Indie, are you catching the part where "OM1" and "OM2" were both before marriage, and he knew about them prior to marrying her?

Just determining that abstinence wasn't your personal standard nor the standard you expected of the women you dated (and eventually chose to marry).




Which brings me to this statement. It is a ridiculous to state, on MARRIAGE BUILDERS no less...that "it is completely irrelevant that we were unmarried". Marriage matters. Were you a virgin and she was running around on you having sex and she married you letting you believe she was a virgin...then perhaps you'd have cause but YOUR STANDARD is fornication is OK. Though you THOUGHT you were exclusive....she was just shopping around WHILE SHE WAS SINGLE which is every persons right. In fact, at MB we encourage people to date 50 or so persons before settling on a mate upon whom to commit and MARRY. Exclusivity is truly only to be expected AFTER marriage.

I also notice you just told Sugarcane that YOU KNEW about OM#2 BEFORE you married her. The fact you followed through with marrying her wipes that slate clean. The fact they worked together thereafter was an MB mistake but it's not a character flaw or anything resembling adultery unless she continued having any sex with him.

Sure emotional affairs are hurtful. Very hurtful...but they ARE NOT adultery. I personally find it very offensive that you are even posting calling them OM#1 and OM#2 on the SAA form where so many are hurting from REAL affairs. OM#1 and OM#2 weren't even OM's at all but your competition for your wife's hand in marriage. So what they you weren't auditioning other potential mates....she was...and that was her right (although it's not nice to cheat on your boyfriend). In the end, you SHOULD BE secure and flattered that she chose you. Years later asking questions about the penis size of guy she DATED before you were even married is just downright juvenile and offensive.

As far as OM#3 and OM#4...I see MISTAKES and your wife reading and learning enough after the non-reciprocated pursuit of her by OM#4 to understand that OM#3 was really an emotional affair. I commend her for coming clean. Sounds like she didn't know and got caught up in something but it's great she pulled herself out of it (many don't...look around). It's still not adultery. I don't think you could call her a wayward wife or former wayward wife. IMO, unless you've got more that what you've disclosed, I find the idea of hooking her up to a polygraph machine just crappy and completely counterproductive to your rebuilding any kind of loving marriage of extra-ordinary care....the point of this forum.

Perhaps your wife just isn't that into sex. Maybe she has a sexual aversion....maybe not. Lots of girls/women have plenty of sex when they are single (and give it up in a misguided attempt to land a man) but when the marry just aren't that interested. The notion that her aversion and lack of orgasms years later has anything to do with some guy she dated a year or so more before you married is just ludicrous.

That's not to say you can't divorce her should you choose to...but I don't see you having any biblical right to divorce and thus, moving on a more vigorous lover would likely make YOU the adulterer. In other words, I don't see a biblical out for you here. Perhaps a consequence of your premarital fornication. Considering what appears to be your distubring hangups regarding the premarital sexual activities of your wife, perhaps you'd have been better off marrying a virgin.

Mr. Wondering

latent feelings for a guy she dated a year or so BEFORE you married her.

My W and I were dating for 8 years or so before marriage with the understanding that we were exclusive to each other. So I never objected to anyone my W was with before me.

But the other reason I need to understand what happened is that OM2 got away without a scratch.

Sorry should have said WHAT IS THE MB ADVICE? For his situation?

My guess...

Dr. Harley would direct them to focus working on his program with the goal of falling in love with each other again. I think he would really attempt to get gamma to avoid discussing the past as that's an enemy of good conversation and try to convince gamma that once they were really in love the past would be irrelevant.

Once in love...then the historical honesty lesson plan will result in conversations about the past and, if gamma really loves his wife, it seems to me the penis size of some guy years and years ago wouldn't even be brought up. This line of questioning by him...to me...really appears disrespectful. It sounds like he's calling some kind of lying whore which a husband in love wouldn't ever do.

Thus...when there is no active or recent affair, I believe Dr. Harley works on restoring love FIRST. He does not take his clients down such rabbit holes.

Mr. W

[

Its perfectly acceptable for a boyfriend to be upset about a girlfriends dishonesty. No it is not an A, not a broken vow, but dishonesty is thoughtless and cruel.

MB style multiple dating is done honestly and no one is deceived.

This is all making my head spin. But I do know if I was exclusively dating someone and they slept with other people and lied about it, then they wouldn't be a good candidate in a marriage.

Gamma
Member
Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 1450

Just saying....

I'm not convinced this is about "men's anxiety" as the title implies. I would suggest, it is perhaps an issue of Gamma's anxiety.