Hoping,

You can also be proud of yourself that you are willing to go through this rather than trying to go around it, like so many people do. There's no escaping pain in life - and especially in a crisis - and it does more harm than good when people don't allow themselves to experience it.

Remember there are stages of grief. You WILL get through them - and you will heal! You will have learned a lot in the process too; stuff that will make your life AWESOME eventually.

AMEN

It drives me nuts when people are 'scared' of Plan B because they can't be bothered putting in the work to become happy.

Yes it will be hard sometimes scaredycats! Get over it!

Posters like Hoping make me happy because her Plan B has been FLAWLESS.

You do, Hoping. You make me think there is hope!

Huge AMEN

I have learned so much from my illness. My hospitalizations. My medical treatments. My surgeries. My losses. My grief. My recovery.

I intend to squeeze every drop of learning from this experience, and USE it to make our lives (me & mr) awesome.

Every unpleasant & painful experience teaches us something about our humanity.

Every joy is sweeter when we appreciate that time is short. Get on with life.

Thanks all for your kind words of encouragement. Indie, thanks for the words of praise, I am a sucker for praise (when it's genuine) and it really helps me feel proud of myself to hear someone acknowledge that after 6 weeks have gone by, I'm still hurting, but all the special treatment from others has fizzled out. Life has moved on but I haven't and it'll take me some more time but I know I can do it.

And yes, I am very happy that I didn't try to go around it and accept my misery. I need to remind myself of that. Regardless of making the right choice for myself, it still hurts, but it makes for a bright future to look forward to at least.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying" AMEN!

Oh I remember that bit. Just get a bit more obnoxious.

Like so:

"AHEM, RL people. Yes, I am funny and sparkly and brave! But I am also very, very hurt and need LOTS of fussing over when I am in a low patch, which will come and go for many months ahead.

Please take me out somewhere nice/give me a cuddle/make me a cuppa/make me laugh lots.

I will let you know when I am in a low patch so you can respond accordingly. :D"

Its just radical honesty after all!

LOL I like the "AHEM" part! I will certainly try this. I do wish I had closer friends that I felt more comfortable asking for help. I am working on strengthening those friendships that I really value because I now realize that WH was my best friend and I am now left with a void that he used to fill. I need to make new best girlfriends who are reliable and can be there for me.
I also have 2 leads on new girlfriends because I wouldn't mind expanding my circle either. Sadly, one of my favorite friends from my synagogue is moving next month and that has made it even harder. She is also a BW.

Is she moving somewhere that would make for excellent girlie weekend visits? Is there a halfway point that would do? You both need lots of fun!

You have to be quite cheeky and TELL people that you ARE making plans, to do x,y or z and give them a variety of dates to choose from too. Get group emailing until some or all of your targets surrender. Try a spa day. Where there's an offer on. Women will usually sell their grans for a spa day.

I am actually not too good at this but I have a friend who was betrayed by her fiance at the same time as my Dday, who IS. I am trying to learn from her!

I received a traffic ticket in the mail for the car that WH has in Texas but which apparently is still registered under my name (or both our names) in Minnesota. WH ran a red light, was caught on camera and they sent the ticket in the mail. This is the second one I've gotten, although the first was before D-day.

I think I will just pay the ticket so I can avoid worry over my credit being affected and then my IM can inform WH that he needs to reimburse me.

The main problem is how to get my name off of the registration? I asked my attorney and he said that he wasn't sure but he thinks that I may need WH's cooperation to do this. Also, should I get my name taken off the registration already or should I wait to see if WH agrees to the division of assets in our divorce before I do this?

I was thinking I could use the car as leverage (ie WH gets the car if he doesn't try to claim any of my large amount of savings) but if I take my name off the registration now he'd probably feel that he is already the rightful sole owner even though I paid for the car in cash 2 years ago and we shared it. I began the process of divorce on 6/8/12 but at the earliest it will take several months to be finalized. My attorney worded the terms so that WH would get what was in his bank account and I would get what is in mine. I have much more money in my account and legally WH could ask for a 50% split of assets and take a fair portion of my savings. This is despite the fact that I have a ton of student loans and I paid for WH's school so he wouldn't have to take out any loans. All of my savings are from my work checks so I'm really hoping he won't ask for any of it.

Any thoughts on how I should proceed with this? The car registration and the timing of the transfer of title is what most concerns me.

Well unfortunately, this is one of the loopholes in the law that need fixed. When I was married, my WH and his drunken skank were driving OUR CAR and OUR MOTORHOME around...my name was on the title and registration along with his. I had to continue paying the insurance payments and ran the risk of them having a drunk driving accident and killing someone and ME getting sued for everything I own! My lawyer couldn't do anything except award HIM title to the motor home and car they had possession of...I had to pay for both since my name was on the loan and he quit his job and quit paying anything.

When we signed the divorce papers, he went with me to the DMV to sign off on titles, etc. but he refused to transfer the titles into his name only, even though I offer to pay the fees! I spent months battling with the DMV over this. Finally one person at the DMV told me the only way to get out of the liability was to apply for lost title (since he had it), sign his name to it, and do a transfer of title at the same time. I said, "that's fraud, isn't it?" She said, "do you want to pay their insurance the rest of your life and continue the liability of their driving drunk at your expense?" She said there's no way to force someone to sign over a title just because they've been awarded the property in a divorce. It really sucks as I think there SHOULD be a way! She did repeat to me several times that the DMV does not go through signatures, that they have neither the time nor inclination to do so.

