Those are awesome Plan B treats.

Now you have to join the ladies plan B nail club. So be thinking of some fantastic color.

Glad you took a strong stance with stalker man.

Me thinks you gonna be just fine, my friend.

JenniferVoyager,

I'm sorry for your loss. This is so hard.

I'm proud of you for moving forward. I agree that filing, making him pay something, and getting out of that place is a great decision. You need a clean sweep, and you will skillfully and lovingly provide a home for your children.

Forgive me for not remembering all the details: are your parents near? Are they a source of support for you? Do you have people nearby who can encourage & help you? You are a strong person...a real Mama Bear (in a good way!)...but even Mama Bears need help sometimes. Just a thought.

Anyway, you are inspiring me with your courage. I hope that each day in your new life brings fresh energy, hope, and happiness.

Thanks Zhamila! Your encouragement and sympathy really help keep me focused!

Plan B is feeling great. I've had a wonderful couple of days with my family. My kids had a great week and I'm looking forward to getting them back home and have a lot of fun things planned there as well.

I don't have family near where I live, the closest are my mom and sister who live 450 miles away. But I'm building a good network of friends, have a wonderful church, and those are all good empowering things.

I'm loving the feeling of self-reliance that I have right now.

I suggested to my 10 year old daughter that we could paint our nails, and she was thrilled. I've never been a girly girl and, because I bit my nails, have never been able to do that. But it's been about two months since I stopped, they've grown out pretty nicely, and are actually strong (yay!), so why not! We'll have some fun. Life SHOULD be fun, and I've been caught up in H's drama instead of enjoying every precious day. No longer!

Well done JenV, glad to hear Plan B is off to a great start!

Be prepared for some lows. It is normal and to be expected. You are likely to enter withdrawal soon. Ensure you have a support plan (friends, family, activities and treats) to help you deal with this.

I am also a short nail (and occasional biter) addict so I am impressed with your efforts! Keep it up!

Had a crack in plan B last night. When WH closed down then reopened his FB account last fall, he kept me blocked but friended my dad and a cousin of mine. My cousin has been telling me what he puts on his FB account, status, friends, etc., for a while. Yesterday she shared a message he posted on his page, and I couldn't keep myself from reading it. I was good and then sent her a message explaining that I'm having no contact, but I still keep thinking about his message. I know it's just wayward talk...and I'm guessing he's trying to get it to me as well...but still. Okay, I just did a self-edit, I was going to post what he wrote hear, but honestly, it's just some BS about how he's made mistakes, his head is in conflict with his heart, but if he keeps moving forward his life will be better.

For our son's sake, I wish him well. But I know whatever he says is foggy craziness. I'm trying to erase it from my mind. Not very successfully. I'm sure at his foggy point right now, the "mistakes" are not in his indiscretions, breaking his marriage vows, failing to get help for his ADD and depression and being on the verge of homelessness...no, his "mistake" is probably getting involved with me. Yeah, that's what he tells himself. Ugggh. It drives me crazy just thinking about it. I've already woken up for the second morning in a row with a stress headache because of some issues at work and a friend who's being very much treated unfairly, and now this BS is living rent-free in my head. (Ironic, isn't it, since WH is living rent-free in my house.)

Also another little crack I need to resolve is that we don't have a pick-up arrangement for DS this morning. Mostly because I want to go to church today and I don't want him to be there, but of course, I can't control that. So, I just left it up in the air. My IM is aware of this problem and maybe when it gets to a more decent hour I'll just have her call WH and make an arrangement. Should I share WH's foggy message with IM, or will it just continue to cloud things?

Jennifer, I would not have your IM contact your H about arrangements. Your husband should be contacting HER. If he fails to contact her, then that should be documented and used in the divorce. He is a big boy and can make his own arrangements.

Thanks ML, unfortunately I saw this right after I got off the phone with IM. DS keeps asking about his dad. But you're right, I should have made it his responsibility. Well, we'll see.

JV, It looks like you are in the habit of picking up the slack for your husband and I would stop doing that. I know your son misses his dad, but you can't make his dad act like a dad. But you can help your son accept that his dad has limitations and make sure he doesn't take that personally. His dad is never going to be fully on board and the sooner he accepts that the better off he will be. Wouldn't you agree that you can't continually make allowances for your husband's shortcomings?

I hate to say this, and I sure hope I am wrong for your son's sake, but your husband reminds me alot of the kind of guys that end up living on the streets. They choose to check out of life. If people would stop propping up your husband, that is where I see him settling.

He has the type of anti-social personality I have seen in street bums over the years in AA. They come to AA when they are court ordered by some judge but as soon as they are able, they are back out living under bridges where they want to be.

Yes.

It's a hard habit to break. I do know that my son is very clever and can see through a lot. He was just asking me what would happen if our car broke. I know he was thinking about the three weeks his dad's car was broken and that his dad didn't see him as much. I assured him if our car broke, we would fix it, or get a new one right away to make sure we could still do the things we need to do. I know that DS realizes that his dad is unreliable and that he can always count on me.

I think this morning I felt I'd left a loophole because other than this time, I specified in the plan B addendum what the default pick up/drop off would be (unless he wants to change and gives proper notice through IM).

That reply was to your post about not making arrangements.

About the bum aspect...could be. He was doing well when I met him. I think he might almost do better when he's totally on his own, he has such a dependent personality that he will use people up and rely on them completely. But who knows, really? I hope he gets his act together too.

This is so encouraging, JV! As I read your thread, it feels like you've laid down a heavy burden & now you can focus on other, brighter horizons.

