Gamma,

I do not think that woman/woman relationships are completely safe anymore. They may never have been. I certainly think the next generation will have to worry about emotional needs being met by anyone. We live in a town that well known for it's homosexual population so I am sensitive to this topic.

Raven has a great letter

black_raven,
I get your point. Just send a letter with the facts as little as they are and give Mrs. Sleazy a chance to know.

My WW does not work with OM but still works in the same business as the OM. It is a small world so they have the chance of running into each other. If she looks to change jobs she would have to make sure he is not working there. If she went on a business trip there is a very small chance he might be sent to the same conferences/meetings. She does not do travel much but I will go when she does.

The letter can be worded a little stronger with a few more details like the restaurants they went to...if you know as well as dates or a date range at least. On top of sending the letter, I would ask your WW for a poly. You can tell her that you want some peace about the extent of her affairs and she how she reacts and if she offer up any additional info. However, before you do this you can put other measures in place like a keylogger. What sort of transparency do you have with WW? What EPs do you two have in place?

Anything alarming in cell phone bills, emails, unaccounted time? Sorry you have to deal with this Lunchdate but you want to get to the truth now vs limping through a half baked recovery.

A couple people have asked about protections and her accountability. I have not added any keyloggers or gps. None of this would have detected the affair. The only thing that might have worked was a wiretap in her office.

The affair took place at my wife's office and was consummated on a business trip. Communicates happened through her work mail, which I do have access to upon request, but most communicates were in person. Looking at the old message traffic the red flag was that she e-mail with this guy a lot. All of the e-mails were work related with a very few red flag messages. She would write to him in the middle of the night when she could not sleep and was working from home. The personal extent of the messages would be "could not sleep so I am back to work" and would have some banter about what she was working on. He would respond back in the morning acknowledging her message and respond to work stuff. Like I said, it was the frequency and hours of the messages that told the story.

She was working a lot of hours then. Now she just puts in 40 hours. I call her during the day. She doesn't always answer because she is in meeting but she gets back to me. I stop by her office unexpectedly a few times a week to give flowers, switch cars, or have spontaneous lunch dates. She is not taking any business trips without me.

Now, other then her time at work she is always with one of us (me or the kids) so there is no unaccounted time. She cannot even go to the bathroom without one of the kids joining her.

I agree! It would be good to alert the wife of this man. And as Black Raven noted, more specific details can be added where desired. Whether labeled as an EA or not, it was inappropriate at best.

LD-

I think you should contact this guy trolling for a lunch date and end his fantasy directly. Id let him know your next call is to his wife. Your wife was game for lunch dates at one time as you know.

I think the threat of telling his wife as well as your call is enough to scare him s-less.

Added to the letter:

Dear Mrs. Sleazy,

I am sorry to have to contact you about this but I thought you should know of your husband's inappropriate behavior with my wife. My wife worked in the same office as your husband at Company X. The two of them "flirted" and have gone to lunch at least six times. These lunches took place approximately Month 2011-Month 2011. (Can insert other detail like: They may have eaten at Restaurant X and Restaurant Y).

Your husband commented on her looks a lot and brought up stories about a lunch time affair he had known about where a couple did sexual acts in a car in the office parking lot. He encouraged her to wear skirts and that she should shorten her skirts. She was very flattered by the attention and did not tell him to f'off. I am not sure if anything happened beyond "lunch."

The other day (you can be more specific with exact day if you remember), my wife ran into your husband at ABC grocery store and he asked her out for lunch again. I am sure you can see why I would be alarmed by their exchanges. I thought you should be aware of what has transpired so you can take measures that your husband is not approaching my wife or other women for lunch dates or "dates" in the parking lot and protect your marriage.

I know you don't not know me but I would never have contacted you if I did not think this is a serious and dangerous situation to our marriages and families. I have # young children with WW. I will not be telling my wife I contacted you so she doesn't contact your husband to come up with a cover story. If you have any information about their relationship, I would be grateful if you would share it with me. If not, I hope you do some independent investigating on your end. If you outright confront your WH, he will likely lie or downplay his relationship with my wife. I can guarantee you, it was not light hearted joking or I never would have contacted you.

You can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Regards,

Lunchdate

ETA: You should ask the mods to move your thread to SAA where you will get more traffic. Until you have the truth, this isn't Recovery.

I would not confront Mr Sleaze untill after exposure to the wife. Threats don't work. Exposure is powerful. You can bet he will be scared sh-less if his wife blasts him. OM confrontation can wait as it gives too much opportunity to ruin exposure effectiveness and shows your hand.

Lunchdate,

Does your WW still travel with her job? Do you have anymore nights apart?

She will not travel with work anymore unless I go with her. Over the past year the she has only been away from me overnight when I was angry. Sometimes I told her to leave, other times she left to get away from me.

It seems men say I should confront the man and the women say I should inform the wife. I think that confronting the man would serve my personal purpose. It may even be why my wife told me so I could defend her.

Before my colleagues give you gentle advice about maintaining control over your temper, I wanted to address the question of confronting OM vs exposing to OMW.

What hard evidence do you have that OM did anything improper? Electronic notes? Phone recordings? Video evidence?

Let's assume that I am as fully convinced as you are that your wife was the recipient of unwanted approaches from scumbucket. Still, I would have to inform you that OMW will be as rightly convinced that her husband is being set up by a woman whose history shows she was engaged in this type of behaviour before. And then this whole situation degrades to a "he said/she said" unsolvable mess.

So, if you have something objective you can lay on the table, expose to OMW. If not, you'll be pulling the trigger with no powder in your cartridge.

You do not need hard evidence to confront OM. He knows the truth to your allegations. He also will be unsure what level of "crazy" you are willing to go to in order to protect your marriage.

Would you want someone to tell you if your WW was hitting on OM and trolling for dates?

I do not see what truth I am missing. I am guessing you are eluding that Mr Sleaze may be a current affair or was more than I knew. Mr Sleaze obviously enjoyed my wife enough that he would like to keep trying. My wife does not have energy to do anything but be a great wife in order to keep me in this marriage. Our home and family take a lot of work from both of us.

NeverGuessed,

I agree. I have no hard evidence. Just what my wife (the cheater that she is) has disclosed to me.

So what would you say to OM?

If it was reversed and it was your WW hitting on OM, would you want to be informed?

Also please listen to this radio clip of opposite sex friendships in marriage. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip at 7:35 mark of opposite sex friendships

LunchDate,

Perhaps before you do anything, you need to get a polygraph for your W to determine what else she is hiding.

Is your W's business one where cheating is just part of the culture?

God Bless
Gamma

My wife justified her guy friends for years. She no longer has this perspective. She understands the risk she took and the damage she has done to us. Now we just have to figure out the details of behavior that needs to change.