YAY!!! Glad to see you made the move!

wow, i wrote a big, long post this morning, and apparently it's disappeared into the ether!

suffice it to say: thanks for the welcome! (i won't bore you with the massive anxiety dream i had last night. it was wacko.)

today is the antiversary of DD 6 years ago, and i feel great! i don't know if there will be a year where it passes unnoticed, but i'm happy with the way i feel this year. normally winter is rough for me anyway, being winter and all, but DD added a super-whammy to it. this is the first year i haven't been well-sunk into a depression at this point. yay for little steps!

I absolutely HATE when that happens with a post! It's frustrating because once you have brain dumped, you feel you can't really say it all again.

Sorry about the dream. I hate those.

But YES....every small step leads to a great victory!!!

yes, the dream was a baddie, and although i've smacked its hands, it's still playing a little in my brain. i had a couple of wobblies today, but managed them just fine by myself.

the great victory this week was IC. twice! the other day, i was talking about getting my hair done, and asked H what he thought. he said, "i *prefer* it when you wear it long." i laughed like a child! this is possibly the first time H has ever said he *prefers* or even likes something! i know, such a trivial thing, but wow! then last night i made a stir fry dinner. i've struggled with the recipe since DD moved out and took hers, but last night it was really good, and i said something like gee, i'm so glad this finally came out so tasty, and H said, "this is really good!" and then ate the entire wokful. from a man whose every meal has been "ok," this was remarkable.

he got lots of praise from me today for communicating his thoughts. also, am building up the admiration bank with his work around the house. he must really be glad i'm doing it, because when we came home today, he got out the secateurs and hacked down the tree/vine blocking the view at the bottom of the house. now if only i can get him to have sf more often. i'm generally jealous of unwritten's 5x/week "compromise!"

we go back to IC monday, and though i'm pretty darn anxious about it, it's great that we do it right after the weekend, where we have so much UA time. off soon for a dinner out, and then the hot pools. bad weather coming in, so good night for it. i hope you're having a great weekend too!

brrrr! i think mother nature is telling me to give up smoking. i'm sitting on the patio in four layers of wool and a wool blanket to boot, and i'm still freezing!

Yes gurl! Give up that smoking!

yes, i really need to; not only a disgusting habit, very expensive here, at $21+change for a pack of 30. ouch! i had quit, then reverted at crisis time. sadly, a default of mine. winter may push me to it! big storm blowing in tonight.

oh, meant to mention, have had first successful poja! a calm, rational, mutually beneficial conversation. this is the first time we have ever talked out something fully, with full honesty, and reached an enthusiastic agreement. i cannot tell you how stoked i am. and it did help to start with baby steps, as i've seen someone mention before (with stuff at the grocery store, etc). you CAN translate it to bigger issues without pain.

the most enjoyable part was the conversation - quiet, respectful, no one shutting down with "whatever" or "just forget it." wow.

YAY! POJA really is a crucial part of the MB program. And you're right: cutting your teeth on the small stuff will help when big issues arise. It's definitely a learned skill as H and I have found. We're getting better all the time! AND...I've learned to seek advice if I need to clarify my own thoughts or motives before heading into negotiations. It really makes you focus on putting your marriage and spouse first, making for a great relationship.

Before MB it was easier to think about everyone else besides H first. You take it for granted that your spouse is going to understand, etc... It's SO counterproductive! POJA helps put the most important person in your life before anyone else. That's how it should be.

I can remember the first big argument H and I had after recovery. It was weird! I had to remind him that no longer was I doing the "whatever/just forget about it" thing. And...no longer was I making excuses for my feelings to try and manipulate him to see things my way, or vice versa. It's like we had to remind ourselves that we didn't have to play those games anymore - and boy was it nice! Of course, the argument started because we HADN'T POJA'd something, lol.

It's like, when you first are in the recovery process you are learning all these philosophies and big picture ideals. When you have your first opportunities to utilize them, you're amazed at how much it really does work - and how much better it is than doing what you did before.

