Will the rollercoaster never end?

From the hundreds (thousands?) of us here who have ridden versions of the ride you are on, the answer is "Yes!"

Two things to bear in mind, my friend:

1) Your ride will be shorter the better you are able to institute a Plan B that is unassailable. In other words, if you want off the ride, don't accept another ticket!
2) Unlike traditional roller-coasters, this one will not let you off at the place you got on. Acknowledge and accept that the arc (vector?) of your life will be different, and embrace that change.

You seem in a much better place since mid-June. Work the program, use the resources here, and remember at all times:

EYES ALWAYS ON THE PRIZE!

Thank you everyone for your support. It is getting easier to deal with issues like this; and posting it here definitely holds me accountable for keeping plan B in the dark. Thank you everyone for holding me accountable!

MSS - love that quote. "Living well is the best revenge."

UW - No, I don't get hung up on this "I miss you and love you" crap. All lies. I need actions, not words.

IG - Post-nup? I'm going to read about it; it's not on my condition list actually, but I can always add it.

HDW - Thanks for the support

NG - Lots of great words of words of wisdom there! That's right, "Eyes on the prize!"

Thanks for sticking with me, everyone. I read through my entire thread from time to time, and boy, there was alot of 2x4's and arguing that went on at first. I was pretty stubborn.

Some posters have been more stubborn and received more 2x4's than you. Stick with the MB plan no matter if your departure point is personal or marital recovery. 30ish pages before plane b is better than a poster who 200 pages before went she went into plan b. I received lots of 2x4's and think i made someone run out his nitro pills.

I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone showed up here as a newbie without getting some kind of a beat down from the vets.

You think you're joining a carey sharey lets-hug-out-the-pain forum - and lo and behold, its a bootcamp!

So glad it is though. I was such a whiney, foggy little betrayed! I'm happy it was drilled out of me so I could lob some grenades at the affair.

Hello everyone,
As I go through my divorce paperwork, I casually asked my lawyer if I could actually sue this OM. He said yes. It's called Alienation of Affection, and only a few states do still recognize it: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. (Alright Hawaii!)

He said it's pretty worthless, nobody really does it anymore, and very rarely does the plaintiff get any money cause it's difficult to prove. I read up online about it, and it says that almost always it's settled out of court with arbitration. But the threat of dragging a case through public court is enough, given the humiliation for the defendant.

I know I'm in plan B, which means this would definitely INCREASE my stress since everything would be out in the open, but I thought this might make very interesting conversation! Anyone heard of it before, or seen it used? I'm not going to obsess over trying it, but I was wondering what you all thought.

That would be awesome! Dr Harley is very much an advocate of such lawsuits. I would definitely pursue it.

I'm thinking of suing for adultery because in NY State, adultery is still illegal. It's a class B misdemeanor and there is a fine and jail time. Just to be a b****

i think y'all should use whatever legal ramifications you have available to you! you are very lucky to have such opportunities. please do so, thinking of all the BSs who have no such remedy. star was going to do this...i don't think she's posted about it yet (the filing); i'll have to catch up with her thread. talk about consequences!

Let me ask you this. Should it be a threat, as in part of my exposure? Should I threaten my wife too? I'm gonna have to come out of plan B for all this.

I can have my lawyer just contact him directly, making my threat very credible. And with him being a grad student and me being a physician, I doubt he can finance a lawyer himself, and if he did, he would just be dragging his own name through the mud.

I would like it to go something like this: if you do not cut all contact with [WS] immediately, [BH] will be filing a lawsuit of Alienation of Affection, legal in seven states including Hawaii. This means a subpena may be used to force your testimony in a public court, your phone, email, and computer records may be turned over for review, and all evidence will become public record.

If I did file, I doubt he would have any money to pay me. But I don't care about that, of course, I just want to ruin his finances, ruin his name, and stop his relationship with my wife 100%. I'm drooling at the thought of all this.

But then again, I exposed him to all his friend, family, workmates, and mommy and daddy. Isn't that worse?

Have you read rainysweet's thread?

