KGAA, I would strongly suggest you stay over in the Surviving an Affair forum so folks can help you recover your marriage. This forum is more for couples who have not experienced affairs.

To answer your questions, yes, your 8 year old should be included in the discussion about the affair. The kids should be told about the affair, who it was with and why adultery is immoral. Tell them how very hurt you are about the affair. You can explain to them that the OM is married and his wife is very affected too.

To answer your second question, it is very important that you follow the program as outlined in the book Survivng an Affair. You should also get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love, which has all the worksheets in it. [they sell this cheap on this website]

Most couples do not survive from adultery because they don't follow the necessary steps to create a BETTER marriage than they had before. In order to recover, you have to replace the bad marriage with a GREAT MARRIAGE. If you don't do that, you will end up with resentment and bitterness and your marriage will be more vulnerable to an affair than it was before.

I will post an outline of the steps in the next post.

Dr Harley in Requirements for Recovery:

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip unrelated>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

First off I'd like to thank anyone who responded to my previous post(s) regarding my wife's recent affair. In a nut shell it was ongoing for about (4) months, it was discovered and I went through hell for the past 2.5 months learning the details of this horrible event. I was most thankful to find this site and the help it provided when answering the tough questions anyone has when in so much pain. I have listed what I have done and am looking for any feedback on where to begin, what to focus on ect...

1. Discovered full extent of PA approx. (4) days ago. Began receiving the "trickling truth" for about (2) days from WS.

2. EXPOSED - to wife of affair partner, his parents, my parents, co-worker of WS and other family members. Kids also told today (very tough) on them.

3. POLYGRAPH scheduled after I was unsure if I received the total truth about affair details from WS.

4. POLYGRAPH taken and PASSED by WS.

5. NC letter being drafted and sent to OM and wife.

I feel my wife and I are at the point to begin our recovery. I have read from other posts that the book entitled Surviving an Affair is to be our first read? Also is their a workbook that we should follow? I want to get into the next stage of what we should do and the best possible plan for recovery.

Also I found that during this affair as I was discovery the details, my WS would use land line telephones and/or public phones in order to make contact with the OM. Does anyone have any suggestions on how this can be monitored? WS knew I was watching her cell phone after I first discovered they were talking. I know this is water under the bridge and I need to focus on recovery, but it still remains in my mind as something that I had no way of watching.

Thanks for all replies

We have combined your thread from MB101 so you can keep them together.

Did you read my posts? I took alot of time and effort to make those posts and I would appreciate a response. If you aren't going to read them, I won't post anymore.

Where do I send my address to. Thanks

Address for what?

KGaa12,

Does anyone have any suggestions on how this can be monitored?

It might be too late to negotiate this, but you could ask for periodic polygraphs as a catch all.

It's not water under the bridge yet that will take time, her affair with OM was an addiction and like any addiction can recur.

You've done a good job rather quickly of killing the affair and getting the truth, by taking the fight to the OM you have reduced the chances OM will contact your WW at anytime in the future. However you should get a list of OMs business, personal etc contacts for more widespread exposure should he contact WW again.

God Bless
Gamma

KG-

I spoke to the kids with my wife in the room, "mommy and OM had a very innappropriate relationship and hurt a lot of people including OMW and (their kid, both of whom we were close with). She acted selfishly and has made a lot of mistakes. We have already started to work out our problems and get on a path to recovery. We will never see OM family again. I need to you to forgive mommy because I have."

We were very close to OM's family for years and this was a very upsetting thing for my kids. They have not mentioned OM's name or his baby's name since that day.

The way you handle this (and by default, how you wife your wife follows thru on the MB steps) is how your kids can come out of it.

I had to be told my my mother on a few occasions that my occasional moments of depression were being noticed by my children. So I stopped them.

Be the hero, dude.

Quite simple for me at this point. I worked extremly hard to expose her affair and is has sucked the life out of me. The details and extent my wife went to to be with this OM have me beleiving that she has lost her love for me and would run to him if things werent such a mess. WW says she loves me and admits to her wrongdoing. She is now crushed to see her family treating her different and her kids in tears....i have told her i love her and we need to work on repairing our marriage. She agrees. I am just having such a hard time wrapping my head around someone that "loves" you and took part in such a deep hurting thing. I dont think she could ever have a relationship with the OM..but i could see her calling him over the next weeks or months. One thing i learned as a result of this is that you cant control everything...Does anyone have any insight on what to watch for or statistics on how many WW actual do recontact and relapse?

