Understand that the conflicting opinion does not carry on with the needs of FS and FC being in the top 5.

Additionally, with particular attention to Radical Honesty, there would be no reason to NOT work on meeting the need of O&H. When Anointed begins meeting that need expertlly, it may or may not fall in importance in his rankings.

As for needs such as affection and recreational companionship, even if they were 9 and 10 on his ranking respectively, those needs are still a focus to be met during UA time, are they not?

Therefore, 3 of the top 5 provided hold legitimacy, 2 are suspect, and other typically male EN's will be met with good UA.

Any suggestion as to why meeting O&H, at this time, would be wasted?

And do understand my objection isn't a personal question, Sugar. Nor is it a total objection about your point. It's just an assertion that the particular need of O&H may currently be carrying more importance related to it not being met in the way her H likes it met, and that is worth learning to do.

Anointed, this thread has become terribly derailed with arguments since I made my suggestion. I do apologise if you feel that what i said was ill-judged. If what has happened is the reason you haven't come back, then please ignore my post and the responses to it.

I think you both have good points. The Q's do have more questions than what are the top needs: there is room for clarification underneath the question about "what it looks like" to meet those needs. However, to question that those are indeed the needs and to prompt a spouse to perhaps think about it more and drop certain things down may be a tricky thing for the other spouse to do, but coaches could perhaps do. I do wonder about FS being one of his top needs. Is he wanting her to have a higher paying job, or to be more careful with spending, or something else? The FS need may be more of a need for POJA and may be worth it for Anointed to ask about. My opinion is that O&H is needed for every bit of this, for all communications, negotiations, etc., so that need can be met during any (all) interactions so long as it's done without selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and other Lovebusters.

My last point was an attempt to close this discussion on Anointed's thread and let her take up the reigns of her own thread again. I hope others will see my point and let this happen now.

Thanks NED. Actually, my older kids have been out of town for over a week now. They won't be home until Saturday evening, and I'm very grateful. This has been a very challenging couple of weeks. I like your suggestion. Thank you.

We sat down together yesterday and made a plan. I don't know how well we will be able to follow it because we are painting and getting the house ready for a whole bunch of family to come into town for their staycation. I told him that we can still use that time as long as we are focusing on being pleasant and meeting each others' needs. He agreed. I may use the plan we developed for the week after they all leave.

Thanks markos,

Yes, it is depositing lots of love units. He understands a lot of MB lingo, so it is nice to be able to say "that's a major lovebuster for me" and he will clarify or correct.

I think he also likes that I'm responding to his complaints more directly. I am guilty of deflecting.

Thanks everyone for your input on Ship's ENs. I didn't respond because I honestly didn't know what to say about it.

We did sit together and make a plan for UA time, but I didn't spend time clarifying his ENs at that time. He was willing to sit and plan for UA but I felt he might have gotten irritable if I had extended our discussion to other things since he had plans to complete his to-do list yesterday. I'm trying to work on being considerate.

We have plans to take walks several times this week, so I can try to ask him then to clarify.

Regarding RC: he may not have put that since I am pregnant. He put a note at the bottom of the page saying "Pregnant, can't exercise." Now, I have had some pain during this pregnancy and lots of fatigue (he works out from 8:45-10pm!) so I've struggled some. But once the older kids get home I plan to resume working out with him.

Regarding OH: His note said "recently discovered feelings/ideas of hers, have left doubts, hides snacks & foods"
So reading here and seeing my feelings really shook him up. Also, hiding snacks & foods...he was concerned about this. I did hide them from my older kids because they were sneaking and I wanted control over when they ate them, but I also hid snacks for me (or they would eat them!). I did overeat at times and hid it from him to avoid his comments. IB, I know. I am not overweight by any means, but this fed his fears.

Regarding FS: "I don't want her to work, but right now nothing else is [working] either & I hate being broke." He is just unhappy with our finances at the moment. I am bringing in some extra $ right now with my new business, but that is all I can offer at the moment.

Regarding FC: He just said he wanted me to spend more time with the family. I tend to hibernate once he gets home sometimes so I can recharge. I need time to myself to feel energized, but I admit I have been selfish with it at times. On the weekends we were at odds, I'd stay in our room watching online TV or whatever. I was an only child and rarely had time with family growing up. I am used to being alone, and I need to learn how to enjoy being around people all day. I hope we can also work in alone time for me, or I know I would go insane. I'm just made that way.

Don't know if that clarifies anything for you. So when we have UA time focus on SF, Conversation, RC and ?? again? Sorry, lost the post.

Affection...

Thanks Zhamila,

Things do feel better for me. I can tell he is watching AOs because there were a couple of times he could've gotten upset (working on stuff around the house) and he didn't. I really appreciate that. He responded when I let him know something was a LB, and he spent time with me figuring out a UA plan for this week.

He just has been more careful in general.

I have noticed a couple of times when I dismissed his complaint because it felt like criticism.

Example: Me-"I'd like to get a clock for our bedroom since I never know what time it is when I wake up in the morning...especially with no bedside table yet to put my phone on." Ship-"Why do you need a clock? The bathroom clock isn't even set to the correct time, so why do you need one?" Me-"If it bothered you so much, why didn't you fix it?" (late) Me-"Sorry if I dismissed your complaint." Ship-"you did." Me-"It felt like a criticism. Sorry."

