You have done nothing wrong. The choices have been his. You had no choice but to set some boundaries...what you will and will not put up with. The only alternative would be to accept an unrepentant WH who continues to cheat and doesn't give a fig about you and the kids. That is an alternative that is not acceptable.

Continue to Plan B, employ the best fighting attorney you can and let them have at it!

Your life is not over. It is about to come to some form of resolution, hang in there, it'll get better. Sometimes we have to go through the pain to get out on the other side, trust me, I know.

I know your emotions are all over the place right now. As one responder said, utilize the anger part, it'll get you further. It's okay to cry, okay to feel down, but at the end of the day, get up and keep going! We continue to be here as you go through this. I don't always post because there are others better equipped to supply advice, but I'm here, have been all along.

So sorry you have to struggle with this, WHIP. It's totally his fault what has happened. He could have chosen a different outcome at any point.

I encourage you not to leave Plan B. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and your health and sanity is a precious gift from God. Your health will suffer for a long time, perhaps even years, if you don't carefully protect it from this hellish onslaught. Not only that, but if you allow your health to be negatively impacted, your children will not have the strong, Godly leadership that they need from you.

God will hold you up through this ordeal, and we'll do our part to help and encourage you. You're going to be ok.

WH, I would also add that your IM's, your old one and your new one, are the BEST. I helped your old IM choose the new one and you are so lucky to get her. She is the one that taught me how to IM several years ago and is extremely skilled at this. You will be in GREAT hands with her. She knows how to protect a BS in the most skillful way.

Whip, has it occured to you that this manouevre was DESIGNED to send you into a tizzy?

Designed to break your Plan B?

Don't allow this to shake you out of your plan. That's what he wants.

Your WHs MO is to selfishly look out for number one, take what he can get and to weaken you into returning into being cake that is within reach.

This manouevre is VERY transparent!


Are you seriously considering returning to being just battered cake for him to pick at?

Art of War 101: when weak appear strong.

Get to a divorce lawyer pronto and one who is tough enough to do what you need.

Start living your life AS IF WH DOES NOT EXIST

Concentrate at least 90 per cent of your strength on YOU (after you've hired a lawyer to deal with Frollo)

Plans for you. Your future life. YOU.

You did not ask for your life to be derailed by adultery, but new tracks can be made.

This is the uphill part of the mountain. Keep going.

This is exactly CORRECT. Her H does not like losing control over her and is livid that she is not reading his long winded, manipulative tomes. He wants the opportunity to manipulate her even if that means filing for divorce.

He hopes to have the chance to manipulate you in "mediation." And I ASSURE you that he will attempt to FORCE you to speak to him legally. That will be his next ploy.

All waywards do this, Whip ALL of them.

He's not a special little princess here - he's exactly like every other wayward trying the back doors of Plan B.

When things aren't going their way they throw their toys out of the crib.

If you are one of the few who end up actually ordered by a judge to be in contact, you simply go into a secret IM system. WH sends emails to your account, which forwards and deletes them.

Then the IM would either respond directly, or in the (unlikely) event that it violated a court order, the IM would filter the message, draft a response, and send it to you to send on.

This is an absolute worst-case scenario, and it hardly ever happens. And even then, you can still protect yourself a great deal from the worst of the craziness.

"I am filing for divorce because you won't talk to me"

Translation:

"I am filing for divorce because I no longer can gaslight you into being willingly cheated on. If we talk, maybe I can."

WHiP, these other amazing posters whom have already posted to you have it bang on. Your WH is trying with all his desperation to get your attention. If you break your Plan B, you will be giving into his wants and needs. Also, you went through pain and anguish during the beginning days of Plan B, do you want that to be for naught?

Stick with Plan B because it is the best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. It's heartbreaking and heart wrenching to need to go through with a D, but you will have so much support in this, and with Plan B, you will be better than without it.

You're very quiet. Please tell me that doesn't mean you're back in C with WH.

My fear as well.

No, I have not reinstated communication with Frollo.

I've been reading through pieces of my thread and going over the most recent postings by you all.

You're all so strong and encouraging! How do you do it?!

Today has been close to the worst day of this mess. Not because of any particular circumstance, just because I am so weak. So tired of fighting and so very disappointed. In Frollo, myself, my marriage, friends, in-laws, the church - everything!

I really don't like these kind of days.
Feels like D-day all over again.

Finished reading through my thread (and all of YOUR amazing posts & insights!) going all the way back to when I first entered Plan B.

Wow. I had some pathetic, terrifying days.
And then, I had some strong, solid, amazing days!

I wish all my days were the latter.

Stick with plan B, and maybe one day it'll happen.

