First, your wife is an alcoholic and you need to seek FULL custody.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And your statement that you don know I she is still drinking tells me that she is.

Do you want her kids around drunks? You need to protect them from her self destructive behavior.

I strongly encourage you to tell your attorney that you want a Guardian ad Litem appointed for your kids. The judge relies on the report of the ad Litem when making custody decisions.

And you really need to attend AlAnon. The fact that you are seeking to allow you kids to be raised by a drunk 50% of the time shows that you are in your own cloud.

It's just the MB way to approach it. Regardless of the situation you're in, it's how healthy couples resolve things like insecurities. Just because you're not a healthy couple doesn't mean you can't implement the strategies, in fact it's even more necessary.


You said you were being accused of having an affair. Certainly your kids are aware of these accusations. To what extent they are aware is absolutely your right to know, and your responsibility to find out. "Hey Johnny, I'm concerned about some things that have been said about me. What have you heard? Don't worry, you're not going to get anyone in trouble." There are other ways to get into the conversation. Personally I'd have a family meeting, I think it's that serious. I'd ask my wife, in front of everyone, to tell me face to face if she thinks I'm being unfaithful and then to produce the proof. Even in the judicial system a person has a right to face their accuser.
If my WW had asked me to do this I would have gladly done so as I KNEW she was being unfaithful and I would have been very truthful about what I knew and what I didn't know. Facts are facts and kids thrive on the truth, and suffer from half-truths, shrouded beliefs, and outright lies.

Again, in age appropriate ways, it's more important that kids get the real story than get jerked around with lies. I know what you're saying and I had the same reluctance. In retrospect I don't think it would have been harmful to expose more of the truth to them than I did. They will NOT love their mother less, I can promise you that; I truly believe that bond is unbreakable. They may be upset, but that's a good thing - accountability is what that would teach them. They certainly arent' learning anything about accountability with the current approach.

I agree with HDW above, also. You're going to fight the full custody/unfit drunk pill-popping mother fight eventually anyway. It's essential to start it now.

opt

Interestingly I'm fighting against a custody evaluator who called her a "functioning alcoholic" then granted her a parenting schedule that was as close to sole custody as she could get and still call it "joint"

Okay.
I understand you have a custody evaluator.
Your kids needs a Guardian ad Litem ASAP

I asked me atty about gardian ad litem. Awaiting an answer.

This might seem like a stupid question but is it possible for someone to drink heavily for years and then stop and NOT be an alcoholic and be perfectly safe for the kids without going to treatment?

No.
The exception may be a college kid partying and drinking.
But your wife was hiding bottles. Does she use breath freshened too?

It's impossible for her to stop without treatment. The First Step is to acknowledge that one is powerless over alcohol.

Your wife is probably still drinking. Just better at hiding the bottles.
Another tool you can consider is;

Ask your atty to require drug and alcohol testing ( does she smoke dope?)

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. She has to hit bottom before she starts to rise, if ever

Also, one addiction can lead to another and can lead to another..... Her addictive personality, and the problems that it brings will harm the children. She will not be able to be truly present for them to meet their emotional needs. She will not be able to connect and bond with them while she is partaking in her addiction(s). The "fix" is the most important thing to addicts - whatever that may be, and she will sacriice everything for it. She won't say that, but that is how it is.

SBT, your question is not stupid at all.
I stopped drinking around 2 years ago. Stopped cold. No AA, not really anything. I just decided that I didn't need it in my life while I was going through a divorce/trying to save my marriage. There was also an indcident involving me using very poor judgement and putting my kids at risk. I had begun drinking for different reasons than before (not that the other reasons were commendable).

Anyway. To give make my point I'll tell you that my drinking wasn't "problematic" by most standards. I didn't hide bottles. I didn't beat my wife or kids. I didn't stay out all night. I just enjoyed Harpoon and Sam Adams like most other people in today's society. I would have a couple after work and on bowling night, and out for dinner.

