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I discovered my wife's affair approx. 3 months ago. It started with her having general phone/text conversations with a friend of her past whom we both know. As the conversations continued, some became inappropriate and more consistent. According to my wife, the two made plans to meet at a local coffee shop to talk in person. After this meeting the two met two additional times while out and about. At the last meeting the two were seated in his vehicle carrying on a conversation in a store parking lot. My wife claims that after speaking he requested a "hug" from her. After the "hug" my wife say's they kissed each other briefly and my wife then stopped him from going any further as he placed his hand on her leg. She says the two agreed that "this" (the affair) was not at all what they intended when they began talking. He allegedly called and apologized to her for making the advance. I discovered the affair after checking my wife's cell phone record's and discovering a suspicious unknown phone number called and text-ed excessively. I ended up calling the number and hearing a "male" voice message. When confronting my wife she admitted to speaking with him and hiding it because she knew I would get mad. I knew she was friends with this guy from the past and actually wouldn't of had an issue if she spoke with him once or twice with my knowledge. She said it was not what it appeared and they spoke a lot about me and our married life together. He is also married. After about (1) week I continued to question my wife about the phone conversations, basically insisting that there had to be more to it? She finally admitted that they had met a few times and that they did kiss on the one occasion. My wife and I have been married for approx. (15) years. Our marriage has been relatively healthy and happy with no major issues until now. Her reasons behind this were emotional needs, she said it just felt good to have someone to talk to....I know when the affair happened my wife and I had limited time to talk and she often said how I didn't listen to her and how her day went. I admit that wrong, but do defend myself by saying we are busy parents that work long hours. Since the affair my wife has willingly ended all ties with the other male. She has made it a point to always leave her cell phone accessible as well as any other social accounts. She has willingly attended counselling sessions to find out why this occurred and how to deal with it together. I find myself trying to get past this and work to build our marriage again. I always feel that there is still more to the affair than she told me. It sometimes just doesn't make sense. Did they have sex? Dis more happen that day in the parking lot? Did they meet more often? My wife says NO, and it is just so hard to believe her when she betrayed me like this. Any advise or insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
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I discovered my wife's affair approx. 3 months ago. It started with her having general phone/text conversations with a friend of her past whom we both know. As the conversations continued, some became inappropriate and more consistent. According to my wife, the two made plans to meet at a local coffee shop to talk in person. After this meeting the two met two additional times while out and about. At the last meeting the two were seated in his vehicle carrying on a conversation in a store parking lot. My wife claims that after speaking he requested a "hug" from her. After the "hug" my wife say's they kissed each other briefly and my wife then stopped him from going any further as he placed his hand on her leg. She says the two agreed that "this" (the affair) was not at all what they intended when they began talking. He allegedly called and apologized to her for making the advance. I discovered the affair after checking my wife's cell phone record's and discovering a suspicious unknown phone number called and text-ed excessively. I ended up calling the number and hearing a "male" voice message. When confronting my wife she admitted to speaking with him and hiding it because she knew I would get mad. I knew she was friends with this guy from the past and actually wouldn't of had an issue if she spoke with him once or twice with my knowledge. She said it was not what it appeared and they spoke a lot about me and our married life together. He is also married. After about (1) week I continued to question my wife about the phone conversations, basically insisting that there had to be more to it? She finally admitted that they had met a few times and that they did kiss on the one occasion. My wife and I have been married for approx. (15) years. Our marriage has been relatively healthy and happy with no major issues until now. Her reasons behind this were emotional needs, she said it just felt good to have someone to talk to....I know when the affair happened my wife and I had limited time to talk and she often said how I didn't listen to her and how her day went. I admit that wrong, but do defend myself by saying we are busy parents that work long hours. Since the affair my wife has willingly ended all ties with the other male. She has made it a point to always leave her cell phone accessible as well as any other social accounts. She has willingly attended counselling sessions to find out why this occurred and how to deal with it together. I find myself trying to get past this and work to build our marriage again. I always feel that there is still more to the affair than she told me. It sometimes just doesn't make sense. Did they have sex? Dis more happen that day in the parking lot? Did they meet more often? My wife says NO, and it is just so hard to believe her when she betrayed me like this. Any advise or insight would be appreciated. Thanks. Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here. Also her affair is 100% her fault and you are not to blame. You may be 50% responsible for the demise of your marriage but the affair is 100% on her. Please read this Thread for Newly Betrayed SpousesSorry to tell you this but her affair has most likely been a full blown PA. Whom has been told about your WW's affair? You need to tell the BW of this OM. She has a right to know what her husband is doing behind her back. She needs to cut off all contact and write the OM a NC letter. There are examples in the exposure thread that is linked in the betrayed spouse thread I linked to you. Here's another good read for you. be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed into the waves
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.
