Thank you HDW. I am looking into Al-Anon. Right now, I am just really needing someone to break this down for me and to tell me why it is so wrong and hurting me so much.

Hi Little I've just read your thread. You have come along way since your initial post. You have had a lot of issues to do with. You have grown and gained strength along the way.

I'm sorry you have had to face your inlaws denial about their son. It is easier for them to lay the blame at your feet for their son's addiction than to face he is an addict. Remember he is responsible for his decisions.

I'm sure by now you realise your husband's denigration of you gives him the excuse in his mind to justify his behaviour. Again he is 100% responsible for his actions.

Al-Anon has been mentioned throughout your thread, I think it would be a good idea if you could start attending some meetings, you will find additional support and may gain a better understanding of addictions that can help your personal recovery.

Your pain unfortunately is part of the healing process. You have had to face your husband's addictions, his abusive behaviour, his A and the consequences of those behaviours. His gaslighting has worn you down. You will experience the feeling of grief, loss, change, anger and resentment.

Keep posting when ever you feel low or need to vent. I'm not sure if you have been keeping a journal, but it can be healing (personally helps me) to write your thoughts and feelings. Listening to music, singing loudly, dancing around and exercising, going for a walk or a run are all good outlets. The key is to try different things and find something that works for you.

When you finally go into Plan B you will find some relief after the initial withdrawal. Having no contact with WS allows you the opportunity to focus on you and your healing. Revisit or find new interests, treat yourself (bubble baths, painting your nails etc)

Hang in there and stay strong you can do this, you will survive, just take it hour by hour, day by day. As many MBers say recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

Thank you HF66. I am going to verify the days and times where I found the Al-Anon meetings last year. I never went to them b/c I was fearful that I might run into someone that I knew/my H knew and that I would embarass him more. The verbal and emotional abuse I get from him when he thinks that I have told someone, is crushing. My fears are running me. I actually don't care who finds out anymore. He keeps up the behaviors. It is destroying our family. I need help. It is about me now. If he doesn't want to get better, that is on him. I DO. My kids need me, and I am finding these last few days that I am in such despair that I don't have anything to give. I feel guilty about that. Today is a little better. I have been able to shove the feelings down and just not think about them. I am still numb. I still feel empty. I really want to find some strength, some confidence in myself. My kids need me.

L3

Over a year ago Al-Anon was suggested by many posters. Here is a perfect way and totally anonymous.

1st steps to Al-Anon Recovery


I go to meetings IRL. There are many on-line meetings offered all over and you will be able to find them simply by performing a google search. Which one would be right for you is up to you and this is only an example. I neither endorse or oppose it since I have never participated in this particular on-line group. There are many other support groups for all kinds of addictions on the internet. Another more tailored to your H's addictions may fit better.

On- line Al-Anon Outreach


I pray this will help. You do not deserve the abuse your H dishes out. Also on the other hand you need to dig deep and find out why you have stood so long and accepted H's behavior.

I found out why I took it from my alchoholic spouse and so can you.

Never in my life again will I allow myself-with the knowledge I gained by attending the program-to engage in such a relationship similar to what I had with my XalchoholicWW.

Hope this gets you started on the recovery trail.

Dr H in one of his writings says flat out where addictions are present in a marriage the non-addict should simply run for cover. You have been at this a long time with H's gambeling and alchohol.


From the aricle by Dr. H-How the Co-dependancy movement is ruining marriages

"The care and consideration of our spouse does not leave us emotionally disabled -- unless our spouse turns out to be an addict. When it comes to addiction in marriage, my advice is to run for cover! But in marriages that do not suffer from addiction, care and consideration is not the problem, but rather the solution to problems."


Please make a committment to try one of these groups for a few months and see if YOU FEEL BETTER.

nESRE

With the exception of wayward behaviour I have never experienced verbal or physical abuse, so even though I can try to imagine the impact it has had all these years, I know I cannot fully understand. I know it is hard not to allow fear to lead your decisions, we have all experienced this to some degree, but by seeking help you will become stronger and more confident. Now is the time to start looking after you and your children.

Don't feel guilty, you need to work on your healing, little by little you will find you are in a better position to give. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel all the emotions. "Shoving them down and not thinking about them" will delay your recovery. You don't have to spend all day thinking about your feelings, even if you just allow yourself 10 -30 mins. When you feel you need to cry let the tears fall, when you feel sad maybe journal how your feeling, then you can close the book and think to yourself yes I felt sad, now I am going to do something for myself.

