All affairs are based on lies and deceit

Its an online affair, EE.

But I do agree with you that this man should get a clue and look into whom he is associating with. Its a sad fact that many people are duped online by people posing as something else.

But lets focus on this lady's next step.

Please tell us when you have completed the first step of honesty!

We can help you walk a happier road once you have taken that important first step....

Even the lies told by the OP who may or may not know the marital status of their partner.

This guy would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that sleeping with someone he knows is not his wife is a sin.

Again, I'm not saying she shouldn't tell. I'm simply saying that let's be honest about his status. He too is sinner, by choice. He's not being tricked into sinning because he doesn't know she's married. He's chosen to sin because he is knowingly sleeping with someone he knows is not his spouse.

Doh, apparently I fail at reading comprehension

So while my rant is true, it doesn't apply here

Sorry, I'll go back to celebrating my freedom to be wrong from time to time.

OK, one more thing, purely speculation. How does Adeaton know her online interest is any more honest than she is?

Her own experience, knowing how easy it is to fabricate a fictional character, or embellish attributes should cause her some concern about this man.

So while we agree, he should know who he's dealing with, the advice goes both ways.

She knows, for better and for worse, what she has in her husband. She has no real information about the man at the other end of the internet connection.

He could be luring her as much as she's lured him.

That right there should be enough to cause pause.

How does Adeaton know her online interest is any more honest than she is?

Interesting possibility, but ultimately irrelevant to the task facing our poster. Actually, it could be counterproductive to her accumulating resolve to fix the mess she has occasioned by introducing the fact that she did not "harm" him. In truth, the "harm" she should focus on to the exclusion of all else is the harm to her BH, her family and herself. OM, truthful or not, unless he's just emerged from an abbey, would be on his own hook to understand the almost-non-existent level of truth exchanged anonymously over the internet.

Stay focused, Adeaton, on your primary responsibility - your BH. Informing OM of your deceit would be a vital element of your newly honest relationship with BH.

No argument about her needing to do the right thing.

I'm simply pointing out that when she compares her husband to this man, if she is weighing each in the balances to decide, she has to factor in that he may not be all he claims to be in his on-line persona.

Perhaps that consideration will make it easier for her to be honest about what this relationship was and to be honest will all actors in this chain of events. Honest with her BH and honest with her OM.

Oh I completely agree. She would definitely be throwing her H and children under a bus for a complete fantasy. If he isn't being dishonest he's at the very least a real fool for not checking out her story.

Even if he's been honest, she only knows him online, she doesn't know him in real life.

Its easy to be a perfect part time lover for a few hours a day on the web.

Says all the right things, no dirty dishes, no bills, no kids.

Like escaping into a badly written romance novel.

That's every affair there has ever been. A fantasy. Because she's getting some needs met in the marriage, she only needs Mr Virtual Lover to meet one or two. Interesting conversation and admiration - I would guess. Those are addictive things.

Put these two in a house, with his resentment over being tricked into an affair-marriage, her disappointment he's actually a bit of a fool and with children who hate the new stepdad who broke up the family and it's a different picture.

He has told me the truth because I've visited him and met his children and friends. This man is amazing and everything I've dreamed of. That's why this is so hard. I'm in love with him and it'll be very difficult getting over him and wondering if I will regret not leaving to be truly happy. Right now, I'm not happy. My husband's not happy. I would love to be in a relationship where both sides are happy. He is everything!

Did you listen to these?

So you have met in real life.

What is the extent of your affair?

Doesn't this wonderful guy deserve to know the truth about you?

While you seem focused on your regrets, have you considered his regrets should he learn that you are not who you put yourself out there to be?

Well he's going to feel like a right fool when he realises he's exposed his children to an affair. That the woman he was showing off was a married adulterer.



He doesn't even know what your marital status is! He has no clue what a liar you are!

The two of you don't know each other. The whole thing is a lie.

I have a more honest and open relationship with the mailman than you do with this man.



Its not surprising he's not happy is it? - you're off having adulterous trips with OM!

Its very distasteful that you have leapt to OMs defence and blamed BH in the one breath.

Haven't heard anything about your plan to come clean?

