Oh and call the local welfare department and see if you qualify for any benefits such as food stamps etc.
You don't want to be worrying about basic necessities durin this time

I think you have had the critical "Aha!" moment, my friend.

That's the one where the search for the solver of your daunting problems stops being that for the great elusive "someone" and becomes the realization that it must be....you. Maybe a stronger, more resolute, and more focused "you" than has ever yet been, but "you" nonetheless.

We're here to help you avoid some of the well-known potholes and hazards, but always remember that you must be the driver.

Look what I received without me prompting him to do so:

Dear POSOW,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly Lisa and OW BH, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband that she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to Lisa, and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

Lisa has all the details of our relationship now and she will also be told of any attempts at contact in order to regain her trust.

(I will let you be the judge regarding sharing this email with OW BH. I think it would be the right thing for you to do since my apology also goes out to him.)

-WH

H eemailed her, my work and my personal acct

Now the question you need to answer:
Do you want to work towards recovering your marriage?
Or divorce him?
The choice is yours

I don't get it...

The entire purpose of plan A and plan B is getting the wayward spouse to

1) End all contact with the affair partner for life, and

2) Agree to commit to the marriage and a plan for recovery.

Seems to me that her WH is ready to do just that and has now even mailed an APPROPRIATE no contact letter. And she is still advised to go ahead with plan B???

I don't get the advice.

This is a good first step and is a demonstrable action that he is serious about committing.

That was a pretty good MB letter. Does he read here?

We got all the books, man! Lok

Schtoop, he left yesterday & I commanded him to stop communicating with me, unlezs it was about DSD. I said I was emotionally detaching for my own safety. Got him thinkin......and he read HNHN, too. He knew what the letter was supposed to say.

Lisa this is a good MB letter, but it should have been handwritten and given to you, for you to send.

He would need to change his contact details first also, so OW is met with radio silence.

I am fairly unconvinced as to its sincerity, too.

It would be easy for the APs to cook this up between them, and simply take the A underground. NC letters have been used to do that in the past.

But it could be genuine. Will he agree to the other MB conditions?

I would set your bar high here Lisa and see if he meets it.

Have you made a decision?

I love him deeply and I strongly desire to recover my marriage. He is exhibiting signs of depression & anger still. We will be following the plan. When I am ready to ask questions, he said he will be fully honest. I have to make a list.

I encourage you to use the marraige builders coaching service so you have an experienced professional steering your marriage recovery

me too.

So, my husband and I have been spending UA together since we agreed to reconcile Tuesday. He was exhibiting angry outbursts that were scaring me, but I read the books, so I knew what to expect.

The last few nights he revealed that he is in withdrawal and is having trouble with his lingering feelings for the OW and his broken heart. The fog may be lifting because he is increasingly aware of how much he hurt me and our family. This is hard for me to hear, but I was grateful for his honesty. He was crying and said his anger is covering up his sadness and depression. His angry episodes are very few after that.

He said he has no one to talk about this with. His family won't really speak to him. I told him what my counselor said: Get into IC to gain some clarity and then we can move forward with MC.

I also told him to post here. I told him about my ongoing thread and said to stay outta my thread. I told him to begin his own thread, and people who have 'been there' as a WS can guide him and validate everything he is going through so he doesn't feel so alone.

I have been trying to exhibit more affection and admiration and meet his SF needs-and he says it's not genuine sounding. This hurt my feelings as I am trying my very best. The books even said it might feel weird to try to meet EN at first until it becomes more natural and easy. Part of me thinks he is saying this to make himself feel better.

I think the scale is still tipped where I am trying harder at this than he is, as the book FILSIL mentioned. The person who begins efforts at recovery is the person whose needs go unmet the most. I need to remember this. We both spent years waiting for the other person to initiate, and then we drifted further and further apart.

Lisa, I think that is great news!! One thing I would caution you against would be distractions such as counseling. Your marriage needs help NOW and can't be put off for wild goose chases. You need to move forward NOW in recovering your marriage.

The steps for recovery are outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. There are lessons in the book and you can get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, that has all the worksheets and exercises in it.

Counseling will be a distraction at a time when your marriage is on life support. You can't afford that!

Here is what it will take to recover your marriage:

Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Women are only supposed to Plan A for three weeks (try hard to win the wayward round) where infidelity is concerned. He should be fully on board within that time. That's all it should take. Any longer and he's just playing with you.

If you try and be a hero and drag your marriage up the mountain alone you'll make things much worse.

He needs to be held accountable.

Counselling for a wayward is.a terrible idea! He feels bad because he does awful things and hurts his wife. He will feel better when and if he chooses to be a better man.

Which MB conditions has he agreed to? What has he done to earn a shot at recovery?

Are you Plan Aing him still until he agrees to the conditions?

OH, ML! I forgot to mention....I read that book and then I read "Fall In Love, Stay In Love". I am RE-READING SAA starting tonight and I have the LB Book and 5 steps workbook.

We BOTH filled out our EN questionaire and will share those later.

I will be working on POJA for the online coaching here. My WH NEEDS some IC and he said he wanted to revisit MC, so I didn't want to discourage that.......did I tell you my MC became my IC and she TOLD ME ABOUT THIS SITE? LOL, she guided me here. So, she agrees with the philosophy of it.

Sorry, I meant to say the scale is tipped because I am further along in my desire for recovery, not that I am trying harder. He is still in withdrawal from the A.

He is severely depressed for years now. It runs in his family and really affected our marriage all these years.

He said he would adhere to all conditions. I have the passwords to his email account, the verizon phone usage, and still need to get FB password. He agreed to a GPS installed on his car. He also understands the importance of EP's. I told him his making friends with women was unacceptable from now on. He cleaned up his FB friends and agreed I was right.

Lisa, what does he need IC for? You do understand that your marriage needs to be fixed NOW, right?

I cannot tell you the times that waywards have used "counseling" as an excuse to avoid making necessary changes in their marriage. They claim they have to "fix themselves" before they can work on the marriage. It is an avoidance tactic that will ruin your chances of recovery.

IC can be very destructive in that it focuses on the individual at the expense of the marriage. Your marriage is on life support and can't afford that.