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Thread jack. Brain, I listened to the AO clips and Dr. Harley suggests that you shouldn't give in to an AO.
My H's AOs are primarily around IBs and me suggesting that we negotiate and consider alternatives. He ends up doing whatever he wants anyway. So, what does "not giving in" look like when the AO is about something I want him to not do?
Seems like this is relevant to the poster, too.
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The answer is to draw a line.
Your husband is demanding that you give into his IB, and punishing you with an AO when you do not give him what he wants: the freedom to do whatever he wants at your expense.
Dr. Harley says these AOs are a deal breaker. How do you not give in to an AO? Draw a line. Either he gets his anger under control, or he's out.
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What does IB's mean? I have the list printed and can't find IB on it?
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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What does IB's mean? I have the list printed and can't find IB on it? Independent Behavior Here it's one of the love busters Independent Behavior
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thread jack. Brain, I listened to the AO clips and Dr. Harley suggests that you shouldn't give in to an AO.
My H's AOs are primarily around IBs and me suggesting that we negotiate and consider alternatives. He ends up doing whatever he wants anyway. So, what does "not giving in" look like when the AO is about something I want him to not do?
Seems like this is relevant to the poster, too. He says to not tolerate AOs. You do not do what the person who is having the AO is demanding of you. You leave, separate and report it to the cops. Are you saying that the only way you can stop your H IB is by having an AO?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Also please listen to this clip about love busters. Radio clip on love busters
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thread jack. Brain, I listened to the AO clips and Dr. Harley suggests that you shouldn't give in to an AO.
My H's AOs are primarily around IBs and me suggesting that we negotiate and consider alternatives. He ends up doing whatever he wants anyway. So, what does "not giving in" look like when the AO is about something I want him to not do?
Seems like this is relevant to the poster, too. He says to not tolerate AOs. You do not do what the person who is having the AO is demanding of you. You leave, separate and report it to the cops. Are you saying that the only way you can stop your H IB is by having an AO? No, I think she was saying he has AO's over his IB. i.e., he wants to do it, and if she doesn't approve, he has an AO.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thread jack. Brain, I listened to the AO clips and Dr. Harley suggests that you shouldn't give in to an AO.
My H's AOs are primarily around IBs and me suggesting that we negotiate and consider alternatives. He ends up doing whatever he wants anyway. So, what does "not giving in" look like when the AO is about something I want him to not do?
Seems like this is relevant to the poster, too. He says to not tolerate AOs. You do not do what the person who is having the AO is demanding of you. You leave, separate and report it to the cops. Are you saying that the only way you can stop your H IB is by having an AO? No, I think she was saying he has AO's over his IB. i.e., he wants to do it, and if she doesn't approve, he has an AO. Gotcha, thanks markos. Dr. Harley says never to give into the demands of the AO. You need to leave. I did post some great clips on IB on your thread. Hope they help.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have told him what his anger does to me, for years and years. We talked aobut it in marriage counseling when we first went like 8 years ago and the counseler said it was my responsibilty to not react. fine but that also gave him an out to not have to change andhe didnt. I told himthen I was worried about how he would be with the kids and yell at the kids and such. The counselor said he wouldnt. Well here we are with 2 kids and he yells at them and swears around them and at them and its horrible. It makes me yell and get mad at him and then it just spirals out of control. We both end up yelling. I just want out. Please stop your AO also because this is not healthy for your kids. Please listen to this radio clip on AO. The Harleys play an AO and it will give you chills. Dr. Harley says AO are deal breakers. Radio Clip on AOs Some excellent radio clips on AO. Radio clip on AO Another radio clip on AOI was unable to listen to the clips. I will keep trying to figure it out. I know I need to stop my AO too and know they are manifestation of my pain and depression and situation and I just blow up sometimes. :-(
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We have 2 small kids, I just cant leave. Why? And for him to leave he wont. I mentioned a separation tonite and he said no. Really he doesnt see anything wrong with anything. He has no reason to leave. Everything may very well be all fine for him. What he needs to see is that it is not all fine for you. How do we sign up for marriage builders? Is it just theonline program I see on the website? Or is there still seminars we can attend? You can contact the Coaching Center. Steve Harley is real good at getting through to stubborn husbands. You can do the Online Seminar and Home Study ProgramOr you can do the Online Program. They are no longer doing the weekend seminars. You can also contact Dr. Harley for free on his radio show, either by email or calling in. We are readig Love busters right now. He is trying tochange but its not enough. he wont change. I dont think I can change at this point either. :-( What is he doing to try to change? I have told him what his anger does to me, for years and years. We talked aobut it in marriage counseling when we first went like 8 years ago and the counseler said it was my responsibilty to not react. That counselor was DEAD WRONG. Dr. Harley would say that it is your husband's responsibility to not abuse you. Of course you are going to react strongly to being abused. You are only human. I cant leave because I have nowhere to go, no money, no family. II cant bear to uproot the kids it would be too haarrd on them especially my one with aspergers. Id rather be miserable than expose them to being uprooted and not understanding. He does think everything is fine in our marriage and is happy with how it is. No sex, no love, no intimacy, no communication, no nothing. He would be happy with this forever until we die. I am dying right now living this way. But the thought of having sex with him or doing things with him or kissing him or talking to him is unbearable to eventhink about. Even if we were perfect I dont think it would satisfy me. A lot would have to change with him and me and I dont know if its possible. I dont know what he is trying to change except for the AO. Those have reduced but there is still nothing else between us and im sure thats mostly my fault because I dont want anything to do with him really. Its so sad.
