Cara, I've sent an email to the mods re change of email addy

I needed some time out to gather myself. A tough time - 1st anniversaries WH & both DS birthdays, FIL & BIL birthday. Isildur and PEGI's weekend visit to our former home town where we moved for family and lifestyle and had plans for our dream home.

I spent a great weekend with my boys, DS7 cancelled his visit with Isildur, then we were dealt another blow.

My mother was admitted to intensive care on Monday with a suspected heart attack and fluid on her lungs. She had been relatively healthy apart from what appeared to be a cold/flu. She is having difficulty breathing and has only just developed chest pains, which they are not sure what is causing this. The doctors and nurses have been amazing, she is being monitered by cardiac and lung specialists, intensive care doctors and a whole team.

Its been hard facing this alone and being a solo parent. My head tells me Isildur is wayward, but the heart wishes he was here, I miss his support at a time I really need it. It really hurts that he hasn't shown any concern or offered any support even though I know deep down as a wayward he is not capable. He has only contacted the children briefly twice in a 4 day period (DD16 told him Tuesday about my mother)since he became aware of her hospitalistion.

Sitting by mum's bed watching a machine help her breathe I've really being feeling the resentment of adultery. We relocated to be a fulltime family and he has abandoned us. Now during our time of need with friends and support network so far from where we live, his lack of concern feels cruel. I know he can't show care, if he did he would then have to face his feelings and guilt. PEGI is so insecure she can't allow him to spend anytime with his family during an emotional trauma. I resent he was so weak and has allowed her to poison his view of me. He has even allowed her to change his parenting views.

I resent he supported PEGI when one of her cats was sick, couldn't drop a sales contract to our house, but is incapable of suporting our family whilst my mother is critically ill.

It was so tempting to send him a letter expressing my feelings, I'll have to be satisfied with the mental draft I did late last night.

to you happy.

How is your mother doing? Thinking of you.

That's so difficult...wanting to have your WH as a source of strength in difficult times. What I've found is, one, looking backward, he was the source of so many difficult times the balance is definitely not in his favor, and two, I've found new sources of strength.

It's like the Alanis Morrisette song, "I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me, the cross I bear that you gave to me. You oughtta know."

So...find solace in the FACT that despite the desire for his support, he actually is a source of trouble, and that the FEELING that you want him back in your life is based in the very real and legitimate fears for your mother and stress over the monstrous changes you've had to experience.

For me, all of these types of events where I look around and wish WH was there to support/experience with me, and he isn't, helps me raise the bar. Because he's created so many levels of vacuum that he would have to contribute so much back to fill it, and I doubt he'd be able to do so. I think this is what Dr. Harley referred to as the slow dropping of the love bank towards the WH while in Plan B in Surviving an affair...short term, plan B preserves your love bank, but long term, it depletes to an emptiness towards your WH.

Hope all is well with you and your family.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers for my mother and children.

Jen - Unfortunately for me I have missed my husband, our marriage and family throughout Plan B. He was a wonderful, loving, caring husband and father who I admired and respected. Prior to the A he always provided me with support and the strength to face many external pressures/traumas in our lives. I know he is a hardened wayward, unrecognisable from the man I knew and that he is not capable of providing support, but emotionally, it has been painful with my mother so critically ill and my friend/support network so far away (relocated late Apr 2011)that he has been unable to show any sign of care or support at a time when the children and I need it. I know we will survive and I have been trying to remain strong for my mother and children whilst facing this alone.

Update on mum - My mother has heart and respiratory faliure. She also has pnuemonia and as a result of an infection her kidneys are not working and she is on diaylsis. We will know in 3 -6 weeks if her kidneys will function again. She has edema (fluid in her tissues) and her liver is also struggling. Her condition has not improved and at the moment tests and monitoring by various specialist teams have not identified what is really going on. On a positive the fact that previously she has had good health and was not on any medication is in her favour.

