THANK YOU everyone for your advice.

Actually, when I had the locks changed a few days ago, I didn't want to tell the locksmith that it's because I'm kicking my wife out. So when he asked why do I need to changed the locks, I told him that it's because about a year ago, we lost one of the keys to the apartment (which is true), and I wanted to change the lock for peace of mind.

Of course, we lost the key at my parent's house when on one of our vacations, so I wasn't REALLY worried, but that probably makes it legal for what I did.

For anyone who is thinking about doing it, thought, it's pretty easy and fast. It costs about 60 dollars, the locksmith comes over in less than an hour. He changed both my doorknob and the deadbolt (same key).

Yesterday my wife called 6 times using an unknown number. As soon as I heard her voice I hung up. I didn't even pick up the other 5 times.

I know people said to change my phone number, but as I said before, it will be difficult because that's the number tied to all my patients and the various clinics in the state. I can't think of an easy way to notify all my patients to call my new number for their late night emergencies with their kids. Having a voice message on my old phone saying, "Call this new number for medical questions." just defeats the purpose; my wife will hear the message. I'm asking around with colleagues for suggestions; any that you have would be helpful too.

The only way I can think of is this: calling every patient (1000+!) and telling them about my new number. Like I said, not easy.

In Ohio, when you file for divorce the local court immediately issues a Mutual Restraining Order (MRO) which prohibits you from changing locks, withdrawing money from accounts, turning off utilities, etc.

My wife repeatedly violated the MRO with no consequences; the Police were called and they didn't care.

So technically you cant evict someone without following the proper procedures; However, there may be no consequences.

You NEED to contact an attorney for direction and not ask a forum for what is legal; I would file for divorce and you can always cancel later. Divorce takes several months anyway.

See an attorney and protect your assets before she does. Do you want your bank account frozen? Do you want your business accounts scrutinized? Stop thinking about your crazy wife and the door knobs and think about your profession and how to protect your assets.

If she is willing to leave the affair then you can do the MB plan

Thanks HDW and everyone else for looking out for me.

I really do appreciate everyone's advice here. I don't expect to get actual legal advice here when people don't know my state, my hospital policy, etc. Thank you JV for your advice as an attorney; it's good to hear other opinions.

I do have a lawyer to help me, but the last time I asked him advice during the exposure (see my other post: Exposure Emergency!
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2638012#Post2638012)
he recommended to stop any more exposure because if I continued it could be harassment. Luckily I targeted the important ones first: his professors, supervisors, workmates, students, friends in the state, family, and of course, mommy and daddy! The rest of the facebook contacts were out of state and probably barely acquaintances.

So basically, it's a fine line here between getting legal advice with lawyers who will probably tell me to do NOTHING, the law which is the law, and the vets here who are telling me to keep going.

This is what I plan to do . . . I am NOT going to ask my lawyer for what I am doing; they will just say to stop regardless if it's the law or not. I am 99% sure my wife will not take any legal action against me. If she does, however, I have made up my mind that plan B is immediately out and I will divorce as quickly as possible. Am I making any sense?

By the way, it's amazing how plan B makes it easier to think clearer!

I hope this resonates with others whom are following along.

No you arent making any sense.
I think you should file for divorce. That is a natural consequence of your wifes affairs.
She is a serial cheater. 3 affairs?
You have no children together.
You're wife wont like Plan B. She will want money and if she files first then you could have your accounts frozen. You are a doctor.
Then her attorney will get the court to ORDER you to pay for her attorney.

Family court is different than dealing with regular legal issues. Per my first atty: It all comes down to what your argument to the judge would be.

All you have to say is that you were worried about the WS barging in at any time, it made you feel unsafe.

Make sure that you have packed up all the WS's personal belongings and have given it to them so that they would have no reason to come in. So again, that would be your argument to the judge: They have no reason to come in, they had all their personal belongings. If they had a legitimate reason to come in, I would have had someone there to make sure they didn't rifle through my things and I would have allowed it.

No family court judge is going to throw the book at someone for not following proper eviction procedures if you do this. That is ridiculous.

Per my first atty again: Technically you are not allowed to bar access to the children without a court ordered visitation schedule in place. Again, would a judge ever throw the book at you for asking the WS to follow a visitation schedule and saying no to time outside of the schedule? No! Do you need to see a lawyer before you tell your WS that you expect them to follow a schedule? No! Geez.

"So basically, it's a fine line here between getting legal advice with lawyers who will probably tell me to do NOTHING, the law which is the law, and the vets here who are telling me to keep going."

