Jah, I just bumped the "betrayed spouses...be still" thread. You should read it. I needed to read it. Zibbles is right, we can't break Plan B, it will only hurt us to do so.

Okay, I guess this is all the 'process' of plan B, where the rollercoaster will eventually slow down. I understand that plan B is for my recovery and to help me think clearer and take care of myself, and the point is not to try and 'force' my wife to come back.

Zibbles - Okay, maybe I should print this letter and burn it to get it off my chest. But do you all at least think that I'm starting to come out of my own fog with understanding the situation better?

ML - You said sending another letter would hurt my credibility. But I wasn't going to send it directly. It was still going through my IM.

BH - I did write my plan B letter, and I went back to read it and it makes me sick! I followed alot of the plan B advice for the letter under 'notable posts'. So it mentioned my continued love, about my conditions and that I still want to take her back. Stuff about how I was sorry for being neglectful, that what she did hurt me badly and so I need to heal by cutting off communication, living conditions, and finances. I think that the time I have spent in actual plan B, I have started to realize how little I care about the marriage now.

JV - Okay, I'll look through that. I have to ask this . . . What the hell is a 'bump'?

*sigh* The last time I had a breakdown like this was a few days into plan B when I was panicking about losing contact with my wife. Well, 8 days now and I have no DIRECT contact with my wife, and it's been wonderful. But there are cracks; a few friends keep giving me minor updates. I tell them I don't want the updates, I explain why, and I firmly tell them to stop doing it.

My IM has also told me: Your wife keeps asking me, "Do you think he will actually divorce me? Do you think he really means it?" That's part of the reason I wanted to send this letter, because my plan B letter was to kind and she doesn't believe it, as well as give a 2x4 to my wife which I haven't done yet. Well, maybe I also need a talk with my IM some more about this whole 'no contact' thing.

Okay, here's the deal. I won't send the letter if you all say so. I will burn that letter as a way to get 'anger off my chest'. But can someone at least tell me that the letter shows I am understanding the situation a littler better now?

And I will not drag my feet with filing the divorce paperwork. I'm just going to just do it and give it to my wife and that will be enough to show my seriousness. (not this letter saying I really, really, really mean it this time!)

Oh, and sorry about all this 'flip-floping' as Letty said. I really would do well as a politician, huh?

jah, part of your flip flopping on this letter might be due to what I said when you first posted it. Ignore what I said. I was wrong. The Plan B letter has been served and that is more than sufficient. I understand where you are coming from in wanting write and send it (as I have wanted to do in the past), but the dear ladies of MB are right. I was drawing off of past pain and experiences I suppose, and ignored the principles that I know are righteous and obviously forgot when I responded to you.

My bad.

BTW, really amazed at your turn around during this crap storm you've been dealt. Well done. You deserve so much better than this and I know you'll have it one day.

Flip flopping is totally normal!

You'll see a dramatic improvement on the rollercoaster q soon, but it takes ages.

You'll have good times, but buckle down to at least six months of self care and ups and downs.



Yeah. A taste of Plan B will do that. But its still all about her. She doesn't matter in Plan B.



Have your IMread the training thread. Its a nightmare job unless you know what you're doing. Its easy when you do.

Your wife doesn't need a 2x4. She doesn't need anything. We're talking about you now.

Hey TW, no problem! Thanks again for the support. Like I said, I am trying to understand the whole situation better and stop being an enabler and 'doormat' any more. I'm doing this for MYSELF.

One good thing is that it's SO much easier to clean the apartment now! Like I said, my wife hoarded all this junk, while I am a 'live simple' kind of guy. I kept looking at things and saying to myself, "Should I keep this or dump it? It's junk she never touched in a year, but well . . . she might still want it."

Now I just dump the junk! *laugh* Don't worry, I assure you it's all junk; the stuff she really needs is in storage. In any case, my own attitude is changing for the better.

Okay, and I really am going to kick this 'all about me' into overdrive. I've started making plans: another night of poker with my buddies this tuesday, going with friends to watch the fireworks for 4th of July on wednesday, dinner with coworkers on friday. By Sunday, I have a week off, so I'm going back to my hometown (different island) to visit my family for a week of fishing. Oh how I love fishing. That's going to be the ultimate relaxation thing for me.

Say what?? Is the letter from you or not? It doesn't matter who delivers the letter, my point is the same. When you are in Plan B, it means no contact!


Good man!! See, she doesn't believe you are serious. Sending a threat will not convey your seriousness. But being served with divorce papers WILL. She needs to be served.

