I'm so sorry Just, I think it takes a very strong man to do what you're doing.

I do understand your pain.

You do know why she wont look at you or talk nice to you, don't you?

I feel for her when her world comes crashing down on her. Trust me, it will. I've been there.
I hope she gets the clarity before it is too late.
How are you doing with your letter writing to her while you're inPlan A?

Thank you, BrainHurts. I have not written any letters lately. I'm afraid they will push her farther away and turn her off based on what I know of her after 28 years. I have written several letters over the past 6 months, but none lately. I will write another one soon. Good idea. Thanks.

It will be hard to write because I'm no longer in love with her. But I'll put myself in time warp. That will help. Thanks.

Do you think you're in the state of withdrawal or the state of conflict?
I was in your WW's shoes once and wished my BH of 17 years fought for me like you're fighting for your WW. I hope your WW comes out of the fog before the karma bus hits her.

Also, why would they turn her off? Does she not like affection or admiration?

Do they not come across as sincere?

She is turned off by guys who dote too much on their wives. All of the letters I've sent I've received no comments from. They are ignored. All she says is that her love for me is dead and its not coming back.

That sounds foggy--they probably irritate her and mess up her idea of your being awful (typical for WWs!).

Definitely foggy IMO. I got this from my WH as well during Plan A. If she did not want to receive them, why not directly tell you so? I think ignoring can at times be the WS being conflicted by the Plan A and WANTING it to continue. It is meeting an EN, so the WS hopes that by not saying anything the EN meeting will continue. It is still cake eating.

I think it likely your letters challenge your WW and meet an EN... Just, stop with the expectations of a reaction from your WW. Remember, every stone cast in the river causes ripples, and enough stones can build the bridge. No reaction from your WW does not mean the ripples from the stones in the water are not reaching her, or that the stones under the water are not building the bridge.

karmarose and caracal,

Thank you. I'll keep at it. My hopes stay where they are, but you are bolstering my resolve.

Here's a good read that might give you some more inspiration. be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves

Tough day.

My wife agreed three times to the marriage settlement agreement I had my attorney draft. She has promised to sign it several times, and she was the one who asked for it to be drafted. I've invested a lot in its drafting, and along with my attorney I've done all the work. She was supposed to sign it months ago. Today she tells me she will sign it on her own time as she's in no hurry to move overseas. Translation: POS affair partner is in no hurry for her to move overseas.

I can't stay in limbo much longer. It's been 6 months and the uncertainty is weighing heavy on me.

Up to this point I have done nothing to take steps towards the divorce. The MSA was drafted because she filed for divorce. I have avoided love busters and I've tried to be as loving and caring as I can. I get no response. I do things for her; she does nothing for me other than to say "thanks" when I do something for her. I may have to revert back to plan b again. Plan A is getting me nowhere and I feel like a total sucker.

Does your attorney have suggestions?
Can you be divorced and settle things after the actual divorce?

My attorney said I can push for a date, but I'd rather she sign the agreement that we spent so much time and money drafting.

Settlement is part of the divorce process.

Just to be clear, I don't want to divorce, but I do need to get my house in order and protect my children since she has filed. Since she has made it clear she wants the divorce, I don't want to be waiting indefinitely.

It's been a few months since my last update.

My wife left the house nine months ago. Her affair is still going very strong. Last month she finally signed a marriage settlement agreement, and we will be officially divorced in about six weeks. I will have full custody of the children and the house. She plans on living overseas with her wealthy, Muslim affair partner and coming over here one month out of every four. Supposedly he is going to buy her a small house that she can live in comfortably during her one month visits here. We'll see how that goes.

I did not file for divorce; she did. But I took assertive legal action early on, and it has served me well.

