me too. not yet.

I don't think it's a good idea to let her know about this forum otherwise she will read and know what he is planning.

IMO... if she signs a post-nup, Jah should ask her to start posting.

The main issue seems to be that WW may be using Jah as a cash cow.

Remove the belief Jah is a cash cow and have her show commitment to not just the marriage, but to Jah.

Then have her post.

Thanks again everyone for your advice. For now, I think I wouldn't want my wife here in the forums; primarily because I don't want her knowing where I get lots of my advice from. But I'll see what they say with the coaching service on what they think.

BH - Thanks for the clips on withdrawal. I think that's the hard part right now, my wife is in withdrawal; as it's extremely difficult to make any love bank deposits cause she is so depressed when I'm spending time with her. Not all the time, but often, and sometimes she looks like she's ready to cry. When that happens, it's hard to keep myself calm and objective, because I just want to yell at her, "Don't you get it? This is not the right guy for you. YOu said it yourself."

As I meet my lawyer to get that post-nup set up, I was wondering if anyone thinks I should still sue the OM for Alienation of Affection. I was just about to talk about this with my lawyer, when my wife got the divorce paperwork and accepted my conditions. Now I feel like I still want to do it just because it will put a real dagger in the affair; it would give me peace of mind and maybe prevent this POSOM from ruining another marriage.

Can you do the A of A case even if a divorce isn't the end effect?

If you can then I would. I'm sure it will help to make sure OM doesn't reinitiate contact. OM are usually pansies and will most likely run.

Will your WW get on some ADs to help with withdrawal? Dr. H recommends them.

Actually, depending on the jurisdiction, the usual need is only to show (financial) damages, current or projected. JAH's lawyer fees themselves, supplemented by the varied counselling, should qualify.

Another thing, JAH. Don't be too timid in extending the suit to those who aided and abetted OM's predatory actions. College student, in a college dorm? Mommy and Daddy paying for said dorm? There may remain some untapped college funds, yet. College not providing adequate supervision of their facilities? Colleges have LARGE endowments! (Also possibly highly inclined to settle such a nuisance claim to escape very BAD publicity!)

Swing that scythe wide and free and see what gets harvested!

Yeah, check. If you take her back, legally that ought to be enough to get the suit thrown out, though I suppose you could string it along for a bit. You're taking a risk, though, re costs.

Okay, I am going to file. Let me put it this way; I don't care about the money. I'm not trying to get any money from this guy. I don't care about my own costs. I don't even care if I lose.

I will gladly pay the money to hire a lawyer to file, just so that I can put a dagger in the affair, give me some added peace of mind that he won't try to re-initiate contact, and probably prevent him from ruining another marriage.

My guess is that he will run. But the fact is that even if he stands up and tries to hire his own lawyer, and even if I lose the case, I will be happy to see his heinous actions exposed in public and the case become part of public record.

Besides, from what I read, almost all cases are reach an out-of-court settlement before actually going on trial, in which case I will have this POSOM pay for my attorney fees and stay the he11 away from my wife.

Jah-

Catching up now on your thread. Way to go my man. You are showing some great strength with the decisions you are making! I know it isn�t easy on you.

One thing on filing against POSOM. One thing you might consider before doing so is that by filing you are going to be keeping this POS alive in your thoughts every day. Your attention and focus will be partially on this POS taking away the energy to work on yourself.

I know you want to get this guy (don�t blame you one bit) as I have been there. However just keep in mind by moving forward with this, you keep him �alive� in YOUR LIFE. Might want to ask yourself what is the best area in your life to focus your attention on. And, what to NOT focus on.

Every time you bring up his name it will set both you and your W back and again, keep him relevant and alive in your thoughts.

The only way for him to disappear forever is to never mention his name again for life.

I think you are wasting your money of the lawsuit.
Your wife isnt "in love" with this guy.
She is a serial cheater.
Suing her latest affair partner is like the spouse of an alcoholic suing the latest bartender. The drunk is NOT loyal to the bartender and will just go to another bar.

Obviously, this guy is a jerk and he was after a piece of a**. Notice how HE dumped her? As soon as she talked about her husband divorcing her he more or less threw her out.
He didnt have the guts to throw her out in a straightforward way, so he did it subtly like by not paying for dinner, etc.

Thats just my opinion.

Dr. J:

43 pages in 3 weeks may be some sort of record.

All of us understand what you are going thru and certainly glad you found us here, but I think it may be a good time to sit back and take a deep breath and reset where you are in this thing.

Lawsuit is a distraction.

Three affairs in 3 years is a huge neon sign saying back off from this bad seed. Unless you are looking to be cuckholded by this woman for life, nothing in 43 pages of posts (most of them written by you) says she worth all of this effort.

