We've been married now for 1 year and 8 months. We dated for 3 years prior to that. We did not live together until we married. We both have some history with depression. My husband's father passed away last year in July.


My husband and I fought on Thursday and ever since then he has not been talking to me. Mostly he ignores my presence and has only answered me on 3 occasions to very necessary questions.

I figured he wanted to be left alone and I believe that I'm right in this. I have been desperately holding onto my self control and not trying to talk with him. I have apologized. However this is the 4th day and it looks like he has no intention whatsoever of relenting.

This is really painful. Admittedly when we fought I stupidly pushed him to talk when he was angry. I would not leave him alone when he left the house to cool off. I implied the reason that we can't fix anything is because he goes off like that. I am well aware those actions of mine were all very wrong.

So again in the 4th day of his basically ignoring my presence. I want to know what I should do??? I'm really at a loss.

Often when he walks past or avoids me or leaves a room I enter I feel it like a blow and I struggle to contain my tears. I am trying not to cry as I know he hates it when I cry. Still I feel so helpless and lost.

I want to mend our marriage but how can I do that when he is in this state of withdrawal?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you read this by Dr. Harely?
What To Do with a Depressed Spouse?

I have. He's been treated before but the meds didn't work out long term. They all seem to have insidious side effects that have their own way of ruining our lives. He should maybe try another at this point but he seems to be letting the disease control him. Moreover him not talking to me is deliberate versus the anger and irritability that might come with depression alone. Instead I think he is blaming me for this dip into depression.

I thought we'd been doing okay.

I just need help knowing what to do right at this moment. Can I talk to him without it being a terrible idea?

A fight can put most spouses into withdrawal. Fights are devastating to marriages. And it sounds like he has given up.

I would write him a letter telling him how much you regret fighting with him and pursuing him with the fight. Tell him how much you miss him and pledge to never do that again. I would then propose a better approach to resolving conflicts. Tell him that you have been reading on Marriage Builders, they have a more measured approach. Send him this and ask him what he thinks:

Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

In the meantime, I would get the book Lovebusters and read the first 5 chapters, which addresses fighting and angry outbursts.

What are doing to stop yourself fighting with him? It takes two to fight?

Do you have AO?
Lovebusters

I don't have angry outbursts but I may have some of the others. The worse things I do are get hurt too easily by something I find critical. Also I'm sure my spouse thinks I have several annoying habits. I have tried to change them, but perhaps I don't try hard enough or don't understand how much they effect him.

I have written a letter . . . I wonder what you all think?


His Name,

I know you are feeling terrible right now. I have been giving you space with hopes that you would begin to feel better but it does not seem to me as if that is occurring. I really want you to feel better.

I deeply regret pushing you in our fight on Thursday. I know that what started out as a more minor issue was made huge by my behavior. I know that I am at fault in pushing you to talk while you were angry, I was then further at fault for calling you texting you. Also, while I justified it to myself at the time, I know that my intention in saying that �this is why we can�t fix things� was in no way pure, nor was it true.

Furthermore I know I added insult to injury by asking when you would come home and then by asking you not to leave again. I attempted to justify myself, was excessively defensive, and didn�t try and hear you properly.

I know you think I will never change, but I hope that was a feeling you succumbed to in the depth of your feelings. I believe I have changed in the past, but not enough. I certainly believe I can change more substantially. I pledge not to push you to talk when you are angry ever again. I ask you to give me this chance.

I have been reading a lot about what I can do to change. There are some things I hope we can both read about solving conflicts. I know you said that you didn�t ever want to talk about our issues with me again and I acknowledge that we should certainly never �talk� in the way we have been.

One place I�ve been looking at is MarriageBuilders.com founded by the same man who authored �His Needs, Her Needs.� They have more measured approaches to dealing with conflict. I feel we have to find something that will work for us since we can�t possibly continue a marriage indefinitely without discussing conflict. I do feel we need to find a structured approach before attempting any discussion.

I really want to do what it takes to make our marriage work. I acknowledge that I have much to work on and want to commit to really doing the self searching and work it takes to change me. I know you feel I blame you for everything but I really don�t. You have been a wonderful husband to me in many ways. I have been very happy with many things and I have problems communicating that. I will change that too.

I miss you greatly and love you very much. I hate to see you hurting this way. Please seriously consider what I have said.
Your wife,
Jessica

Getting hurt is not a lovebuster, though. Chasing him around to pursue a fight is. If you are hurt easily, the solution is for him to stop hurting you. And vice versa.

I do like the letter you wrote.

Well I printed off the letter and gave it to him and I asked him if he would read it, and he actually said "I will" and looked at me.

You know he feels like can't bring up any complaint without me crying or making him feel like the bad guy.

And yes the chasing him around about the fight is more in the nature of a selfish (although quite stupid) demand since I was feeling abandoned and quite vulnerable that night. But just look where it got me. I realize now I was demanding he sacrifice his emotional well being for mine as well as needlessly aggravating the situation.

Also I think I have a lot of annoying habits that I haven't realized affect him so deeply. I have tried to change but probably not hard enough nor thought it as important as I should have since I come from a "laid back" family. I also have ADD and that helps none at all.

I am going to buy Love Busters. I was trying to see if I could find an ebook version but didn't see one.

Love busters is an excellent start. Work on cleaning up your side of the street.