Did they have sex? Probably. Waywards lie about their affairs. I would assume that they did. I would assume she is still sleeping with him.
Does she disagree? Then ask her to take a polygraph test.
She broke your marriage covenant. It is her responsibility to meet your demands to remain married.
You mention counseling. She is going to figure out why this happened? Her affair happened/ is happening because she has poor boundaries around the opposite sex and unmet emotional needs. Example: Dont be in a car with afriend of the opposit sex bitching about your marriage.
Please read the book.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
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You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.
Did they have sex? Probably. Waywards lie about their affairs. I would assume that they did. I would assume she is still sleeping with him.
Does she disagree? Then ask her to take a polygraph test.
She broke your marriage covenant. It is her responsibility to meet your demands to remain married.
You mention counseling. She is going to figure out why this happened? Her affair happened/ is happening because she has poor boundaries around the opposite sex and unmet emotional needs. Example: Dont be in a car with afriend of the opposit sex bitching about your marriage.
Please read the book.
I'm sorry you are going through this. In addition to this while you're waiting for the book Surviving an Affair to arrive please read all the links in here. How To Survive Infidelity
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Hi KGaa
Im pleased to see you use words like 'claim' when referring to your wife's words instead of believing her outright. That shows good sense.
I do hope your counseller isnt advising you to 'let it go' and 'trust'.
Actually counselling is overall a bad idea. All talk from someone you can't believe. An action-based plan like MB is better. Would you use the counselling centre? You can do it out of the book too.
Oh and it wasnt needs that caused her to stray - it was poor boundaries. If you were in a coma doing nothing for her, she shouldnt allow needs to be met elsewhere.
She can earn your trust back with proof and verifiable actions.
Has the affair been exposed to everyone?
Do you understand what exposure is? (Dont mention it to your wife yet)
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I thank everyone for the replies. I agree and understand more now that this involved me to a certain extent and her not setting her boundry lines with others. I dont want to kust flat out accuse her of having a "full blown" physical affair and also want to credit her if she stopped the PA from progressing any further if that is in fact the truth. I was able to check her txt messages and read the content. Alot of what she says is true and verified through these. Alot of short messages and a few long phone conversations. I did confront the OM who would not meet with me in person but did talk over the phone. Is story was consistant with my wifes and was adimant that the kiss di happen but thatss where it ended.. he agreed not to ever speak with her again. He said he wanted to meet in person so we could clear the air of this. He also said the original intention was to talk as old friends ad even discussed us all going out as couples sometime...alot of this doeant seem like a typical affair just something that got outof hand. I can say that I do think he has always been attracted to my wife but dont beleive he is my wifes type.. down deep i want to have proof of the extent of the PA but have dug very deep...phone records, bank receipts, confronting OM and my wife sticks to her story of...it was a kiss, i stopped it and that was it...she seeked consuling because she told me that she did not want to loose our marriage and work on things that she needs to help heal this...she also told me that the sex was great between her and i because she was having these lacking emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere...she admits her wrongdoing but says she will not admit aomething she did not do...
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KG-
First, please write with paragraphs as its easier for us to read.
Next, there is a clear, proven set of steps to be followed after discovery of a spouses infidelity whether it went physical or not.
You have been linked to them above. You also have done one or 2 of the steps already.
Last, before you blow money on counseling for her or you, follow the steps laid out here as they are written by the owner of this site after 1000s of hours of counseling couples going thru what you are.
I could relay my counseling story but in brief it was a waste of my time in hindsight.
Most importantly is follow each step completely as failure to do so opens up the possibility of false recovery.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Have you spoken to the OM's wife and told her about the affair? I hope that you have, because as long as she doesn't know, your wife is free to pursue the OM again.
Most marriages do not recover from affairs unless a very specific path is followed. Betrayed spouses who don't follow this path typically end up bitter and resentful for years after that affair. Your marriage doesn't have to be like that if you will use this program.
MB is completely different from any other program in that employs an action plan to restore the romantic love in your marriage while taking steps to affair proof it. If you follow this plan, she won't be able to have another affair and your marriage will be better than it was before.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here is an outline of how this works: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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KGaa12,
He also said the original intention was to talk as old friends ad even discussed us all going out as couples sometime...
This can never happen you can NEVER be friends with this person or his wife again, emotional affairs are real affairs, although kissing is real sex and the sex they had is very likely more than that.
