Yes I did brainy =-= thanks for that. We listened the next day, but now we can give it another go in the future. thanks again.

opt

You're welcome.

Things are all good here in Michigan.

I've spent some time looking through all the threads you started here on MB and see such a wonderful complete MB success story. Nice radio voice too. We don't get many of these that include d-day, Plan A, divorce, singlehood/waiting to date, dating, engagement....remarriage. I've got several MB friends that have divorced and are now happily remarried like Eph525, one4thegipper and Heartsore but they didn't stick around posting the WHOLE transition other than the occasional drive by post, email and/or phone call.

Congrats on the engagement and my wife and I wish you and NG all the success in the world.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W,
I can't tell you how encouraging it is to hear that from you and your wife. I have read many posts from you and Mrs. W in various threads and it's clear that you have it down; I'm so happy I found someone who was interested in utilizing the principles here to try to build a happy, healthy marriage. NG is quite special for sure.

Maybe I'll try to look up a couple threads form those folks you mention, although time seems to be quite limited these days. It's all I can do to pop in here and offer a little guidance once in a while to new posters and then maybe update my thread from time to time.

You may have figured out from skimming my threads that I'm from Michigan. Good folks out there. NG is very much Michigan and not a whole lot east coast, another reason we get along so well. She loved Michigan when we visited and my family all adored her instantly. I've even recruited her as a Spartan (I'm sure we'll agree as to the best teams in Michigan wearing green...).

Well, thanks again for your encouragement. I expect we'll run into bumps along the way, but I'm confident we can employ MB to stay on track.

Opt

I too am confident you will 'stay on track'.
Because you are BOTH entering this new marriage mindfully and with reverence.
As far as I'm concerned, you are way ahead of the pack of about-to-be-married couples.
You will be amazed at how your love will grow (not diminish) over time. I am. I am amazed.

I am joyful over this news. Joyful.

Pep, I can't tell you what your confidence means to me. I read this several days ago and have been filled with more of my own confidence ever since. Encouragement from people like you and Mr. W is priceless because you are mentors to NG and I.

5 steps came in the mail from our phone call. we are excited to start filling it out. In the meantime, if I didn't mention it above, we did the Recreational Activity survey and were both quite pleased to know that we match up very well in many many categories.

Meanwhile I've encouraged her to post as I think she could help others, and also I think it helps to post as it keeps the knowledge fresh. That's a big reason why I hand around; it's nice to see how others implement some strategies, and offering guidance/assistance when possible helps me remain sharp in my understanding of the principles.

Well thanks again Pep.

opt

So is NG going to post?

I have encouraged her Brainy, but I don't know if she'll get around to it. Bless her heart though. I worked sunday am and got home to find she had done all sorts of work in my yard including laying down a bunch of new sod and replanting some flowers. Since DS is a big EN of mine, my LB is overflowing!

We had a super weekend. Sunday we went kayaking in the afternoon (that has been a point of discussion here) and I loved it. Now shopping for my own kayak. we had nice UA out in the water there are few distractions except the pending threat of a rogue wave, but it was really great.

I filled out my section of EN in the 5 steps book that the Harleys sent us. Maybe that's the next MB step for NG.

opt

Wow.

Well tell her we'd more than welcome her to the family.

just reporting in folks.
wanted to reiterate taht these concepts really do work.
case in point:
Had a strange week with NG last week -- communication was a little "off" and I could sense something, she could sense something. We weren't together at the end of the week because I have my kids and she was doing other stuff, but phone conversations were short and a bit strained.

Finally we talked on Saturday, and decided to stick with the honesty principle - I had to let it fly what was on my mind and it was pretty touchy although I don't want to get into details. Of course NG was a little upset and maybe a little hurt, but it was better having it out on the table and the situation was rectified the next day, much to my satisfaction and with commensurate, massive increase in love units.

She was also honest with me too, that she hasn't been feeling our UA has been that effective. Fortunately she had some time to think about what was missing and it was......(you guessed it) not enough IC.
So we focused a lot of time on just that, I tried to open up more about just random things (which tended to lead to more in depth conversations). And now things are back to the right track.

It's amazing what can happen with a good plan in place. Honesty (radical to some extent), and identifying and meeting EN's. strivign for plenty of UA.

Overall things have been good since I was here last. We went kayaking again and I am hunting for one now. We have some plans to camp next weekend and when NG gets together with the kids it's all smooth with lots of good energy.

Slow but sure.

opt

Opt,
You are a role model and inspiration to us all! I feel like I have footsteps to follow if I ever find anyone I want to date.

The best thing about life after mediocrity is that your experienced will teach you how to make the right choices.

Thanks opt for sharing your voyage. Love reading it.