She is currently filing an A of A case and she's divorced from her WXH.
rainysweet's thread

I woul encourage you to call the radio show and ask dr Harley.
I wouldn't encourage you to sue your wife's affair partner. To what end? Satisfy your own quest for revenge?
This is her third affair in 3 years that you KNOW about. How many don't you know about?
I don't think exposing him will mean anything to her. She's a serial cheater and this guy isn't the "love of her life" in her mind. ( well maybe he is for a short while but she can and likely will move on to another man.

As for his money, you don't know what he is worth. He is a grad student? Is his grandma a millionaire? Is his uncle an attorney? The only person that would benefit from this revenge is your attorney.

You are doing a GREAT job of forcing your wife to face the natural consequences of her actions. I think filing a lawsuit against this guy would just be a ways of miny a time.

Should it be a threat, as in part of my exposure?

Oh, dear. I thought we got rid of that doubt-filled, second-guessing version of JAH, with the following acknowledgement:

Thanks for sticking with me, everyone. I read through my entire thread from time to time, and boy, there was alot of 2x4's and arguing that went on at first. I was pretty stubborn.

Bring the hammer down, my friend. Instead of worrying about what you should DO, let him worry about how to react to what you've DONE.

jah, Dr Harley is an advocate of lawsuits in the case of adultery so there is no reason write him. It is a simple cut and dry issue and he doesn't need to be bothered with something that is basic common sense. Suing the OM for A of A is a great idea because it will help him learn his lesson. Maybe he will not do this to the next married woman he runs across. It will, for sure, run him off from your wife.

And you should not threaten him, just do it. You do not need to come out of Plan B to file an alienation of affection suit.

jah,

Yes,I am outside of US,to answer your post on my thread.I wrote to Dr Harley about suing OM for adultery and he strongly recommends it.He said the threat of a lawsuit usually ends the affair. It generally teaches the person that the law is there to obey. He has counseled many couples in my situation before the law in their state was thrown out. In every case, it ended the affair and never had to go to court.

jah, jah, jah, have you learned nothing yet? you DO NOT THREATEN. you ACT. you do not come out of plan b. you have a lawyer.

threats are weak. actions are strong. whether you decide to do it (a of a, and it was rainy, not star) or not is irrelevant - this goes for everything you do! action, not threats! repeat after me: threats are weakness. actions are strength. repeat as necessary (when you're second guessing yourself. STOP THAT!)

Hmmmm . . . I think I need to restate myself here. I'm not thinking of threatening, that's weak. If I'm learning anything here, it's that words are weak.

My wife's words are weak (saying over and over, "I accept your conditions"). I want actions, not just promises.

I'm not going to write a letter to my wife, "I'm really, really going to divorce you this time." I'm just doing it; she'll have the papers right there in front of her.

So okay, same with this. I was not going to contact this guy directly to threaten him. Initially, I thought I'd have my lawyer threaten him. But okay, I'm just going straight on and I'm going to just have my lawyer contact this OM and say that I am suing him, end of story.

I knew there was another 2x4 lying around.

lol. don't have lawyer contact to say. just serve the papers, if you're going to do that.

Hehe, okay. So that's where the saying comes from, "You got served!" (meaning you got beat so bad you can't do anything about it).

Well, I finished the initial paperwork for divorce. There are so many steps; it seems like filing for marriage is 10x simpler and faster than for divorce. Probably a good thing, I guess.

So anyways, the initial paperwork has been sent, and shortly my wife will be 'served'.

Sounds good, jah. About the Alienation of Affection...I think the biggest thing (and I'm sure you'll talk to your attorney about this) is whether you can prove it regarding this particular OM. If I remember correctly, wasn't this third affair an EA? Do you have any proof of physical affair? That's what I would ask my lawyer...what do I need to have to prove A of A, and is x information sufficient? You don't want to waste your time and energy if there isn't enough proof.

Glad to see your plan b is going well, I'm sure the divorce paperwork will feel good in the end.

Thanks JV. I'll definitely ask my lawyer.

The only proof I have of physical affair is my wife's admission, unfortunately. The rest is a bunch of e-mails, phone records, and texts, all of which does not mention a PA specifically.

But from what I read, you don't have to prove that; just showing that the OM interference destroyed the marriage is enough. And really, I just want the guy 'served' the paperwork that I'm suing him; if he actually takes this to court and he or his lawyer defends himself successfully, that's fine as the whole point is dragging this out into the public for his humiliation.