As for the smoking issue...it's understandable that it was difficult to quit while in the midst of crisis. You can only deal with so much at one time. Perhaps now will be an easier time for you to tackle that!

so true! i know that was one of my pre-new-M problems. just assuming anything would be just fine. what a dope!

i had a funny thing happen today. (background) H found a mouse in our kitchen drawers the other day. i cleaned up all the mess (it had made a nest in the back of the kitchen towel drawer - the lowest one). our littlest cat hopped on it immediately.

then today i opened the bread drawer, and there was a(nother) mouse on top of the loaf! i shouted. it jumped a foot! i jumped a foot! then we both scampered around like chickens with our heads cut off and ran in different directions! (him for a hidey hole, me for the camera!)

i cannot believe that we have 3 cats, one of whom delivered a disemboweled rat the size of our 5 month old kitten to me this morning, and have mice in the kitchen!

NB: i'm not afraid of mice, was just surprised!

OMG...I would have freaked! lol

We had a squirrel in our wall a couple of months ago. It had gotten trapped in there somehow - from the attic. It was making all kinds of scurrying noises trying to get out. H finally cut a small hole in the wall as it was between the pantry and the laundry room. I felt much better knowing it was a squirrel and not a rat, but still! I was expecting some kind of scene like in Christmas Vacation! LOL

He finally got it out by putting our little dog carrier up against the hole with some food/water in it. When the squirrel went into the carrier, he shut the door and then took it outside. Then, he worried about the little guy - wondering if he was making it OK on the outside world. LOL (H has a heart of gold!)

lol, my H is the same way with animals. he loves his fur babies.

having booted out 2 of the little b@st@rds, there are more! i found mouse poop in the cutlery drawer this morning! how i hate washing cutlery; thank goodness for dishwashers!

someone recently asked in a thread about reading over at SAA (was it RQ?) sometimes i find it very hard to read a new thread there, and i just have to leave it for the vets. it is just too hard to read the fresh heartbreak and pain and the middle of a nasty a. having said that, most of the time i can deal, but that's because i'm quite a distance out from our own a. and i finally feel like i'm healing every day, so that i can try to help others implement MB if they're ready to.

i think i have more trouble IRL. we have an adulterer next door, and one across the street. every time i see the homewrecker's car across the street i about steam out the ears. poor BWs WH had an a with his secretary while she was at home with two very small children dealing w/the renovation of their home. she booted his butt right out, but he moved back into the house (alone) about a year later. it's really sad that there is no legal recourse here to keep children away from the AP. blerk. and when i think of the poor lady who should be living next door in her retirement dream home built from scratch, which is now being enjoyed by her XWH and their interior decorator, i'd like to spew. thank goodness all the others are long-term marrieds! those are the ones i speak to. i avoid the others. the across the street adulterer had to sell his practice and now works at my health clinic. there's NO WAY i'd accept an appointment with him, and i'd have no problem saying why if it came to that. thank goodness i never actually have to even see him from a distance.

i went to have my brows and lashes done today (i look like a rabbit otherwise) and my girl asked if i watched the locally-made movie last night. she went on about the love story theme (three couples, one breaks up and the man moves on with one of the other wives). i stopped her mid-sentence and said that i don't watch films that romanticize adultery, locally made or not. that shut her up, lol.

adultery impacts so many people in so many ways. it makes me sick that our culture glorifies it and even makes it easy for the adulterers to continue their bad behaviour and even *encourages* it! my heart aches for those little kids across the street.

on another note, i have not been able to find identity of poor BW in the sitch i heard about. i feel at a loss of what to do. cautious questions with those in the know have gotten me shut down quick smart. i think someone must know that i'd reveal all. but then, that's my fault for being upfront about my feelings on this topic.

ok, i'm off to finish my chicken soup. it's very cold and raining today, and we're off on a mini-break this weekend to a place even colder, so need to think about what to pack! although, i'm hopeful that we won't be leaving the room, IYKWIM

Yes, that was me, Letty. It's getting better to read the threads over there, but what troubles me is how the waywards all the same! It brings me back to the lies and fogbabble I had heard and that is hard to forget or forgive. I keep up with a couple of threads (rainsysweet and starfish) but that is pretty much it.

Your thread title says what I need to do, it's just so dang hard

It can be difficult to read situations that put your mind back into the past. I think that's why for the most part I have stuck with Recovery rather than SAA. I do read there some, but I have conditions for myself: I have to be in the right frame of mind, to go there. If I am feeling at all blue, whether about the A or just in general, I don't let myself go to SAA. If I'm feeling strong and confident, then I will.

With time it is becoming easier to go to SAA and help.

Letty, it's good that you let the girl know why you wouldn't watch that movie. People honestly don't think about those things until it hits close to him, sadly. They don't realize how devastating infidelity really is! And you know - I think it is a lot more widespread than I ever thought.

