Stop speculating over possibly non-productive exposures. JUST DO THEM. You're not going to persuade your wayward to do squat. You'll need to do this on your own.

EXPOSE NOW.

You've got her number? Call that skank. And make it a good call. Let her know that you have NO INTENTION of letting her have YOUR HUSBAND. Tell her that you intend to make her life a LIVING HELL as long as she is consorting with a MARRIED MAN - YOUR HUSBAND. Explain to her that you intend to let her employers know about the bottom feeder they have hired.That you will be explaining her bottom-dragging ways to your in-laws. Let her know that you intend to go for spousal support for every day you can legally get it, and that you will be a constant in her life for the duration of her relationship with YOUR HUSBAND.

Get on it, girl.

Please read one more time.
Exposure 101

I agree, except, reverse the order of things: FIRST you should contact the company (each member of her board of directors, the General Counsel), in writing, with cc:s to everyone else so that no individual will feel comfortable not following up, to remind them that they may wish to exercise their respective fiduciary and legal responsibilities to ensure that their loose-cannon executive's misconduct, likely involving use of company resources and travel funds, etc., does not pose heightened risks for the company, its reputation and thus its finances and those of its shareholders. Then you can call her later, after that stuff has hit the fan.

Important: You don't want to warn her so that she has time to pre-spin the story to the effect that you're some kind of a crank, etc. Exposure works best when done with no prior warning. The shock-value, when the affairees realize they're no longer in control of developments, is important for helping to place the affair under stress.

An update

The morning after my WH told me our M was over my sons and I left to join some friends in the country. We had planned to go previously, but with our problems things were a bit up in the air. I explained things to our friends who encouraged me to come and bring the boys.�

The next day on July 10 he phoned me and told me that he was reaching out to me, and said that he was willing to try to work out our marriage if I was willing.�

To cut a long story short, I agreed, stayed another 2 nights in the country and then went home to him. �I was worried as I wasn't sure who he was, and worried on the long drive home if I would want him when I got there. But as I got closer to home he phoned me to talk about what was for dinner, and it was lovely as it was so normal. When I saw him I felt happy and good about getting back together.�

Of course, it had not been all plain sailing.�

First of all, from a lot if discussion with the OW, including some medication she had taken, and her habits that she has a behavioral disorder, that may also affect people like Bill Clinton, Mark Zukerburg and Charlie Sheen. Side effects include innovation and drive ( she is a CEO), but also grandiosity, inflated self esteem and negligible social and sexual inhibition. Also, she never thinks anything is her fault! Before WH asked me if I would have him back he told the OW�that he was not going to continue things with her, even though the day before she had started looking for an apartment. �Shortly after WH told me that he wanted to work on our marriage I received an email from the OW saying that I need to understand that none of what had happened was her fault, that I need to understand this for my future and hers, WHs and her kids and my kids. She also hoped we could get along and she would make sure that WH looked after me. WH told me that she had written this to send to me after he and I had broken up.�

She was also convinced that I could not forgive him and would not have him back. OW also thought that he was not being honest with me, so the morning after I reunited with WH she forwarded me copies of all their emails to each other. She had written an account of when they met and their time together, and encouraged him to do the same. His account is very painful for me as it is very descriptive of how beautiful and wonderful she is, how amazing their time together was, how he had never felt this way before.�

WHs therapist recommended that he withdraw contact from her slowly to reduce the chance of her turning nasty and potentially threatening his job. So he continued contact with her, speaking to her on the phone, 2-3 times a day.�

OW also started phoning me, but I never answered. She even texted me once to say she was worried about WH and could I let her know he was ok. It was my birthday just over a week after reconciliation with WH and during my birthday lunch with him I received a copy of an email she sent to him, asking why had he hurt her and telling him that as they had previously discussed she would be coming to our city, and he needed to take her out to dinner and apologize, take her sons out and explain and apologize ( apparently they had got into their heads that he was going to be their new daddy), and make a plan for some profitable business meetings for her company. The other thing she said was could he find a clinic in case she needed an abortion. � He spoke to her about this and she said she had an iud, and he reminded her that he has had a vasectomy. The next day she started phoning our house and threatening to come to our house if he didnt promise to sort out her children. Finally the week after this he wrote her a very short NC letter. He has had a number of phone calls that he hasnt taken and texts and emails that he has responded to with silence. He has had some professional communication with her, �but has now told his boss and a few other colleagues who will take over professional dealings with her.�

So, this week she is in town. I spent this morning in the foyer of his office building in case she should appear, as he is convinced she will hunt him down. Around lunch time he had a text and email requesting coffee thus afternoon. He has not responded but just forwarded the email to his boss. His therapist has said she may show up at our house, especially if she is drunk ( which seems to be a common occurrence).

