I mean the separation for the betrayed spouse from their wayward spouse can be like an addiction for them to be separated.

Meaning the withdrawal for you can be very tough so take care of you. KWIM?

Definitely let us know about the paddleboard.

IKWYM

Hello everyone,
Okay, I am on day 5 of plan B. So far, no running into my wife. I have been taking the precautions; sleeping overnight at a site away from my apartment (in case sit outside the front door waiting for me to get home), getting ready to call security (if she tries to find me at the hospital), changing e-mails, blocking her phone number.

I already changed the locks at home, packed her stuff at an outside facility, and cancelled credit cards/bank accounts (I am the sole provider).

There was only one 'crack', where my wife called my IM and told her she was ready to accept my conditions. When I talked to my wife, she was in tears, saying she missed me, not to let her go, that she wants me back, etc. I interrupted her and said, "Before you go on, are you willing follow all my conditions?" She paused and wavered, and so I hung up on her. I followed up with my IM to have more strict rules in place, where I require action on my wife's part rather than just accepting my conditions before I am contacted again. I'm not sure if my wife is getting close to coming back, or just wanting to 'cake eat'. Probably its both, I think.

And now, I have talked with a divorce lawyer. I didn't actually file, but going though my case, my lawyer said it will be pretty fast and easy since there is no kids, I'm the only provider, and I was the betrayed spouse.

I want to have my IM send my wife a message regarding more details of the divorce. Of course, I want this message to have full effect. This is what I came up with:

--------
[WW],
[BH] would like me to pass this message on to you. He has already contacted a lawyer regarding a divorce. Because there are no kids involved, the paperwork should be relatively fast. All he needs to do is document your combined assets, their worth, and then show verification. Once that is done, he will be ready to sign the divorce papers.

He wants you to know that he WILL NOT wait for you to make a decision, and once the paperwork is done he will sign for divorce. He also DOES NOT need your signature or appoval for the divorce to go through. He WILL NOT contact you before he signs the divorce paperwork. Once the divorce is final, you will be receiving a notice from his lawyer that it is done.

He also wants you to know that until the divorce is final, he is still willing to take you back and work on the marriage. But you must accept all his conditions.

Please DO NOT contact [BH] in any way. Any messages you have, including if you want to accept the conditions, must come through me before I pass them on to him.

Sincerely,
[IM]

P.S. Please verify that you got this message.

----------------
The reason my letter specifies that I will not contact her about the divorce, or wait for her, or get her permission for the divorce is because the last conversation with my wife (before plan B went into effect), I told my wife I wasn't sure if I needed her signature. She also asked me to wait until she made her decision and to not sign before telling her. I didn't answer yes or no to her request. Basically, all this talk by her is probably wanting to still be in control and 'cake eating'.

I basically want to show her that I am the one in control here. She doesn't have control on how long I wait to divorce, she will have no notice when I sign the paperwork, she cannot force me to stop.

Any comments are welcome; including changes you might make to my letter. Thank you.

Are you ready to divorce now? You haven't filed yet, correct? Why let her know before? Why not just have your lawyer send her the paperwork?

I do like the letter but would add some sort of condition about her proving her faithfulness to you.

Read this. The Art of War

I would add my sentence above that she must demonstrate faithful behavior over a period of time in order for you to drop the divorce. A typical ploy of waywards is to agree to your conditions long enough to get you to drop the divorce and then go back to pursuit of the affair. You don't have to be in that position if you put it this way.

And good job on staying dark!

I am not ready for divorce now, however, right now I feel like if after a few months go by and there is no progress, I'm ready to call it quits. I have gone back through my thread from the beginning, and I noted that some people posted that filing for divorce can sometimes tip a WS to accept conditions. Other people posted that I should just file now, and since it takes awhile I can just take it back later if I change my mind. That is where my reasoning comes from.

I will read [the art of war] and get back to you.

You win either way by filing for divorce. If she doesn't change, you will be divorced, and in the meantime, you will have legal protection. If she does actually demonstrate meaningful change, you can just drop the suit and you won't lose anything.

I understand. I think filing and signing the paper are two different things.
With that being said I would send the letter with Melody's addition.

Thanks ML. I'm glad to see that you are still following my thread; the last time it was like you gave up on me. I'm much calmer now, and I've stopped trying to be questioning and resistant to advice and just follow through with the vets.

I think it's good that I do add that line; actually, even if my wife accepted my conditions and seemed genuinely taking action to work on the marriage & stop the affair, I did not plan on taking her back into the apartment or supporting her financially right away. At that point, I would come out of plan B, maintain contact with her, work on meeting each other's EN, and at least start the marriagebuilders program. But I would want to see her continue to be faithful and responsible for a time period before just taking her back. Maybe a month or two? That's what I was thinking.

I agree with that plan. One of my main concerns with her is that she views you as her personal ATM while she cats around looking for men. If that is the case, you will find out soon enough. And even if you are not ready for divorce now - no one is ever really ready for divorce - you will NEED to get a divorce if she doesn't shape up by the time the divorce is final. THAT will be in your best interest.

And the reason I got frustrated was not because of questions, but because you kept waffling on the plan and going back and forth. I am glad to see you are sticking to the plan now.