Here's the thing: when I quite for good it was a BIG DEAL. I was very willing to share the news with people (although most didn't understand). I would go to parties and have to explain "I quit that...". I told my kids I wasn't drinking anymore. I talked aobut it with my STBXW. Let me tell you something, for most people who drink, cutting it out of your life is a big major adjustment. It does't go un-noticed. Not by the drinker or anyone around them.

I think, from what you've posted here, that it is HIGHLY unlikely that your ww has stopped drinking.

I second all the others in the above discussion. I would not back down to this lady and her nasty attorney, no matter how much they have convinced you that it is in your best interest to roll over and take it quietly.

Believe in the truth. The truth will prevail.

opt

Any update?

Yes. I'll update later tonight.

Therein lies my biggest problem with her current behavior. I know she is still drinking socially. And she had admitted to drinking so much she couldn't drive home about a month ago. However, she will claim it's just social drinking and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem I have is that she doesn't admit to ever having a problem. She denies all of it. The denial sounds to me like she isnt in any kind of lasting recovery.

Btw, I also believe her "social" drinking is part of the reason she has poor boundaries with men. She can't/doesn't control it while drinking. Even casually.

More later...

Your marriage to an alcoholic has made you sick.
Did you ask for a Guardian ad Litem for your children?

I lived with a codependent wife for years. She was codependent on her alcoholic mother and mentally Ill. I became sick during 10 years of marriage.
Everyone (neighbors, others) saw problems. I didn't.

AlAnon can help you recover from your wife's alcoholism.

But your children need outside perspective and a Guardian Ad Litem can provide that

I asked. I didn't get an answer. I'll ask again tomorrow.

I'm interested to know why you think I am sick. I agree I have struggled with codependent behaviors. However, I think I see it all for what it is. I think she needs help. I'm also trying to navigate a legal process where I am at a disadvantage. She is an expert at living two lives. Nobody, besides me, saw or noticed her drinking.

I strongly encourage you to attend an AlAnon meeting.

I have on and off. I haven't for a few months. I'll go back.

This is from before. Looks like you have a trial in the next couple of weeks.
Will there be a separation agreement involved with this trial?
Since we MB never recommends "leaving" but Plan B requires you not subject yourself to the abuse of lying and cheating and alcoholism, a legal SEPARATION agreement, sanctified by the courts would be a very good first step in your recovery from this situation.

If you get the separation agreement, you can go Plan B and have a chance at some clarity.

opt

Yes. I'd imagine the trial would determine final parenting time schedules and we will be in separate homes. I intend to plan B at that time for my own benefit. I recognize how unhealthy this situation is but I also have no way out of it right now. I have no legal grounds to leave and take my kids and I dont trust her with them for extended periods...more than the time I am at work during the day.

So, after the trial you will have the "legal grounds" you're looking for.

To make sure you take advantage of this situation, get a few things established ahead of time. For instance, make sure your attorney and hers are aware that you have no intention of communicating with her directly but will do so via a trusted friend. There will be no verbal interaction between you and your wife, emails will be filtered through the friend and you will have your phone number changed -- if there is an emergency, she can contact your intermediary and they will contact you directly.

This is not because you are trying to be vindictive or mean. Let everyone know that it is simply too painful and destructive for you to continue to be in contact with her. Every time you see her or hear her voice it sets back your recovery by reminding you of the infidelity, the dishonesty, the alcoholism, the intimidation. Tell everyone the truth: you're a broken man and in order to restore yourself you have got to eliminate the presence of your aggressor.

I'm hoping you can heal, SBT. I'm hoping you can gain some objectivity. And I'm hoping you can take some time for yourself and your children to put in place the principles you've learned here including avoiding LB's (with your kids and with everyone in your life, including yourself). And then establishing some boundaries. [If you haven't read that book yet, it would be job #1 once you move out -- Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend].

I would also push for the LONGEST interim period you can get if you have any hope of recovering your marriage. If there is a "waiting period" before the divorce becomes final, see if you can get your attorney to get the longest one possible. This will allow your ex more time to find out the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. She might just decide to become a good person worthy of your love in that time period, but it won't happen over night.

opt

I forgot she was living with you.
I would politely ask her to leave the bed.
And I hope you have an audio recorder on you at all times?

Are you in an active plan A?