Your WH behaviour has eroded your confidence, you can reclaim this and be the happy confident person you were.

Hang in there and keep posting. The MB family is a wonderful place for support, its a safe place where you can express your feelings and find the support you need.

Take care

nesre & HF66, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me. I have to say that I am somewhat ashamed that I didn't follow the advice given to me last year. I know, I know, y'all hear that a lot!!!! I just wasn't ready. Looking back, I see where everyone was right. I also know that it comes in one's own time.

I WILL committ to going to Al-Anon meetings, and I will look for a group called Gam-A-Non online. I know there is a chapter in a city 3 hours from here, but not here. That is not feasible for me. So, an online group might just be what I need. Surely, one of them will help me.

It seems like a crazy dream that I could ever feel happiness again. I used to be so bubbly, POSITIVE, and confident in my own skin. I miss that me!!! I would love nothing better to get those tapes of his words that run through my brain, erased - PERMANENTLY!!!!!! It is the worst feeling not to believe in yourself and not have confidence in your capabilities, worrying when you are going to make the next "mistake."

I will keep posting. I really need to read the words from you all about how his actions actually affect me. It heals me a little each time you point out a hurt and why.

Regarding the gam anon, many go to AlAnon because AlAnon is everywhere.
They all use a 12 step program towards recovery.
You share you are afraid you will be recognized.
Just how silence enables affairs, so does fear enable addictions. A common trait that all children of alcoholics share is that when asked how they are, the customary answer is "fine." just as the spouse of an alcoholic covers and makes excuses for the husbands drinking and gambling so do the kids.
Your concern of being seen is a common concern. It's something you will need to overcome.

Don't feel ashamed that you didn't action advice offered earlier. You weren't ready last year, now you are - thats what is really important. You have made progress.

MB will help your personal recovery, you will in time find yourself again, you will be happy and his words will no longer have the impact they do now.

Focus on one day at a time, try not to worry about making mistakes, your more likely to make mistakes if your constantly worrying about making them.

Have you thought about going into Plan B as mentioned earlier in your thread. This will give you protection from his abusive behaviour and allow you to focus on your personal recovery. Start thinking about something you would like to do, something that interests you, makes you happy.

As I sat here and read your story, my thoughts took me back to months ago when my heart was broken too.

The most empowering moments of my personal recovery came when I realized that I could not control anyone but myself. Even now when things get a little rough in our R, I go to my internal happy place where I just focus on ME. Do what I need to feel good and move on with my day.

At some point when you have been hurt to the core and know you can't take any more, your H's LB account with you will be fully drained and you will be prepared to be strong. Once this happens, you know that whatever happens, you will be okay.

Leaning to feel my feelings and not trying to shut them off was also helpful for me. I mean just let them flow through you without fighting them. This is part of the healing process, much like grieving a death of a close friend or relative.

The H that you fell in love and married is now dead. Dead. He may choose at some point to come back but for now he is dead.

The pain is overwhelming but you must stand tall now for yourself and your children. Sometimes it is just getting through the next 5 minutes, then 10, then a whole day.

What you are experiencing is totally normal based on what you have been going through.

Some days I would just do 1 nice thing for myself everyday which provided a little relief.

What can you do for YOU right now?

Those of us who have experienced this know that things DO get better! I promise it will.

HDW, now, I am not really concerned with running into anyone I know/my H knows. My need for help is bigger than anything else right now. I also have gotten to the point where I know that I have to seek help, and that is more important to me than hiding his behaviors/choices. He continues to choose his wayward life over choosing his family, so he can deal with the fallout.

HF66, at this time, I am not interested in Plan B. I waited too long to initiate that. He has had over 2 years to move towards me. He has not. It really hurts that he just doesn't care about what he has done, is still doing and how it has hurt me and the children for SOOOOOO long!!

20YearHistory, thank you so much for your kind words. It is nice to read your words about "how" this is affecting me. I know that sounds nuts, but I am just so numb, I can't put it into words very well.

The pain has been overwhelming. My love bank is empty! It has been for a while, with the exception of some hope that just wouldn't go away. There is no marriage, and I don't hold any hope that he will ever want to work on it. He is just too empty for me. He has never really been in it. So, this is the best thing for me and the boys.

I am beginning to do little things for myself. I want to spend more time around some friends. I have pretty much cut everything out. Money will be tight, so I need to keep certain interests on the back burner for a while. I haven't figured out how to really treat myself yet. I am hoping that will come along.

