Can someone post the link to plan A...thanks...

KGaa12,

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

This is a thread on how to plan B correctly, if you know how to use the search function that might help to find a similar thread on plan A. Not sure I've ever seen one I've just picked it up through osmosis.

Is OMW your sister or something and you don't want to expose to her?

God Bless
Gamma

Link to Carrot and Stick of Plan A.

Carrot involves needs meeting, looking good etc.

Stick involves not being needy, not being a doormat, exposing unapologetically and fighting for the marriage.

Stand up to the A as an enemy to be slain!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725

How should i act around her in the meantime between now and the poly?

For a newbie who outwardly seems to be all over the map, you have an remarkable ability to pick out the key items to focus on.

Dude, you are going to have to master the difficult art of the Jeckyll/Hyde BH. The better you can pull off this duality, the swifter and more certain your recovery will be.

Dr Jeckyll: As long as she is following your MB instructions and requirements, you must be the loving, supportive and attentive husband of her Plan A dreams. Sooth her fears with phrases like, "couples do recover from problems like ours, if they invest the effort", and "the poly will go a long way in terms of assuring both of us of our bright future together."

Mr. Hyde: When (if) she balks, protests, or deviates from the process, you bring out the whip, the rack, the tazer, and the thumbscrews. "There can be no hope of recovery as long as you're not fully committed", and "I had hopes you realized how important these things were to me (in recovering from your abject and heartless betrayal of your wedding vows.)" (Use that last part only in extremis!)

There are BHs here who could never get these roles right. Many of them ended up in Plan D, although their cases might have been headed there anyway. The success here nailed the split-personality requirement very well. Make it your goal to join us.

Also here's a great read.

Betrayed Spouses....just be still

Imagine the date today, July 4th, imdependance day..yesterday as u know my wife was confronted with the poly proposition. I actually had a better evening last night knowing I was going to get the truth in short order. What a relief. I slept good last night knowing that i would someday put this a peace. The strangest thing occured this moring when i awoke. I just said i know she had sex with him and i think she is actually is going to admit it. She retunred home from work...i laid it all out..said i know there is more..and whamo...I had sex with him...it was not just a kiss when we met..thats how it started and it progressed to full blown sex rght there...she said she wanted to tell me but didnt for all the reasons this board mentioned. She provided pretty detailed info when asked...took back details that she lied about in the past..the details were so hurtful that i cant help to think that this wasnt the full truth. She admitted that they agreed to not disclose it and so on...she understand her fault and says she will so whatever i need to heal and make our marriage survive. I am hurt but very releived at the same time. I told her i just need some distance to colle t my thoughts but told her this was the first stwp to recovery...

Good for you KG. You are doing AWESOME.
You trusted YOUR instincts.
This SUCKS to know but you kept your cool.

Keep keeping your cool. And DON'T back off on the poly.

I brought up the poly again..she said she would take it..no real problem that I saw..i did tell her some of the questions i was going to have be asked. One was if she ever discussed leaving her husband foe this OM? She really didnt get defensive but she said i will take it but i thought breaking down and telling what i've been withholding was enough? To her credit i have read previous posts where a wife revealed all the terrible details and no poly was involved. She told me after consuling that she recontacted him because she finally wanted to put an end to this and tell him that. Id hate to beleive it, but i feel i've exposed the afraid...looking at the phone records..calls, dates on calander ect...it has all come together and now makes sense....i have checked her work schedule compared dates, if she was there...not to many stones unturned...i want to begin to recover and she says the same...i see the potential benefits of the poly but what more could it be? More sex? Longer affair? I pretty much have the concrete evidence and she confirmed my worse suspicion....i am goin to expose to the OMW...i told my wife it was wrong that she didnt know this..she agreed to call him and tell that she revealed the entire affair...am i still on track here and can we set up r recovery plan?

...she agreed to call him and tell that she revealed the entire affair...

NO EFF'ING WAY!!!!!

She is NEVER to speak to him again, as of yesterday!

Have her give you his BW's contact info, and call her today. Unless OM is the stupidest being on the planet, he should then understand your WW's new feelings about the entire sordid mess. Not that that really matters, because your WW will soon write out a No-Contact Letter, to your (our) satisfaction, for you to mail to him.