Other issues surround our own recovery from this. WH has been severely depressed, even suicidal over the mess and pain he has caused me. Also just prior to telling me that our relationship was not going to work as he could not trust himself not to hurt me more, he told me he had still been communicating with the OW, and as he felt total honesty was necessary he revealed that throughout our marriage he had visited prostitutes, maybe 12 times in 20 years.�

All of this has been a lot for me to bear, and at times I have not done very well. One public steaming crying angry outburst where I was helped by strangers. Having a few drinks and having to leave a party because I felt too emotional during the speeches. Getting angry with him for doing this on purpose to hurt me. Him saying if I had an affair it would ruin everything for us, and my anger over that. Me not feeling secure. Me doubting my adequacy in the bedroom, and the only person I have to reassure me about this is my husband, who seemingly had the need for prostitutes and a lover.

So thats where we are at. �How to recover from it all, and over come what is still disbelief, �as well as hurt and sadness????

Sorry for the long post. Just thought I would give an update? Is there a different section of the forum to help with recovery?

Many thanks for your support!

The underlined section leaves me speechless. I'm sorry that you did not listen to Dr Harley's advice about immediate and total NC and listened instead to a "therapist" who clearly has no expertise in saving marriages.

Her responsibility was towards you and your marriage, and instead she gave you advice aimed at helping OW - the enemy of your marriage.

Is your H's boss aware that this has been an affair? Is that why they have agreed to deal with this woman? Can you remind me what is her relationship to his company? Your H will have to leave his job if she is connected to it.

From the brief read-through I did of your first few posts, I got the impression that you did not really listen to and act on our suggestions last time you were here. You used your posts to journal, rather than to learn about Dr Harley's programme and follow it. To do that is a mistake, as you can probably see from these further developments.

SoUnfair,

First of all, from a lot if discussion with the OW, including some medication she had taken, and her habits that she has a behavioral disorder, that may also affect people like Bill Clinton, Mark Zukerburg and Charlie Sheen. Side effects include innovation and drive ( she is a CEO), but also grandiosity, inflated self esteem and negligible social and sexual inhibition. Also, she never thinks anything is her fault!

So OW is in no way sorry, has no empathy for you or your children, and is also above blame and punishment because of the famous people with whom she shares a spiritual bond.

EXPOSE OW MASSIVELY

God Bless
Gamma

Unfair, you shouldn't go to the recovery section because you are not in recovery. Not even close. You are in serious danger. Your "therapist" is dangerous to your mental and physical health and I would dump her immediately.

I would go to your husband TODAY and DEMAND that he end all contact NOW. NOW. NOW. With the OW. The only thing he should send her is a no contact letter. He should block her email and phone # so she can't get through.

If your husband will not end his affair [and I mean ALL CONTACT] today, then you should either kick him out or leave yourself and separate until he ends his affair.

You are playing a very dangerous game with your life, madam.

You are making tragic and serious mistakes that will not only destroy your marriage but your mental health.

This is the ONLY communication your H should ever have with that wh*re:



here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

soUnfair.

Wow this OW sure seems determined to steal your WH and it doesn't look like she is going to let up anytime soon.


See. OW is free to chase your WH because she CAN. She has felt no consequences for her actions...so why should she stop?


Why have you not exposed to anyone on OW side? Why don't you fight this piece of trash with exposure. You have plenty of evidence that she actually sent to you herself.


WHY?

Dear soUnfair:

Is the therapist a professional, meaning credentialed and/or licensed, or a lay person?

Have or can you verify this advice with the therapist?

It seems...unlikely this advice was given by a professional therapist.

Additionally, a professional therapist acting within the scope of his or her training will not diagnose a person he or she has not met (i.e., the OW), nor accept hearsay as accurate information for the purposes of diagnosis.

If you have not verified this and can, I would.

If your husband has not been honest with you about this, you will need to find out what else he has been dishonest about.