Hello Optimism. I have read posts by you here and there, and just found this one. I am glad I did. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but will. It is nice to read it from your perspective.

I am just going to be blunt here. How did the Church help you through all of this, your divorce? There is not a lot of support for these types of issues here in my diocese anyway. I am struggling with all this. I want to do the right things for my children, myself and my salvation. I hope this isn't too heavy of a question. I look forward to any advice you can give me.

On another note, I read you are a Spartan fan, so that must mean you live or are from South Central MI. I lived there for almost 5 years. My oldest child was baptized in St. Thomas Aquinas Church there in East Lansing. People there were so nice. I don't miss the cold and the snow tho!!!

Thank you for reading this.

Thanks you guys! The rewards of trying to stay on a course have been amazing.
Go Green LB3!

AGG, you know I have the utmost respect for your posts. I have read this sentiment a couple of times from you and I wanted to get some clarification if I could. The philosophy kinda freaks me out because I've certainly had my share of consternation in my relationship with NG (and her with me). What I've leaned on is how we have managed to resolve the natural conflicts that come from 2 people trying to join up in a crazy world. There has been work involved, for sure; fun work, but work.

Where am I going wrong? Am I taking you too literally?
Perhaps you could go back to when you were dating your DW. There must have been things that gave you pause.

thanks for any input.

opt

optimism, I think you got so "green" that you forgot the middle part of my post, maybe?????? If this isn't something you feel comfortable discussing, I understand.

Lol. Not at all littlebit. Just real busy. I'll get to my thoughts on your question asap i promise.

Hey opt,

Thanks for the questions, they are good ones. I thikn it comes down to what the definition of "work" is. Obviously any relationship needs a certain amount of work to fine tune it, since no two people can be completely alike in every way (that would be boring anyway). And of course whenever you add the complexity of second marriages and kids from first marriages, that just makes it things more difficult. So, if we define "work" as an effort to improve yourself, improve the relationship, and learn about your partner to make you the best partner for her, then I am all for it. I am even all for "work" in the sense of trying to resolve small issues that you may have which are normal for two people coming together into a relationship. I believe that everything you had to deal with is in that realm.

What I refer to as "work" that should not be attempted in a dating relationship is work that is intended to overcome a basic incompatibility. So if you have two people who are totally incompatible in some ways, and start discovering that incompatibility as the butterflies wear off, I would suggest that they move on to find someone they are compatible with. You can't overcome serious incompatibility with work or therapy - you can learn to accept it and live with it, but you will never be compatible, and IMO will be selling the relationship short. That is the whole point of dating - find someone that you are compatible with.

From personal experience, I dated different women that I liked in many ways, but in each case there was something that was beyond a small issue that could be worked - it was a matter of not seeing important things the same way, or an issue that was so big that I had no intention of dealing with it (I am sure I shared my examples here before, but things like mental illness, dishonesty, brother who is child molester, poor boundaries with ex-lovers, etc, were dealbreakers for me). In contrast, when I met my now-wife, everything just clicked. I don't mean just the Infatuation-click, I mean even after two years of dating (and now 3 years of marriage), we just get each other and work well as a team. We never had to "work" on any issue of significance. It does not mean that neither of us had to make some adjustments, of course we did - but it was never work, it was to improve our relationship even more. Not to salvage a disaster. I see too many people on here trying to save a disaster relationship, and that is what I am always preaching against. There are way too many good people out there to waste time with Mr/s Wrongs...

But again, based on what I read about you and Ms. NG, I think you guys are in good shape, and I am very happy for you!

AGG

What does basic incompatibiity mean anyway? What would be examples of this? As the butterflies and newness wear off, realities will present themselves. I would think that you would know this person well enough to know whether or not they met the most basic compatibilities or not before you married them unless there was some dishonesty. ???? Maybe I am not seeing something here.

I believe that there would have to have been some pretending going on for "basic incompatibilities" to present themselves when the butterflies wear off.

Lovebusters can also make someone close down and not able to continue to meet certain needs that fell into the compatible category at first.

I believe that love, respect, caring for the other person, that person loving, respecting and caring for you, can overcome almost any "incompatible" issue.

I had a thought. I guess you might not know that the person you married is incapable of true honesty, true intimacy and b/c of this, certain issues present themselves. Then you may realize that you are on different pages. Then it would become a bigger problem when that person can't/won't work on those issues and keep on making the destructive choices. That would be an example of basic incompatibility. I couldn't ever get my H to want to change/not do these things and work on his issues so they wouldn't cause destruction. This falls under the category of dishonesty to me. So, you didn't know you weren't equally yoked, didn't know that there would be such incompatibility b/c you can't be in a relationship with someone doing destructive things, so, that means leave them?