The answer to this is: find a way to meet your spouse's needs that you are enthusiastic about. This may take some doing, but is not impossible.

Dr. Harley says the best arrangement is for the person for whom the need is less important (whether that need be SF, intimate conversation, affection, or recreational companionship) to arrange to meet the higher-need spouse's needs as often as they like -- but do it the way that the lower-need spouse likes. As an example: sex as often as the spouse with the high sex drive likes, but done the way the low-need spouse prefers. Likewise for conversation, etc.

He's got specific arrangements in his books for the other six nonintimate needs, such as domestic support. There are specific plans to get each need met.


I've denied my children things many times for many reasons, but it always came down to the fact that it was best for them.

There are lots of good things you can give your children in life; it's never a question of them having a warped childhood just so that you can have a good marriage. Instead, it's a fact that if you don't make your marriage first, they will have a warped childhood no matter what you give them.

Update

Got in full a 20 hours UA meeting needs. DH put in a dishwasher, fixed the water heater and installed weather stripping around the doors. He sat down with us and helped come up with a plan for our (kids and me) daytime schedule. Homework and chores cannot run into the evenings. He's holding us accountable to it. 80% of the time he is home at 6. We retire to the bedroom at nine.

DH told me last night that he had a talk with his former gaming buddy. DH told him that he missed talking to him every night and killing stuff. But, he could never go back to gaming again. Life now is just so much better!!

HHH, I read a thread back from July where you told the OP that IB's are "cake eating". That the other spouse needs to be "better cake".

I guess we are better cake!

Oh and BTW, my contribution is praising my DH and giving many hugs and kisses. Just what he needs!

Congrats! I felt similar as your hubby when i stopped gaming .. but i had to stop gaming to get my wife to stop! I played the same online game for like 8 years ... a very social game .. I played as a "good guy" and my wife played as a bad guy. It was tough! Fun at first .. but eventually it wore us out and our gaming boiled into our real life.

Keep up the great work! ... it takes time .. but so does everything.

I believe that, for most people, putting a little more priority on meeting our spouse's needs and eliminating Love Busters will lead to a spouse who is more willing to commit to UA time, which leads to both spouses falling in love, which leads to further elimination of Love Busters (most commonly when it comes to IB).

My wife still watches TV shows that I hate, and I still play online games (I did quit for about 10 months. HOWEVER, neither of us do these things if we can spend time together. It's usually when we have an opposite work schedule.

We just got finished scrubbing the fridge 'n freezer together.

:p

Gotta new issue on the horizon. One year ago, DH was laid off. He found a comparable job within weeks. But, the new job is about 60 miles from home into the city. During traffic it's 1 1/2 to 2 hour commute. He leaves at 5 am returns at 6ish. Our marriage is much better now. We are getting in around 15 hours UA per week. One date night usually. He wants to consider moving closer into town about 25 miles from the office. The company wants him to open a new division. It will mean more money, but also more hours at work and some dinner meetings. He wants to live closer so he can take this promotion. He wants to live in a nicer home. He wants a smaller yard in a subdivision (less maintenance). He doesn't want find another job closer to home. He likes his job and the potential for growth there. He likes his bosses and co-workers too.

The kids and I aren't really feeling it. Currently, we live in the woods on some acreage. We have privacy and security. Family on both sides. The kids have freedom to play anywhere, anytime.

I am trying to be supportive. I wouldn't want a two hour commute either. But, I'm not seeing anything in it for us (me and the kids). It's not like we're gonna see him more, just the opposite. Our kids love living in the country.

Help me with my attitude. I want to make a good decision for everyone. I don't want to move.

That's it, right there.

That's all.


Don't use the kids to buffet. It's great to take them into consideration, but they will eventually grow up, move out, marry, and have families themselves.

They are children.


If you don't want to move, don't move. If it's not PoJA, don't do it. But, don't use the kids as your backup. They don't get a voice in PoJA - that's between you and your husband.

We are back to square one. We had a perfect storm just as we began to see some progress. I got sick. I'm still sick. My family doc mentioned chronic fatigue syndrome. Seeing a rheumatologist on Aug 7. Been in a pretty deep depression for a month or so. I am taking st johns wort and a host of supplements. I know the illness is amplifing the problems. We are not getting 15 hours together and when we are together it's not pleasant. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

I have taken a break from homeschooling, so that is off my shoulders for now. We made a schedule together back in January. We were all hopeful. Things started to unravel during the day. We weren't able to finish everything by 6. DH started to get annoyed with us. DJing us daily because we just couldn't get "our $hit" together. If we would just do what he tells us to do, then our evenings would be relaxing. What he didn't know was that I was a crazy, stressed out mama yelling at the kids all day. To hurry up, daddy will be home. He's gonna be mad at us!

When I shared this with him. He said, "Well you wanted me to get involved, you wanted me to quit gaming. See I had my head in the game for years and I could overlook all this stuff. I'm here, I'm engaged."

He is aggravated with me. If I would just conduct my day the way he thinks I should, we would have all this time available. Yes, we probably would. But, I'm a freaking mess at the end of the day. Our goal with the daytime schedule was for me to be rested and calm in the evenings. Not still managing the kids and house. I could just sit with him on the couch and chill. Whatever loving feelings developed are gone. I feel like a total failure.

We went back to the drawing board. He did agree that the kids' education is the priority. He relented that if the housework and dinner wasn't done by 6, that he would lower his expectation on those two points.

