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The very best thing you could do for your BH right now is to instruct him to come to this forum, where he will receive the help that he needs.
Clearly you are not remorseful or committed to any kind of recovery with him, at least the vets here can help him find his own recovery.
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On the outside, it looks like I have a wonderful marriage with two happy kids. We have been married 14 years and my husband worked extremely long hours until the last year. We got married at a young age and in the beginning of our marriage, he was influenced by his coworkers in the beginning to go to strip clubs. I was totally against this and was stuck at home babysitting their kids while they went out. Then, my husband began gambling with them so that even made more lonely nights. I finally gave in to going to strip clubs with him so I could be with him. This made me feel guilty and hurt that he didn't want just me. I am telling you all this so you can see the life of our marriage.
After years of this, we were very distant and I was lonely because he worked long hours and late nights. Going to church was very important to me, but that was his only day off so he'd rather play golf with his buddies or rest. I did have the luxury of staying home with our kids, but it really made me depressed and not even get dressed up or anything. I'm sure this made my husband unattracted to me. I never gained weight and always worked out , but I always wore sweats and was depressed.
We have always been best friends during our marriage, but I nagged my husband because I was so hurt and lonely. I took my pain out on him and even started griping about him not ever wanting to have sex with me. This only pushed him further away from me and he had an affair. At the same time, a guy I had been engaged to in college contacted me and wanted to have lunch. I told my husband and he said I should go. It's like he didn't even care. I went and ended up having an affair until he wanted me to leave my husband and marry him. I knew how in love I was with my husband and immediately told him no. I told my husband everything and then found out on my own that he was having an affair.
Yea, my wife jokingly encouraged me to find a girlfriend or explore bisexuality when she was having her affair. So I'm not surprised your husband didn't care you were meeting an old boyfriend. Waywards really like the concept of an "open marriage"
I was very hurt and he ended it immediately. We moved on with our marriage life looking happy but with so much pain inside.
Happy or unhealed and unreconciled pain?
We then moved an hour away and I felt like it was a great way for us to start over. He has so many great qualities that I love about him and it's easy to stay married. I just really want to be truly happy. I do feel like he is still not sexually attracted to me since I am the one to initiate the sex. He thinks once a week is too much.
That is not normal
Also, I would like him to be a leader in the family by praying with me at night and taking our family to church on Sundays. Being close to the Lord is not important to him.
Dr. harley says that we should respect religous differences in our spouses and not demand they accept our religion.
In the last year, I began talking to a man online and am completely in love with him. He is a strong Christian man and is completely in love with me.
He shares his feelings with me and is very open. Whereas, I've never seen my husband cry so this is very new to me. He also prays with me and puts the Lord first in his life. Every time I break things off with him, all I do is think about him and look for him online 24/7. He makes me feel wonderful and loved by sharing his feelings with me, he would marry me today and he is always available to me. The thing is that I haven't been completely honest with him. He thinks that I am now divorced. I don't know what to do because I do love my husband even though I am not completely happy and always missing the other man when I break things off with him. I can see myself stopping the affair and trying to be happy with the life I have now or moving out of state with this man and marrying him. Please help me because I don't know what to do. In the end, I want to be happy and a faithful wife.
Thank you for reading this and I value your opinion in helping me figure out my life.
Step 2 is to commit to your marriage.
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He has told me the truth because I've visited him and met his children and friends. This man is amazing and everything I've dreamed of. That's why this is so hard. I'm in love with him and it'll be very difficult getting over him and wondering if I will regret not leaving to be truly happy. Right now, I'm not happy. My husband's not happy. I would love to be in a relationship where both sides are happy. He is everything! I'm sure your husband isnt happy. You are devoting yourself to another man. I would be sad and angry if I was your husband
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Yes, the other man is telling the truth. He is divorced. I met his kids, best friends, ex wife and her husband. He is a very true man.
My husband has known about him in the past. I told BH that I loved OM and wanted to be with him and we almost divorced last December. My parents kept us together after we confided in them. My husband is one to not show emotion. He instead shuts down or becomes angry. It's very hard to tell how he's feeling. He didn't have much emotion after telling him. He just told me we should divorce. We worked through it until I desperately missed OM. He called my mom, my work, my daughter and emailed me to get a hold of me. I had changed my cell number to not be tempted to call him and to move forwards. We began talking again and I realized how much I loved him. That's how it all got started again.
After confessing to BH this time, he said, "You know what this means right?" He was talking about divorce. I told him that I would change and no longer have contact with him again. We are working on things.
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How are you working on things?
Did you tell the OM's family and friends that you are married?
I still dont understand: Does the OM know you are married?
Are you and your husband willing to work on a marriage where both of your needs are met by the other?
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Tell him to come here. He didn't have a plan during the last FR you had and still doesn't have a plan. He needs a PLAN.
If you really want true recovery you will tell him to come here so the vets can guide him. His plan right now is D and I can't blame him. It is the only protection he sees for himself right now.
You didn't 'work through it' last December which is evident by the fact that you are still here now, in a full fledged A, and you are not 'working through it' now.
Also buy, read and share SAA.
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Yes, the other man is telling the truth. He is divorced. I met his kids, best friends, ex wife and her husband. He is a very true man. If he is a very 'true' man then he is going to dump you like a bad habit when he finds out what kind of 'true' woman you are. You realize that and that is why you continue to dodge questions about telling him you are married.