Stay Jeckyll, but reveal Hyde, my friend.

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Absolutely NOT!!!! She should not warn that rat about anything and she should never speak to him again! You need to call his wife TODAY and tell her before your wife warns her adultery partner. Call TODAY without forewarning your wfe.

No contact means no contact. She should NEVER EVER be in contact with him again and she should most certainly not be allowed to give her partner in crime a heads up.

A small issue i have is that i know the name of the other BS, but in these days of cell phones i beleive the om has his own phone and he has his. I do know the address but am reluctant to just show up with this news. Bad situatiin...i may see him....the other bs is on facebook but i myself do not have an account..my wife does. Any suggestions? I thought of seeimg if she would leave the house and i could intrduce myself and expoae things either there or some pu lic place.

Don't tell her about this forum.
And don't trust her.
Remember she is like a drug addict. You judge actions not words.
I would continue with the polygraph.
Ask her to write a No Contact letter ( samples are available and should be copied) and mail it return receipt
Then after she does that schedule an appt with marriage Builders coaching center

The other part of this is that i am so involved with "sterring" the bus to expose this in the right way ect...i am at the same time deaply hurt by the actions of my wife...can i ever look at her the same? Can i get the image of the Pa out of my head ever? Should i ask more details about the PA? What were u wearing...how was ur hair ect? It seems that that just makes it hurt worse but i can i ever be intimant with my wife again....deep pain!

Look up the OMs home number and call his wife. Disguise your number using *67 so the OM doesn't see you calling. If you can't find the home number, start up a Facebook page, send her a message and ask her to call you.

Don't tell your wife you are going to do this.

The other part of this is that i am so involved with "sterring" the bus to expose this in the right way ect...i am at the same time deaply hurt by the actions of my wife...can i ever look at her the same? Can i get the image of the Pa out of my head ever? Should i ask more details about the PA? What were u wearing...how was ur hair ect? It seems that that just makes it hurt worse but i can i ever be intimant with my wife again....deep pain!

The other part of this is that i am so involved with "sterring" the bus to expose this in the right way ect...i am at the same time deaply hurt by the actions of my wife...can i ever look at her the same? Can i get the image of the Pa out of my head ever? Should i ask more details about the PA? What were u wearing...how was ur hair ect? It seems that that just makes it hurt worse but i can i ever be intimant with my wife again....deep pain!

...but i can i ever be intimant with my wife again...

Whether YOU can is outside of our purview, my friend. Whether it is possible we can answer with a resounding "yes"! It is also possible that your answer may be "no".

Regardless of what the ultimate form of your recovery is to be, the steps RIGHT NOW do not differ.

Establish NC between the APs.
Get the full story.
Contact the other BS.
Deliver the NC Letter.
Lay out your requirements for attempting reconciliation.

Sadly, I must remind you of the now necessary need to have her, and probably yourself, undergo a full STD screen. This cannot be waived. She must be the one to suffer the humiliation of making the appointments, and answering the questions.

...deep pain!

Yes, it is. And as stern and judgmental as it may seem, the more of the pain you put on her (and she accepts), the better chance you will have of reuniting with her.

Kgaa. Yeah the pain is bad. It sucks. But right now you have work to do. You don't have time to dwell on what ifs and you aren't capable of making permanent decisions right now anyway. And if you don't get moving with the work, you won't have any options or a chance to make those decisions when you are ready.

We are asking you to do a lot while in pain. We know. We are telling you run across a field with a broken leg. However if you don't, you'll get shot down and you won't have any choices when that happens.

Ignore the pain. Ignore the future dilemmas. Find your inner soldier and just do the job. We have your back.

TELL OMW IMMEDIATELY. Before the APs do.

"Honey, my friend WW has this crazy husband. He's such a psycho he thinks we're having an affair! Isn't that a riot?!"

STOP TELLING YOUR WIFE YOUR GAME PLAN!

She cannot be trusted! But if you are tough enough, she may be trustworthy someday.

Its good that you're starting to listen to yourself.

That means her gaslighting is losing its power over you.

Good job.