I want to try this again. How do we navigate (POJA) this daytime schedule. I really want to be able to sit and relax in the evenings.

Please listen.
Radio clip on making her husband happy
Radio clip on POJA
Segment #2

Please listen to this clip on blaming.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on the blame game

I read over my thread. There is an us vs him tone. It plays out in our home too. I don't know how to overcome it. After giving up gaming, he rejoined "us". He is a perfectionist, we are not perfectionists. Sometimes what we want in a spouse is so different from what we've got...I'm rambling. I don't know if I can make him happy. There it is.

What would make my H happy? I asked him this question recently. He said, "For all my desires to be the same as his desires." He wants to traditional marriage. Wife cooks and cleans, raises good kids. But, be a sexy, handsy wife too.

He doesn't understand how freaking tiresome, isolating, sometimes boring, so not sexy my life is. He wants someone that behaves much differently than me. I have heard "feelings follow action." Yes, they do. The feelings I've had for many years after having sex when I didn't want to. Having sex with someone who didn't give a rat's tail about my needs. Those are feelings I don't want. Need meeting for years without having my needs met haven't created loving feelings. He feels guilty and I feel used.

The daytime schedule was POJA'd. That's why I was so freaked out when I couldn't live up to my agreement. I was enthusiastic about when I agreed. We were both discouraged when it didn't have the desired outcome.

The blame game... How do we stop? There are so many problems, so much blame to go around.

Please listen to this clips on different personalities. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on different personality
Radio clip on compatibility

Our biggest mistake is not knowing about and thus not implementing the POJU and POUA. That is the crux of the matter. Our personalities are not that different. He is more A than I. But, not obnoxious about it. I'm definitely type B. The first eight years were easy. That's why I picked him, he was easy to get along with. He wasn't an addict. He was a hard worker. He wasn't mean to me. Sex has always been an issue though. Opposite drives for sure. We didn't spend much time together though when we were dating. The first three months we were separated 300 hundred miles. The second three months we were together daily. The third three months again separated by 300 miles. Our first five years were spent establishing careers and building our first home. UA was spent discussing our goals and dreams, going out to eat, watching movies and TV. Honestly, we have never really been "undivided attention" type people. There have always been distractions. Planning, working, doing. Both of our mother's were widowed early, so they took up much of those first few years. We've never been just about him and me.

After listening to the clip about compatibility, we should be more compatible. I think because we aren't very different, one of us is obsolete. I can't speak for him, but I'm bored outta my mind. Nothing is fun. Everything is work.

Our marriage does look like our parents' marriages though. That's glaringly obvious.

Mistakes no POJA, no POUA and we try to "straighten each other out".

So can you start scheduling your UA time? Can you get in 20 hrs?

Listen to this one.
Radio clip on what to do to fall back in love

We are scheduling UA time today. We can come close to 20 hours. We can get about 4 hours out of the house. The rest will be in the evenings from 9 to 11. He gets home at 6 or 7. It varies greatly.

We had a nice long talk last night. We do not want to divorce. But, we both see it coming when the kids get older, if things don't change.

He doesn't think that it's a DJ to blame me for not getting everything done around here so that we can have UA time. He says, Whose fault is it then? It's not his. I should have planned my day better. I agree, maybe I should. I told him, I don't look forward to seeing my angry father. I want to see my loving husband. I asked him, if he would email the Harley's. They would be able to answer his questions. He said he would.

Can someone post clips about spouses "straightening out" each other. Or clips about how to prioritize life. Neither us have ever had a problem with him working late or bring work home or going into the office on Sunday. How is that different from me still doing laundry or loading the dishwasher at 10 pm?

I'm tired of shouldering the responsibility of this failing marriage.

Here are some good ones. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on putting each other first
Radio clip on DJs
Segment #2
Segment #3

T, we also had problems with DS. Not to the point of it interfering with my availability for UA time, but that's because I have no issue with leaving things undone in order to have fun and relaxation time. My H did have problems with undone things, though, and would come home and start cleaning; if I was still cooking dinner as he walked in the door (often, because we like to eat as a family) he would begin wiping down the counters, would even pick up a pan off the stove that was still cooking to clean the hot eye under it! It was insane. Steve told him to look into OCD.

Anyway, if we could work it out with an OCD person, ya'll have a good chance because your husband is not OCD, right? Is he demanding perfection? Is the list of chores beyond what is possible?

I tried for a long time to make my H happy in the DS dept, long before I found MB. One helpful guide I found was flylady.net. She gives you a basic whole-house schedule along with daily chores to keep your crib spiffy. I started doing that when my three youngest were 3 and under--I was wore out, confused, and feeling like I could accomplish NOTHING, and it helped.

Look at flylady and see if helps you feel less overwhelmed. If you like it, share it with your husband and let him know you have a new plan of attacking your responsibilities at home and would like his support.

When we were working with Steve, he had each of us make a list of chores that were important for us to get done. Mine was brief, H's was extensive. Next time we got on the phone with Steve, he asked if we completed our lists, we said yes, then Steve said, "Okay, now each of you take care of the things on your OWN list." My H was, erm, going to show me how easy it was to take care of the things he wanted done, and after spending six hours cleaning ~1200sf of hardwood flooring, he relented that perhaps he was expecting too much. I do NOT suggest you have your husband do the same exercise, but feel free to share my story with him!

Here are some more. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on DS
Segment #2

Ok HHH, that was a major DJ. How could I have expressed that without DJing?