Marriage really is in trouble. Just the other day I thought about a bunch of couples that were married right around the same time H and I were. Less than half of us are still married.

yes, RQ, it is, but w/MB, it's possible! i spent 5 years worrying, wondering, not being able to let go. i am so pleased to have found MB and really feel that we are finally getting some place. the speed bump a few months ago was rough - it's the lies that kill your M, ya know? but working the programme works. all that UA and EN meeting really does help paste it all back together, even better, like when you've broken a bone and it grows back stronger.

i do worry that reading/posting in SAA prevents me from being able to forget about the a. but i don't think i'd ever really forget. i can, however, finally forgive. and the a is only background noise now. the first year was basically just getting through each day, one day at a time. it does get better.


well, statistically, that's about right, isn't it? from my group of friends, ones that i've known a long time, most of the women, college educated, good jobs, have never married or had children. that makes me sad. i've had one friend whose husband was a serial cheat; they are divorced after a FR and another COM. one friend that was married to a total loser but is now married to a great fella. and one friend whose husband died young and is also now married to a great guy. anotheer friend from HS is still married to her H (20 years now), but i no longer know how that's going (she was the one i referenced in the fb palaver). even my sister, 7 years younger, is in a defacto relationship (10 years). they have no plans to marry (both burned before).

my Hs friends are all either still married (kiwis tend to stay married, or did), or never married but are defacto (his closest friend from kindy has been with his partner for over 35 years; they have twins aged 12, no M plans). he has one friend that's divorced: his W is now a drug-addled adulteress. he says he'll never marry again. after spending the last 6 years in and out of court, i don't blame him, but am saddened that he is resisting future happiness and love from a good woman. funny about that one. i met his XWW, girlfriend at the time, and knew from that 10 minute meeting that she was BAD news and their relationship wouldn't last. can't tell you why. just intuition. pity he didn't figure it out before the kids came along.

i am freaking out today. took H to dr appt yesterday. he'd been complaining about pain on the right side of his chest for about 3 weeks. you know how men are: no doctors! anyhow, i got him in and the doc had a poke and a prod. Hs heart health is really great: low BP and resting heart rate of 64. however, while we were there H asked (sorry, TMI?) what would make pee foamy. dr then felt the rib area some more, then wrote out a form for an xray. he wants to rule out cancer...the chest pain could be from a secondary tumor from prostrate cancer. i'm trying not to fall apart! H is adopted, so we have zero medical history for him. he's always been healthy, apart from having died several decades ago when someone turned on the power on a building site (3 day coma). however, he may have also been exposed to asbestos back in the 70s as well. am freaking out! it would be terrible to lose him, and i'm already so sorry for not having cleaned up my side of the street faster, having not kept my promise to myself to always make him glad for marrying me.

ok, enough of that before i start hyperventilating. it's probably nothing, maybe some arthritis in the ribs, or a torn muscle. but for our dr to have voiced that concern tells me it's a serious prospect and i am scared. H joked it off, saying that if he died i'd be rich (life insurance, etc). i looked him in the eye and said, "do you think any of that means anything to me without you?" and he looked me back and said, softly, "no. i know it doesn't." gah, ok, i'm going to go do some cleaning before i start crying. i'll come back later!

Exactly, I need to see how I feel before I venture there

Letty, understandable to freak out. Prayers for you two and keep us posted on your H's health.

Ditto, my friend.

X 3 Letty. I hope this is just a "scare". Let us know your H's results.

And for you having to stay strong... Come here and have a good sob and vent if needed.

Should I dare chime in here, when clearly I belong in SAA?

Here goes anyway. I found it interesting to read you guys struggle to cross over to SAA. I HAD wondered about this, but wasn't sure. Its understandable. I struggle to read Recovery. I know other Plan B'ers do too. You don't seem to find many of us here. It is hard to read other's threads, or post advice, when we never got the chance. I occasionally come over because of a friend, and also because I think I can learn MB practices here.

But I largely avoid it.

Just wanted to let you know, that you in recovery are INVALUABLE to those in SAA. Especially those that are on the cusp of recovery. You have EXPERIENCE, whereas some of us sadly don't.

Oh yeah. My three closest friends... ALL of our marriages have been effected by adultery. One divorced, one happily recovered, and one still working on it. And me on the road to divorce. So... percentages wise, less than 50/50.