Wow jah, Plan B has sure turned the tide. Filing A of A?

Wild horses wouldn't have stopped me for standing up against the A and the OW. Especially in Plan B, lob the grenade at the affair / OM and then continue on behind the Plan B shield.

I think I may have stolen that from Indie??? Someone on here posted it, and it stuck with me.

Glad to hear you are sounding so much stronger and starting to think more about yourself. Know that there will be lows in Plan B, but do something nice for yourself, process it and come here for support.

Yes I have said that! It's what I would love to do myself, too. Why don't we have A of A in the UK! Grrrr.

And in Aus... lets make it a worldwide attack on affairs and OW / OM!

*Cautious optimism*

Guess what, everyone. My wife received the initial paperwork for divorce today (the one that basically requires her signature saying she got my initial divorce filing and if she agrees or not with my initial division of property). Within four hours, she not only accepted all my conditions, but she is doing something this time.

She gave my IM her gmail, yahoo, skype, facebook, university, and yahoo messanger passwords. I checked them all and they are correct.

She drafted a NO CONTACT letter that goes like this:

Hi OM,
I am sorry but I realize that I do still love my husband, I still miss him and I don�t want to divorce him. I would like to try and work on the marriage again. I have hurt BS so badly and yet he still loves me and wants to work on the marriage. So I want to try and work on the marriage again too. I would feel very guilty and regret later if I give up and not give it another try. This also means that I will have to cut contact with you for life. So please do not contact me again. What I did with you was wrong. If I really liked you and wanted to have a relationship with you, at least I should have waited until I get a divorce and have a time for myself first before I got into another relationship. Please forgive me.

Sincerely,
WW

She told my IM that she tried to make the polygraph test appointment, but they were already closed. She will do it first thing tomorrow morning.

She sent this message to my IM:

Dear IM,
I hope I can still have another chance to work on the marriage with BS again. I do still love BS and miss him and I want to give this marriage another try. I hope that BS and I can fall in love with each other again.

Here's a sample No Contact letter from the Notable Posts section. Short and sweet. No apologies.

"OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my husband and I would not want to do anything to risk his happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship."

That's all she needs to tell OM.

Yes, ask her to write the proper MB approved version. Her one is a bit too 'please understand why' instead of 'please leave me the hell alone'

However I must say, she isnt too far off. For a WW, I mean. Much of her letter seems fog-free apart from the silly 'please forgive me of course' (forgive me for acting like an honourable married woman! Ha!)

But not too bad. I've seen a lot of 'Our love will last through the ages' and 'We'll always have Paris' in wayward-version NC letters, so at least there's none of that.

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Those words are DISRESPECTFUL to you and should be taken out. Asking that sack of **** to "forgive" her and telling him she likes him is a slap in your face.

Will she be going to the same college as the OM? Because if she is, then that would be deal breaker. She can't go anywhere near him.


A serial cheater should not have facebook so I would ask her to delete that.

I would also find out what she has done with the OM since she has been back in town. Ask her to write out the details of her affair since she has been back.

I would take it very slow, jah. Talk is cheap with a WS. Give her a chance to prove her faithfulness while she stays somewhere else. I would have the IM send her something like this:

jah is considering your offer but has to ensure that he will never be subjected to your unfaithfulness again. He needs you to write out your plan to protect him from an affair in the future. He has to have proof this will never happen again and when you can demonstrate faithful behavior over a period of time, he will consider reconciliation.

In the meantime, he requests that:

1. delete facebook entirely since it is a breeding ground for affairs

2. quit your school since the OM is there

3. take out these words in your no contact letter to the OM:

"If I really liked you and wanted to have a relationship with you, at least I should have waited until I get a divorce and have a time for myself first before I got into another relationship. Please forgive me."

This is very disrespectful to jah. This letter is meant to be a good will gesture to jah and these words are offensive. The letter should be sent by both and you and jah together.

My initial thought is that I am happy that my divorce papers drove her to take action. I suppose it could still be that she ran out of money and couldn't support herself anymore, but seems that the divorce papers is what did it. As in she didn't think I would actually file.

I need to think carefully what the next plan of action is for my specific situation. I think in most affairs, as soon as recovery starts taking place, the WS comes back to live with the BS, and they start working on recovery. But for me, I'm not sure that's what I want.