I need to get the financials to the attorney, file, get through that, and then focus on me a little more. The kids are my main focus right now.

I hope you realize how much I appreciate you trying to help and explain all of this to me. I don't have a lot of support, and I REALLY need to hear this stuff!!!

Littlebit, how is it going? You WILL recover from this, personally, and find yourself stronger on the other side, and even more joyful (after all, the contrast of joy and sorrow is what makes joy so rich). I do think you should consider plan B. Heck, it is a lot of work to get set up, then after that it is very healing. And it gives you a lot of perspective.

Thank you JV for checking on me. I appreciate your words of experience. I can see it so clearly for others, why can't I feel that certaintly for myself? Intellectually, I can say that I should let him go. Really, I need to get out of his way, and let him go by. I want to take a different path in life. Emotionally, and b/c of the kids, well, that is another story completely.

I know that our family is already broken. I just still feel like I am going to break it more with the divorce. I know that sounds crazy, but that is how the kids are going to see it. I have talked to them, they still don't want the family to be split up.

I am getting everything (financials) together for Plan B. I have put my wants, desires, my life aside to hold on to this marriage, keep us together. I am not going to do that anymore. I want better for myself and my children. I have given him more than enough time to make the right choices. He doesn't want to. So, ok, he can live his second life. I am getting out of his way.

I followed your story, and am so amazed at how balanced and good you sound so quickly. You have strength that I don't think I have right now. 20 years with an addict/abuser/cheater really wears you down - takes your strength. I am just taking it one day at a time. I know it will get worse before it gets better, but you know what, I am actually looking forward to the day that I don't have to see him, talk to him or do anything for him. I want to focus on MYSELF and my children.

What other advice to you have for me?

Where are you in your Plan B process?

Where am I in the Plan B? I have contacted the attorney. I am having to go through years of credit card and bank statements to add up the gambling charges. This is slow going. I have copied pretty much everything I need to copy.

I have been keeping ideas of things to write in a PBL, but it is not time for that yet. I will at least write out a rough draft as that is the hardest part.

In regards to an IM, I don't know who to ask. This just seems so much to ask of anyone. I will come up with someone.

Exposure - I am mixed if I should do it at this time. I have no clue what he is up to. Passwords on cell phones, work computer password and protected to kingdome come. I put a VAR in his car, and he found it. He searches for it. Honestly, I really don't care anymore. He has never been an attentive, connected, husband. He can't be. He has too many addictions. He won't seek help, until he does, he can live the life he chooses to live out in the open. He is still going to do it in secret anyway. I do think that I will inform his brother (won't matter) and a friend of his behaviors and ask them to be there for him. Other than that, I don't want any more of it. I have told all of my family and friends and anyone who matters anyway. If something negative is said by brother-in-law about me, he will be doused with the truth by my friends. That would be fun to watch.

I thought that I would talk to my H about visitation schedule, finances and try to organize that close to the time I file so I can execute this then. He will not leave the house as many times as I have asked him. He just tells me that this is his house, and I can leave. He wants me to leave. So, he will have to leave b/c of my filing.

How does all of this sound? What other advice do you have?

Have you attended an AlAnon meeting?

I have talked to the people that I needed to talk to, and I will go to my first one on Tuesday night. I am hopeful that I will find the support that I need. I especially need help getting this crazy turmoil, his words, the hurts OUT of my head. Thank you so much for staying around to help me.

LB, don't fret to much about asking a close friend to IM for you. it's really not hard. it's very little work, really. check out the IM training thread and you'll see.

LB3

Take a look at HouseElfs last few posts posts about al-anon meeting.

nESRE

Littlebit,

This is in response to your question on the Investigate board where you asked how to tell if a keylogger was present. I left a response but then thought I'd best delete it because, well, why educate a wayward on keyloggers if they happened to see it.

Here's my response:


Another easy check is to look for the exceptions list in your antivirus program. This is a list of files that the antivirus program ignores during scans and is manually entered when the keylogger is installed.

If you have a list of files there, delete them and run the antivirus. Some may be legitimate programs, but scan to make sure.

Also do the same with Windows Defender as it has a similar list.

Alternately, uninstall your current antivirus and install a new one (Avast is a free one) and run it. Since the new program wouldn't have the exceptions for the keylogger, it should find it.

Write back if you have any questions. No guarantees, but maybe I can walk you through it.