That wasnt your wife doing those things. It was an insane, selfish, and destructive person who no longers exists because you were able to stop the things she was doing and replaced them with things conducive to a strong marriage. And, while doing so you laid precautions for BOTH of you so that she has no reason to seek out this this a-hole.

My wife was in a Long Term Affair and if I spend time thinking about the amount of alone time they had over the years I'd go crazy like you are. Wrangling with the thoughts of how I must have meant little to nothing to her while she did this is a fools game that one year later I learned to stop doing.

Our wives are saddled with this for the rest of their lives. Pity them while you show her how stupid she was for doing it by being the best, most attentive H you can be. Understand what she needs that OM gave her.

What she does going forward is what matters and my wife has done nothing after dday to make me think the time with the other guy was anything but a mistake, a long term effing mistake.

She is in year 2 of making up to me the time she spent with him.

I made it clear, to answer your last question, if she made any contact in any way, shape or form, to her OM then its AMF. Me and kids are gone. No debate necessary. I monitor still her emails, cell phone (which we changed numbers), and etc. She made a fool of me but Im not a fool anymore. She tells me where she all day by text and has given me no reason to doubt her.

Put in the precautions to protect yourself. Post nuptual agreement specifying another affair is a goodie. Theres a ton of stuff on here to help you get more security for yourself. Go find it.

Thanks for the encouraging words. Its hard to deal with the pain of the actual affair when ur trying to secure your wife. I originaly thought of relocating right out of town, but she didnt like that to much...this OM is a sweet talker and a friend of my wifes past. This was the second affair that we know of...btw which i also disclosed to his wife..again thanks for the advise..

KGaa12,

This was the second affair that we know of...btw which i also disclosed to his wife

You need to contact the OWH from the first affair, one more force you can bring to bear on OM, one more stone on the GO board to encircle OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Dr. Harley recommends moving when recovery is hindered. I would look into this if either OM lives close.

Just to make it clear it was the Om had an additional affair...not my wife. We r excited to work on recovery, but its been a tough road thus far...wife isstarting to try and mend relationship with our kids, kids tell me their not sure how they feel toward mom. I would like a few more measures in place for NC ever again with OM. I exposed pretty heavy...we r awaiting the surviving an affair book and she is still seeing her therapist Only for working on her personal issues ect..i agree MB is far better for our recovery and affair related issues. I was planning on changing her cell phone number and also calling OM wife and requesting OM BE changed also...any insight....insight

Just to make it clear it was the Om had an additional affair...not my wife. We r excited to work on recovery, but its been a tough road thus far...wife isstarting to try and mend relationship with our kids, kids tell me their not sure how they feel toward mom. I would like a few more measures in place for NC ever again with OM. I exposed pretty heavy...we r awaiting the surviving an affair book and she is still seeing her therapist Only for working on her personal issues ect..i agree MB is far better for our recovery and affair related issues. I was planning on changing her cell phone number and also calling OM wife and requesting OM BE changed also...any insight....insight

KGaa12,

Just to make it clear it was the Om had an additional affair...not my wife.

Understood, but did you contact the OWH from that affair?

God Bless
Gamma

Just to make it clear it was the Om had an additional affair...not my wife. We r excited to work on recovery, but its been a tough road thus far...wife isstarting to try and mend relationship with our kids, kids tell me their not sure how they feel toward mom. I would like a few more measures in place for NC ever again with OM. I exposed pretty heavy...we r awaiting the surviving an affair book and she is still seeing her therapist Only for working on her personal issues ect..i agree MB is far better for our recovery and affair related issues. I was planning on changing her cell phone number and also calling OM wife and requesting OM BE changed also...any insight....insight

Are you reading melodys posts?

KGaa12,

Just to make it clear it was the Om had an additional affair...not my wife.

Yes and the BH from that additional affair is another potential enemy of OM, your enemies enemy is your friend. This is the reason you should expose the other affair.

God Bless
Gamma