Then why do you feel the need to move away from the University for a year?

Is this a different college inside the same University?

Different department, different college, different campus. Same University. Actually, all the public colleges in Hawaii (there are six) fall under the same university.

Jah,

But really it's the lifestyle encouraged by being at college that is another issue. It might be OK for a 20 year old, but not a 28 year old who is hot and has the mind of a 20 year old.

God Bless
Gamma

Exactly.

I think Dr Harley says in one of his letters in the Q&A columns that college is one of the best opportunities you will have to meet potential dates, etc.

jah, you need to change your entire outlook on lifestyle. Your serial cheating WW is the type of person who probably can't even take her car to get an oil change by herself anymore...nevermind be in a college setting.

It would be a good sign of her seriousness if she were to agree to give it up.

Other options, like home study, can be explored later.

For now lets see if she's willing to do 'whatever it takes'

My conditions again:
1. End all contact with the OM for life. This involves writing a "No Contact" letter (written by and approved by me)
2. No more nights apart or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency (no hiding anything) - cell phone, email, facebook, passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> � I will ask you take a polygraph test.
6. Delete all non-relative male friends from your facebook account; you also cannot be on facebook at any time unless we are together.
7. Move to XXX for a year (This is my hometown island in Hawaii). This is to get you away from the university (in Oahu) and from the OM while we work on our marriage.
8. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Uhh, you forgot:
9. Drawing up and filing a complete, ironclad (to jah's lawyer's view) post-nup agreement stating WW's next affair will result in her leaving forever with nothing but a suitcase. (Her willingness/reluctance to agree to this one will indicate if she loves YOU or your bank account!)

Yes, that's true. But there has to be a balance here. I could lock my wife up in the house every day and that would be a condition to keep her from cheating, but that's not reasonable. Like I said, OM at different college, different campus. Maybe when the time comes I'll sit with my WW in each of her classes if I have to.

But like other's have said, lets see how the first few days and then months of recover goes, let alone a whole year away from college, before making any decisions on her return. We are talking about MAYBE returning to college a whole year from now.


Oh yes, that will certainly be a condition. I already had it in my mind to discuss this with my lawyer (or do I talk to my accountant?) In any case, I have made up my mind that when I bring that topic up, if my WW wavers even a bit, then it's straight to plan divorce and out of recovery for good.

So as I said, my wife gave me all passwords, drew up the no contact letter, and made the polygraph appointment.

I told my IM I need one more thing before coming out of plan B; I want my wife to come up with her own plan/conditions (to be added to mine) regarding working on our marriage. I don't want this whole exercise to be a passive activity; I want my wife to have an active role in coming up with her own ideas on how to stop her affair, prevent future ones, and make our marriage stronger.

I want to see how serious she is. Once I get her plan, we'll start meeting again to work on the marriage.

Language such as "need to find a balance" or "gotta have SOME level of trust" is red flag language for a BS to be using, especially when the WS is a multi time offender such as your WW. Nobody said anything about locking your wife up but again the fact that you would describe EPs that way is concerning...

If you want to cut corners, that's your business but I am here to tell you what Dr Harley's plan is for recovering a marriage with a serial cheater, super duper EPs + creating a lifestyle where cheating would be impossible for your W by eliminating opportunity.

What do you mean "Maybe when the time comes I'll sit with my WW in each of her classes if I have to"? Do you think she might be cured of her serial cheating in the next year? And that you will somehow be able to tell at that time whether she still needs to follow EPs and live a lifestyle that makes cheating difficult if not impossible?

SQ - Okay, point taken. I'll just make the decision now then: the only way my wife can go back to finish her one semester is if I sit with her through each of her classes. I'm going to try and eliminate 'maybe' and 'if' from my vocabulary.

I just got a call this afternoon confirming that my wife made the polygraph testing. The tester called to introduce himself, and tell me how it works. I thought I would be present, but he said I will not. He wanted me to give him a thorough summary of the situation, what parts I know to be true, and which are suspicions, and what specific questions to ask. He said he did polygraph testing for infidelity before. He is a retired but trained FBI agent. Does that all sound about right?

This afternoon I am going to meet up with my wife and just talk; find out about what happened in the past week, lay down the plan, get details on the affair. I feel very calm right now, but the wall of plan B is about to come down. I need to be assertive and rational; I know I can do it.