Polygraph your WW now, you don't want to live with these doubts for years and years.
And for goodness sakes please speak with the other mans wife, OMW, she may be able to provide you with additional information.
God Bless
Gamma
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We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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she also told me that the sex was great between her and i because she was having these lacking emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere That is not possible. A woman needs 2 things to desire sex with a man: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. If the OM was meeting her needs, then she would be attached to HIM, not you. She would be DETACHED from you. Women are attached to one person at a time, unlike men who can be in love with 2 women. Would she be willing to take a polygraph to substantiate her story?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OK, it's clear the waywards have been very busy in gaslighting you and getting their story straight. Is story was consistant with my wifes and was adimant that the kiss di happen but thatss where it ended... Very common for waywards' stories to match. Most meetings between waywards contrive around 'what to say' if caught or if one foolishly confesses to 'part' of it, they usually tell the AP what to corroborate. He also said the original intention was to talk as old friends ad even discussed us all going out as couples sometime...alot of this doeant seem like a typical affair just something that got outof hand. .. It is HIGHLY typical for affairs to start as friendships/flirtations and for it to 'get out of hand' as lovebanks are filled up. That's 99 per cent of affairs. It's highly unusual for married people to wake up one day and go scouring the streets for a extra marital sexual partner. People sleepwalk into it. They lost control of themselves - but now they are magically in control? Yeah right. They each filled each others lovebank to the point of romantic/physical love, because they (at the very least) kissed. Now, they will always have a lovebank for each other. An attraction. They will remember that 'spark' forever. If YOU had done something as shameful as having kissed another man's wife - would you be suggesting hangouts with the BH? and the WW? Of course not. But his aim is twofold: 1) to convince you 'it's nothing' by bluffing through it with bravado and 2) being able to continue to see his addiction source - your wife. Even seeing each other across a crowded room, gives off sparks and they experience a feeling of being wanted and desired. That's why complete No Contact forever is essential. And a No Contact letter to show she is serious. Your wife will also interpret the 'couple's hangouts' as OM showing love and you showing you couldnt care less. He kissed your wife, for heavens sake. And not as a sister. Tell him to stay the hell away from both of you or his world won't be worth living in.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 11,650
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she also told me that the sex was great between her and i because she was having these lacking emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere That's clearly nonsense! It's common for waywards to say this. I've heard it described as 'a passionate friendship that enriches the marriage'  It's idiotic. Just a way of justifying doing something so horrendous and dealing with the guilt.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/02/12 08:41 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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The guilt changes the person's personality. From normal to wayward. They have to lie a lot in order to sneak around so they change their (previously good) moral code. Form 'lying to my spouse is bad' the rule gets changed to 'my friendship enriches the marriage' and 'I dont want to hurt my spouse - so I will lie' Check this out. Never Take the Word of a Wayward
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/02/12 08:46 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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KGaa12,
confronting OM and my wife sticks to her story of...it was a kiss, i stopped it and that was i
My sense here is that OM and your WW got their story straight in the case it was ever discovered. OM has cheated on his BW many times before and has a "system" for keeping things secret. You will be doing his Wife an enormous favor by speaking with her.
That he would even suggest that you can be couple friends again shows an incredible amount of arrogance, and an incredible amount of cruelty if his BW knows nothing. Can you imagine sitting at a restaurant as a party of 4 with his W completely unaware of what happened.
God Bless
Gamma
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That he would even suggest that you can be couple friends again shows an incredible amount of arrogance, and an incredible amount of cruelty if his BW knows nothing. Can you imagine sitting at a restaurant as a party of 4 with his W completely unaware of what happened. Very cocky indeed. Yeah I think he's an experienced cheat, too. Probably been an excellent drug dealer topping up needs in the way this WW likes. She still sounds as high as a kite too, on the attentions of this man. Neither are to be trusted. There is an EXCELLENT chance you can bust this wide open with exposure. If former affairs are revealed, he will be tarnished in your WWs eyes. Have you read the exposure thread?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hi KG,
Are you going to contact the BW or not? I sense that you don't want to expose the affair. If you are afraid to contact BW your WW will be able to lie to you about this OM and other things in your marriage going forward because she will see that you believe whatever she tells you. Even more damage occurs when a BS is afraid to act.
A WS will downplay what happened with the AP. Why would you believe two liars? That doesn't make any sense. Contact the BW and do not inform your WW or OM. Do not show your hand to either of them...that would be foolish.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I copied this from another thread by NG. This gives you good instructions in hat to do that is part of the MB program:
1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.
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