Yes, I know I give my WW too much credit. I am probably 'in the fog' myself, trying to justify giving my wife another chance.

Had to look up "malapropism". I didn't mean that; even after looking it up I'm not sure what I was doing. But I'm glad if it gave you a chuckle.

I'll take down my 'bumper sticker' epilogue. THAT one was supposed to give you a chuckle, but if you think it might offend some people, it doesn't have to be up.

I'll post it here one last time so people know what your talking about:

"'I Love My Wife' bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating."

Glad you recognise and are ACTING on this jah.

Keep acting.

I agree that the bumper sticker line missed the mark.

Dr. J., I think you are apologizing for that wife. Id lay odds of 100:1 that this divorce threat goes nowhere.

At one time you show the promise of a man who is in complete control of his future then in the next post will display a meekness of p-whipped loser.

You are a doctor who was cheated on 3x by an ingrate. You are young and unencumbered by children. You have the freaking world by the cajones. Go out and live a little.

If this wife wants to date you, I'd accept that. Some sushi and Sapporo is fine. She should be but one of several you are seeing, man. She told you its ok after the 2nd affair (by having it). But to pay her way while she does others is insane. And with your background, you could diagnose yourself.

I'm a guy saying this but I have to believe some ladies here would agree.

Part of your process Jah is coming to terms with the fact that your wife is not who you think she is. She's not someone who got swept into one affair and is now remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to recover. Instead, she just may be a spoiled girl who feels entitled to do whatever, whenever and everyone else is expected to just roll with it.

Maybe this was part of her charm, initially and it felt good to care and protect her. You wanted to spoil and pet her because it was sweet and charming. Now you're waking up and starting to come out of your own fog and realizing that maybe, just maybe you don't know her at all.

You picked a healing profession. So did I (I'm a counselor and had an EA a couple years ago, so I 'get' the wayward fog). Is it possible the healer in you picked a seriously wounded/flawed partner? I see this a lot. It's comfortable to be the healer. It gives a certain degree of control. Did you pick someone to 'heal'? If so, you got off to a false start and to expect her to step up and change is like expecting some of the drug addicts you observed to do the same.

Why do you have to lead her? Good heavens. She needs to be showing YOU what she's willing to do!

Consider the notion that you can find a partner who is more equal and can give back, instead of taking, taking, taking.

What I see in your missive above is that you need time to work through your own complex feelings about the partner you chose. You're going to have to grieve this. You can do the plan and do a stellar job but unless SHE puts forth serious effort, it just isn't going to work and that might be the biggest blessing in disguise you're ever received.

Check out JenniferVoyager's thread(s). She fell in love after a disastrous first marriage that ended with her exh's infidelity. She married the second husband, had a baby and slowly discovered that he was pretty useless as a partner.

He could never hold a job, he broke promises, right and left, they bought a house to renovate (because he has skills) and he just let the whole thing rot while she toiled away at her job supporting the children AND him.

It took months for her to see that no amount of work was going to shift this guy. His EA is what brought her here and it took a long time for her to realize he wasn't going to cut it as a partner.

They're heading towards divorce and he has basically decided to move 400 miles away, abandoning his son so he can be close to his AP. He is a FREELOADER. I don't think your wife is a renter...she is a FREELOADER. It's a tough pill to swallow but once you get a chance to sit with the truth, you'll star to see that you've already done A LOT to make this work. Now it's her turn...

jah, I think you are doing the right things and will not argue with your plan. Your plan ensures you are protected regardless of how this turns out. If your wife doesn't change, then you are divorced. If she does change, then you have a shot at a good marriage. Plan B takes you out of the situation so your anxiety level goes down and your ability to use good judgement increases.

I do object to your description of her affairs as an "addiction." She is not in a fog at all, she is not addicted.. This is her way of life. She has a worldview that reflects a belief that she is entitled to pursue affairs. She did not just stumble into an affair like most people, she actively pursues them. She lives like a single person.. There is nothing foggy about that.

