I am too, believe it or not. EXTREMELY so. I have a phone phobia, and wouldn't get anywhere near it to call a radio show.

So WRITE Dr. Harley.

Have you thought of posting at the local grocery store boards? People post things all the time there for things like lost pets and things for sale.

I understand being introverted, but if your daughter is playing with other childern at parks and common area at apt. complex I would think that should make it easy to open a conversation with the parents...you could ask how old or what the childs name is.

Many hispanic people do speak English. The teen's do for sure. If your complex is low income then the other people (and teenagers) are also, and probably would not charge 10 $ an hour.

Sorry Prisca and Brain Hurts, I was under the impression that writing to the Harley's would result in me having to actually speak on the show. If that's not the case, then it might work. I know they do read letters as well as talk to people. Do I need to request that when I write into the show?

We did go out for a few hours last night. We drove an hour+ up to our son's place and he watched her for 4 hours. But that isn't a permanent solution. He works two jobs now, 7-days a week. It was just a fluke that he had some time off yesterday and doesn't happen often. Plus, our cars are old and it won't be possible to put that many miles on them every time we want to go out.

We got shot down by the person we have been contacting through church to line up local teens to baby sit. He basically said most of the girls' parents wouldn't be comfortable with them baby sitting for someone they don't know, but he would be happy to introduce us to people if we come to church. So, I would have to start practicing a religion I don't believe in again if I want to pursue that route, and I don't think that would be the right thing to do.

There really aren't any common areas in our apartment except the pool, and DD 3 has some issues with being afraid of the water, so we don't swim much. Other than the pool, there are just walkways and the parking lot. No one in any of the apartments right around ours even has children. They are all single, younger people for the most part and they work a lot, I assume, since they are gone much of the time. And there's the lady with MS below us. I do talk to her, but I don't think she would be physically capable of baby sitting.

I will check the grocery store boards. I didn't think of that. There is a board at our library, but you have to get approval to hang anything on it and I've never seen anything on there like someone looking for baby sitting, just community announcements, so I don't know if they allow that sort of thing. Like I said, I do see other mothers at the park and library, though they aren't usually the same mothers. Our town has a population of 56K, and it's one of the smallest communities in the area, so there are a lot of people here. It makes getting to know people difficult, especially for someone with social anxiety issues. Also, a lot of the people who bring kids to the park/library during the day here are nannies.

I would love to get involved in something that gets me out and meeting people. Something like a church, without the religion. I'm just not sure how to find something like that. There are community education courses here for kids, like dance lessons and gymnastics and stuff, but they are very expensive. I need to find something either cheap or free, but other than library story-time, I haven't been able to find anything.

How about joining a play group? You could do a search online.
Many play groups also have baby sitting co-ops. This would give you a chance to meet new people, and be fun for your daughter.

I would love to do something like that! I'm going to look.

I actually found a nature play group a few months ago and contacted them, but they were very small and didn't want to add any additional members. I was disappointed, because it would have been perfect for us since I love hiking and being out in nature.

Regarding your question about the radio show, you will only be called if your email contains your phone number and only after your verbal permission

Well, we've been rebuked by several people we have been contacting regarding securing baby sitting for being "unreasonable" and "over-demanding" because we would like to find baby sitting for 4 hours a week at a rate of $5 an hour.

That's how most of the world views the MB practice of UA time, and that wasn't even for 15 hours a week. That was just for one date night a week.

I have been reduced to tears by people from church on a Sunday.

I give up. The fact is, the only people who seem to think my H and I need any time alone at all are the people here. No one in my real life agrees with or supports any of this at all. I'm tired of fighting everyone. Trying to secure a sitter for our daughter is causing more stress and bad feelings than it's worth.

Oh, cut the nonsense, okay?

In three postings today you went from "Good idea...I didn't think of that", to "I'm not concerned enough to consider joining a church", to "Nothing suits my elite expectations, I give up!"

Well, the noise you just heard is dozens of MB posters giving up on helping you work through this.

I'm very tired of everyone in my actual life telling me that this program is completely impossible and unrealistic, especially when you have children. That's all I hear from everyone I attempt to explain it to and get support from.

Here, this is all considered very desirable and normal. To everyone else, it is considered preposterous.

I think it's a great plan. But I can't force others in my life to see it that way, and I can't make them support our efforts to do this. I know, I've tried.

Today was very hard. I was publicly ragged on for having unrealistic expectations as far as finding a baby sitter. It isn't easy for me to reach out to people for help, and it's very hard when I do so and then am quite publicly shot down.

If you want to call that nonsense, fine. It isn't nonsense to me. I struggle with self-esteem issues, and this incident today (which involved several people) was a huge blow to my self-esteem.

I'm still looking into the play group idea. In fact, I already sent an email to someone about that. But I am backing away from seeking help through the church. That just isn't working. I don't need people in my life who make me feel bad about trying to do something positive for my marriage.