I love MLs advice to not pick up your H's slack and to help your son through his feelings of disappointment when his dad lets him down. That's a perfect strategy in this tough situation: you can't protect your DS from your WH's irresponsibility, but offering yourself as a stable, loving parent gives him strength in the long run. It's that tough line parents walk between protecting our kids when appropriate, and preparing our kiddos for real life.

You are doing great - I hope that each day is happier, healthier and brighter!

Thanks again Zhamila! Your bright and encouraging words, and refocusing on the positives, is something I need to hear!

Things are going well...but in the quiet hours of the evening, I find myself thinking about WH. I know being on marriagebuilders helps, and reading threads, listening to the radio show, etc., but it also keeps me very aware of what is wrong in my life in terms of the end of my marriage. And that is painful. How have other people dealt with that in plan B? I find myself fantasizing about him begging back repentent, etc., or I find myself getting angry and wanting to show him just what he's missing out on. When I have a good day in court I want to share the victory but I also want him to see that successful side of me. When I have a bad day I want to commiserate with him. I am lacking in conversation partners.

A colleague at work who has become a good friend was just told last Friday that she was being transferred to another office, sort of a vengeful move on the part of our mutual higher up. It angers and upsets me, and has upset her to the point that she's on the verge of a heart attack and now on two weeks of leave to rest and recover, and she might have to retire early because of all of this stress. I am sad and mourning about that, too, as she's been a friend and mentor, a mother figure even (we joke about that), and I miss talking to her. And worry a bit about office dynamics if she does leave for good, as she keeps everything stable. (She is supervisor in our office to everyone but me, because as an attorney I can't be technically supervised by a non-attorney. But I have absolute respect for her running the office, and she appreciates it, and I think it strengthens our relationship to have that positive flow. There have historically in this office been a lot of tensions between the lone attorney located here and the other staff, and she has helped make sure that doesn't happen with me. But there are definitely some tense moments with other people, and I worry it would not be nearly so happy a place to work with her not here.)

Oh, another slight low, my brother-in-law defriended me on facebook. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am hurt.

So...my plan B positives for the week. Enjoyed my mini vacation and time with kids. Went to a social club in the evening one night. Have two lunches planned with friends tomorrow and friday. Have awesome support from my IM. Have some fun plans with the kids for the weekend. I've been in contact with my attorney to get the ball rolling on some sort of temporary support order.

yeah for Jennifer! you sound stronger and stronger every passing day.

Ditto!

me too! way to go, jen! hang in there. your withdrawal symptoms from your WH will lessen. just keep doing what you're doing. glad to hear you have a great IM!

Bombshells drop.

This afternoon I got a text message from WH: I moved to X County (450 miles away, near where his AP lives). He did also call my IM and left her a voice mail. I hadn't blocked him on the phone because I didn't know how (I have a very old nokia and a pay as you go plan...just for budget reasons). I'll fix that. But the bigger problem is I am so mad. What a loser! (as my dad said). Our son almost cried when I came to pick him up because his dad was supposed to pick him up today. In the car, he asked if I will always be his mommy (before I'd even said anything about his dad moving). He asked again if he can be the daddy. It just breaks my heart. What wonderful, beautiful kids, and what lowlife scum that can just drop them for a bit of false admiration from a harlot!

Okay, I think I seriously need a nickname for WH.

I'm holding it together. I sat down all the kids and told them. DS started getting very wild, jumping around, obviously processing it in his own ways. The girls asked valid questions, when will he see DS, so now will DS only go to his dad as much as we do, or even less? And this morning I had a long talk with DD10, because she's been waking up with nightmares, getting stress headaches, and really having a hard time. I had to tell her, because her dad hadn't, that he was getting divorced from her stepmom (he also failed to tell them he was married, or that he had a child on the way...schmuck). I know she's worried about me and holding it all in. I'm being strong, but they know I'm in pain as well. And I know they are in pain.

This just sucks. I have no faith in men, or at least in the men I have invited into my and my children's lives.

So: super mario wii and chocolate peanut butter milkshakes.

Sorry JV some men just suck but not all. What about your dad?

Now you can go to your church without running into him?

So you're documenting all this I'm sure? What about getting the kids into some counseling? Encourage them to write a letter to their dads or at least journal.

Change your number.
Milkshakes sound wonderful. Make them with the kids and have a party.

to you my friend.

My dad was an adulterer who left my mom when I was three months old to be with our 17 year old babysitter (maybe she was 16 at the time??)...anyways...the divorce was signed the day before my first birthday and she needed to have her parents sign to get married to him, still underage...only her mom wanted to and that contributed to her parents getting divorced. Then she cheated and left him when my little half sister was 9, totally throwing her life off (she still hasn't really recoved at 31yo) (Her affair partner that second time was married with three kids). He's gotten the first two marriages annulled by the catholic church so he could marry for the third time and make it "godly." I love my dad but his flaws have caused all sorts of havoc in my life, such as history repeating itself in the men I've chosen (my ex left while I was 7 months pregnant with our second child).

Yes, I'm documenting. But what's it matter? He's obviously given up. I've spoken to the preschool and they will not release our son to him without my express authorization, and I've spoken to my attorney's office. I will be setting up counseling for the kids, trouble is, the girls are going to be gone a lot of the rest of the summer. DD10 is avoiding confrontation and just burying it...so I don't think she'd be up to writing her dad anything. But thanks for the suggestion. I might try to get her to journal a bit. I have the girls for two more weeks, before they go back, but they'll be at sleep away camp one of those weeks. So this next week (which I have off of work) will be fun fun fun! I'm going to try and keep us busy and distracted. We'll see how it goes.

DD8 decided to make dinner because I suggested going out since I wasn't up for cooking...she just said it's almost done. My kids are awesome!

Sorry, my last post was pretty wallowy. I'm feeling wallowy right now. Yes, spell check, I know that's not a word.