Here's another good clip.
Radio clip on how to complain in a marriage
Segment #2

Thanks, Brain.

To be clear, I probably do some SDs and DJs when the AOs begin. I have been trying really hard to follow Dr. Harley's advice for the right way to complain. It can be difficult when I feel like the IB is really dangerous.

For example, during the last issue we had, my H was meeting a friend at a bar 25 miles away and I didn't want him to drink and drive home (he has a history of drinking a lot with this friend). I was trying to negotiate and suggested going with him, shopping at a nearby mall so that I could drive, or getting us a hotel room next door. He just wanted to drive by himself and I felt like I couldn't morally accept that so I started to make SDs which resulted in an AO on his part. I did end up driving him and picking him up, but it was followed with two days of him being mad at me. I forced him into it, but how could I not? What if I didn't and he got into an accident and hurt himself or someone else?

Another example is that a 22 year old girlfriend of one of his friend's at work has been texting my H. I requested that when she texts, my H texts his friend instead. Recently she texted and told my H that she got tickets to a show for all of us and I asked my H to text her boyfriend (his friend) about it instead. He said that was a ridiculous request, she is his friend and he will do whatever he wants. So, I said, if you aren't going to consider my request then I will call her and tell her not to text you anymore. That made him really mad because it would be embarrassing for him (and admiration is his number 1 EN) and he AOed me out of it. I struggled with that because he wasn't following the POJA, so why should I?

I wish my H would post on here because I am afraid that I paint a negative picture of him and that if you heard his perspective, you'd give us more balanced advice. My history of SDs and DJs make him afraid of POJA. He thinks that if we agreed to POJA, he would never do anything that he enjoys ever again.

As I was listening to the clips Brain posted one of the things I realized is that my H does meet my ENs, he just also engages in LBs. So, I am in love with him which is why it makes it difficult for me to do plan B.

Penni, your husband is not on board with POJA, so he is not going to take your feelings into account. What SHOULD have happened is he should have done nothing until a solution was found that would make you both happy.

But he has shown over and over and over again that he is not interested in doing that.

All you can do is tell him you're not enthusiastic. You cannot force him to take your feelings into account, or to negotiate. He's not interested.



I would seriously suspect an affair.
If it's not an affair, he's primed for one.

What he's afraid of is giving up control and being forced to be considerate.

For the record, POJA doesn't apply in situations where health or life is at stake. It also doesn't apply when it comes to EPs, which your husband is breaking.

We have had this conversation already. Your H is a wayward. EPs aren't negotiated or subject to POJA. You turn this into a discussion about POJA to make excuses for your H.

Your H has already engaged in EAs and here he is still acting inapprorpiately with other women while gaslighting you into believing you are the one with a problem.

This is very hard to watch!

You said you were going to put a keylogger on your H's laptop and cell a few months back. Did you ever do this?

Prisca, yes, I think it's possible that he could have one given his IB and difficulty with POJA. I snoop like crazy, though, I have a key logger, spyware on his phone, and can track his location from his phone and he has no idea. If something ever happens, I'll know.

It's funny, he always tells me he wishes I wouldn't check his email or look at his phone, but the way he could stop me from doing that is by being more open. It's like a Chinese finger trap, the more he closes things off because he thinks I should trust him, the less I trust him.

This is a deal breaker.

Texting is "something."

So far, she texts when she is trying to make plans with us for a double date so that doesn't sound like an EA to me but given his past EA, I don't want them to text at all. I really don't enjoy this couple much anyway, the guy and my H have some things in common but the girl and I have nothing in common.

Markos tells me that he's heard Dr. Harley says if you want to have a romantic relationship with a woman, become somebody she texts with.

Given his past EA AND his reaction when you told him you didn't want him to text her makes this a deal breaker.

Please, Penni, don't take responsibility for his bad behavior.

His angry outbursts are ABUSE. He is the cause of them, not you.

He is not "afraid to POJA." He just doesn't care about you and doesn't want to have what he wants interfered with by your desires. He just doesn't want to live like a married man.

All he needs to do is NOT do things that you are unenthusiastic about. How can he be "scared" to do that? If you are disrespectful and demanding he might be scared to talk to you or something, but you don't have to talk to NOT do something that is offensive to your spouse. You just DON'T DO IT. There are no negative consequences from your spouse for STOPPING offensive behavior. Nobody ever love busted their spouse for NOT doing things that are offensive.

Yep, I agree, that's why I want it to stop now.

My H thinks it's his "right" to be friends with whomever he chooses and when I say he shouldn't because it upsets me, he says that I need to learn to not be upset by things that are "normal". He says that unless he has a physical affair with someone, I have no "right" to restrict his friendships. I am much pickier about friends and don't like some of his friends that encourage IBs, so he seems me as a hermit.

"He will do whatever he wants" = he does not care about you.
"He will do whatever he wants" = he does not want to be married.
"He will do whatever he wants" = this is not a marriage.

Really well put, Marcos, thanks. This has definitely given me a different perspective.

It is YOUR right for your husband to not live like a single man.

Single men can do whatever they want.

Married people have to actually be different from single people in some way. They cannot have everything they want or believe is their "right."

Why would he arrange double dates with someone you don't even want to be with?



Who has time for double dates when you want to recover your marriage???