And what do you mean by "I'm not concerned enough to consider going to church?" I left the church for reasons that have nothing to do with child care. I don't believe what they teach. I still think the people in the church are good, decent people, which is why I thought they would be a good resource for baby sitting. But I can't attend a church who's doctrine I don't believe in just to secure a baby sitter for UA time. That seems a little hypocritical.

And joining another church isn't an option. I am agnostic. I'm not going to pretend to believe something I don't.

You're welcome to leave me alone NG. I've been beaten up enough today in real life. If you have nothing positive to add to the discussion, silence is always a viable option.

Writer,

So is writing Dr. Harley for advice, out? Are you not going to write him?

Yes, I am going to write to him.

I'll let you know when I hear back.

I'm so happy for you.

You do not have to be on the radio, but he will answer and read your letter on the air.

Let us know when so we can watch out for it.

I did some research tonight and I think I figured out the problem. It seems that in much of the country, daycare for an entire DAY goes for about the same rate as baby sitting per hour goes for here in South OC. Almost everyone on Craig's List here charges $10-$20/hr. I searched Craig's List for several other states and the going rate in most areas seemed to be around $20-$25/day. Most hourly figures I found for other areas were in the $4-$5/hr. range. No wonder I'm so frustrated. Just another thing to hate about this place, as if I needed any more reasons to want to get out of here.

Yes, I will let you know when I hear from the Harley's. If they read my letter, I get a free book right? Any suggestions? I already have HNHN and HNHN for Parents, Love Busters, Surviving an Affair, and Fall in Love, Stay in Love (with workbook). Do you get to pick the book they send you?

Give them your list so they know which ones you have.

I really like Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, but all of his books are good.

Have you listened to the radio show? Link is in upper right corner of web page. New one every weekday. I think if you listen you'll have a better sense of how it works, and often you'll hear stuff that applies to your situation.

You might want to see if there is a Unitarian Universalist church near you; they would welcome an agnostic. BUT, I don't think you should go just to find a babysitter.

I do think your expectations that others should care whether you get UA time are unrealistic. You and your husband should care, but everyone else is living their own lives.

I still think that if you bombarded every notice board in the local area, offering daytime babysitting where you could take your child to their home to play with their child, somewhere within walking distance, there would be one person who would respond. There must be at least one SAHM who would take you up so that she could have a break for two sessions week over the long school vacation. She doesn't need a nanny, but she does need a haircut/tanning/waxing and a gym session each week and she has the money to pay someone for childcare.

At the same time, advertise yourself for the coming school year, for after-school care. Same deal; after-school care in their home with your daughter in tow, within walking distance.

Undercut the going rate and see what happens. Do 15 hours after school per week and pay for 9-12 hours' UA time out of that money. The other 4 hours is donated free by your son, under his new contract.

I wouldn't ask people. I would advertise. There is no need to have face-to-face humiliating rejections.

While you are looking for child care, can you do things like take a walk with your husband with your child in a stroller at nap time so she falls asleep? That might be a nice time to talk to your husband.

Can you read chapters of the books to each other right before you go to sleep?

We do take walks together almost everyday, but my H generally isn't home when it's nap time except on weekends. And our DD is almost 4, so she doesn't nap regularly anymore. But sometimes we will walk to the park after dinner and sit on a bench and talk while she plays. I know some people don't count that as UA time, but I do. She doesn't require much attention while she's playing with other kids and we have had some good conversations at the park. Also, while driving in the car, even if DD is with us, is an opportunity for us to talk. She usually entertains herself in the back seat or falls asleep while we are driving.

Yes, we can and should read together after DD goes to bed. We've done this in the past, but we've fallen into the bad habit of going to bed too late. It's something we need to work on for sure.

Having kind of a hectic week. Our 11-year-old bird is egg-bound. We took her to the vet last night and she may require surgery. Right now, we're giving her calcium supplements to see if that will help, but this is a life-threatening situation. If she doesn't pass the egg, we have to decide by tomorrow whether to do the surgery or let her go. The surgery isn't cheap, but the bird is like a member of our family. We've had her since she was 8 weeks old. I'm really hoping she passes the egg on her own, but it's not looking good right now. She's barely eating.

My mom was admitted to the hospital last week for a stroke. Fortunately, it was a mild one, but they kept her in the hospital because her blood sugars were all over the place. She's been diabetic for a long time and has never had control over her blood sugar. They have finally put her on insulin (she was only on a pill before) so I'm hoping things start to improve with her health now. She was finally released from the hospital last night.

So I had to put everything on hold. We've had no UA time at all the past week. We've been spending all of our time driving back and forth between the hospital and my grandmother's house. My mother usually takes care of my grandmother since my grandmother is 90 and also had a stroke a few years ago, she can't be left alone for long periods of time.

I'm hoping things will settle down now and I can get back on track with everything else.

I'm sorry to hear this, writer. My father had a stroke in his 50s and I remember how horrible it all was. I know, too, how hospital admission disrupts the whole family.

I hope that your mother makes a full recovery.