It's understandable after the blow you were given.

You do have awesome kids.

I was thinking the documenting will help for when/if you have to go back to court for visitation or CS issues.

Okay, bright sides:

I can have my church back, yay!
When soccer season starts this fall, I won't have to worry about missing games because WH is there, I can just be there for my kids!
I have some awesome friends who will look out for me and the kids...both here and back where we used to live (the area that he moved back to).
He's finally out of the house, so I can figure out what to do with it.
I don't have to worry about running into him in our relatively small town. And I don't have to prove anything...I'm already fully capable to parent and will win everything I want in the divorce, except perhaps him taking debt, but whatever, it would have just increased if we had stayed together so at least now I can be proactive. And likely he'll end up a bum, so it's not like I'll get blood from a turnip anyway.

Okay...deep breath...I can do this.

Yes......you CAN do this.

WOW, JV!!!!! I just sat and read your whole thread from beginning to end. To see your transformation, your strength, your discipline, the ability to make choices against what your heart was telling you is just absolutely amazing!!!!!!! It is good to see that you are positive and putting the most important things first.

I identify with your "waffling." Pulling that final trigger is just the hardest thing to do. I can see from reading your story that it was for you and just is for me the right thing to do.

I think when it comes to my marriage, the emotional stuff, I am one of those you pretty much have to beat me to death with the information, and then maybe I will get part of it. I am not able to wrap my brain around how a spouse could actually do the things your (or mine) have done. How did you?

Anyway, I am so happy that you and your chilren and doing well.

I look forward to hearing more of your journey.

Good for you. one day at a time!

Yesterday I did a great job at self care! I had lunch with my IM and it was wonderful, about an hour and a half til I realized I better get back to work! Then we went to a friend's house for dinner/kid movie and she and I talked for a good two hours while serving the munchkins and letting them enjoy a girl-power movie together

I'm also going to get a new cell phone today with a new phone number and not give it to WH. He has my home phone number and IM's number and work number and that's all he'll need. My cell phone is at least 8 years old, a little basic nokia, and it'll be so much fun to get a smart phone and join the information age!

Then, soccer registration for the kids today, and I have all next week off. I have some doctor's appointments, counseling appointments, and one scheduled for my DD10 who's been holding in her stress. And I will keep us all busy over the next few days so we don't have too much time to wallow.

Oh, and I let the kids have a sleepover in mama's bed last night. I coslept with them all when little and it was fun to have them back last night, along with the dog and one cat.

I'm wondering about doing one thing that might be bad for my plan b or not. I had one friend from the old homeschool coop where we used to live who has now become good friends with OW. (And I'm convinced he's either living with her now or at least in an active relationship with her...no other reason to move back there.) When I did the facebook exposure, this friend told me I was out of line and blowing things out of proportion, then she defriended me. I kind of knew she would. (Like I said before, there's a bit of a class difference between ALL of OW's people and my crowd, and this friend is actually kind of between the two...educated and working hard, but still friend's and more comfortable with working people than professional people. FWIW, *I* value people for who they are, not what they do, but I've noticed that most people stay in groups they are comfortable with, it's an observation.) Anyways...I thought about sending her a message on facebook saying "Just so you know, WH left here without saying goodbye to his son or making a plan to see him, and is now living back there, having provided no support whatsoever. Most likely, he's actively involved with OW. If he is, feel free to forward that information to IM, but I do not want to know anything. I just felt you should have this information as you told me previously I was exaggerating. I'm sure you remember from our co-op days how important family was to WH and to see him totally abandon his son and step-daughter has been very painful. The reason he is doing this is, I believe, because of his inappropriate affair with OW. Our son has been very upset by his leaving, the girls are honestly used to it as he's had so little to do with them in the past few months."

Would that be breaking plan B on my part? I feel a bit as if it would be protecting my reputation. I was hurt by this friend's reaction, even though I expected it.