That's exactly right, jah. And keep in mind that a lawyer does not care about saving your marriage or about protecting you from the trauma of an affair. They are NOT experts on marriage. The best plan is to change the locks and then tell your lawyer he needs to protect you if necessary. That is what many folks have done here.

The same with exposure. It is not harassment to tell the truth in America. But lawyers are lazy and want to avoid conflict at all costs. Again, they don't give a rip if you save your marriage because their job is to break up marriages. We have had even had lazy lawyers tell their clients they couldn't go into Plan B.

The bottom line is that most lawyers do not have your best interest at heart so it is best to do what is right for your situation and tell him to earn his pay by making sure you are protected. You are the one who has to live with the consequences, after all.

joh, it's probably a moot point, since you've already changed them. you're not going to change them back, right?

i totally agree that *everyone* should know the laws of their state.

where i live, it is completely, totally illegal to change the locks to keep a spouse out. i was willing to take that risk to stop the craziness in my life. i had a similar experience to you - got them done in an hour, both entries, only my locksmith asked me nothing.

was my H pissed? YES. did he see a lawyer? YES. did it change anything? no. basically, although he had a legal leg to stand on, the legal point was: did he want to end the M and take legal steps to have the house? no.

i would have gone through the legal process and exposed his behaviour to the whole world (via court), and his pushing the issue would have put us on the road to separation of assets and divorce. some WSs may do that. the BS has to be ready for the consequences as well.

everyone needs to think their situation through to the end when considering lockout. i knew that in my case, even if he got to push me out, i would then get sole possession of another of our houses anyhow, and his revenge would be pointless in that way. not to mention the empty LB$ and ultimate divorce. he wasn't willing to risk that immediate consequence, though i was!

Letty, most WS's react just as yours did. The last thing they want is to go before a judge and have to listen to their betrayed spouse explain exactly WHY the locks were changed in an open court. It just makes them look even more cruel than they really are. They don't want the truth of their affair dragged through court. WS' always back down on this point. And if they don't, so what? The worst thing that can happen is you have to give him a key.


I know of one case of a board member, BH, in England changed the locks on his WW. She called the police and they told her to have her attorney handle it. Her attorney sent his attorney a letter explaining about the affair and how upsetting it was to be in her presence. Her attorney backed off completely.

that's why i was happy to add my 2 cents

Thanks again everyone for your advice.

I think I'm going to stick with what I wrote above. I know you are just trying to look our for me, HDW, and I don't mean any disrespect. But the truth is that I just started out as a physician. I have more loans than assets. I don't own a house or even have mortgage, I own a beat up 2000 $ car, and I have only about 2000 $ in savings. That's honestly it. I put the rest of the money I've been making to try and pay my loans off faster (almost 100K left). So even if they came after me I don't have much to give anyways at this point in my life. If the worst thing that happened is that they froze my assets, scrutinized my practice, made me pay for her lawyer, then that's fine. I'll go straight for divorce and that will be that.

I WILL try and educate myself about the law. But I am not going to ask my lawyer for advice unless it is imminent that legal action is going to take place. Like what people have said and what I have already experienced, my lawyer tells me to stop all action even when it's not against the law.

Some updates for you all: my IM e-mailed me that after my wife called me 6 times from an unknown phone number yesterday, she then called my IM saying she was ready for all the conditions. My IM then stated that an agreement wasn't good enough, that some action was required this time. The action I specified was having a no contact letter drafted by my wife, have my wife set up a polygraph appointment, and handing over all the passwords to my WW stuff. This is because once before my WW agreed to my conditions just to get to talk to me. In any case, I still think it's a combination of my wife wanting 'cake eating' and also wavering on being with me. Actually, even if she did show initiative and agreed to my conditions, I would still keep her out of the apartment and for a month or two to see more genuine action that she wants to work on the marriage.

Despite making it clear to my friends that I want NO UPDATES on my wife, a few of them have still been calling to update me. I thank them for their concern, but I firmly ask them again that I do not want to be updated AT ALL. They agree and say they understand, but who knows? I tell them that they think it's helping me by updating me, but it's really just hurting me more.

So anyways, despite not wanting to be updated, I still found out information about my wife, and so I might as well share them here.

One friend said that my wife was crying one night after reading her e-mail from my IM restating that there is to be no contact between my wife and me and that she should only send messages to my IM. My wife also cried when she found I packed all her stuff.