I am soooo sorry that you are having a bad day. I am in a similar boat as you. I now know that I don't want the kind of life that my H wants. I have not plan B'd yet b/c he won't leave. I hope that since you have been in Plan B for a while, that you too have come to the realization that your WH's actions just are not healthy for you or your children. We want them to change - dream that they will, but they don't want to. What else can you do? We can't keep dreaming that they will somehow change their ways. You have to be true to yourself You can't remain in that kind of marriage. It is the hardest thing to accept that they are choosing to lose their marriage over saving it. I also finally know that while I contributed to the demise of my marriage, that it really wasn't about me. It was his inability to connect, his poor coping skills, his fears, his lack of boundaries around other women. He would have had to work through issues in a marriage with anyone else. If it weren't me, he would have done the same things being married to someone else. I hope you see that this is most likely the same with your H. I think his problems are so much bigger than you. You are powerless against whatever is driving him. I hope you can find some peace in knowing that You have to Plan B, or even divorce to protect yourself and your children from the kind of life that your H has in store for you. You deserve so much better!!!!

Are you getting the RL support you need? Are you Plan Bing Frollo's supporters?

WHip,

YOU are amazing. The bad day will leave and good ones will come.

HUGS

AM

WHIP ... Indie discussed in a thread yesterday in After divorcing about getting yourself from a buyer to a renter. I think that serves its purpose here. Many of us come into Plan B with this "Buyer" mentality, but Dr. Harley specifically states the goal of Plan B is to move you down to renter, that way you can prepare yourself for divorce if needed.

Some of us take some time to move down that path. It can be dangerous to stay at the buyer level especially after divorce and when you start dating because dating relationships need to start at freeloader and then move up.

I know for myself and all my kids I am not even close to being a renter yet. I still hold my stance at buyer tight and I think it is due to my very high need for family commitment. I am in Plan B ... I was just divorced by my WH a month ago. He spoke the same words your WH speaks today. I was divorced due to my stance against his adultery and because I exposed his affair. His divorce is his way and teaching me a lesson I should have not messed with him because he had met his "soulmate" ... they were destined to "Be Together Forever", and I am just a big ole meany for busting up their adulterous affair.

Plan B will get you there ... get you personally recovered. For you to move on with your life and choose a new mate who is of good quality, then Plan B will help you move out of marriage and down to dating. It is a natural progression as the love for your WH leaves.

Plan B for me has to be for my own protection. xWH drags me down with his life. His consequences are hitting him, and his life isn't go as smoothly as he planned. I can no longer care for him as his wife, yet he wanted me to because he is the ultimate "I want unconditional love at your expense" kind of guy.

You and I know divorce doesn't solve anything. It just makes this mess of adultery even messier. Our WH's don't see it that way. They feel it is their way to break free from us, "mommy wives", who won't love them unconditionally even when they behave badly. Their divorces are their way of solving problems the adolescent way ... it is their way of demonstrating their manliness.

The best we can do is protect ourselves from this mindset and remain out of their way. Let them reap the decisions of their choices. Trust me ... as life goes on, child support/alimony start to really pinch their lifestyles, the won't be reaping a very fun life. If they do it is because they leech off their enabling family and friends. That fantasy can only last so long.

As in my xWH case I can only imagine he thinks he is going to hook himself a real winner of a whore, without realizing, they are just a bunch of divorced women who bring their own set of baggage, heartache, and drama.

Our WH's will never get the quality of woman we are ... I promise you that ... our quality expects honesty, integrity, moral, and character ... our WH's do not have that "AS-IS" today. They will only attract the leftovers ... the ones who need to leech themselves onto a man in order to "make-believe" they are worth something.

Keep yourself protected. It is going to be a bumpy ride ... many of us have walked your shoes and we know how to help you make it through this valley.

God Be with you ... Tough~

I had to add something here, this was my situation a year ago. I broke Plan B when my WH filed. I asked him if he really wanted this...started talking again, went almost bak into a PLAN A mode...he never broke up with the OP, lied to me the entire time and had a terrible false recovery. He lied and told me they broke up.... Found out thru talking to the OP. Have been in Plan B for roughly 2 wks. AGAIN. Everyone here was correct. He just wants to cake eat. I enabled my husbands affair for another year and put myself through so much pain. If I had stayed in Plan B, I would have been healed by now. It hurts the same as D-Day. Time to lawyer up...

Please follow the adviice here. I wish I did.

Hey mason. Howareya?!!!!! Good to see your post here. You sound like you are getting much stronger!!!! YEAH!!!

Thanks, funny, feel a little better today... comes and goes.