Yes, there's a lot of problems going on. But the anger is the most destructive, and must be dealt with first.

It is not hopeless. But you're going to need to decide one way or another if you want to try to make it work.

If you do, invite him here. If you don't, leave him.

yes Im sure he does. He looks at porn I have seen the websites on his computer. I am overweight too and have had 2 kids by natural childbirth and he made sure to make me feel ugly and undesireable and that my body was disgusting after having 2 kids. I cant forget that. But I have never said anything about his weight or looks or small package. :-(

Not if they're posted to your thread or on other threads. You can listen to them.

Have you seen this? Please tell me what you think.

When to Call It Quits - Part 1
In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

When I click on the radio clip links, it pulls up the little box, but when I click play, nothing happens. I have adobe and real player on my puter. What do I do?

Have you updated your flash?

hopelessinTX,

What are your Hs top EN?

What LBs are you guilty of?

I dont know. He doesnt know.

I thought in the past it would be sex but he always rejected me when I tried to initiate. I thought it was affection but when I would try to hug and kiss him he would reject me and push away. I thought it was recreation companionship but when I would try to suggest something to do he would say no. I think now i figured out these are my needs and because he doesnt want them of course they were not met for me.

If I had to guess now based on reading the books I would say admiration, appreciation, respect, domestic support, financial support.


My LB are probably AO, disrespectful judgements, and the new ones are independent behavior and probably dishonesty.

Why do you ask?

Because the MB concepts are filling each others Love Banks with deposits.

That won't happen if 1) you aren't filling his top EN and 2) you're removing all your deposits with love busters.

Have you read this?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

What's your plan to eliminate your love busters?

yes I understand the concepts. I have read the book too. I am starting to read his needs her needs. I dont know what to do. I am so emotionally, physically,mentally drained I am lucky I can even get up each day and do the bare minimum. I dont know if I can do anything unless i know for sure he is doing something too. I cant carry us anymore like I have the past 13+ years.

What do you recommend?

If you follow the program you will have a fantastic marriage.

Eliminate all love busters.
Filling your DH's EN
Get at least 15 hrs of UA
Follow POJA and PORH

Do you have the workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love?

Can you afford the coaching center? The online program?

You can hinder yourself, if you choose not to put the work in. You can be your biggest wall.

This is another excellent free resource.
How to create your own plan to resolve conflict and restore love

So today we had our counseling session and we discussed our EN and we discussed the LB book and the last couple chapters where it talks about the top 5 EN for men and women. In discussion with my husband he said he has NO EN!!!! He said none of those are his EN and he could not name one thing that he needed from me. He truely is totally fine with how our marriage is with no sex, no communication, no recreation together, no UA, no nothing! I just cant believe it! Finally after some prodding he finally admitted that his EN is only admiration. I am just so let down and so dissapointed that he is like this. Its no wonder none of my EN were ever met or were dismissed in the past and we are like this because he didnt need anythign from me. It makes sense now.

I just dont know where to go from here with a guy who practically needs nothing from me and is just so unaware of everthing.

There is no way we can start at 15 hours a week of UA. We are starting at 5 minutes a day. I know its not much but its more than we currently have so its a start anyway.

I just got the workbook and we cannot afford the counseling center or the online seminar, but maybe soon.

Any other comments suggestions? They are greatly appreciated!

Have you verified that he isn't having an affair? How do you know "for sure?"

15 hours of UA is the foundation of the program. Without it, the program will not work. 5 minutes a day will not work. Your plan is going to fail.

It's not that he really doesn't have emotional needs.

It's that he's in the state of Withdrawal (this is in the basic concepts). He doesn't want his emotional needs met; that's the definition of the state of withdrawal.

As Prisca said, an affair is one thing to suspect.

Also did you look at this?

Can you email the show? Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.

Have you verified that there isn't someone else?

You could ask him whether he feels romantic love for you. (Be prepared for how bad it feels to hear "no".) You need to stress that you are talking about romantic love, not caring or "I'll always love you (in a way) because you are the mother of my children" love. Romantic love; hearts a-flutter love, which is the goal of Marriage Builders.

If he says yes I'll be surprised. If he says no, then that could be the way to explore what you did for him when he did feel romantic love (I presume he did at some time in the past), and what it would take on your part for him to feel romantic love today.

I think he might be misunderstanding what an EN means. I suspect he is responding to "what do you think is missing from our marriage" or "what do I do wrong for you", and since he is contented to have a marriage of unromantic co-existence, the answer is that he needs nothing.

And what markos said.

Ii am positive he is not having an affair. Other than his nintendo and TV and some internet porn. He is too shy and unsocial and afraid to go out in public that he would never meet anyone to have an affair with. He goes to work and comes straight home and never goes out or does anything and if he does its maybe golf once a month. He stays at home all the time with us. Neither of us do anything. Ever.

I know 5 minutes is not much but its just a start for this week. We discussed the 15 hours a week also and I understand its concept but we will get there. I know its not the exact rule of the program but we are not in the program yet, maybe we will be soon though, so please dont condemn me for not following the program exactly. Im lucky to get eventhe 5 minutes.

I think you may be right. I will see what he says about this tonight.