Lisa, you can go and tell him when she is there. It would be ok.

The fact that you have MS makes it even more imperative that you get out of there. His abusive behavior will have a harmful impact on your emotional and physical health. Can you move in with a friend or relative until you get your own home?

Actually, we know someone personally who went over to the OW's house to tell the BH and was arrested for harrassment. I will not be stepping onto their property. Also they have 2 kids that the BH is with almost constantly.

I have a sister in town, but she has a full house.

I told WH it is customary for the WS to leave. I think he should leave. Not to mention he has 3 brothers and parents in town, but no one will speak to him, LOL.

Normally we advise the BS to make the WS leave. The main reason you received different advice was because of your DSD16.

I know how hard it is for you to get around with MS. You'll need to prioritize and not try to do everything at the same time. You need to expose first and pack later.

There had to have been more to the friend getting arrested for harassment than just dropping by to tell the BH and nothing more. Since you're concerned, though, what I would do is put together a packet of your proof in a sealed envelope. On it, write in big letters something eye-catching enough to get his attention, and generic enough not to traumatize the kids even worse if they see it first. Maybe "IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON WHAT YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN DOING". Go by when you know she's with WH, knock on the door, and leave. (If you can't walk very fast, take a fast walking friend with you to do the knocking.)

Do the same thing to the parents' house, on the same trip.

In this same time frame, send a letter to all the band members, CC'ing WH and OW.
From what you've said, chances are good that they won't actually speak up. No worries. Any family member that speaks up is just icing on the cake. The main substance comes from suddenly, everyone knowing what they're doing, and it's not their special little secret any more. And that last sentence about asking each friend and family member of both for support will have the adulterers all in a swivet.

Which is why your full exposure needs to be carried out quickly in the space of an hour or two (during the band performance was an awesome idea), and leave the band members for last.

Then turn your remaining energy to packing and finding somewhere to go. In your condition, I would even recommend staying with a friend for a night or two following exposure. And Mel's idea of staying with friends or family while you're looking for a place is a good idea. You just don't need this extra stress. You're doubtless strong enough to grit your teeth and make it through, but it's not good for you.

Expose
Pack

In that order.

Amen!

I DID IT! I SPOKE TO THE OW BH! WE ARE MEETING IN A PARKING LOT ON SATURDAY TO DISCUSS STRATEGY. I GUIDED HIM TO MB.COM AND TOLD HIM TO GET THE BOOK HNHN. HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS FISHY WHEN HE HEARD MY VOICE TREMBLING ON HIS VOICE MAIL. HE WAS NOT SHOCKED BUT IS DEVESTATED. I told him I waited for Fathers day to pass by so he could enjoy it.

Next, Im gonna facebook blast all their friends. My stupid husband told everyone hes divorced

I AM PROUD OF MYSELF

You go girl!!!!!!!

HNHN is important, but SAA will be even more help to BH. I hope he comes on here, as well.

No just don't do a trickle exposure. Do it like a bomb dropping.

Won't his friends be surprised to hear the truth? Still married!

You should be proud. Good job. You done good.

Also Lisa, in the exposure 101 thread there are all the templates for your facebook exposure letters and others.
Exposure 101

Be certain to safeguard his remarks (AKA lies) in a document.


As you should be !

You guys gave me bravery. I am crying.

I am facebook blasting tomorrow on my DAY OFF BECAUSE ITS OUR 10th ANNIVERSARY AND I REQUESTED IT A LONG TIME AGO. I will spend the day doing this. That witch has over 500 friends.

Good job brave Lisa.

We will be here. We had one poster expose to almost 700 facebook contacts. I don't know if you need to do that many though.

Read all the way through the exposure thread because at the end of thread it has an excellent idea about making a web page with the evidence. Check it out.

way to go lisa! you brave girl, you! well done! keep up the exposure. don't stop till you're done!

i wish you the very best of luck in your meeting with the BH. hopefully the two of you can kill this a!

Well, this blew up in my face. Turns out the OW BH is a **edit** and stands aside while she goes out and has affairs on him. He pretended he was hearing this for the first time, and wanted to meet me for coffee, and wanted to read through marriage builders website, and then two-facedely got on speakerphone with the OW and my husband and said I was a crazy woman who called him at work and he was 'shocked' I would do that. He didn't want me to know the details of their 'special arrangement' open marriage, so he feigned surprise. Then he threw me under the bus and told her right away that I called.

So, he evidently socializes with the guys his wife screws. Nice. My husband has blocked all of their phone numbers, the OW, OW BS, their home and work numbers from all our phones. I went onto verizon and double checked. Now I have to see about email and prepaid phones he may be hiding.

He has been talking suicide. He even took the shotgun and shells and went to a fishing spot. Actually had the barrel in his mouth, loaded. He has been talking about it alot. I call his brother every time he does this, and he got really angry. In fact, he has treated me like absoulte crap since the big reveal on D-Day of his affair. He is treating ME like I did something wrong. He even suspended my cell phone so I would not call his brother anymore. His brother called and bitched him out about that. Now he's controlling who I talk to, if I can use my phone.

Separation has crossed my mind. I am not sure how long I can take this baloney. His own brother told me to take care of myself because stress exacerbates my MS. He said to get out, get my own place since I do not feel safe all the time. My husband is very angry and depressed and is taking it out on me.

He was such a jerk Friday night, I spent the night in our old neighborhood in my car. He took all my MB books and threw them in the garage, damaging the binders. Then he went back out to collect them all and put them back on my nightstand.

Lisa, you need to get out sooner rather than later. What are the plans to get out of there? And can you go stay in a hotel or with a friend until you have a place?

Also, when your husband plays the suicide card, you should immediately call 911 and ask the police to come.

ITA!! don't let him manipulate you like that. take any suicidal-conversation as seriously as you would with anyone else. and call the police and have him put on a 5150 72 hour hold (do they still call it that there?) your state may call it something different, but if he verbalizes a threat to himself, they can take him to a psych ward and hold him for 72 hours while his mental state is assessed. this is a GOOD thing for him, not a punishment.

don't fret too much over the BH. now that you've told him, it's his deal. and perhaps he has been totally gaslighted by the WW. you did do the rest of the exposure, right? please say yes! and good on you, lisa.

Hey, finally I can be of use a little here (since I did do a year of psychiatry in residency). And we put lots of crazy people in 72 hr holds in the psych wards.

Yes, call the police. You will also want to tell them specifically that he HAS A PLAN (shooting himself), and that he HAS A MEANS (owns a gun). If your husband actually had any real attempts in the past, tell them that too, and for sure he will be held up in a psych ward for at least 72 hours.

If you just say he's suicidal, and the police arrive and then he denies it, then they won't do a thing. But if you do like I said, then they MUST take him in.

Using suicide as a way of manipulation is one of the worst gestures there is. It's gonna be too much stress for you, I think. You need to go plan B.

Oh, I forgot one more thing. Most states have a 'psychiatric hotline', or at least a 'suicide hotline'. You should call them too in addition to the police, and tell them what I said before, that he has a PLAN, a MEAN, previous attempts, etc.

The one who makes the ultimate decision to hold him in the psych ward (72 hr hold) is the psychiatrist. The police's job is just transport him to a hospital psych ED. Once there, the information may not be passed on, so by calling the 'psych hotline' there is a better chance the information will get passed on.

Also give the police your phone number; the reason being the psychiatrist on call will need to get collateral information to verify what the patient (wayward husband) says; that's where you can come in.

thanks, jah! that's excellent advice. i can't believe i didn't think to link you in. glad you found lisa.