And no, a person who gets married and never stops chasing men is not marriage material. That doesn't mean she can't become marriage material, but there is nothing you can do to force her to change. Plan B will not force her to change. While exposure may have a small effect, it does not have the same effect it would on a one time cheater who really is in the fog. The power of exposure comes from piercing the fog. There is no fog here, though, so exposure will be of minimal effect.

Just so you know, Dr Harley says that most serial cheaters are anti-social personalities. Your wife may fall into that category.

My concern with you is that you believe that you have the power to change your wife. And you don't. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation and stop enabling her affairs. That is all you can do. You do understand this, right?

I agree with this. I think if his wife were to be completely honest, she would admit that she feels entitled to "follow her heart," whereever that may lead. And she may even admit that she got married for the sole purpose of gaining a meal ticket. Three affairs in three years is someone who is not and was never serious about marriage.

Your wife fits the description of the freeloader exactly:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Okay everyone, I woke up this morning knowing that those 2x4's were coming. I really do thank you for reading my long posts and replying. I have a hard-head you know, harder than than most people!

I still honestly think my wife was not a freeloader when we got married. But I agree with you all, she is one now.

This is what I agree with you all 100%:
- My wife is a freeloader.
- I can't change my wife; I can only change myself.
- I am doing all of the work. I don't see any effort on her part.
- All I can do is get out of the situation and stop enabling her affairs.
- She's not in a 'fog' stumbling into affairs. She is actively looking for them.
- Filing for divorce is a win/win for me.*

And you know what else I realized? Subconsciously, I have been hoping that cutting my wife off from the apartment and from finances would make her stop her behavior, make her accept my conditions and work on the marriage. Other people here even told me so, "Don't worry Jah, if you are the sole provider, going into plan B will make her come back quickly."

But how pathetic is that? It's counterintuitive! Have my wife work on the marriage because finances were cut off? That's not supposed to be the reason! It's supposed to be because she values the marriage!

So let me tell you what that * means up there. It means even though I am in plan B, I am not waiting around the '2 years' that is suggested. I'm not even going to wait the 3-4 months I had originally made up my mind that I would wait. I'm going to go full speed ahead with this divorce.

Thank you all again for putting up with me. I know it took time but I finally get it now. Are there any more 2x4's left for me to take? I'm getting a concussion here, but I can handle it.

You are doing just great, jah. What you are doing is preparing yourself for the worst, but still leaving a very narrow path back for your wife. And I hope you understand that the 2x4s are done out of compassion and caring. We all realize how hard it is to be objective in the midst of such an emotional situation.

Yes, I know these 2x4's are done out of compassion. My wife doesn't need 'tough love', I do.

I have not sent that divorce letter out to my wife yet (see a few pages back), because I kept getting messages from my IM and wife's friends asking to clarify my conditions. I would clarify it, and then restate that there is NO NEGOTIATION. So my IM would ask (on my wife's behalf),

"Does no male friends mean even a friend that BOTH of us know well?" My answer: Yes. No male friends means ALL MALES.

"What questions are you going to ask on the polygraph?" My answer: The questions are to find affair triggers and to bring out other affairs or possible affair. I will ask any and all questions I need to ask, you do NOT need to know beforehand.

"Do you want me to write the NO CONTACT letter and send it now?" My answer: no, I need to approve it frist.

(that was an important one. I didn't want a lovey dovey, "I'll still remember you" kind of no contact letter)

Anyways, that's why I didn't send the divorce letter yet. But I think that's okay, because I looked over the old one, and it's still too kind. So I'm drafting a new one.

Okay, here is my letter. I think it's one huge 4x4 for my wife. Please tell me if you think I'm going overboard and too hateful; I happen to think it's perfect:

[WS],
This will be my LAST message to you. I am not going to wait any longer for you to make a decision. There are so many people: friends, relatives, workmates, etc that have told me to just give up on you and divorce. I held out as long as I could, but I agree with them all now.

