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I'll email Dr. Harley.
Thanks Prisca.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Anointed, you don't have to do anything today. You see how the Plan A you have been doing lives up to it's name, the reality-bringer. You have been getting more clarity, and everything will continue to get more obvious. No need to rush to action.
I remember reading Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, and it really clicked for me. I read it when I was ready to truly accept life on life's terms, and let go, regardless of what was to come next. If your marriage is meant to grow and flourish again, you two will come back stronger together from whatever you decide temporarily.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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If I post some more clips will you actually listen? I've posted many to you. Another excellent radio clip on extarordinary precautions. Radio clip on EPs Please read this thread and listen to the clips from Dr. Harley I posted at the end. BS.....Plan C is not a planI was able to listen to this clip on my iPad. EPs nothing new there. I have told DH these are necessary to protect our marriage. I told him I don't think he is planning on harming the marriage, but I don't think he planned on harming it when he had those affairs. (I said this before it was explained not to ever bring it up again.) I struggle with that because I like to use past events and lessons to help others. The idea of never bringing it up again makes me very sad.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Thanks, BH. Yes this was a good one. I've done the questionnaires but DH has not. The email idea is great which Prisca has mentioned to me previously. We may try to negotiate that way for a while if DH decides to get on board.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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If it were my husband, he would probably say my not meeting his need for SF all these years has been his biggest concern (he said so this afternoon). If your husband would follow this program, your emotions would be motivating you to meet his need for sex, instead of you feeling worn out. See if he will listen to this clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=68There is something about romantic love that creates a special incentive to do the things that the other person needs. So a man and a woman that are in love with each other romantically -- which this person doesn't seem to value (not yet, we hope he'll get there, yes) -- if they're in love with each other romantically, your emotions kick in and encourage you to do things that you might not need yourself.
Woman become far more sexually oriented when they are in love. They are more interested in helping them out domestically; they are more interested in looking better for him. They are more interested in going to football games along with him and participating in his recreational activities.
And men, when they're in love, they're more interested in talking to her for hours at a time, to being affectionate with her; they are interested in being more honest and open. In other words, they are more interested in meeting each other's needs when they're in love.
So, the point of my seminars, and the books that I write, says, look: being in love is a big deal. It'll make your relationship really move along, and be very, very, very good for you, and all of his "utility needs" end up being met in a relationship where there is mutual love Is your husband even pursuing romantic love as a goal? Does he recognize that it is up to him to make love bank deposits so that you fall in love with him? Does he realize that if this is not working, it is up to him to find out what is wrong and CHANGE? Does he realize that meeting your sexual needs when you are not in love with him is traumatic for a woman? Does he realize that if he would succeed in this goal, your hormones would then naturally prompt you to want to be sexual with him? I sent this post to DH via email, markos. I mentioned listening to it today at lunch and he had too much on his plate. I didn't demand at all. Just said ok and went on pleasantly. That is how I know I am changing. In the past I would have thrown a hissy to get my way. I respect him and want him to be happy. Very much.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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(psst...a guy who is getting some is much easier to deal with, and to quote an old saying tongue-in-cheek: a man is like a linoleum floor. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over 'em) In addition this. Here's some more clips. Please let us know what you think. Radio clip on SF Radio clip on too much or not enough SF Segment #2These were good. My biggest obstacle to SF is feeling cared for. He has not been meeting my needs. 
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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So when I say, this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage, that is not tipping my hand or threatening to leave?
I'm so confused. I've said this before and had an apt lined up and everything. Just didn't follow through because I want the marriage to work.
The EPs I need:
1) no opposite sex friendships
2) no alone time with opposite sex
3) CC me on emails to females
4) no going out with mixed company without me
5) no traveling without me (still a little iffy on this one due to our finances and need for a better job)
6) no touching of the opposite sex unless famly (I don't like him hugging women...he doesn't do it often but it does something to me when he does)
7) no porn (we have a filter) and no movies with lots of sexual content
Any other EPs I should add?
And what does "get on board with MB" look like? He has read some of the book Lovebusters with me. He won't post here.
I want him to post here. Very much. Any to add? Should I add that DH must post here since we do not have fincances for coaching?
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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A lot of people do require participation in a marriage recovery program as an EP. I believe the online program works out to be $100 a month for a year. That's $3.29 a day. Can you find $3.29 a day for your marriage? What do you spend $3.29 on during a typical day that is less important than your marriage? Soda? Coffee? Chips? Cookies? I don't know that I would lay down the law on posting here, but I would require a plan for recovery and acknowledgment that you need help devising that and outside accountability to keep you on track until you both feel comfortable relying on each other alone for accountability. Once you can agree on that, that what you're currently doing is not working, you can discuss the options and choose one. Choosing none, of course, is not an option. 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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We really don't have $100 a month. We are going in the red every month right now as it is.