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The problem is...if you keep on doing what you're doing, you're going to keep on getting what you're getting.
My H also never had any reason at all to live up to the kind of man he could have been all these years. I never held him accountable. By allowing his poor behavior, I allowed him to continue to be the kind of man he became for many years.
If you follow MB, your marriage has the best chance of survival. Of course, following Plan A and Plan B is risky, but what's the alternative? Doing what you've been doing? Being a doormat? MB is not about being a doormat. It's not about marriage at all costs.
Marriage Builders is about building a great marriage, which will take both of you.
If you follow the MB plan and end up going into Plan B, your H will either become a better man and return to the marriage to build it into a good one, or he won't...in which case you will have lost a bad marriage.
I know it's scary. I didn't have my own income for many years, lived overseas during the time our marriage declined badly, and felt completely impotent to make any changes. However, if I had followed MB way back then, it's possible our marriage could have changed for the better years ago, instead of having to live through some awful times for years. I wish I had MB back then. You have a good plan to follow. Fear is natural, but courage is required.
I also encourage AD meds. I took anti-anxiety/depression meds and they began helping within a couple of weeks. It shouldn't make you feel strange or different in any way, except that your mind works better and makes you feel a little better, lifting the darkness of depression. It changes the way the synapses work. It was great. Used them for a while and now have been off for almost two years. Some people need only a tiny dose to start the better cycle. so this plan A and B stuff do I have to buy the online seminar to get the scoop on what that exactly is and learn what to do? I know in general but not step by step. I did go to my doc for meds but havent taken them yet. I am so afraid of the side effects. I gained 35 lbs, couldnt stay awake, had tremors, horrible night sweats, numb to all emotion. I would almost rather be this way. I dont know which is worse!
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I dont know what he is trying to change except for the AO. Those have reduced but there is still nothing else between us and im sure thats mostly my fault because I dont want anything to do with him really. Its so sad. You don't want anything to do with him because of the AOs. Nothing will get better until he completely eliminates the AOs.
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I cant bear to uproot the kids it would be too haarrd on them especially my one with aspergers. Id rather be miserable than expose them to being uprooted and not understanding. Uprooting them would be better than the abuse they face right now.
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so this plan A and B stuff do I have to buy the online seminar to get the scoop on what that exactly is and learn what to do? I know in general but not step by step. It's all here: When to Call it Quits, letter 1
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I just wanted to mention that if your having trouble listening to the clips to try updating your flash player at adobe.com that will often fix the issue.
MNG
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I just wanted to mention that if your having trouble listening to the clips to try updating your flash player at adobe.com that will often fix the issue.
MNG Actually I discovered that you have to pay to be a member to listen to the audio clips. oh well.
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You don't have to pay to listen to the ones posted to you on your thread. You might need to update software, though. I have not paid and I can listen to them.
If the meds had strong side effects, then try a different one. I was on a very tiny dose and it worked great. No weight gain or tremors. Sometimes you and the doctor have to try a couple of different meds. They really can help and only have to be for a period of time, not forever.
The MB Online Seminar is for couples in which both spouses are completely on board with MB and want accountability while they are learning the program and putting it into practice.
Read the articles that were linked for you and you will learn a great deal about Plans A & B.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I dont know what he is trying to change except for the AO. Those have reduced but there is still nothing else between us and im sure thats mostly my fault because I dont want anything to do with him really. Its so sad. You don't want anything to do with him because of the AOs. Nothing will get better until he completely eliminates the AOs. There is more than the AO. They are probably the largest part indeed but its also more than that. His AO also come out in the behavior of negativity, insulting comments to others, complaining about things, hipocritical nature, criticism of everyone and everything. Also, total lack of caring about my needs. None of these have stopped except the actual "yelling" of the AO part. How do I get him to understand that his negativity has killed me. Also, even if he were to stop the AO and negativity how do I get over the past to even try to allow myself to receive and enjoy what he is trying to give me? For instance he tried to initiate sex the other night and I just couldnt do it, the feeling of him touching me and the thought of what I was going to do was so awful I told him no. Not in a mean way but just no, its too awkard and Im not ready. He didnt understand. I just dont see our sex life ever being a part of our marriage again. he has semi ED but wont get help for it and its embarrassing. Ive tried talking to him about it but he is in denial. He is very heavy and I just am not attracted to him and dont see that being a part of our life unless things drastically change. Ive asked him to workout with me but he says he doesnt know how or he is too shy to go. I just see it as hopeless.
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Is it possible that he masturbates? Masturbation can be accomplished secretly in just a minute or two.
That's what caused ED in my H. Once he stopped and learned all over again how to be a good lover, no more ED.
He lost weight and looks very good, so I am attracted to him again.
Is your H open to Marriage Builder concepts?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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