Okay, I read it through; very interesting stuff. I liked MrW's interpretation. I felt like having my own translation here:

Although you are capable, display incapability.
"Sure you are capable of defending yourself with angry outbursts. But you need to contain it."

When committed to employing your forces, feign inactivity.
"Don't let them catch you snooping, until you are ready with all the evidence."

When your objective is nearby, make it appear distant; when distant, create the illusion of being nearby.
"Right now you are nearly full of LB. Right now meeting EN is probably distant. You need reverse this behavior."

Display profits to entice them.
"Make yourself desirable to your WS. Exercise, dress well, stand straight, look confident"

Create disorder in their forces and take them.
"Expose, expose, EXPOSE!"

If they are substantial, prepare for them.
"Getting over an affair is tougher than anything else you will encounter. Make sure you have a plan."

If they are strong, avoid them.
"A WS will often appear strong by pointing out every fault you have. Make note of it, but avoid blaming yourself for the affair."

If they are angry, perturb them.
"If exposing the OM or OW has made them mad as hell, you hit your target. Keep looking for more targets and don't stop shooting."

Be deferential to foster their arrogance.
"Be calm in the face of your WS emotional outbursts."

If they are rested, force them to exert themselves.
"Make life difficult for the OM or OW. You will outlast them."

If they are united, cause them to be separated.
"Um, duh! Isn't that the goal?"

Attack where they are unprepared.
"Plan B - cut your WS off completely when your WS least expects it."

Go forth where they will not expect it.
"Plan A - show you care even when your WS feels they don't deserve it"

These are the ways military strategists are victorious. They cannot be spoken of in advance.
"Don't let your WS EVER find out about MB forum! Until you are in recovery, at least."

jah,

When I my wife finally admitted she was having an affair (it was obvious anyway) I gave her the choice of ending it or leaving the house. She unequivocally chose to leave.

I do not believe in divorce, but I also don't believe in plan doormat. The betrayed spouse must get legal protection. So I filed for a legal separation and shared with my wife that I was open to reconciliation if she agreed to my terms.

She responded by filing for divorce, but being the first to file is advantageous.

You will in time decide if you want to divorce or reconcile. Time is needed to make that decision. In the meantime, a legal separation might be another attractive option. You would need to consult with an attorney to make sure you are fully protected under this status.

Thanks JT3OU. That is definitely good advice. I didn't know there was such as thing as 'legal separation'. Could I get in legal trouble for locking my wife out of the apartment and cutting her out of our finances? I don't know, I better find out.

Yes, I do not plan on being a 'doormat' any longer. I am trying my best to learn.

Jah, you are better off filing for divorce because if your wife doesn't get on board, you will be divorced. In your case, that will be the definition of success. Just stick with your plan as it is. It is not illegal in any state in the US to change your locks.

Personally, I would try to get a restraining order if she tries to bug you at home or at work, as well as file for a divorce. Remember, you can always stop the divorce from going through if she decides to get on board, but it's true that it's advantageous to be the one to file. Above all, protect yourself from any more harm. I think most of us would not consider reconciling with a serial cheater. She has herself, not you, in mind, and someone needs to think about YOU.

BTW, you've done a good job of taking action (packing up her stuff, getting an IM, etc.). I know it's an emotional time, just keep following the advice of the vets here...look how many posts ML has here, she's well versed.

Sorry, just have to chime in here as an attorney! In Florida, it is illegal. It is called a constructive eviction, and if it prevents someone in a home where they have a legal right (if it is their residence, in Florida, if they have even slept there the night before), you can get in trouble for it. That's of course assuming that the person will file a case against you for wrongful eviction, but if they do, there are (if I remember correctly!) treble damages. So...for some it might be worth pursuing, and it is always good to talk with a lawyer in your area about what your state's laws are. Another form of constructive eviction is turning off utilities.

I would like to see someone actually get arrested for merely changing the locks on their own front door. I have been here for 11 years and no one has EVER been in "legal trouble" for changing the locks on their doors. People can and do do this every day in America. We have had attorneys insist their clients change the locks so the WS does not get in.

If folks worried about the potential "legal risk" of everything they do, no one could ever do anything. We don't live in a culture where one has to consult a lawyer for simple every day actions.

The typical attorney response to each and every move in defense of the assault of an affair is to do nothing. Not even exposure. That is because their goal is not to protect the BS but to facilitate an amicable divorce and make their own job as easy as possible.

Let me put this another way. The greater risk is having a WS who barges into the house unannounced, ruining one's Plan B. That is what typically happens when one doesn't change the locks.

I can point to numerous such incidents over the years. I cannot point to ONE SINGLE case where a BS was charged with a crime for changing the locks on the doors. Not one. Even when the WS called the police to force his way back in, the police persuaded the WS to leave.

So no, the biggest risk here is not legal trouble, but the risk of the WS barging in the house.

I've been around MB forever too.
I agree.

Here is a tip.
Read the local crime news online.
Pick out one or two articles concerning near-by break-ins, or what-have-you.
Link those articles to a friend(s) or family member(s) in an email, expressing your concerns over your safety.
Write how you wonder if you should make your home more secure.
"These recent events make me want to be more careful and safe in my own home"
There. You've documented how your "new locks" are for your peace of mind.