I was thinking of having my wife stay with a friend outside the apartment still. I'm not giving her the apartment key. I want my wife to prove a little more that she is serious about all this, and my conditions. But I guess I am going to have to break the 'no contact' of plan B now.

Before coming back to the apartment, I was thinking of doing the polygraph first, to get more of the truth in the open. Can anyone give me advice on questions to ask? The goals as I can see are to question my wife beforehand then see if the story matches up. To see if there are other men she was thinking of or already did have an affair with. To see what other trigger or avenues she might be using to have affairs. And other stuff, like if she has a history of sexual abuse (including as a child), if she has an alcohol problem (don't think so based on my history of her, but need to be sure).

Whats the best way to send the no-contact letter? I was going to mail one, plant on at the OM's door, and e-mail him the letter. I think what my wife wrote is acceptable (minus ML suggestion).

I know my wife has this 'straight and narrow path' to prove herself, and so I want to make sure I give her that chance without being an 'enabler' and just letting her back into my life.

My conditions again:
1. End all contact with the OM for life. This involves writing a "No Contact" letter (written by and approved by me)
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency (no hiding anything) - cell phone, email, facebook, passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> � I will ask you take a polygraph test.
6. Delete all non-relative male friends from your facebook account; you also cannot be on facebook at any time unless we are together.
7. Move to XXX for a year (This is my hometown island in Hawaii). This is to get you away from the university (in Oahu) and from the OM while we work on our marriage.
8. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Of course, my conditions are not static and I have others, like STD testing, going to church to ask for forgiveness, sending messages to all her friends and family asking for forgiveness, etc. But these were the initial ones I thought most important.

Also, I plan to do the full Marriage Builders Online Program. But I don't think we should start on that immediately; my wife needs to prove herself a little bit more. Should I start her off with SAA to read?

This is why I wanted you to file for divorce. After 3 affairs, your wife believed you would never do anything to stop her. NOW she knows you will.

I would STRONGLY ADVISE THAT YOU DO NOT DROP THIS DIVORCE ACTION! She will think that her overture will cause you to drop the divorce and may be making the offer only to get you to drop it. You protect yourself and guage her sincerity by telling her that you won't drop the divorce until she actually DEMONSTRATES faithful behavior over a period of time. Tell her you must be convinced - not by words, but by actions - over a period of time.

That will ensure her sincerity.

Just delete Facebook altogether. It is too big a temptation and too big a risk to have around.

Oh yes, I completely agree. My lawyer said even if everything goes through smoothly, it would take about two months. Otherwise, up to a year or more. So there's no reason to drop the divorce.

Jah, if the OM is at her university then she shouldnt set foot there again. Ever. I like your plan very much! I agree you should keep her out. And I would not give her any money until she becomes part of the marriage. She does not deserve any marital benefits until she behaves like a married person.

I am confused by the above paragraph. She is not triggered by anything. She is out chasing men and has the means and the opportunity. Just remove the means and the opportunity and you will be fine. Make it impossible for her to carry on a secret second life. Lets just accept that she chases men and deal with it. Don't even ask her about triggers, but ask her why she is out chasing men.

And don't bring up childhood issues, it has nothing to do with the present.

I would drag it out for about 6 months if I were you. Any halfwit WW could play the game for 2 months and then go back to the status quo. If she has to play the game for 6 months, by that time she will have changed her habits and be in love with you anyway.

I would start immediately on this!

I was thinking of this, but after almost four years of schooling she is a semester away from finishing her degree. I think it's reasonable to pull her out from school, in fact pull her away from the entire island for a whole year while we work on our marriage, then come back and let her finish that one semester. This other island is where my entire family lives.

So she can just resume the affair later?

Okay, I have to get ready for work. I'll check back with more updates later. I still only have cautious optimism, but at least this is a start. I am going to order the online MB when I get back home.

I WANT TO THANK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU FOR HELPING ME GET TO THIS POINT. Hopefully all those 2x4's will prepare me as we transition to recovery.

Jah,

Or just divorce her now, let her finish her degree, then a year from now, or whatever, administer the polygraph to determine if she remained true. At that time consider remarriage.

God Bless
Gamma

The FIRST step in recovering from an affair is to never see the OP again. You are proposing breaking that rule in a year.

Listen to this link: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

Quick clarification; this OM is in a different department AND different college as where my WW is at currently. They didn't meet at school, but at a party.