Oh, quick question. As I get the information and questions to my polygraph tester, does anyone have a link to what kinds of questions to ask? I know it's to find out about more affairs, to get the facts about the current affair, etc. I realize he can ask "Did you have an affair with so-and-so", but is it also a fair question to say, "Did you ever think of having an affair with so-and-so". With the idea that if she says yes, then we cut contact with this person forever.

I would be very appreciative if anyone can point me to some resources on polygraph testing.

You're probably a little giddy right now, Jah because it 'appears' you've won this round.

The thing is, we've seen people who thought they'd recovered, come back 3/5/10 years later, betrayed yet again. This seems to happen most often with the serial cheaters.

So before you go getting all happy and hopeful, you need to prepare to watch your own boundaries around your WW who no doubt, is incredibly charming and knows exactly what to say to get what she wants.

It's still possible that you might decide you don't want to reconcile. The reason people here were so immediate in saying if it were them, they would just get a divorce is because we know how hard it is to recover and that a serial cheater (3 years into the marriage, 3 affairs?) is going to be super hard.

So just make sure you're keeping that bar high. She has A LOT of work to do and this is just the very beginning.

Jah, Susie Q is very experienced in the matter of serial cheats and her warning must be considered soberly.

A one-time cheat is addicted to the PERSON and must avoid any and all contact with that PERSON and any triggers.

A serial cheat is addicted to the lifestyle, having the opportunity to meet men, flirting and cheap attention.

She could get that hit of her addiction at a gas station or store and she would fall off the wagon if she did that. That means an FR for you, which is more painful than the main affair.

I personally would recover with a one-time cheat but not a serial cheat, simply because of the work involved in keeping them in line.

Some people make it work though.

You have to decide if that's the kind of marriage you want.

It might be worth calling Dr H on his show or listening to his shows on serial cheats.

Jah,

You will have to speak with the polgraph operator, but in thinking what questions I would want asked of my W.

(1) Did you have any physical sexual contact with anyone, while you were dating or married to G?

"would cover all forms of sexual contact oral/vaginal/anal/mutual masterbation/lesbian/"

2) Did you reach orgasm without G,

"would cover phone sex, use of toys, masterbation"

3) Did you have emotional affairs or fantasies about someone other than G while you were married/dating?

4) Are you attracted to G?

God Bless
Gamma

wow, jah, what a turn of events. please, please be very careful at this entry point to recovery. as indie said, retraining a serial cheat is mammoth work. you need to set the bar extraordinarily high and keep it there. have you made an appt w/the harleys?

you thought plan b was hard? recovery is super-hard, because it needs to be *sustained,* and both people need to do the work. marathon, right?

be very careful you don't chuck all your plan-b-for-me self-care and race back into WWs arms. do keep the divorce ongoing at this point. make sure she meets your EPs.

should your recovery begin, i'm going to bow out, because i have no experience with a WW, and they are so different from a WH. i will check in on you though and see how you're going.

cheers.

Thanks everyone for your continued support. The general recurring thought that keeps coming back is that I need to be careful, keep my boundaries high, and make sure my EP's are met.

It's interesting that as I'm transitioning from 'plan A & B' to recovery, so is the transition of those that are posting. I'm sure it's because some are more experienced with recovery, others more experienced with exposure and plan B. In any case, thank you for following along with me, I do look forward to continued advice. Every time I re-read my thread, I see how hard-headed I was, and still am, and I know that more 2x4's will be coming.

I'm also noticing new acronyms. What is FR? "That means an FR for you, which is more painful than the main affair.". What is 'G'? Sorry, but it's not on that acronym page.

I do realize that recovery is going to be even harder than exposure, harder than plan B. I was just starting to get comfortable on day 10 of plan B, and now I get hit with the recovery phase. I remember NG saying that this rollercoaster is different from other rollercoasters because I will end up in a different place. That's what I realize; there's going to have to be huge radical changes in my wife, and also changes in me in not being an enabler or doormat any more.

FR = false recovery. they suck.

G = Gamma's first inital.

Here it is.

From here Choosing the Right One to Marry

Not sure if this has been linked? I think it is a great read and education on what to avoid, and what to look for... from those who have the experience:
False Recovery