Oh, one other thing. WH has been telling IM that I'm spreading lies about him having an affair to our church friends. She said she had no idea he was having an affair (but now fully believes it based on his behavior), because what I'd said was that I found him on facebook having inappropriate conversations with a woman and not being honest to me about it. (I hadn't labeled it affair, I guess, so didn't get people's radar up). IM has spoken to a couple of other friends from church and told them about WH leaving and his affair, and they also, I guess, hadn't considered what I said before to mean that WH was in an affair (and to be honest, I hadn't had proof it continued, or even much detail, just his dishonesty and the bit I saw that indicated that she and he had been talking intimately for some time). So, maybe I flubbed exposure here. But when I spoke to friends at church I also asked them to encourage him to end this relationship and work with me on restoring our marriage.

Finally, I think I have a good nickname for WH...HAM standing for Hearts a Mess, a song by gotye (also sing Somebody that I used to know, a really awesome song and cool video). What do you think? He's certainly acting like a pig and his heart is, obviously, messed.

I'm looking for an AWESOME day!!

Actually, on second thought, I went back and re-read her last facebook message to me: I want to make this very clear. You don't seem to have a good understanding of what is appropriate and not appropriate. Sending a mass email out to everyone on her facebook is s wrong. I don't care what you think she did, that is totally uncalled for. I considered you a friend, but can no longer consider you a friend. I do not associate with people that can be cruel, petty and jealous. She did nothing with your husband, and if you had a great relationship, it wouldn't matter what she said or did. Nothing can interfere with a happy marriage. Please do not ever contact me again. I will be deleting you from my facebook. I hope you get some help for your jealous and controlling ways. This is not normal.



So, she obviously bought into the BS HAM was trying to spread about ME having a mental health problem. It's probably not even worth it. The truth will become apparent in it's own way. And yeah, that last message hurt, but whatever, I'm tough. Sigh. This whole situation, is just crazy and sucks. I'm sad to be back here again after having already gone through one marriage that was killed by adultery, now to have another??

This FB "friend" sounds like she has either been an OW in the past, or will be. And if she is married, she may learn soon enough what happens in a good marriage. Affairs happen in good marriages all the time.

When I read your first marriage, I was going to state that you shouldn't waste your time on her, and after reading your second post, I believe that even more.

I agree. This "FB" friend isn't worth your time to respond. With her way of thinking as to what is controlling and jealous, makes me nervous about her own M, with no understanding of how affairs begin.

I guess she may learn the hard way, but hopefully not.

That FB friend is divorced. Anyways...the roller coaster...

My sister today reminded me about how HAM used to lambast a friend of hers who had moved away from her child. He used to say how he'd never do that, no matter if he was divorced or what.

I went over to the house. I had the kids with me, which was a little hard, but I think DS needed to see the house was empty. And then my heart dropped when I found a piece of paper with her address written on it. It's funny, even without her name written by it, I knew it was hers. I feel kind of faint and very ill to my stomach. I just want to scream and yell and curl up and sleep. And I have three little ones looking to me for guidance. I had all these plans to go out and do stuff and I just feel...so...adrift. I've called my IM.

Part of me wants to take a picture of the address, in HAM's distinct handwriting, and send it to him, his parents, etc. I'm just...floored. Why do I have to go through this, AGAIN? This is so horrific...I'm in so much pain....

Oh, and the thought of him having sex with her on father's day...when her kids were undoubtedly with their dad...it just makes my blood curdle. I feel half dead. I guess I just remembered I hadn't taken my AD yet today, so I'll go fix that. Uggh.

And the poor kids just want to have a good time this week off and I'm just a mess.

We're going to go swimming soon. Then maybe shopping or a movie or something. I don't want to be at home.

Sorry about finding the address. I know it hurts but it should confirm to you did the correct thing.

Do not cancel your plans with your kids. Go out and be determined to make sure they have fun.

Keep the note for documentation.

Your WH is still very wayward and was cake eating with you far too long. Be proud of yourself for being brave enough to finally get out.