That happened again when he told me that leaving our laptop on the couch was a terrible idea. The #1 reason for electonic failure is overheating, etc. I didn't say anything at all and was just going to move on with the conversation, but then I stopped myself and simply said, "sorry."

I don't know why it is so hard for me to hear him with these things. It really hurts my feelings because I don't mean to upset him. I guess I want him to tiptoe around my feelings more. Not sure if that is ok.

But truly, we seem to be on the right track. I need it to continue.

Oh, and when we scheduled UA time I made sure to schedule SF 4 times.

Ok, thanks HHH.

Sexual Fulfillment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection.

And Admiration. He needs lots of touch and lots of encouragement.

I'm trying. I hope he can tell.

And I'm going to fix the clock in the bathroom. Right now.

Thanks for responding, Anointed! Here are a few things I noticed in this interaction. Just my opinion and observations:


There's a reason you weren't comfortable with his response here: he is LB'ing you. His saying, "why do you need a clock?" is implying that you DON'T need a clock, that it's ridiculous, and then he changes the subject to blaming you for the bathroom clock being wrong. First, he dismisses your desires by implying they are ridiculous. Second, he changes the subject to blaming YOU for the bathroom clock being wrong.

You may benefit from learning more about verbal abuse. Your response was REALLY nice...his was abusive (critical, dismissive, all DJs - as you noticed).




Again, he is using DJs to express his desires. Saying something is a "terrible idea" is judgmental, plus he went on to lecture you on the dangers of electronic overheating - another DJ. He can say, "Would you please not leave the laptop on the couch again? I am worried it will overheat." In this way, he expresses his desires in a respectful manner. If he had said it without LBs, I'll betcha you would have cheerfully said, "Sure! No problem!"

I commend you for working on your side of the street: Good Job!!

He has a long way to go on LBs. Again I would encourage you to research verbal abuse, be able to recognize it, and set limits. Your marriage will not get better by accepting abuse, it will get worse.

Anointed, you mention feeling overwhelmed with not enough alone time. I have another friend in that situation, too. As moms today we spend a ton more time with our kids entertaining them than our parents ever would have pressured themselves to do. How about scheduling play dates and stuff so you get the alone time you need to feel recharged while your H is at work, so your tank is full by the time it's dinnertime and bedtime and all that. Like your kid can play at Chuck E Cheese or the park or the library for free while you read a book. And you can plan FC time like the pool or something to wear her out so she'll take a nap.

Such great advice, NED! I love Chuck E Cheese for that very reason

(I am totally piggy-backing on NED's insights here): It's so easy for mommas to let ourselves get wrung out, even more so when your body is working hard creating new life

Please be aware of your feelings, and honor your limits. Please take breaks when you need them.

Thanks you two. I'll try to manage my time better so that I have time to myself.

Thanks for pointing that out Zhamila. I didn't even realize why it bothered me. I just knew I was dismissing him.

I did let him know that he has been DJing. He hasn't responded.

Today I am very hurt. We found out that we are having another sweet little girl. As much as Ship will love her, he was very disappointed that God had not answered his prayer for another boy. We have 2 girls and 1 boy.

At first he kept things to himself, but as the afternoon went on he said some very hurtful things. I asked him if he texted everyone to tell them we are having a girl and he said he would if he was having a boy. But since it was a girl why bother basically. I know he doesn't mean it, but this is a pretty normal reaction for him when he is upset.

I told him that the fact is that he is upset God didn't answer his prayer, not that he was having a girl. He agreed. I let him know he was hurting me. He kissed me on the head. He said something else about wanting a healthy baby with a penis. This hurt me deeply. I wanted him to celebrate with me.

He told me when he left for work that he loved me and our new baby...it's not her fault she is "just a girl."

Remember, he has a dry sense of humor. I know he was kidding, but these words stabbed me right in the heart anyway.

Dr Harley says we shouldn't be the butt of each others' jokes. I have told Ship many times that jokes are only funny bc they have some truth to them. He withdrew major, major points from my lovebank today.

Congratulations on having a girl, Anointed. I am very happy for you!

(I would have been had you been having a boy, too!)

Anointed, I am horrified! He is demeaning you, your baby girl, and really all women...And he's trying to cover it with a joke?

Come hell or high water, I would be very inclined to take Dr. Harley's advice about now.

At some point, you become responsible too. You either enable him to treat you (and your children) this way, or you stand strong and make him leave until he changes. He is in your life by your permission only. You may choose to stay with him, but I would remind you...your children cannot choose. They are stuck with him unless you take measures to protect them.

Did your other daughters hear him too? I am beyond shocked and sad.

Anointed, do you see what you are doing here? I tried to make some suggestions to help brainstorm what would be light and fun and recharging for you to do during the day, and instead of responding with what *you* would find light and fun and recharging, you heard that as needing to get better at time management.

You had happy news yesterday, but your focus is on your H's disappointing response. I understand that that response was deflating. But you can start your day over whenever you want.

You are surrounded with freedom, but focused on the limitations. We all work within limitations. Like they say here, feelings follow actions. What can you do to bring some joy to your life and your family's life today?