Jah...sounds like great self care. And the idea of de-cluttering your place is great as well. Make it YOURS.

A bump just moves a thread from being buried down on page 15 or something up to the front page, so someone can see it.

I <3 MelodyLane. Actions, not words.

Also jah does your IM have this? IM Training School

Send it to her because my concern is your IM is not filtering as much as she should. She shouldn't be telling you all the manipulative stuff that your WW is telling her. Your IM needs to give a little more "I'm not relaying any message to jah unless it's your actions to meet his conditions which you have from his letter".

oh jah, i flipped and flopped several times a day! it's normal. just don't ACT on it. btw, a "bump" is when someone posts to a thread that hasn't been posted to in a long time, so it is "bumped" to the top of the active list.

wait, last note: your IM is supposed to be a spam filter. she should not be telling you WW said this, WW said that. she tells you NOTHING, unless WW has shown some good faith towards recovering the M. NOW GO DARK! (caps for emphasis. ok, shouting!) :O)

ok, super last note. i, too, pried info out of my IM. once. once was enough. it hurts too much and you're right back at the start of the coaster ride. so stop it! if you have to, tell her to tell you nothing, even if you BEG. then feel good about yourself - you're no beggar, right?

Jah - page 30 you ask us to consider if your wife was addicted to cocaine and ask : if you did not do certain things and she continued using can we blame her?

You worked in addiction clinics so you must be familiar with the 12 Steps. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ADICTIONS ( Step 1)

You don't even have control over your wife's affairs. You speak of loyalty to your wife but she has no loyalty to you. You are trying to mold her, To influence her.

I understand you are no longer enabling her and allowing the natural consequences of her actions to come to fruition. That is all you can do.

Plan A helped me stay sane with my circumstances.
Someone said that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
Your wife is experiencing a different result.

Thanks again for your support, Letty and HDW. Yes, I agree I have no control over my wife's 'addiction' or behavior. I can only control myself.

More plan B cracks tonight. The friend that my wife is staying with called for the 3rd time in a week to tell me that she is kicking my wife out of her dormroom. And for the 3rd time, I told her to not update me, that I do not want to know. I am going to block this friend on my phone too from now on.

Then, tonight my wife left me a message on facebook. I already have her e-mails blocked, and phone calls blocked, but I forgot about facebook. Actually, I didn't forget; I couldn't block facebook because she disabled her facebook page when I did the original exposure. She re-enabled her account today.

She basically left a message to say that she misses me and loves me and she agrees to every one of my conditions. She went on and on like this, but I DO NOT BELIEVE one bit of it. I want to see actions, not just words. I didn't reply; I just blocked her on facebook too now.

*sigh* Will the rollercoaster never end?

Did you see my post about your IM?

Hi BH,
I had seen that link before; originally I had talked to my IM about her role, with my points coming from what I remembered from the link.

Today I just e-mailed my IM the link. Probably easier for her to just read it directly. Thanks!

"Living well is the best revenge." -- George Herbert

It is amazing to me that your wife still thinks only of herself. She is no where near ready to work toward recovery, as evidenced by the fact that:

She shows NO concern for you and your well being AT ALL. Asking your IM only about whether you will really divorce her this time. In other words...do you think he will actually stand up for himself this time, or do you think I can continue to rip his heart out and get away with it? No concern for the ways you are being tortured by her actions, just concern for her ability to get away with it.

And evidenced by the fact that she is refusing to use your IM. You have given your IM the conditions, and instruction to make sure your WW is taking ACTION and not just using words to say she will meet your conditions. Since she has no intention of actually taking action, and just wants to gaslight you to manipulate you and does not want the IM to be a roadblock to that effort, she goes through FB instead.

I hope you see your WW's incredible amount of self serving disrespect toward you, and don't get hung up on this "I miss you and love you..." mumbo jumbo.

She can't even use your IM, yet she is willing to follow the rest of your much more difficult conditions for recovery? Not a chance.

Yes its always so, unfortunately.

If they bypass the very easy step of going through the IM it's ALWAYS because they believe the BS can become a pushover with the right words of manipulation.

If she loved you and missed you, you know what she'd do? Tell the IM she's on board with whatever it takes, NC letter, poly appointment and post nup in hand.

Jah, you're doing good standing up for yourself.
My wife also refused to text the IM and contacted me directly.
I accepted her "willingness to end the affair and work in our marriage" but as soon as she was back she REFUSED to follow the MB recovery plan.

The requirements that you enforce now are like a refiners fire. If she wants to end her affair and work on your marriage she must be willing to cooperate. Otherwise there is no marriage.

Keep up the good job