The other day I was talking to someone very close to my wife. She doesn't know what's going on with her any more than I do. This whole things is still very clandestine. She did tell me that my wife feels superior when she's around this man. He's a big shot and she enjoys the traveling, the dinners, and all the trappings of wealth. I told this person that I had tried from a distance to meet my wife's needs and keep open the door to reconciliation. She just subtly shook her head and in a nonverbal fashion told me not to go there. Not going to happen. After that conversation I made a conscious decision for the first time that I am giving up on reconciliation. I never had much hope to begin with but I resolved that I am finished with this relationship.

I told my mom about this decision and she wept. She is the only person close to me that has encouraged me to try and save the marriage. She did not try to persuade me for she too knows that there is no hope.

I thank Melody Lane for her very good advice about getting out of plan b and going back to plan a. I did not do an aggressive plan a because I couldn't. My wife has retreated too far for that to be possible. But I did suspend all disrespectful judgments and other love busters, and I did as much I could to meet her emotional needs. I am glad I did.

When the divorce is final, I will cut off communication with my wife as much as possible. I won't go dark completely because I refuse to miss events my daughters have just because she's there. Right now my wife comes to the house in the mornings and afternoon to watch the kids while I'm at work. When the divorce is final, she will not be allowed in the house and I will do everything I can to minimize contact. Seeing her, talking to her triggers hurt and anger. I don't want to live with these emotions forever. I know they will always be there to some extent, but I choose to minimize them by avoiding contact.

I am about to take a sharp turn in life's journey, and I plan on making this the best life possible for my girls and me. Even though this is not the turn I wished to take, I will move forward with a fighting determination to make this a beautiful and fulfilling life.

Through this ordeal I have been blessed by the great support of friends, family, church, my boss, and this online community. I'm unsure what the future holds, and I'm not going to jump into another relationship. At least I'm not looking to do that. I will make the girls my focus. Maybe after a year or so I will date, but I don't want to send the message to my girls this year that my marriage meant nothing and that now that I'm out of it I can just go out and date. I'll let some time go by before I start doing that. And even once I do start dating, I will be very, very hesitant to get into a relationship.

I would suggest that you get an IM to pass on communications, but if you don't want to go completely dark after the D, I will understand. Get as dark as possible though, for your own sanity, and a chance for you to have an even better relationship with someone else in the future.

I hear ya, Scotland. Thank you for the advice.

I'm going to do my best to not be bogged down by the hurt of the betrayal. I don't want to spend any more days angry and preoccupied by thoughts of my wife and her new life. I'm pretty disciplined, and I think I can find ways to divert those thoughts when they pop up. The only problem will be the void of companionship. That might make it hard not think about things.

I know how dumb this sounds, because I HATED it when it was said to me, but it takes TIME. Honestly. And, the darker you are, it will take less time and be less harmful to you emotionally.

Agree.

Also self care along side with time.

What are you doing for you?

Thank you, Scotland and BH. Yes, I am prepared to let time do its healing. When the divorce is final it will be the first time since I was 16 that I am unattached. My wife and I hooked up as bf and gf 28 years ago. Therefore, I know it will take a lot of time to heal. I was talking to a guy the other day whom I respect and admire, and learned that his wife left him in 1998. He said it still hurts at times. He never remarried and so I think the companionship void probably makes him ponder his loss a little more than most.

Brain, as far as doing things for myself, its a little hard to find the time. I have the girls. Plus, the years leading up to my wife's affair, I gave a lot of my spare time to work, church, and hobbies. I regret not giving my family more of my time, and I am determined to not make that mistake again. Nonetheless, to borrow from Covey, I will take a balanced approach and will "sharpen the saw."

J3, yours is a very powerful story of fortitude. Everything in your account tells me you tried your hardest -- even in the days upon which you now look back and decide, retrospectively, that you didn't. It takes courage and humility to fight as you have done, and I (from the depths of an extremely similar situation to yours) wish you and your daughters all the best of life going forward. God bless,
igiiroko

Thank you, igiiroko, for your kind words and reflections. I'm sorry that you, too, have had to embark on this difficult journey. Praying that you will receive the grace to persevere and make something special of your life.

Gassho!