This 3-hour meeting in the park was a joke. You handled it poorly. She likes your bank acct, not so much you. She successfully has make you feel sorry for her. Step 1 in HER recovery. Step 2, get back into your apartment. Step 3, business as usual which includes a coed lifestyle. Dude, I had to break up with a summer girlfriend, who I loved, 25 years ago when she went to college. Young girls and young guys in a closed environment? Are you kidding me? And the best is you are buying the beer and pot for their parties. Sorry, but its true.

Again, no kids. Great job. Young. Living in paradise with a million eligible women with class and morals. Some of us without these stats are wringing our hands in how good you have it after this woman's affairs.

I agree with NOT bringing her to the forum at this time.

IF she just wants to prolong the gravy train, then the conditions she should have to agree to to keep the gravy train should be Dr. Harley's program: extraordinary precautions, extraordinary care, radical honesty and transparency, time to rebuild the marriage (25-30 hours alone together per week with no distractions), and it should last for many months.

If she does that, then by the end of that time period, she may be in love with her husband and won't feel like he's just a gravy train any more.

Highly unlikely if the marital rel-ship is not destroyed. So don't count on that. But if your primary motivation is to wreak havoc on him, then sure.

Count me with those, though, who advise EXTREME CAUTION as you navigate this incredibly fragile recovery.

jah, this is a great strategy and I predict it will keep the OM away. Dr Harley is a great advocate of bringing lawsuits for adultert, so you definitely should pursue it. This OM is only in it for some cheap fun on the side, so raising the stakes will certainly run him off.

Thanks again everyone for all your posts. I know you are all looking out for me; thanks for reading through my long story. Is 43 pages in 17 days really unusual?

I know opinions on here have ranged from: keep your wife out of the apartment TO take her back in, have her join the forums TO don't let her know about it, file a lawsuit against the other man TO it's only going to be a distraction.

Well, I have an appointment early next week made with Steve Harley (coaching service), so I will gather all my questions, let him know the situation, and see what he thinks, and what his plan would be. I'm sure we can all agree that would be the best thing to do?

I also appreciate all the comments about treading lightly, don't be so hopeful with your serial cheater WW, and you should just divorce. My situation might sound virtually hopeless, but I have got to give it everything I've got this last time around; I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say I gave it my all. This is also an exercise for myself; I need to stop being a doormat and enabler; noone respects a doormat. So she has to earn my trust, and I have to earn her respect. But I am also realistic; each step I take, I am ready to divorce and call it quits if my wife doesn't cooperate. I'm not negotiating; accepting every condition I have set (with more coming) is the only way I'll allow the marriage to continue.

Glad to hear you have an appointment with Steve. It is well worth the $.

Its hard to be a doctor to your wife.
But thats what you have to do at this time.
You studied addictions and worked with them.

"Emotionally detach" from her chaos during this time.

You've been doing a very good job of keeping those boundaries up!

Setback today.

I was reading SAA, and I cam across that part where they say you should ask your WS daily, "Did you have any contact with the OM".

So I talked to my wife, told her that I will be asking her every day "Did this OM contact you or you contact him in any way?"

I told her that if she does contact this OM I will not immediately divorce (I had told her that before), but I will thank her for being honest, and we will find out why there was contact and what we can do about it. However, I promised her that if she ever lied to my direct question, if she told me, "I did contact him for the past 2 weeks", if I found out before she confessed, then it is automatically divorce, no turning back.

I also told her the idea that she has alot of pain and withdrawal, and it takes 3-4 weeks, and lingering up to 6 months before the pain goes away, and that every time she contacts him she starts the cycle of pain again. I told her that I cannot start showing her that I can meet all her needs (we went over the 10 EN yesterday), until she stops contacting this man.

So . . . after explaining all that, today I asked her, Did you contact this OM in any way? She paused, then said yes, she called him last night, she missed him and just talked about her day. I thanked her for being honest, told her that this is the first step to earning my trust. But I told her she cannot contact him again. We went over all the concepts one more time, and she was crying as she agreed that she does need to cut contact. She said she will be honest. She realizes the condition that I will divorce if she lies to me. I was calm the entire time.

I offered her to go to the doctor to get AD pills, but she did not want this. And that's where we are now.

My question to you . . . Now that she broke down and contacted him, the 'no contact' letter is out the door. What should I do now? Send another 'no contact' letter? How am I handling the situation? 2x4's welcome, as always.

Well for one, I'm with Melody Lane on getting that lawsuit underway. This isn't a man who is smitten with your wife, he doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned about her. I think if the going gets tough he will go no contact with HER.

I'll let the vets speak to what to do regarding your wife and her withdrawal.

I am trying to understand your thinking here. So as long as she is honest about resuming her affair, everything is AOK? Does honesty about being bad make a bad act good?

What happened to the condition of demonstrating faithful behavior? Is that all out of the window? since you will tolerate ANYTHING as long as she is "honest" that means you are ok with her resuming her affair?