Hello everyone,
I know it's been a month since the last update. It's so busy, you know? I guess when you are in plan B with lots of free time and needing support, it's easy to post multiple times a day. Once in recovery, you spend lots of time getting that '15 hours a week' time together with the spouse and learning more and more about all the marriage builders advice.

We stopped meetings with Dr. Harley. As he said, we are finally at a point where we understand what happened, and can now move on with the marriage builders course. So now we have a new counselor, and we are working on the actual marriage builders course.

My wife still tell me daily, "I have not contacted OM since the last time I talked to you." She tells me that daily, and has missed only once in the past month. I even suggested she go to telling me weekly, but she insists to do it daily.

I still snoop on her phone, track locations, email, internet, website, etc, but there's nothing out of the ordinary. When she found me snooping once (saw me looking at all her past websites), she actually encouraged me and said I should do what it takes to keep track of her and that she has nothing to hide. We also regularly go over her 'protective measures' plan.

I also got a new pediatric job in my home island! So we are leaving Honolulu for my home island, away from the OM and the temptations of college. SO it's very busy moving all our stuff and preparing for my new job, starting late September.

THank you again everyone for your help! You are amazing.

Bravo to you! Thanks for the great update.

Congratulations, Doc!

Your call, of course, but you might want to update this epilogue:

D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012

This seems to give primacy by virtue of chronological proximity to Plan B.

So glad for the positive update.

Good job Mr. & Mrs. Jah.

I gotta be honest with you jah, I didn't think your sitch stood a chance in hell of getting any better. I can't recall anyone on this board being told more than you to cut your losses and seek life elsewhere. I really can't, and as I'm sure you recall, I was on that bandwagon as well. Vehemently.

But you didn't. You stood your ground (not just to her, but us as well) and held up your end of your marital contract and did everything possible to restore what pretty much all of us said to chalk up as an awful mistake and move on.

You certainly have my respect and congrats on the progress.

PS- I would also start considering introducing your wife to the board sometime in the near future. Maybe not right now, but sometime soon. I think it would be a tremendous help in your recovery. She needs to learn a few things about what marriage really is about, and what better place is there to do that than here.

ETA: Not to be a downer, but keep watching her [censored] like a hawk. I'm still not completely sold. Pretty danged sure you're not either.

Congrats JAH. Thanks for the update. Maybe we'll meet your wife someday here in the forums.

In case you had trouble deciphering NG's post quoted below, I grabbed my Jersey Theshorus and will interpret it for you.

He's just pointing out your signature line seems to still indicate you're in Plan B and you might want to update it. lol

Mr. W

...I grabbed my Jersey Theshorus...

Touch�, MW - subtle, yet appropriately topical, with a dash of humor!

way to go jah! i'm so happy for you. and congratulations on the new job!

keep working the programme!

Thank you everyone again for your encouragement.

Yes, maybe my wife can join the forums at some point. However, maybe I need to give it a little time. When we were just starting recovery, including meetings with Dr. Harley, the whole 'policy of radical honesty' required that not just she tell the truth, but me also. So when she asked where I got all this ideas about exposure and 'Plan B', I told her that in addition to the SAA book, I got the encouragement from the forums here. Of course, she was pissed about it, especially the exposure part.

She has come to a point now where she realizes why the exposure was necessary, and that I did it to save the marriage, and she does not argue or get upset about it anymore. It probably also helped that her true friends kept supporting us and our marriage after the exposure, and her 'fair weather friends' stopped contacting her. Good riddance, is what I say, and she agrees.

This may seem like common sense to you, but I did pose the question to Dr. Harley if continued snooping is okay, especially the type where I don't tell my wife (breaking the policy of joint agreement AND policy of radical honesty). He said it's up to me, but in general he feels that telling her would defeat the point. So yes, I am still watching her like a hawk and snooping on her. But it's hard to keep it up when she tells me things like, "Yes, please check up on me. Do what you need to so that you can feel secure. I have nothing to hide, ever again." She never gets defensive. So I take that as a good sign. But I still snoop anyways.

