Telling someone else how they feel is a DJ, mamasita.

Maybe you need to put down your weapons and stop shooting at the rescue helicopters?

It is very good for an angry man to hear just how pathetic he appears in the eyes of other men.

There is nothing to respect in a man who verbally abuses his wife, someone he should protect and cherish. It's pathetic. Why should Markos or any other man show any respect for that?

If he wants respect, he should do whatever it takes to protect you and control himself. He's not willing to do that. He will not be willing to do that as long as you coddle him by DEMANDING that other people show him respect.

I find it sad that you are slamming the door on 3 people who have been through the MB program, and have counseled personally with Dr. Harley.

I can completely avoid SD's and DJ's WHILE my husband is screaming at me in a fit of an AO. Can you say the same? Who are you to judge another's ability to teach these basic principles when you cannot avoid them yourself?

But that's not even close to being a high priority until Papasita's angry outbursts are eliminated. This is like arguing about what color to paint the walls in the Titanic while the ship sinks. IF your husband decides to participate in eliminating his angry outbursts, THEN it makes sense to start getting into this, but until then, he needs to leave, to protect you and your children.

Prisca was amazingly disrespectful to me last year when she was posting to Dr. Harley, but Dr. Harley never once talked to her about ending her disrespect. He told her that until I made progress on the problem of angry outbursts toward her, our marital problems could not be resolved.

There has been a lot posted here for you to learn, which you seem to be ignoring. And Papasita is trying to warn you off of this website because he is not serious about taking care of you and ending the fights in your marriage, and he would like you to find a reason to leave here so that he doesn't have to reform. Then he can continue to get his way with angry outbursts.

And it will only get worse. These situations escalate, as the habit of angry outbursts get worse and worse. There is no predicting what he will do.

So when I hear that he was offended because we suggested that you follow very very sound advice for a woman married to an angry man (do not allow him to come home until he IS SAFE), what I hear is a man throwing up a smokescreen because he is not serious, he does not want to change, he wants to do the bare minimum to get by, he does not care about doing what it takes to have a good marriage but only wants to continue to get what he wants at your expense and maintain the status quo, and a man who is not man enough to come here and discuss this and learn what he is doing wrong.

Do I respect that? No, I do not. He weaseled his way back home and is doing nothing.

Here is Dr. Harley's suggested wording to one wife whose husband has an anger problem:


That doesn't sound very respectful to me. But Dr. Harley is addressing the real problem, the huge problem: the angry husband abusing his wife.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html

AFTER such a man addresses the giant elephant in his room (his anger), then smaller problems like disrespect can be dealt with.

Why did you ask how my wife handled this and then completely ignore the advice given?

I am afraid he won't hear because you aren't serious about doing what it takes. I am afraid he won't hear because he can get away with the status quo. I am very afraid for you and your children, mamasita.

I want you to learn what we are saying. Pages and pages of information, article links, radio show links, and nothing to show for it so far. I am definitely afraid.


I wish you would trust us to have an idea what is helpful. I am afraid he will not listen because you are not listening; you are just trying to defend him from someone on the internet who can't even hurt him.


Let him show up and argue it, then. That is the real problem: he will find any excuse to avoid facing this. Watch.

I don't think you realize what a crisis this is.

If he already does this NOW, how could he possibly blame us for his misdeeds? It sounds like he already knows how to be pretty terrible.

Let him earn some respect by acting respectable.

Did you know that my anger management therapist hands out diagnoses of "CHRONIC JERK"?

So was mine, but it didn't stop Prisca from kicking my butt out and me sitting in a cheap hotel for a week, which was very warranted.

The thing about an angry outburst is that it is insanity. You have no idea what a person in an angry outburst will do, no matter what they have or have not done before. All you know is, that if he will not get true helpful therapy for the situation, it is only going to get worse.

Did he come home begging to come back, repentant, saying he would do anything and change anything and asking what he had to do?

Or did he come home expecting you to be grateful that he had returned?

He punished, and:


It worked. You were scared to lose him and unwilling to draw any lines. His manipulative, punishing strategy worked.

This is why I am afraid for you and your children, mamasita, and this is why I'm not feeling a whole lot of respect for papasita right now.

you all told him to leave right that's why he said he was gonna leave. i agree with optimism . and brainhurts is very helpful. i have read the stuff here and listened to the clips. i agree and understand.
i do not respect your tactics to make him stop disrespecting me. please sont disrespect my feelings in this. you all just kept up with the insults too. i told melody lane i didnt like the crazy face and then she just gave it right back. you repeated all of your insults too, prisca and markos. you do the same thing he does. how is he supposed to learn how to stop here? the tactics you all are using are the ones i want him to stop.
the abuse is not escalating. it has lessened dramatically. the only thing that really remains is verbal abuse and you guys are all doing the same thing so i dont know how he is supposed to learn how to stop here. you guys seem to think its okay to treat me disrespectfully too.
papa has agreed to leave when he is angry and that is good enough for me. and i think taking a walk is much better than moving to a hotel. that seems like an invitation to stray.
i was respecting your advice. until you started using disrespectful judgements.

you all TOLD him to leave and then when he said he was gonna leave and you all accused him of affair and punishing me. of course he was upset. i would be upset if i were arguing- not right of course- and my husband went to someone in the middle of it who told me to kick me out and called me names.
you told me it was disrespectful to tell someone how they feel when i told melody lane she didnt care about my feeling because she kept giving me the crazy face even tho she knew it hurt me. well i think you are very disrespectful when you tell me how my husband feels and what he thinks. it is true. he is not here. i wouldnt blame him with the way you disrespect him and then wont back down about it. i wish i had someone else to talk to here besides you 3. i dont agree with your tactics of namecalling, and you still do it. i am not going to try to force my husband to subject himself to people who disrespect him. i do like dr. harleys letter. that letter could have been about me. i still talk about my husbands affairs when i am angry sometimes. i am learning, but i am the Buster who was lovebusting in that story.

Can you afford the MB coaching? What about emailing Dr. Harley?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

there is too much for me to answer to here. its hard because my time when i come on here is in the morning and you are not here then. i can assure you my husband came back from working in our care being repentant and not telling me i should be grateful he was back. i didnt beg him to come back. he came back with a good plan that shows me he put some thought into it. truthfully, i would have been pretty upset if he spent a week at a hotel while i stayed here taking care of all the pets and kids and other house business while he would have what would seem to be a vacation. maybe he should stayt here with the kids while i go to the hotel. i think him spending more time caring for our kids, would help him learn to control his temper and outbursts better. being angry isnt working for him very well for him either. he knows it and has changed alot. now he just need someone to tell him that insulting and sarcasm and nasty tone are abuse that have to be eliminated too. but you all do it too to him. i dont see how that is supposed to work. i feel like everyone in the world is willing to use these techniques now to get what they want. of course there are many posters here and many didfferent personalities, and i dont think everyone feels the ends justify the means.

thank you brainhurts. top o' the morning to you! i will try to write to the harleys. i wonder how long i should make it and what i should incude?

we probably could afford a little coaching right now. we have been doing alot better financially. my husband got a new job and we just bought our dream house- an old fixer upper with solid oak everywhere that used to be half dentisit office and half house. we love it. the funny thing is is that out mortgage is actually less than paying rent had been for us. i am so glad we decided to come buyers! i know my husband is serious and wants us to work. we have alot going for us. sometimes he just gets too frustrated and loses his temper. i feel like if he could learn to identify that point where he is losing his temper. that would be very helpful.

Here's an excellent post by Pep answering this very question.