|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
I know its late and no one is probably up, but I just confronted my H and he left. I'm shaking as I write this. He is pissed at me for snooping and is making this my fault. He won't own up to any of this and is PISSED. I know this is a normal response, but I'm hurt too.
I didn't want him to leave. You need to expose now. Can you sit down and do a Facebook exposure? Now that he's out would be a good time to Plan B. Do you have a GPS on his vehicle? I hate to say this, but he probably went to OW. I know it hurts but we can help you. Why did you confront him with your evidence instead of just exposing? Also him leaving is not a sign of remorse.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Also send him a message now saying.
"Since you did not end contact with OW and won't open your life up to me. I want you to move out. Since you have chose to leave I expect you to respect my request and stay out".
Spend your energy on exposing him and all the OWs. Then prepare for Plan B.
Can you do this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing FINE!
Don't bother exposing to the OW; she knows she's having an affair with your H. Don't confront your H about this if he returns. He also knows he's having an A. There's just no point in telling anyone directly involved, in the hopes they will own up. Expect lies and blustering.
Meanwhile, expose to everyone you can: family, friends, the friends and family of the OWs. Ask for their help in ending the A.
Plan and execute your Plan B. And remember Plan B is not to save your marriage; it's to keep you from the drama and insanity of H's ongoing affair(s.)
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
You need to expose now.
In addition to detailing the affair itself, all your friends and family must know that he left on his own, actually against your wishes, so that when he shows up at their houses asking for assistance/support, they may make an informed decision whether to aid a cheating husband trying to destroy his family. (Include that exact phrase if it helps.)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114 |
I have exposed to my family, his family, and friends. Everyone is in disbelief.
After H left last night, he started texting me. He wanted to know what I wanted and what we should do. I told him no contact with these people. It hurt me what was said to them and it was wrong. He agreed. I told him that we need to have honesty before anything can get better. We need a plan and need to stick to it.
He ended up coming home and we got to talk more. I still don't understand everything in his rationing. It's crazy talk to me and contradicts itself. We both have been hurt by As. He hasn't truly ever recovered from mine. I know this is in no way my fault for his A. Sometimes I wonder if we have been hurt too much to fix our relationship.
Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
Don't try to make sense of the rationalizing of adultery. There is none; it doesn't make sense. My FWH said after the fog lifted that he couldn't believe he actually thought what he did to rationalize what he was doing, that was so illogical it was embarrassing. I tried to make sense of it, too, but it truly was impossible.
You never had a plan for recovery after your affair. You need one now. Marriage Builders really has the best plan for recovery and restoration of a marriage. If followed, you can have a marriage that is romantic and passionate.
Recovery takes about 2 - 5 years. It's the most painful experience either of you is likely to undergo.
You and your husband need to read up on Extraordinary Precautions and agree to abide by them for the rest of your lives. I made a list of non-negotiable EPs for my H; without strict adherence to these, I would have left the marriage. It wouldn't have been safe to stay.
You would both need to agree to transparency and an integrated lifestyle.
I would sign up for the Marriage Builders Online Seminar. It costs $1000 for a year of accountability. You have access to Dr. Harley directly in the private forum, which also is a wonderful source.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Yes.
This is te perfect time to enter into plan B.
It is your best opportunity to kill the affair
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114 |
I know we never had a plan. That is one of the things I brought up last night. I told him we need to have a plan, stick to it, and be accountable to each other with out being hurtful. We both have a way of being hurtful when trying to use constructive criticism.
We leave for our vacation tomorrow. Last night when he stormed out he said he wasn't going. I think he will now though. I'm bringing my books so we can start.
I talked to his mom this morning. She said he is really upset about last night when he stormed out. She is one pushing for us to talk and really dig deep to see if we can work. I am thankful for both of our parents.
Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I talked to his mom this morning. She said he is really upset about last night when he stormed out. She is one pushing for us to talk and really dig deep to see if we can work. I am thankful for both of our parents. "Talking" will not solve the problem and will be a distraction. What needs to happen now is affair proofing your marriage. Are any of these OW married? If so, the affairs need to be exposed to their husbands TODAY. In the meantime, your husband needs to hand over his cell phone to you and make arrangements to change his phone numbers so the OW cannot reach him. He should hand over all of his passwords to email, etc so he is completely transparent. Is he willing to do all that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
It sounds like your husband will have to agree to change his lifestyle in a way that would make it impossible for him to carry on affairs. For example, if he goes out without you or spends the night apart, that should end. His life should become completely transparent. Here is how Harley describes it: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 114 |
He has changed his phone number. As for pw--not yet.
None of the OW are married. All single.
Me: FWW 35
H: BS 33
Married 2002
DD: 3 yr old
D-day: 4/10/08
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He has changed his phone number. As for pw--not yet.
None of the OW are married. All single. So he changed his phone number since last night? I am confused. And when you say you exposed the affair, when did you do that? to whom? I don't understand how you have managed to do all this stuff so quickly. And I would get his passwords That is not a negotiable requirement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
314
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,487
Members71,942
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