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I told OM that I still loved BH. He asked me why I divorced him and why was I talking to him then. I told him that I thought I really wanted to be with OM, but I still was in love with BH. He said that I needed help and I would never be happy they way I am with BH. He told me that the Lord put us together and if he doesn't hear from me in a couple of days, then he'll know to move on. We both cried on the phone. So, I didn't tell him that I was still married.  Then, he texted me later and said that He really wants me to be happy no matter what I decide. I never texted back and haven't talked to him since. This was yesterday.
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I have read the articles on surviving an affair on the website. Last December, Dr. Harvey mailed me the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and I read that. He also sent me the link to read "When to End Your Marriage." I have read those and other books.
I need to get over the affair and move on with my life here and now.
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So what DO you want?
To recover your M with your HUSBAND?
Or to throw your M away to pursue a relationship with a man who you know little about and who DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU ARE MARRIED?
You know, this choice will be quite easy when you tell him you are still married. Because either he really is a good man and will dump you, or he really isn't a good man and won't care, and then you know what you are getting.
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What would be best would be for your husband to call him and say that he is very much still married to you and he would appreciate if he honored the sanctity of marriage better than he remained celibate while he was not married.
You should have no more contact with him IMHO.
OM's enthusiasm may wane should he find out that your husband is still married to you and interested in working on his marriage.
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I want to recover my M with my husband. I never want to hurt him again and to make him the happiest man ever.
It's probably best that I never talk to OM again.
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I want to recover my M with my husband. I never want to hurt him again and to make him the happiest man ever.
It's probably best that I never talk to OM again. It is the BEST you never talk to OM for life. Please listen to this clip of Dr. Harley saying this very thing. No contact for life. Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair. Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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"It's probably best.." is not good enough. It is absolutely, ESSENTIAL that you if you want ANY kind of recovery with your BH, you never, ever have any form of communication with your AP again.
You need to order SAA and read it from cover to cover and ask your H to read it too. It will outline exactly what needs to happen to recover from this.
In the meantime, you need to write a NC letter to your AP which your BH will read and mail. There are No Contact letter samples and hopefully someone will post the link here. Your NC letter should include the small detail that you are STILL MARRIED.
The NC letter will be your first step to showing your commitment to recovery to your BH. Next you will have to take away any form of communication that your AP can reach you at, close down Facebook acct, change email addresses and cell phone numbers, etc. I doubt you told him ALL your contact info because he would have been able to find out your secret.
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Ok thank you for your help.
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Brainhurts do you have links to the No Contact letters?
Adeaton, after a FR in December you need to be very proactive at showing to your BH that you are serious about no contact this time. Your words are meaningless right now and they should be, you need to show action.
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You have to realize, you betrayed your husband, and he has every right to divorce you. That is his decision. All you can do at this point is show him that you are really serious about saving your marriage, showing him that you will do whatever it takes.
Sometimes it takes something as drastic as moving your entire family to another state to get away from this other man. Are you willing to do that if needed?
It sounds like the other man calls your mom, work, daughter, etc. I have a feeling that he knows you are married, but in any case, the first step is to write a no contact letter, including telling this other man the truth that you are not divorced but married.
Also, you have to get this out of your mind that this other man is a holy man. Even if he really does think you are divorced, he is having sex before marriage, which is not allowed. He is trying desperately to contact you, even after you told him to stop. This is going to be almost impossible for you to grasp because you have this illusion that you love him, but THIS MAN IS NOT GOOD. And you want to work on your marriage, it has to be no contact, 100%.
BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
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Lady, Adeaton, let me tell you a couple of things. First do you understand that you are on a team with your H? Let me explain to you what that concept means in my other life. First a team member must be trusted right? And what you trust in your team members is the use of their judgment. Next, you drill down one more level, and what you are trusting is that they will use their judgment correctly, Right? And then one last level when you drill down, you trust that they will use correct judgment and exercise it in the best interest of the team, Right? If you were a team member of certain teams, you would be removed. Guaranteed! Voluntarily or involuntarily, vertical or horizontal. And right now you deserve to be on NO team !!! If you think you are not messing with lives, think again, you are doing so.
You have to come forward. You have to tell both of your �teams� if you want to call it that, that you are not a team member. If you do not do so, you perpetrate the worst or at least one of the worst, offenses known: traitor. And you are a traitor to both teams !!! You�re not being �asked� to inflict damage on "your" two team members either, you are doing so freely, and without cause ! How you can live with yourself in this fashion is beyond my understanding. In this regard, you deserve to never be on any team, Ever! If you cannot look and see the dead or dying, you have only my pity. Take the advice that is being given here, you have been treated much too kindly by this people.
H (me) = never wayward; age = 51; occup = attorney
W = never wayward; age = 49; occup = law office admin
Faith = Lutheran
S = age 20
S = age 19
D = age 17
Married 1990, first for both
Prior User Name "dec810" Marriage Builders 2001
"Evil will flourish, when good people do nothing"
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Got it, Dec. You are exactly right and everyone is being way too nice. Punishment is needed.
Jah, the good thing is that we do not live in the same state. There will be no contact or online communication in any way.
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