Whenever a spouse becomes physically abusive, even when it's not even close to being life-threatening, it's time to pack your bags. My standard advice for even the mildest forms of physical abuse is separation until the abuser completes a course in anger management, and takes personal responsibility for all forms of abuse, physical or verbal. If you take that important step in response to his abuse, you send the right message -- you will not tolerate abusive behavior.

Your biggest obstacle will be self-doubt -- wondering if you're doing the right thing. But if you remind yourself that abusive marriages, especially those with even the slightest amount of physical abuse, are so dangerous that they should never be tolerated, you'll have confidence that you must separate. If your husband is given professional help in learning to control his temper, and he proves to you that he can handle frustration intelligently instead of emotionally, you can then live together in peace.

Your husband's angry outbursts demonstrate a fact that I've expressed for years -- it's temporary insanity. You have no idea what he's capable of doing to you when he's angry. When your husband rips off his shirt and hits his head in anger, he's not in control of himself. His safety and yours are at risk.

I commend you for moving out of your home to let your wife return with your girls. That was a very caring and appropriate first step on your part. But now that she is at home, respect her privacy as if it were not your home anymore. Visit your wife only when she has invited you -- do not visit her unannounced. And when you do visit, be sure she is comfortable having you there. In advance of your visit, ask your wife to set a time limit so that she will know when you will be leaving, and stick to it. If she becomes uncomfortable before the time is over, and asks you to leave earlier than planned, leave graciously and immediately.

Right now, your wife has very mixed feelings about you. She remembers what it was you did that caused her to leave you, and is still afraid that you will continue to do it. Let her take whatever time she needs to gain her trust in you.

You have taken the first step toward reconciliation by trying to make your wife's life more comfortable, even though you had to move out to make that possible. The next step is to discover what you have been doing that has made her life so miserable. So I would try to get as much information from her as possible about what she considers to be abuse on your part. Whatever she thinks is abuse, learn to stop doing it.

The safer your wife feels, the more likely she will be to invite you back home to live with her again. But don't put pressure on her. Instead, return only when and how she wants you to return.

In most cases like yours, a wife will suggest staying overnight as a first step toward moving back home. And the husband does not necessarily sleep in his own bed with his wife. She often feels more comfortable with him sleeping in another room. If he resists her terms for the one-night stay, it may be quite a while before there is a second invitation. Then after being comfortable with his staying over one night, a weekend stay is tried. Eventually he is back in his own bed with her every night of the week.

But don't give up your alternate home for a while. Even if your wife feels comfortable enough with you to invite you back permanently, if your bad habits begin to return, you should go back to living at work until you can completely guarantee your wife's safety.

It's often hard for a man to accept the idea that he is not free to come and go in his own home. But under these conditions, it's not his home yet. It's only his home again when his wife feels like sharing it with him. Unless a man accepts that reality, reconciliation is much more difficult than it needs to be.

You have come face-to-face with a very important reality about marriage. Even though you and your wife are married, have children and own your home together, you live with your wife by invitation only. That's technically true about all marriages. You don't own her and she doesn't own you. There is a sense in which you are guests of each other throughout life, and you must respect each other if your mutual invitation to live together is to survive.

It will take a while to get rid of your bad habits and replace them with good habits. Knowing what to do, and getting into the habit of doing it, are two entirely different steps. You may already know what you should do, but it may take you three to six months of concerted effort to rid yourself of the habits that drove your wife from your house. And then, when you return to her, you may find some of those bad habits creeping back into your behavior again. Monitor your behavior very carefully so that you can keep Love Busters out of your marriage for the rest of your life. That way your wife will never again feel obligated to leave her own home just to feel safe.

Your example of avoiding abuse, even when your wife is abusive to you, will go a long way toward showing her how spouses should treat each other. At first, she will not see her contribution to creating an abusive marriage, but eventually, as you learn to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and avoid Love Busters, she will see the importance of doing the same.

Your wife wants you to be home with her and your daughters. But she also wants to feel comfortable with you living there. In most cases like yours, a wife invites her husband back home too soon, before he has had time to prove his ability to protect her from his bad habits. Don't worry about her waiting too long to ask you to return. It's more likely that she will ask you to return before you are ready. So use the time that you are living away from your wife wisely, eliminating the habits that drove her away from you, and mastering the new habits that will make her life more enjoyable. I'm sure that without any encouragement from you at all, you will be living with her again very soon. And when you return, your wife and your daughters will welcome a man who has learned to protect them all from his abusive habits.

It's been my experience that when a guy shows up at the police station, reporting that his wife just hit him, they tend to play down that report.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm saying that it's nearly impossible to get the police to take you seriously when you are a husband reporting your wife.

Sorry, I commented on the post that mentioned both angry husbands and wives.

Frankly, I don't think Dr Harley gives angry wives a pass, does he?

Same standard for all spouses, regardless their gender, IIRC.

Same standard for all spouses, regardless their gender, IIRC.

Your husband's angry outbursts demonstrate a fact that I've expressed for years -- it's temporary insanity. You have no idea what he's capable of doing to you when he's angry. When your husband rips off his shirt and hits his head in anger, he's not in control of himself. His safety and yours are at risk.

[quote=Dr. Harley] I've ordered love busters and plan on cleaning up my side of the steet, but we will have to deal with his angry outbursts eventually.

7. Do not hesitate to call 911 when he has an Angry Outburst
8. If domestic violence has occurred, separate
9. If violence has occurred, file a criminal report for assault

Would someone please define "domestic violence"?

For example, if there is physical aggression against objects, walls, pets or children...do those things count or not?

Where does a person draw the line between "physical aggression" and "violence?"

If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again

Thank you BrainHurts. I'm listening now.

Interesting that the wife separated because the husband was pounding objects. He'd never hit her. And Dr. Harley totally supported her leaving for this reason.