Let me tell you EXACTLY what is happening here:
- I am doing ALL THE WORK to save this marriage. I gave you conditions under which I would take you back. Most guys would not even do that, they would have just divorced you already.
- I have not seen ANY effort on your part to work on this marriage. Continuing to be separated only shows that you would take the risk of divorce just to be with this guy. That shows that this marriage means NOTHING to you.
- You are not 'mistakingly' meeting other guys and having sex with them. No, you are ACTIVELY looking for men to have sex. You do not care at all about hurting me, or about breaking our marriage vows. It's all about what YOU want.
- For all this time, I work hard and provide everything for YOU. And all this time, you live here, buy clothes to impress other guys, and use the money I make to buy dinners and gifts for other men! You have sex with other men while I am out on call working 40 hour shifts. You cannot deny any of this.

I find absolutely no reason to hang on to you any more. I needed to see HUGE changes from you, in attitude, behavior, and actions, before I can take you back. And I have seen NOTHING. You use and abuse me, lie to me, cheat on me, and each time you say "I love you" is it nothing more than a lie.

I have already contacted a lawyer regarding a divorce. Because there are no kids involved, the paperwork will be fast. All I need to do is document all our assets (what we both own), their worth, and then show verification.

I WILL NOT wait for you any longer. Once the paperwork is done I will sign it immediately. I WILL NOT contact you before signing it, and I DO NOT need your consent or your signature. Once the divorce is final, you will be receiving a notice from my lawyer that it is done. After that, don't bother to contact me any more.

All your stuff is packed and out of my life. I have taken all communication with you out out of my life. And now I want you out of my life.

I am moving on. May God forgive you for what you have done, because I surely will not.

Jah

I wouldn't change one word.

Bravo!

It might feel good to send that letter. You obviously need to get some stuff off your chest.

You're in plan B for your PERSONAL recovery. Plan B means no contact. If it were me, I'd have her served and just let her deal with the shock of it all, which you won't know about if you're serious about plan B.

Write letters like this and burn them to get it all off your chest. It might not feel as good to send this as you think and it feels like you're still anxious to provoke some kind of action or response from her.

Bring the focus back to you...back to you...back to YOU.

Don't send another letter! You already sent a Plan B letter saying she can't contact you unless she meets your conditions. And now you contact her? That just harms your credibility.

Just file for divorce and let her be served.

exactamundo!

Jah,

Didn't you write all this in your Plan B letter? Your conditions? Your love? You gave her the path home, correct?

She isn't an idiot, correct?

I'm confused why you're writing another one? You're in Plan B. No contact.

Go file for divorce on Monday and have her served. In the meantime, if she makes dramatic personal changes you can consider taking her back and dropping the divorce.

That letter hurts your credibility because it reads like this:

"I really, really, really mean it this time!! If you don't get on board there will be consequences. I really, really, really mean it!"

That just says you didn't mean what you said in your Plan B letter. You need to stick to your guns, stay dark and then have her served with divorce papers next week. She will believe you are serious about divorce when she is served. You shouldn't be making idle threats. Just do it...

agreed. jah, you're in that place - the "why hasn't she done what i want yet?" place. NC means NC, and that's includes from you to her! hang in there, you're doing great to air your thoughts and feelings here. but if you go back and read your thread, you flip flop all the time. this is normal. but don't ACT on it. stick with the plan. file today.

Jah, Plan B is silent because its serious. It needs make no defences of itself.

A rant, while cathartic, is not serious.

Silence is as serious as it gets.

Keep her in the dark about your anger and pain right now.

GO dark.

Being dark, hitting the grief, getting through the grief and coming out the other side is much better medicine than lashing out.

Withdrawal lasts a few weeks the worst of it. Stop trying to distract yourself and get on with your own healing.

What self care do you have planned?