Here are some excellent reads on how to overcome love busters while you're waiting for your book. Read all the letters attached.

How To Overcome Love Busters

Well my husband came in and told me the letter seemed patronizing and emotionless. I told him I didn't know what else to do and that I had been crying off and on for the past four days if he wanted emotion.

However, it did open the lines of communication. He's acknowledged that our fight triggered one of the deepest depressions he has been in for a while and he can't seem to get out. Talk about emptying his love bank. He knows I'm not all to blame for his depression but I doubt he feels that way.

I certainly can't let this happen again because of a fight we have. Both of us may struggle with depression and we have got to work it out so that OUR RELATIONSHIP is NOT a contributing factor.

I've got to stay committed to this.

I am however sad to hear him talking of taking the same medication he did before. Last time it drained him of life, sex drive, and made him an absolute NIGHTMARE for a least a month when he was taken off the meds. It's scary.

Can you try and control your emotions when you're talking to him so you aren't crying?

What did you tell him when he told you how he felt about your letter?

Are you familiar with the three states of mind in marriage?

If you review them, you might see some behavioral similarities with the state of conflict and state of withdrawal and depressive behavior.

That's one thing I find fantastic about the Marriage Builders program - that it gives you a different way to look at things.

A low love bank balance is depressing. When it's low enough, it's very difficult to make deposits... much like when someone is having a strong bout of depression.

While he is adjusting to this med (again), do as BH suggested and work on eliminating your Love Busters, and see how you can meet his needs. Start scheduling some UA time.

Hold off on pushing the program for a short while, and try to build a good balance.


I would say your husband's reaction is indicative of a state of conflict or withdrawal, and you bringing up MB appeared to be a way to "straighten him out." It illustrates your apology as a manipulation tactic. Not saying that was your intention, but following up an apology with marriage advice does come off as patronizing for someone in that state. Make sense?


Your best bet is to begin to model the program for a short while before you make your pitch.


Also; stop arguing. If he walks away or leaves, let him. There is no reason to stand and argue when he is angry or you are angry.

I can see why he felt it was patronizing. Your opening suggests that "you know"

The more words you write, the greater the chance you love bust him.

May I suggest you try again, just using a modified paragraph from your letter.


There may be some more tweeks. But make an apology just that. Don't get off on "what you know" because it does sound condescending. It certainly doesn't make it an apology.

The basic apology is I did this, it was hurtful and wrong, please forgive me. I will not repeat my hurtful behavior.

Then an invitation. Perhaps instead of inviting him to work with you, invite him on something lighter to start with, to entice him out of withdrawal. Invite him to dinner at his favorite restaurant, or to some other type of date you know he's enjoyed before, or has said it may be fun to try.

It seems you want to process through the feelings and do all that relationship work that YOU think needs to be done.

He probably thinks some work needs to be done as well, but may have a different means of getting there.

You may need to meet some of his needs to get him out of his withdrawn state. In other words, you may need to do some things "his way" at first to help him re-engage.

I suspect he is not ready to power through a bunch of relationship exercises. If he's not sure he even wants to be there, then how appealing will they look right now.

I suspect you will first need to show him how good things can be to help him get on board and embrace the materials you mention.

You have to entice him out of his withdrawal before he will enthusiastically engage in MB. As compelling as MB might be to you, it may not have the same attraction to him at this moment.

I'm not saying it has to say that way. But you may need to sell it before he'll buy into MB. You sell it by showing him how you are dealing with your side of the street. By not doing the things he has indicated destroy his romantic love for you and by doing the things he has indicated build up that same romantic love.

Just saying, "join me in MB" is not a sales pitch.

When he said he found it patronizing and emotionless I just said, 1) I meant it all with emotion 2) I just didn't know what else to do 3)I just wanted to own up to my wrongs

He did relent so I hardly think another letter is a good idea. The first letter could have been better but its too late for another one. It's really not his favored method of communication as far as I can tell.


Well putting the stuff about MB in it was not my first instinct but when it was suggested I thought it could be a good way to let him know that I was sincere about trying to change my own ways.

But I agree that I should not push the program but work on it myself.

Now I've got to tell him I want to buy the book without making it seem like I'm pushing it on him.

Welcome to MB! .. have you tried printing off the ENQ and LBQ from this site? IF you got him on board with MB those would be a great way to discover what your top emotional needs are and begin a plan to making time to meet them on a regular basis (all while avoiding LB's like the plague).

You can find the questionaries in the top of the navigation in the questionaires section of the website.


Do you two get enough alone time together? 15hrs a week of undivided attention is what the Dr. Orders .. no kids .. no friends .. no tv. meeting the top 4 intimate needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. Also reading the His needs her needs book and lovebusters out loud together makes great UA time too so you can stop and discuss things as you read them.


MNG

edit to add .. Once you know his top emotional needs you can begin a stellar plan A to meet his needs (without expectations of your own needs being met for a period of only a few weeks to pull him out of his withdrawl).

Thanks Mr. NiceGuy I will be trying but I'm afraid it's very hard just now since it appears he has truly sunk into a deep depressive state and we won't be doing much until the depression resolves either through meds or time.

It's super difficult.

Dr. Harley recommends Wellbutrin for depression. It doesn't interfere with the sex drive.

Jessica you wrote this on another thread.


His AO are the first thing you need to deal with not eventually.