Gamma has a good point.
How can she be devout in sin?

Certainly you ought to get input from the Harleys. I bet they will say your ex is not out of her fog yet. Not at all. Other than realizing that what she did was kind of awful.......for her.

My gf has bowed out. I'm sorry that she got hurt and feel terrible. I am heartbroken as I love her very much and had hoped for a long-term future. I understand the 2x4's but I had no reason to believe my ex-wife would ask me back. I tried for so long to get her back and all she would say is I don't love you anymore and I never will.

Though I still love my ex-wife, she has destroyed much of that love.

We had another long date and talk. She again expressed profound remorse and self loathing, and I was able to reiterate to her my forgiveness. I was so happy that she was able to finally acknowledge what she had done. It hurt me that the love of my life for 28 years could do something or horrid and not be sorry about it. I told her again that I forgive her and held her. She needed my forgiveness. The person I had know for 26 before the affair has returned. She is out of the fog.

I invited her over for dinner with the family the next evening. The children were so happy. And so was she.

When she go home she prayed and then contacted her affair partner and broke things off. She also told me she loves for the first time in a few years.

Her affair is over.

I am so happy for our daughters. Their mom is back and will not leave them again.

I am still deciding what to do. The concerns I expressed earlier are still there. I believe we can have a happy marriage, but there are issues that I think will hang over us forever. She said the sex was great with him. That is a put off. I feel like if I take her back, I will be celibate. I have no desire to touch her. We always had great sex up till the last few years of our marriage, but I don't see that coming back. I will live in his shadow in many ways. I fear that she spoiled permanently so many things by having this affair.

I spent Thanksgiving feeling heartbroken over the loss of my girlfriend and feeling awful about my wife's affair. I had entered recovery after the divorce and this renewed relationship with my ex-wife has brought back all the pain of the affair. The anger is gone and I am so glad that I have been able to forgive her. But the pain is back.

I will continue dating and see what happens. I will also pray a lot.

If we reconcile I will follow the marriage builders principles and the conditions that Dr. Harley prescribes will be put in place.

I will not simply take her back.

You sound a little foggy yourself. If she JUST broke up with her affair partner, she has yet to really go through withdrawal. She's been idealizing her return to your family and now the reality is about to set in. What if she gets back into it and decides its not as exciting or fulfilling as she thought it would be?

I would tread very carefully here.

What if her affair partner comes after her and tries to seduce her back? And you're basically saying you're going to move forward with a sexless marriage?

I don't know about this...but I'll be hoping for the best for you and your family.

Sex is really hot when it is top secret or out of boundaries of a marriage.

It doesn't mean he was anything fabulous. It means she was willing to communicate stuff she didn't dare try to communicate with her hubby in case he (you) was taken aback by it.

You two can rebuild a sexy marriage once she is truly committed to following marriage builders guidelines (minimum 15 hours of time together a week, no contact with OM, etc)

SF is an EN. Is it one of your top ENs? If so, what you are talking about doing will not last. A relationship with unmet needs will lead to a spouse sacrificing, and that is bad bad bad for marriage.

In the saa book sue also said sex with Greg was great and sex with Jon sucked

If she has converted to Islam what would you do?
Raise your kids as Muslims?

When you say your wife "is back" and "was gone" I want to remind you that she wasn't under a spell this whole time.
She chose to have an affair, chose to leave her family. She wasn't under the control of a mind control machine

Kids are staying Catholic. She will not proselytize them. My hope is that she will snap out of the fog and find her Catholic faith again. But I'm not banking on it.

Little, my wife left our kids too.
I encourage you to email Dr Harley for advice with a history of your case.
He encouraged me to protect my kids from her uncaring behavior.

Good. Protect your kids and keep them strong in the faith.
Dr Harley says to POJA faith of kids but for me it is not negotiable with an infidel.

So I have prayed over this, and have considered the pros and cons over and over. Very confusing. No clear answer, except that Marriage vows are for a lifetime and the kids interest is paramount to any decision that is made. So with that in mind, I am going to give recovery my best shot, if she will agree with the terms I have set. If she does agree to the terms, then we will work over time to see how we progress. I will not re-marry her or invite her back into the home until measurable progress is made. This is for my protection. Here is the letter I wrote to her this afternoon.

November 25, 2012

My dearest _____,

This week I have enjoyed meeting with you and reconnecting in a way I never thought possible again. Though we have a big mountain to climb, I believe that if we go into our plan with 100% focus, we can restore our remarriage and make it better than ever. Let's be decisive and work towards that goal.
Would you please consider taking the following steps with me?

1) We both end all contact with our other love interests. My girl friend has effectively done that. Your affair partner is still in hot pursuit of you. You said you were changing your phone number and getting rid of your computer. That has not been done. Until these two things are done, you have sent him a no contact letter, and I have had a chance to speak my peace with him, this issue is unresolved and I cannot resume dates with you.

A sample no cover letter is attached. I did not write it; I found it on the Marriage Builders Web site. There is another example of the no contact letter found in Surviving an Affair.
If you agree to send one, let�s discuss in person how to execute the delivery. I will need to be present when this happens.

Because of the delicate nature of our past, I would like to put keylogger software on your computer and phone. You may put them on mine as well.

2) We spend at least 15 hours a week together, and we meet to calendar this time. I would like to spend a week alone with just you during our upcoming Christmas break. The fastest track to recovery begins with couples making time with each other. I have really enjoyed our last 3 dates, and I believe that there were sparks of love on both ends.

3) We read the three books by Dr. Harley together and fill out all the questionnaires. We take all the steps he outlines and incorporate them into our lives.

4) You promise me that your heart is in to try and rebuild romantic love and affection in our marriage, and that you will never stray again.

