Me and my wife have been to marrage inrichment classes at a local church it was goods to find out what we were missing I was the one that when out side of marrage I know it was wrong my wife told me that we were not moving along so I am looking for some advice on hope to lead are EP I have my own bank account I know we need to get them together I have more contact with well at work try to get her to come with me to meet my friend she will not do that because she do like them but I would like her to know who I am with put gps tracker on my phone for over six month have no problem with it accset to emails and my bank account till we get one together I guess I am asking for more ideas for me to step up to the plate she will tell you I am a lier which I was use to watch a lot of porn but gave it up have a fair better sex life now then I ever had still have a hard time looking sometime I think she is tring to find me looking even when I am not I try not to look I tell her to hold me accountable tell me when you think i am can any one tell a way to get this to heal with my wife sheis filling my love bank and I am tring to fill hers but not getting anywhere we need help

TJ, try to use a few punctuations man that was confusing as all get out.

How long have you been married? Kids?

When did you have an affair? How long has it been over? Have you completely cut off contact with your affair partner?

Was your marriage enrichment class based on the Marriage Builders program? Are you familiar with Dr Harley's concepts?

Is your wife also posting on this forum?

Lets start with that.

Marraid 13 years five kids and yes the marrage inrichment was from his need her need typing a phone is not easy on here sorry I was the one who had the affair yes cut off contact with her and got a new phone and number it happens over a year ago and yes my wife is all so posting on here

What is her name on here?

I would be the bw. My thread is on surviving an affair

Thanks homefor5. We'll take it from here.

Jerk (really?)- What EP's have you established? List them out here. How did you conduct your affair? Text, internet?

~RQ

Same bank account
No interaction with opposite sex
Contants on are phone the same
Accset to each others e mail
Spyware on each others phone (witch she did without my knowing but that ok)
I am cool with it
Gps tracking on are cell phones
Staying in contact with each other more
Full accset to each other phone

The affair was a Internet ad then it became texting we are tring to read sieving an affair together I also work two job to boot so she can stay home and home school the kids I think EP could be more can you help here she needs me to lead and in are 13 years she has had full control and now she know we can not work that way and this leading it new and I have no idea how to lead this

with gloveoil here, you are in good hands. I do want to point out that if you are working two jobs, your probably not getting 20 hours of
UA time. Is that true? If so, you need to fit that in. It is Essential!

Her top five
Honesty
Affection
Family comment
Interment conversation
Recreational companenship
I think I fall short in the family not a hole lot of time to plan thing We are tring to make more time for the kids it hard to give her time and the kids time but we are doing better with time with each but I know my kids are lacking time with there dad the lack a little because of time I liked it when we read his needs her need together we had a lot to talk about is like note and to be supirzed with gift and note I lack this also

The reason the affair happen is I was not making much money and she would not help so she was not giving and hugs kissing no sex she with draw all from me no dinner I real feel like a pay check had started to watch porn to fill my number one need sex she with draw more pretty soon porn was no good enough she had nothing good to say too me admiration is a big need of my also so I began too seek out side to get it some where then started texting other women she found out by my bill and told me I was a jerk hints the name my needs where lacking and her needs were lacking to this lacking of need lack are hole marrage wish we could have know then what needed maybe it would be diffrent

But didn't you have an affair because you have pisspoor boundaries around women? If you had not allowed some skank to meet your needs, you would not have had an affair. Isn't that the truth?

What happens in the future when your needs are not adequately met again? Because I know of no marriage where needs are met 100% all the time. So what have you done to protect her from your abuse in the future?

And I read on her thread that you do a very poor job of meeting her needs. Is it ok that she has an affair too?

I also read on her thread that you are in the habit of gawking at women. Do you understand how disrespectful and hurtful that is to women? That is a huge lovebuster.

Your gawking problem might be one of the underlying causes why she stopped meeting your needs pre-affair. Who wants to be with a guy who gawks at women like a perv? Your doing so would cause enormous emotional detachment and women need to feel emotionally attached to a man in order to desire sex with him.

Why do you gawk at women if you know how creepy it is?

I will have to get with her to show a better way to spy since you know about the spyware on your phone. It is obviously useless if you know about it. But I know of much better methods that I can show her.

She is very open about her meeting her need we have talk about and that why I have posted here she told me I need to lead in this that why I am here thanks for being honest and putting in out there like that

Have nothing to hide she spy any way she would like honesty is her first need and I will meet it for her seen I have heard dr harley talk about honest never made separation happen right

Spying is a wonderful thing in that a) it holds spouses accountable and b) it helps you earn her trust when she can see what you are doing when she is not around.

No, TJ, that's not correct. I make plenty of money (and so does my wife), and we also made plenty of money 4 years ago, and yet I still had an affair. Money, or lack of it, has nothing to do with why people have affairs, my friend. Read on...

Nope, wrong again. Nothing forced you to have an affair, TJ. Nothing forced you to turn outside your marriage. You may have had needs unmet in your marriage, but this did not force you to have an affair. Rather than choose to work on the marriage or to communicate better with your wife, or choose to blow your whole month's paycheck on a down-payment on a sports-car, you chose to go outside your marriage. No one had a gun to your head. You made a free choice. The first step to saving your marriage & being a man she can respect is for you to BE a man and OWN your choices. Owning his own choices -- the bad ones as well as the good ones -- is what a good man does.

Yes, TJ, but that's beside the point. Not having needs met will harm your marriage relationship, but it doesn't force you to have an affair. It took me many months to fully realize, but what a breakthrough it was when I did finally realize, that the reason I got into an affair -- the same reason you got into an affair, and the same reason anyone gets into an affair -- is that I got selfish. And you got selfish. Until you admit that & understand it, you'll be a danger to your wife and to your marriage. Once you get this, however, chances are that your wife will see the difference. She'll see a man who owns his choices. And because you'll own your choices, you'll choose to take steps that will help make her feel emotionally-safe in the marriage.

And it still CAN be different for you guys. Your marriage CAN be BETTER than before you cheated. That's the great news!

It will take work. And your wife will have to put in work from her side too. She'll need to learn (just like you need to learn) about avoiding Love-Busters like angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. If you don't know what Love-Busters are, read about them on this site. From some of your comments and hers, I am guessing that those things go on in both directions in your marriage. That will have to stop. It's good that you've already identified her needs, and without the Love-Busters, your efforts to meet her needs will build up more goodwill in her toward you.

But you have it in your power to get things off (finally) to a proper start, by acknowledging that the reason you had an affair was none other than that you got selfish; and by owning your choices to give in to that selfishness.

Think hard about everything I've said, my friend. I learned these things in a hard way. But I learned 'em. If you don't agree with anything I've said, let me know, and we'll talk about it here.

Today I took my wife's feeling to work with me.The one about looking at other women and noticed my coworkers doing it.

Three different times let me tell you
Gas station coworker point out a women in line and say look at her.
The other one was a jogger watch both there heads about brack off looking at her. The last one was a jogger a stop light he was still sitting there when the light was green.As we drove by one yell out the widow at her.I said to him you are married.His response was I slip my ring off before I yelled.

I listen to Dr Harley says not to put your self in that kind of environment.So being my job has this influence what do I do quit my job or what.Can someone give me so info me and my wife talk about this.Her feeling are very important to a this state we are in.

Maybe you can find a job where you aren't with social retards? How old are these punks?

They can't influence you without your permission, but I wouldn't want to work such punks if I were you. They are no friend to marriage and I can see why your wife is so uneasy.

What did you do?