If this is indeed the advice he got, fire the therapist.

BV

Broke vase, just so you know, this type of bad advice is the rule rather than the exception with "therapists." They are typically destructive to marriages and a disaster when there is an affair. It is the rare therapist/marriage counselor/psychologist that has any understanding of the dynamics of infidelity. This advice doesn't surprise me one bit.

Sounfair, I fear for your marriage unless you buck up here and stop allowing these infidels to roll over you. It is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler and that is all you are doing here.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to lose the "therapist" and raise holy unmitigated hell on this affair. You are under assault and will lose if you don't stand standing up for yourself.

Ok. Not sure I buy into this behavioural disorder argument but think about Sheen and Clinton. Their own behaviour disorders seemed to stop when they were EXPOSED.

Funny how shedding the light of day on things seems to be an effective cure.


You are being gaslighted soUnfair. Your WH is protecting OW.

Just posting the below for the "general health and welfare" of the board, as lots of arm-chair diagnosis is reported in various posts:

From: Ethical Principals of Psychologists and Code of Conduct (APA, 2010):

2.01 Boundaries of Competence
(a) Psychologists provide services, teach and conduct research with populations and in areas only within the boundaries of their competence, based on their education, training, supervised experience, consultation, study or professional experience.

9.01 Bases for Assessments
(b) Except as noted in 9.01c, psychologists provide opinions of the psychological characteristics of individuals only after they have conducted an examination of the individuals adequate to support their statements or conclusions. When, despite reasonable efforts, such an examination is not practical, psychologists document the efforts they made and the result of those efforts, clarify the probable impact of their limited information on the reliability and validity of their opinions and appropriately limit the nature and extent of their conclusions or recommendations.

I HATE to see anyone use googled information about a "disorder" or questionable diagnostic labels from "therapists" when making a personal or marital decision (e.g., "OP is (fill in diagnostic label), therefor, I must (or must not) do (fill in unproductive behavior)!" or "WS is (fill in diagnostic label)! I know because my friend googled it and told me! I'd love to try to recover my marriage, but I can't, because an unknown person on the internet put up a blog that had a sentence that said people with (fill in diagnostic label) can never change!")

I see posters fall into this trap all the time, especially when discussing OP.

We cannot know their motivations or intentions and it's a waste of time guessing.

We CAN however, observe their behavior and predict their behavior with a fair degree of accuracy, because their behavior will follow established behavioral principles.

The functional analysis of behavior tells us we can predict (and change) behavior if we know the function.

We know the function. The function of the OW's behavior is to get something she wants - the WS.

Her behavior can now be predicted and (potentially) changed.

No diagnostic labels required.

Sorry if this was a thread-jack - off my soap-box now.

BV

A "personality disorder" like Clinton, Sheen, and Zuckerberg? An adulterous president, a drug-addicted mentally ill actor, and a successful young entrepreneur who recently married his longtime girlfriend and by all appearances, is quite happy with her?

Oy. This therapist got her degree from clown college.

Amen. And we can observe the behavior of this skank and predict, with a high degree of accuracy, that said skank can be run off with a nuclear exposure.

As I read this thread, my heart was breaking for you soUnfair.
Yes, indeed how he is treating you and your family is very unfair.

Dr Harley's plan is very specific. Unfortunately, when the proper steps are not taken from the beginning this is the place most people find themselves. I know. I was there.

I am afraid that until you are ready to draw a line in the sand and let him fall on his own sword, you are setting yourself up for more heartache. Think the A is bad? A FR is an A x 100.

Please stand up for yourself NOW. Right this second.
DEMAND no contact. DEMAND a NC letter TODAY. Show this OW what she is up against when she attacks your family. What would you do if a burglar entered your home and tried to steal your children?

That is Exactly what is going on. You are under attack.

Do not let this progress 1 INCH further. Your H will respect you for standing up for yourself, your children and your marriage.

Expose this A Nuclear and follow the advice given to you.


What do you have to lose?

Then call the police. Have a recording device with you at all times.

When the police arrive, show them this:



Also inform the police that OW keeps calling and harrassing your family despite the fact your WH has written OW a no contact letter.

Ask them what charges you can file to keep this delusional woman away from your family.



You are sitting on gold with those e-mails from OW. I would have killed to get my hands on stuff like that.

Please read these.
False Recovery
False recovery: need voices of experience