Missing the man he was and the marriage you had shows you are human. It takes time to accept the sudden uturn a wayward takes towards everything they once valued. Especially when until the affair the wayward was meeting EN's and a husband to be proud of.

Grief is a process. It takes time to come to terms with who they were and who they are. And to mourn what you had.

I have also found that with each life experience I go through, and H isn't there, means I become stronger without him. I didn't notice it at the time, but now when I receive difficult news, I no longer think of contacting him. I no longer want to share it with him. I have developed other supports.

I'm thinking of you at this difficult time. Is there anyone to offer you support happy?

can everyone please give happy a shout out? her mum has taken a turn for the worse, and they are just keeping her comfortable at this point. the outlook is dire.

happy

((((Happy))))

just letting you all know happy's mum has passed away. on the same day, she received legal papers from isildur, reneging on their separation agreement, denying spousal support and demanding more shared custody of their littlest one :O(

this is a really hard time for happy, a double blow. please post so she feels support when she can log in again.

Oh happy I'm so sorry.

(((((Happy))))

(((Happy))) I am so sorry for your loss. May Isildur get what he deserves for his cruelty during this horrible time.

So sorry, happy, you should not have to go through with this. May your mother be at peace.

A huge thank you to the MB family for your support during mums time in hospital and her passing. Just knowing people care has helped me find inner strength. Letty your texts and emails and updating MB, Cara your emails and posts on MB, Brainhurts, Jennifervoyager,Princessmeggy, Maritalbliss, Melodylane & Askme thankyou for your support and posts on MB. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and support.

Mum's service was a lovely celebration of her life. I was so proud of my children, during their grief they supported each other and their mother. DS19 spoke beautifully at mum's service and did amazingly well ... his grandmother would have been proud. DD16 helped in so many ways prior during and after the service. My poor DS7, the loss really hit him during the service. He sat cuddling me and holding a ceramic heart the funeral home gave him and sobbed throughout the service.

Its been a tough couple of months for the children and I. They have faced so much grief, loss and change this year. It was hard seeing their grandmother so ill and connected to monitors,oxygen and dialysis, but they all tried to put on a brave face for mum. My DS19 spent the last 2 nights with me in palliative care. He did amazingly well giving mum, love, support and reassurance. We were both with mum holding her hand when she passed away.

Mum amazed the doctors and survived longer than they anticipated. I know she was fighting to stay alive for the children and I. Throughout her time in hospital the children and I remained her concern. She had been a wonderfull support re A etc and to her credit never badmouthed Isildur although she was hurt by his actions and the pain he caused the children and I. She would often say I wish I could shake him and bring him back to reality.

I am so proud of my children that throughtout all the emotional trauma they have remained true to themselves and the values they have been taught. They have shown each other, my mother and myself love, compassion, care and support. I received a card recently from the palliative care team stating how wonderful it was to see the love and support between our family and what a priviledge it had been to care for mum.

All the medical teams (cardio, respiratory, renal, ICU, HDU, PAR, Palliative)involved were wonderful and many visited mum during her final days to see how she was.... I was really touched by their care.

On a sad note Isildur offered little support. I know to show care/feelings as a hardened wayward is impossible. You can't live your fantasy and remain in denial if you face feelings or consequences. As a BS its hard to reconcile this with the loving caring husband and father he was, but for my children this has been painful. DS19 has sadly lost respect for him, DD16 has some clarity and DS7 was devastated that his father was not at the funeral service. He said "dad is mean not coming to Nana's funeral, it was important to me. I don't want to see him" Iildur didn't even ring the children on the day of the funeral, he rang 6 days later.

On a positive note my relationship with DD16 during this emotional trauma has begun to heal and strengthen. Its sad that mum's illness helped bring about a change but mum would be happy. A few MBers told me DD would one day see the truth. I was worried Isildur & PEGI's lies, manipulation and general bad mouthing may have caused irreversible damage.

Again, thankyou your support has really meant alot to me.

happyfuture, I am saddened to hear of your mother's passing. Know that your children have gone through a life event that is so very important to face.