If anyone else knows a way, please post it...I talked to several DMV officials and attorney...

I would want the monkey off my back rather than retain rights to the property, the liability can be high if he's wracking up tickets...he's also not driving safe which can come back to haunt YOU!

*Groan* This sounds bad. Also my WH is out of state so if he has to be here in person that is never going to happen. Thanks for sharing your experience, I thought this might be difficult.

Anyone else have any pointers on this? WH I'm sure would be willing to be the sole owner on the title, the issue is just if this is possible without both of us being at the same DMV to do this.

Have your attorney send a copy of the ticket and your receipt to him, with a notificatin that if he cannot drive the car responsibly and take care of his own traffic tickets (reimburse you immediately), the car will be repossessed by you immediately.

That ought to help resolve the problem.

On an unrelated issue, I wanted to send a message to WH regarding what the legal papers regarding the divorce say and informing him that he has the right to have a lawyer but does not need to have one. I have anxiety over this but I think it would be good to say because the papers are in legal jargon and English is not WH's native language. I know for a fact that he will not understand a word it says. If WH knows that one does not have to have a lawyer (and how much I paid my lawyer) he most likely won't get one. That would save me a lot of heartache and money. Any thoughts?

That's his problem now.

Stay dark.

You can't "repossess" a car from someone whose name is on the title, believe me, I already checked into that. Of course you can take it and hide it if your name is on the title, but then his lawyer might demand return of it, it's not a permanent solution.

Also, it's up to him to seek an interpreter to explain the letter to him or get his own attorney. You take care of you and let the chips fall where they may with him. You don't have the time/energy to waste of taking care of him now.

I can have the IM send the message so that I stay dark. If he doesn't get a lawyer I'd probably get to keep a lot more of my savings in the divorce.

Ditto! His problem. Just get whatever deal you can get. Leave that stuff to your lawyer. If you have a good one, it doesnt matter what WH does, or does not do.

I was astonished mine got representation. But his is still not as good as mine

Well, yeah. That'd be nice.

But you dont have any control over that choice...

Plan B 2 month mark

Well I am celebrating my 2 month anniversary in Plan B. I do feel a lot better than I initially did, as expected.

I'm going through a bit of a low right now. I've gotten to the point where the anger and bitterness is subsiding and now I just miss WH, mostly as a friend. I feel sad that I can no longer see him, talk to him, or take care of him. I worry about him and wonder how he is doing. I clearly still care about him. I even feel a little guilty for being the one who left him (although obviously I don't feel that I am at fault) and for maintaining no contact and no longer being able to take care of him, check up on him and give him my love and affection. I feel guilty for keeping our dog that we both love so much.

These feelings are what get me the most these days. I know that I still will not contact him because I know the damage that it will cause to my mental health. When will these feelings go away? I know that my Plan B (and Plan D) are still young but I am eager to be rid of the guilt and sadness. I want my life back and this has been quite a difficult experience. I am in counseling and that helps but I figure that the old saying "Time heals all wounds" is what I'm really up against.

On a more positive note, I start my new job at the community health center working with the underserved and uninsured in September. This is the job I've always wanted and I will have the opportunity to have my school loans paid off for me by the government. I hope that by then I am feeling better because I will be working my butt off in the beginning getting to know the new clinic and learning the ins and outs of Family medicine.

I am also busy making new friends and setting up a Jewish young adults group with the help of one of my new friends. I am hanging in there and trying to do everything recommended to ward off depression and anxiety. I am sleeping better these days and have more ups than downs.

I'd love to hear from some of you for a little pick-me-up and your words of wisdom. I love you MB folks!

OK hon,

Hmmm. In general I think its good to be honest with ourselves. You feel guilt. You know its mad, but it is there and you can't deny the fact. Well that's honesty.

These feelings spent a long time being built up in your system. I don't think I've ever seen a WH more dedicated to creating neediness than yours.

He needed control of you, as he hates POJA so, so he was committed to keeping you pumped up with needs. Pouting and creating guilt whenever he didn't get his way (he did pout, like Jagger, didn't he?)

Those feelings are not ephemeral. They are solid. They are chemicals in the blood built up over many years.

As long as what you are experiencing is the ebbing away of those feelings, its fine.

As long as the feelings aren't being fuelled by anything, or aren't being generated, its fine.

For example, I would grieve him and release him - but I wouldn't sit around daydreaming about him.

How are your triggers? Is there anything that has a vibe of WH around it?

I think you're doing ok. Love isn't cured in a day.

My triggers that I have control over are kept at bay pretty well. There are other things that trigger me that I don't have much control over -- ie going to the beach or creek to swim with the dog, reminding me of the hundreds of times that WH & I went last summer.

No direct triggers though, that's all good.

It helps to remember that WH created the guilt with his gaslighting and pouting -- it's true, he had always done that A LOT. I have a problem with guilt though -- I'm naturally a very compassionate person and to think that someone I care about is suffering really gets me in the gut.

The stage I'm at seems normal and I don't know that there's anything else I can do to alleviate the guilt except let the time pass.

I really want to grieve him and release him but I suppose I just need more time before my mind will release him. How long did it take you before you felt completely guilt-free and no sadness? Two months in Plan B must just be a bit early still.