Another friend of my wife said that she couldn't bear kicking my wife out of her apartment. My wife asked to stay with her three weeks, and this friend said only two days, but then wavered today and then made it ten days. I told this friend that it's up to her, she can do what she wants, but it's supporting the affair to let her stay longer. This friend is afraid that my wife will just go and stay with the OM, but I told her that by kicking her out the OM might also not let her stay either, and this will stop the affair faster. In the end, she couldn't make up her mind, and I just told her, do whatever you want, but don't update me anymore. Don't tell me if she stays, or goes, or when she goes, or where she goes. I don't want to know.

I'm not sure what to make of all this. My initial thought is that my wife is a huge 'cake eater', and that this 'cut off from finances and apartment' is not having the effect I thought it would have. But it's just day 6 of plan B, so who knows. Like I said, she doesn't work, no savings, no finances. She also might still see me as a 'doormat' that won't divorce her. I am trying not to be a 'doormat', and I'm learning alot about myself in the process. Well, the letter I gave to my IM to give to her should convince her otherwise (see a few posts back).

Anyone with any other thoughts?

She is crying because she lost her personal ATM. Jah, it occurs to me that she has a philosophy of marriage that dictates she is to follow her heart. Which means if she meets a new love interest that she is entitled to pursue it by virtue of her feelings alone. Does she even believe there is anything wrong with adultery? Has she ever indicated she believes she did anything wrong?

Thanks for reading, ML. Yes, before going dark (when she was in her home country) she actually has told me she knows that she has hurt me so badly. She apologized to me for hurting me. She said that she knows what she did is wrong, and she doesn't know why it happened. To me that sounds a little like crazy talk; either that or it shows how she doesn't realize how friendships can lead to adultery if the situation is right (I have a little better understanding through going through the MB website).

There was one time I mentioned that she better go to a priest and ask for God's forgiveness, she burst out crying even more. I don't think she is faking this.

I've been reading other threads, where the WS has no remorse and feels like the BS somehow deserved what happened. I don't think this is the case with my wife.

Oh, and this one part is VERY confusing. A friend of my wife came up to me today and gave me a little over a hundred dollars. She said that my wife really wants to support herself as she makes her decision to return to me or not. She said that this is the extra cash from her trip to her home country (she brought only cash when she traveled to her home country).

A hundred is not much money. But I don't think my wife is devious enough to be playing any mind games with me, do you?

But her remorse doesn't stop her from repeating her affairs. So I wonder if the tears are more for show? It is obvious that she is not committed to the marriage in any sense of the word. She must have a narrative that tells her she is entitled to have affairs. Se doesn't accept that marriage means an exclusive relationship. As long as she has that personal philosophy, you will never be safe with her.

I think she will do or say anything to get you to continue supporting her so you might want to hold out until she becomes self supporting. Do you think she is looking for a job?

Yes she is. I think that is great she wants to support herself. I think you should tell her friend that you agree she needs to do that. Let her prove she isn't only in this marriage to use you as her personal ATM.

I have no idea if she is looking for a job, since I have gone 'dark'. Should I try and find out?

Your first point is an important one that I have realized beforehand. If she knows it is wrong, and sees how much it hurts me, and tells me she feels bad about doing it, then why has repeated the adultery again and again? I have asked her that before and she just remains silent; she cannot give me an answer.

This makes me think that like you said, either she has a narrative in her head saying she is entitled to affairs, or she doesn't realize the conditions that can lead to affairs.

Yes, I do agree that she needs to prove herself financially. That will be a condition before moving in back with me.

There is one other thing I would like to mention, though. There was a time in our marriage when she actually did work. I can count five separate jobs that she found on her own and did for 2-5 months at a time. Mostly labor jobs: hamburger joint, bakery, restaurant, babysitter, and English tutor. Somehow, she couldn't get many jobs in her major of English as a Second Language, although she really did try and apply all over. It's competitive, I guess.

One of her jobs she actually worked for 4 months straight and then used all of that money to buy me an ipad for my birthday, which I had always been drooling over but held out buying because I felt it was a 'want' not a 'need'. This is two years ago, when our marriage was still strong.

I guess my point is that there was a time where I wasn't just the ATM and she did contribute. Somehow, when our marriage went downhill, so did her attitude I guess.

"This makes me think that like you said, either she has a narrative in her head saying she is entitled to affairs, or she doesn't realize the conditions that can lead to affairs."

After 3 affairs in 3 years, it is apparent it does not happen by accident, but by design. She is actively seeking affairs.