I started a new business, but it's a baby. I don't know if it will bring in income, but I'm trying.
Since we REALLY don't have wiggle room, can I make posting here an EP?
I mean it. We don't have wiggle room.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Anointed, you don't have to do anything today. You see how the Plan A you have been doing lives up to it's name, the reality-bringer. You have been getting more clarity, and everything will continue to get more obvious. No need to rush to action.
I remember reading Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, and it really clicked for me. I read it when I was ready to truly accept life on life's terms, and let go, regardless of what was to come next. If your marriage is meant to grow and flourish again, you two will come back stronger together from whatever you decide temporarily. The truth is...I've read through my thread starting in April, and it just breaks my heart. I have tried. I really have. I asked in so many ways. He has refused by his actions no matter what his words say. I am utterly distraught. I'm sitting here like a lump wanting to cry and barely able to take it in. I can't believe what you are saying is true. I love him so much, and I wanted to believe he loved me enough to do what is necessary. I can't do this for the both of us. I am completely heartbroken.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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I struggle with that because I like to use past events and lessons to help others. The idea of never bringing it up again makes me very sad. I wanted to address this. - Never talk about the past as part of an effort to resolve a conflict. Instead, talk about the conflict itself, and brainstorm solutions to it. After you think of several possible solutions, try to find one that both of you can agree to enthusiastically.
As you learn to resolve conflicts thoughtfully, all of your memories of the past will represent the time in your marriage when you simply didn't know how to care for each other. You will open up a new era in your marriage, and the past will be
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 675
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I struggle with that because I like to use past events and lessons to help others. The idea of never bringing it up again makes me very sad. I wanted to address this. - Never talk about the past as part of an effort to resolve a conflict. Instead, talk about the conflict itself, and brainstorm solutions to it. After you think of several possible solutions, try to find one that both of you can agree to enthusiastically.
As you learn to resolve conflicts thoughtfully, all of your memories of the past will represent the time in your marriage when you simply didn't know how to care for each other. You will open up a new era in your marriage, and the past will be Thanks BrainHurts. I do understand what you mean about not bringing up the past in arguing, etc. What makes me sad is I wanted to use our successful reconciliation after the affairs to help other couples going through the same thing. If I can't bring it up, then it will be hard to mentor someone. That is what makes me sad.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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I guess it really hasn't been that successful concerning MB though, so it's a moot point at this time.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
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Both people have to be on board for a marriage to be successful. My H and I signed up for MB Online last year and it was the best thing we have ever done for our marriage. But it wouldn't have worked if it was just me wanting it.
I've heard Steve H does a good job at selling MB to reluctant husbands.
My H loves our new marriage and can't imagine anyone missing out on the wonderful benefits of the reciprocal meeting of ENs and avoiding LBs, as well as instituting EPs for life. The emphasis on UA time is also invaluable.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Here is a radio clip of Dr. Harley explaining how we have to be like a good salesman. Radio clip on be like a salesperson
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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((Hugs))
Just wanted to tell you I'm a Christian wife too and I am going what you are going through, thought-process wise. Our H are very, very much alike. Thinking and acting like single men...not married family men. On the outside looking in, I would want you to do the Plan B! I would guess that if you read my posts, you would advise me to do the same. If you read your post and pretended to be a stranger, what would you advise "you" to do? Does that make sense?
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I can't believe what you are saying is true. I love him so much, and I wanted to believe he loved me enough to do what is necessary. I can't do this for the both of us. Anointed, I specifically refrained from giving advice, and said something like "you can trust yourself to do what you need to do when you need to do it." You are in the marriage today, and I fully respect that. So I'm not sure what you took me as saying that rings as not true for you. But if anything I says rings not true for you, then please discard it, because the posts that are going to help you will ring true for you.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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((hugs))
I don't know if making posting here an EP is a good idea or not. I honestly don't know.
I KNOW I made it an EP for myself, early on. It kept me focused on MB, and I learned a LOT about MB from posting. But Markos never required it of me.
It is very good to have accountability when you start this program -- and the board could help to keep him accountable.
Is posting here important and valuable enough to you that you would kick him out if he refuses? EPs are non-negotiable, and if it is an EP and he refuses, you need to be willing to stand up and enforce it.
If he posts here or not, starting the MB program and sticking with it SHOULD be a requirement.
And remember, writing Dr. Harley on his radio program is FREE. You don't have to pay for coaching to talk to Dr. Harley.
Prayers are with you, Anointed.
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