Truth - yes or no?

Adeaton, you are employing the favorite tactic of a smarmy WW **edit**

Forgot the status/value of OM and his kids, grandma,and kitty-cat. There is only one issue here. At 10:36 today I asked you to address the following issue:

Restoring your own sense of worth is going to mean admitting everything to your BH, revealing your deceits to OM, and committing to the MB plan of recovery. Decide "yes" or "no" and get back to us here. We can help you with "yes" and say goodbye to you with "no".

Your answer, at 11:58, in time-dishonored WW fashion, was to obfuscate and dissemble:

I think I should end the affair and restore my marriage...I don't want to always miss the man I'm having an affair with. He makes me so happy and I can talk for hours a day to him.

So you have made your choice, friend. Continue with your affair. Finally ending the sham of your "marriage" with your BH would be the kindest thing you could do for him. Getting an adulteress as a new partner will not be a problem for OM, since he'll bail on this "un-Christian" arrangement as soon as he learns of it.

This is NG, signing off.

Like I said.

The future you envision with this other man is a ridiculous fantasy.

Making this point to you is KEY.

It is VERY important you realise he is a complete stranger who hardly knows you.

However I suspect you already know and don't care as long as the cheap admiration still floods your way.

Even if he was Prince Charming with the soul of a poet - he isn't your husband AND YOU ARE MARRIED.

When you realise that, and are ready to work on your marriage we only need a one word answer:

Yes or No to complete honesty with your victims?

And was this wonderful Christian man sexually active with you when you visited him?

I'm going to ask this in a slightly different way, in order to avoid you skirting the issue.

What level of physical intimacy did you and your adultery-partner reach?
Clothes on or off?
Touching over/under clothes?
In bed?
In shower?
Deep tongue kissing?
Oral... either way?
Intercourse?

To answer the questions....Yes, I have met him and we were very passionate. I was sexually active with him.

Now, since yesterday, I came clean with my BH and want to live right. I do love my family to pieces and need to stop being selfish and hiding everything from everyone. I hate that feeling just for my own satisfaction. I agree it was selfish of me and I'm not that person. I want to live for the Lord and praise the Lord daily with my children and family. I need to be thankful for what I have and stop seeking more.
I'm loving the input from you guys. This is exactly what I need since I haven't confessed my lies to my friends. I'm too embarrassed of what I've done. I appreciate the truth. It really helps me see how horrible I am.

I'm loving the input from you guys. This is exactly what I need since I haven't confessed my lies to my friends. I'm too embarrassed of what I've done. I appreciate the truth.

You (or your BH, depending on your joint agreement about NC) have to contact OM, and give him the true story. A full MB-consistent NCL can follow later. We can walk you and BH through that.

Eventually, the rest of your families will be told, but OM must be next.

But, you did confess your lies to some friends - the ones you found here.

I don't hear any mention of the results of 'coming clean' with your BH. Was he angry? Upset? Did he want to leave you? I'm sure he wasn't just "Okay, that's fine."

Coming clean means telling him the full truth. Saying to him, "There was this guy I was chatting with online for awhile, pretty often but no big deal. But we stopped already." That does not cut it AT ALL.

Also, I think we still can't be sure of the OM's status just because you met his kids. It's not enough that the man said he is divorced. For all you know, he might be separated (but not divorced), and have the kids with him. Did you actually hear OTHER people besides him say that he is divorced? Like his kids or the priest? Otherwise, he still might be lying about it.

It always amazes me to read foggy waywards state that they have now finally confessed. Simply, matter of factly. Followed with a very LONG list of 'I' sentences to talk about what that confession has meant to THEM. Meanwhile, many of us can see over the waywards shoulder the BS who is writhing on the floor in pain.

In this paragraph you have used the word 'I' 17 times, if I counted right. No where, do you mention your BH, what exactly you 'confessed' to him (I am guessing a trickle truth version, whose with me), or how it has impacted HIM.

If you had any remorse for what you have done to this man, you would be so concerned for how this devastating confession (unless it was a less devastating trickle truth version of course) has impacted him, you would not have time to think about 17 things to say about YOURSELF.