Anyways, just wanted to give a short update. Thanks again everyone!

jah.

Thanks so much for the update.

Thanks for the encouragement, jah, that your WW eventually saw the exposure was necessary.

hi jah. so glad things are going well.

generally, it's a better idea to say that the idea of exposure comes from dr harley, a widely-respected expert in marital recovery. after all, that IS where it comes from. this tends to be more palatable than a bunch of strangers on the internet, even though we, and you, know that the forum promotes dr harley's principles.

also, dr harley says that snooping, or "trust, but verify," is the one time a BS does not need to adhere to POJA/RA. so don't feel odd about that. i'm glad you're doing it.

keep up the good work! glad you pop in now and again for an update.

Another one chiming in to say glad things are going well, and thanks for the update!

Jah.
You may want to start a new thread in Recovery forum

Jah, I've been following your thread, and I would really love an update. I have a very similar situation so I it would be usefull to me to see how you are doing.

Okay . . . one more week and my wife and I will be back on my home island with a new start.

Things are still going great. I'm a little embarrassed to say that my wife is now promoting Dr. Harley's principles more than I am. Sometimes I forget to tell her about plans that I made for us, and she reminds me, "We need to keep open and honest. Policy of Radical Honesty, remember?" And whenever she makes a suggestion, she says, "I'd like to do ..., but what do you think? We have to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement."

Actually, POJA is one of our favorite words now, we throw it around pretty often from mundane things like grocery shopping and choosing a restaurant, to bigger things like should we ship the car or sell it and buy another one. If we can't agree on something, we save it for later.

She even started counseling a close couple friend of ours about POJA and the marriage builders concepts, when we found out they were getting into arguments. Kinda funny how she is that active in the program, but I have no complaints.

Regarding the affairs, she still tells me daily that she has not contact the OM or any man for that matter, since the last time she updated me. She hasn't hidden or changed any passwords, and she encourages me to keep checking on her because she has nothing to hide. She also gives me her schedule and keeps me updated, so that even when we are apart, I know where she is at all times.

I know it seems amazing how well things have worked out, and it's only 2 1/2 months since her 'no contact' letter, but I'm very pleased. Of course, from time to time I will go silent with sadness, and admit that some event/date/object reminds me of her affairs, and she looks at me sadly, hugs me, and apologizes. But these moments are getting less and less frequent. Dr. Harley has said the worst of it is the first 3 months, and then up to 2 years to fully recover. After that, you don't forget what happened, but the affairs also don't affect you any more.

We also have occasional arguments from time to time, but they seem to last much shorter than they used to. We seem to figure something out, and the arguments help us to keep learning about each other anyways.

Oh yes, I also forgot, one big thing is about three weeks ago we had our 'anniversary renewal of vows'. We had a minister reread our vows in a simple beachside setting. She teared during that one, and we consider ourselves starting new now. She will also go to reconciliation (Catholic for confession), so that she can be at peace spiritually too.

That's about it for the updates. Next time I write I'll be at my new job. Do others agree that I should move this thread to recovery? If so, how do I do that? OR should I just start a new thread there?

Thank you again everyone for helping me get to this point! For those that are still working hard to get their spouses out of the fog, keep going! Don't give up! There is hope . . . and I'll keep you in my prayers.

That is very good.
Are you both active in the church?
That is a very important part of life

Make sure to keep checking up. She has encouraged you to do so, so go right ahead and do it.

It's wonderful to see that you two are doing so well!

This is wonderful, jah. I am so happy that your fww is doing whatever it takes and is taking such an active role with the concepts. There are so many if us in recovery who are still struggling with getting our ws's to read about them, let alone implement them.

Good luck with your move!

way to go jah!

just hit "notify" at the bottom of your post, and ask the mods to move it to recovery. you can change the thread title if you wish.