As for Isildur? A wayward is callous to feelings. It's what they are very good at.

Good for you, to be there for your kids.

Happy you're always in my thoughts and prayers, friend.

Please give a hug to your kids from me.

oh happy, i'm so relieved to see you back on the boards! (don't worry, sent email day received.)

it is heartening, that even in her last days, your mum could bring your family together. kudos to DD for finally figuring some things out.

i hope DS18 is able to focus on his upcoming exams; has he taken his mocks already? he could apply for compassionate ... marking(?) and use those marks rather than his finals.

give DSB a great, big hug. he is a fine little man.

I, too, am glad for the update. I keep thinking of how you are getting on.

Sending more hugs to you and the kids happy.

After taking time to help my children grieve the loss of their grandmother and dealing with a few "Isildur issues" I thought it was time to post an update.

DD16 faced with the truth has given Isildur an ultimatum -his family or PEGI. His response "sure I'll leave PEGI". She called him on this and said "your choosing your GF over your children", he responded my fiancee. DD16 was devastated, told Isildur that her brothers had lost respect for him and didn't want to talk to him. DD16 told him how hurt she & boys were that he didn't attend the funeral, he replied he wasn't invited! She told him that someone close to PEGI had contacted me stating that PEGI was mentally unstable and "good luck with that" Hopefully paranoia will set in as they wonder who the "someone close" is

DD16 sent an email to MIL&FIL, SIL & BIL asking for them to please help the family and speak to Isildur re his defaulting and behaviour (particularly towards me) and the impact on the family. Sadly her grandparents replied that there were two sides to the story and they couldn't get involved. SIL was more supportive but indicated that Isildur would not not listen to her.

DD16 emailed a photo of PEGI with the caption homewrecker to ISILDUR & PEGI. Isildur responded he would take her to court for libel.

DS7 does not want to see or speak to Isildur, he is hurt and angry that he wasn't at the funeral. Isildur rang and asked DS7 "do you not want to talk to me" DS7 replied goodbye and hung up. That was 3 1/2 weeks ago and Isildur has not made contact since, in fact it is 14 weeks since DS7 last visted his father.

MIL & FIL rang a couple of weeks ago and asked DS19 if he could ring his father as he didn't know if he was welcome to ring I know they are in denial, but I cannot understand how they can not stand for their grandchildren. As I read on another thread - how despicable does a wayward's behaviour become before they can say this is not right. I had emailed MIL & FIL prior to this expressing my concern's about Isildur's behaviour on our children, so I could not believe they would place this responsibility on DS19.

SIL rang me and shared her opinion of PEGI - "you are on the mark about her" "she is cold" "she made no eye contact when she spoke to me" "didn't make the effort with my children, didn't even talk to them" "when your in love with someone you make the effort with their family, it was as if she couldn't be bothered" "when the A ends she will be cruel to Isildur, you can see the signs now" "Isildur is besotted" "she is controlling" Although it was good to have validation about PEGI, validation doesn't lessen our family's pain.

The children have spoken up about Isildur and PEGI's behaviour. She has lied and manipulated Isildur. Her insecurities about him returning home have led her to poison him against me. She has even used our children to drive the wedge between us and tried to turn the children against me. It's sad to think Isildur's addiction has allowed him to listen to the lies and allow PEGI to badmouth me to our children.

DD16 told me that PEGI said to her "your mother, I don't understand her, why would she want to take him back when he cheated, I wouldn't take a cheater back Apart from the inappropriateness of the conversation, she admitted to the adultery they have denied.

DD16 told me PEGI has a to do list on the fridge - marry Isildur in 2014 (time frame can lodge divorce & remarry) Apart from the obvious brainswashing controlling aspect, someone pointed out that this is a cruel act ... almost like a carrot to keep him hooked.

My update has turned into a novel, too many events since my last post

I am so sorry for your family loss.

So glad you have updated.

How are you doing with all this? How are your nails?

Thanks for the update.

Tell your kids good job for taking a stand. Good job, mom.
to you.