.

In any case, to answer your question, no we are not alcoholics. You can ask me more questions though if you want me to prove it.

Okay . . . first break in my plan B.

My wife is currently flying back here from her home country. Probably at a layover. I got a phone call from an unknown number; answered it, heard my wife's voice, and hung up immediately. Not even a 'hello'. She called a second time, and I didn't even pick up this time.

I felt very nervous about this; what if she is in trouble? What if she is stuck in immigration? But I tried to put the ideas out of my mind.

My IM then called me after a few minutes; she just got a call from my wife saying she was ready to accept all my conditions.

My heart jumped for a few seconds. The unknown number called again, and this time I picked up. My wife was in tears, saying she missed me, not to let her go, that she wants me back, etc. I interrupted her and said, "Before you go on, are you willing follow all my conditions?" She paused, and that was enough for me. I repeated my question, and she started saying about how she needed to be separated to see if she really loved this OM before she came back to me, blah, blah, blah.

I basically summarized what I told her in my plan B letter, then hung up on her.

What do you guys think? Am I handling it right? It's pretty confusing for me if she tells my IM she agrees, then tells me she doesn't. Any advice for me???

yes: no contact! she can't just tell IM she agrees to your conditions. waywards lie, as you found out. she has to have a plan and have some action speaking for her before she can tell IM she is ready. and...your IM should have told her to call back when she was REALLY ready to agree to your conditions. neither one should have called you. a call from the airport is piffle.

I agree that she has to have a plan and have some actions speaking for her before she can tell IM that she is ready. That makes total sense, but for my IM, what kind of action would be enough? My plan is my conditions (I may add more later). Should I require some of the conditions to be carried out before I talk to my wife? It's pretty tricky; which conditions can my wife do without contacting me?

I need to work with my IM closer to tell her what constitutes as genuine 'agreeing on my conditions' by my wife. Can someone give me some advice?

My conditions again:

1. End all contact with the xxx for life. This involves writing a letter (agreed by me and you) stating you do not want to see him again.
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency - cell phone, email, facebook, passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> � I will ask you take a polygraph test
6. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

I think WW wants a lift from the airport...

And is panicing as she doesn't know where she will go.

She is testing you. Do not allow the cracks. She has the Plan B letter. That is the map, it has the directions for WW, showing her what she needs to do to join you in the light. Otherwise, you will remain dark to her.

Jah, look at how contact with her has made you feel. You were sounding calmer. Now, the coaster has gained speed again. You probably feel so hopeful right now... prepare for the dip to come as a result.

Any crack in Plan B causes a seesaw of emotions.

a repentant WW would SHOW by at least starting with booking a poly, deleting any way of having opposite sex friendships (fb, or whatever), and drafting the NC letter. oh, and making a list of all accounts and passwords. that's ACTION. your IM needs clarity from you. has he/she read the IM training thread? but anyway, the airport call should have been a red flag for your IM without any input from you.

And Letty is right... your IM needs to be tougher than this.

Remember, waywards are all great with saying what others want to hear, that is how they get to have their cake and eat it too.

MB is about actions, not words. Your WW will have to walk the walk if she wants you back in her life working towards recovery.

I have been in Plan B for a while. Initially my conditions for recovery and Plan B to end were pretty brief.

Now, with time and perspective, my list is longer and the conditions more specific. The benefits of Plan B... I won't take crumbs from anyone.

Here is a link for you so you can start considering what conditions your WW would have to meet... although SMB never entered Plan B (from memory) she had a long time of separation and a false recovery so developed a very specific list. Which served her (and her FWH) well.
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