I'm trying to. I did get out with the kids, we went swimming at the Y, then shopping, bought my daughter a bike for her birthday (she'll be at her dad's on her birthday this year...first time ever away from me on that day when I became a mother). I feel half dead though. I don't think I can get over the physical affair thing. I really don't think I can. I don't think I can get over him moving away for a wh*re, either.

((((((((((((((Jennifer)))))))))))))))) I promise that you can live over this and have a chance for happiness. You won't always hurt like this. Your future is brighter today than it was a month ago. I know it doesn't seem like that, but try and remember why you are where you are today. It is because you were living in a marriage that was full of pain and despair. By getting out, you have changed the path of your future. You have a chance now to be happy in the future.

Very well said. to JV

Thanks. I'm feeling very alone tonight. I just want to confront him in some way...I'm not sure why the actual physical evidence of him going to her is so much more significant than just my strong suspicion...after all, I knew I wasn't crazy/jealous/controlling like he said, right? But I still *feel* this so much more. The rest has just paled in comparison. I can barely eat. I have been nauseous all day. I just...want a lot of company, and instead, I'm alone. I'll have to fix that for tomorrow, make sure I'm around other people. Because this loneliness is so hard to bear. I think it's one thing to think there is some slim chance HAM is down south with his good friend, talking sailboats, and another thing to realize that he's curled up in another woman's bed, reading her children bedtime stories, etc. That's just...
I don't even know how to put it into words. I feel like I'm reeling. I found a few interesting quotes today...one from Me and Bobby McGee...Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose. (I'm so glad I don't have that kind of freedom, and how pathetic if that's what HAM wants, to lose everything, so he just doesn't care anymore and can be "free"? Is that typical wayward or what?) Also, "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil." Proverbs 5:3 Ah, so explains the false relationship that develops when a person tries to steal someone away from a marriage. I am certain this lowlife woman, if she even deserves that honor, was coveting my husband back 4 years ago when my baby was on my knee and we were talking about how happily remarried I was and she was so envious and hoped for that one day (mind you...she was still married and obviously not putting her energy into that). And then when HAM started coming to the homeschool co-op in my place, because he lost his job and I was desperately working a contract job to keep us housed and fed, not to mention looking desperately for full time work, cooking, cleaning, and still homeschooling in my spare time...she dripped her honey on him, starting a love bank balance. And then...saw her chance over facebook to make more deposits, to strengthen his interest through her flattery and criticism of me, her sympathy for how wronged and unappreciated he was, even how ABUSED he was...oh, honey and smooth oil, and pure evil. I'm so glad I exposed to her facebook friends, now it will be more obvious when she starts showing up with him. I wonder if she's changed her FB status yet to in a relationship, wouldn't that be so touching?

Sigh...I am not going to sleep well tonight...maybe I should open the bottle of wine I have, drink a couple of glasses, and drift off that way...I'm just so consumed right now.

What happened to OW marriage? Does her BXH know of their affair?

There divorce was finalized a couple of months after I caught them on facebook. I've tried to find him, with no luck (doesn't appear to be on social networks and can't find an address or phone online). I did put effort into finding him at one point..but have since redirected me efforts. I met the guy once, back when OW and I were friends and we lived near there we gave her some pets and came to check on them occasionally. It's funny, HAM and I were pretty livid at the time that she was doing a poor job of caring for them (mostly about socialization, not actual neglect). But, I guess that's that. She also hang out with us a few times, never at our house, but we met nearby at a musical gathering spot.

Must say...the wine is really good Small comforts

Hey JV. Just read your entire post. I know it's hard starting plan B, but you are doing great! The rollercoaster will calm down; that's what I'm slowly realizing as I have been in plan B for a week now.

I will never understand what kinds of emotions you are going through, especially since you also have children to deal with, but hang in there. From what everyone has said after a few weeks you will start feeling better.

And I like that acronym HAM. Can that also stand for "Horrendous Act of Maliciousness"?