Once again, I ask that you please take my hand and walk this new path with me. Let�s go all in and try to fix our marriage and put the past behind us. This is the best possible outcome for our family. With God�s grace we can do this.
Sincerely,
_______

Sample No Contact Letter (enclosed with the letter)

Dear ______,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way, my children, and my extended family who also suffered from the scandal we created. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best wife that he deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,
_______ (Please don�t sign with your new Muslim name as this validates your affair. Signing ______ (your birth name) is a rejection of the affair.)

I think you are getting your hopes up and putting way too much into this at this point.

SHE needs to show more initiative for you to work with.

(my two cents, but email the radio show and ask for direction!)

Reading,
I agree actually. We are showing signs of life, but she is not following through on some simple things. When I dropped off the letter she was reading a book, but it wasn't one of Dr. Harley's as she said she would.

She agreed to all but one point, the one about me contacting her affair partner. She has told me nothing about him that will enable me to identify him. As long as she protects him and shows loyalties to him, we cannot move forward.

We are at a stalemate tonight. If she doesn't change on this one point, reconciliation may be dead in the water.

Too bad. We had three nice dates this week, and that gave me hope.

There must be a reason his identity is so secret.

her AP lives overseas and is a Muslim

Find out who he is ASAP..Contact OM�s father,fly over there if you have to.
And talk to him.Sorry to be blunt here but bonking a married women.

OM�s father will skin him alive . Espically if you imply you will let him know.
That you will out OM to friend�s and family.

Breaking up another man�s family with kid�s is perhaps to contrary popular believes is seriously not ground up on in the muslim world...

And even if OM�s father would not do anything..No man in the muslim world
would marry ,a divorced women with kids..They are seen as damaged good�s..
And is considered as a Huge embarrassing for the man that chose to do it...

see my post above

How are you?

My last post was on November 26. Over one month later a lot has happened. My ex wife agreed to all of my conditions (based on MB principles, of course). She sent a no contact letter to her affair partner. I also contacted him, but kept it civil and Christian in tone. His response was less kind and a short and uncivil discussion followed. He threw my ex wife under the bus, which only helped her to get over him faster.

My ex-wife and I continued to date. I was unsure of her feelings, and I was still deeply in love with the girlfriend I had met after the divorce. She knew that my heart was with the other lady. So she called me at work in early December. She was crying and asked me to leave work and meet with her. At our meeting She made a strong and loving appeal for me to give her a chance. For the first time in years I saw in her face the love she had for me when we were younger. (We've known each other for 28 years.) The shine in her eyes that flickered so brightly so many years ago reappeared for the first time in ages. We talked for a couple of hours with many tears. She asked me to give her another chance and professed her love. I did not know where that love was coming from. For so many years she was out of love.

We went out again that night. We talked for a few more hours. We wound up holding hands and we eventually kissed. The kiss was like a movie, the most unbelievable kiss we've ever had. Words can't describe the feeling. She came home with me that night.

Since then we have continued to talk and hash things out. We made a firm decision from that day to begin recovery. We have been spending more than 15 hours of time alone each week. We are both educators so we had the last two weeks off. Last week we went on a cruise and it was like a second honeymoon. We are closer now and happier than ever. It has happened so fast.

We are reading Dr. Harley's books together and filling out the questionnaires. There have been many fights and the anger over the affair flares up now and then, but each day things get better. I have learned just about everything I need to know about the affair. I learn a little more each day, but the big things are known now. She doesn't hide anything from me anymore.

I am glad she is back in the house and so are the kids. We still have a long ways to go, but a love that I thought was lost forever has been recovered, and we both appreciate each other so much more. Thank God for second chances.

I am optimistic, thanks to what I have learned from Dr. Harley and the folks who post here, that my ex-wife and I will have a successful reconciliation. We are both willing to follow the marriage builder's principles. We are both going to make our marriage our top priority. We will learn to meet each others needs and to avoid love busters.

My only concern right now is that she is still a Muslim. She converted in a hotel room with her affair partner, so for me her pathway to the faith is profane. I cannot accept it in her. She has renounced her affair partner, but not the faith. This is something I will pray over.

There is one last piece of business to take care of. I am going to contact her affair partner's wife. Yes, he is married. I only just learned this. My ex-wife didn't know until 9 months into the affair. He was planning on marrying my ex as a second wife and keeping it a secret from the first wife. What a fantasy. My ex never accepted that idea. That's ultimately the reason she ended the affair. The first wife never knew of her husband's relationship with my ex-wife. I am going to call the first wife and let her know. My ex-wife will apologize to her as well. My ex-wife is deeply ashamed of everything. She cries about it and feels low self-worth for being a part of this.

In closing this post, the last month has been miraculous. A love that I thought was lost has been restored. What made this possible was Dr. Harley's teachings. I avoided disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts with my ex during the ordeal. I executed Plan B from a distance. Yesterday, I was in her room at the place she rented and saw in her bookshelf a book I sent her about the pitfalls of divorce and a letter I had written her when she was deep in the affair. That letter was an appeal for her to give our love another chance. I thought she had thrown it away after I gave it to her. But she kept it. I threw many rocks into the river hoping to bridge the gap, and I never thought the stones amounted to anything. But they did. Somehow, someway, my ex-wife missed what we had and she rediscovered the love we shared for so many years. I could have killed that love by giving up, by lashing out, and by not reaching out. Thanks to Dr. Harley and Marriage Builders I did not do that. The path to reconciliation has been long and tortuous, and I would not recommend it to anyone, but I am grateful for God's grace and for reconciliation and forgiveness. I am ecstatic to have the love-of-my-life back and our family in tact.