|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
Thank you MNG,  It was a rough night......hoping for a much more positive day today.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
OK....I am done hiding. I can't live like this any longer. I had a melt down last night (alone) and things became very clear.  I have been trickle truthing my husband in an effort to both protect my a$$ and protect him from more pain. I don't want to lie to him anymore. He thinks my last affair has been over for long time.......it hasn't (more like a month and only because my affair is tired of my back and forth) He is already depressed because of me, and on medication. How do I be honest without completely destroying him? I am very afraid for his health. He will NOT come to this site, he still just wants it to be over. Would I be better to just leave it with what he knows? Telling him more would I think be just for my relief not his peace of mind. I know too little to late to be concerned. I just caught myself typing an excuse for my behaviour.....oooops I know better now. I will get my butt kicked for that. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Sadsam777,
This makes sense your posts had the tense feeling of someone who has been lying to their spouse.
Your telling the truth is also the only action which has a chance of saving your marriage long term, you are really stepping up.
Offer to take a polygraph as soon as you can.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Truth will set you free. How did things become clear? Have you read Melodys Exposure 101? You say you have been trickle truthing ... can you elaborate some? You need to be honest and sit your hubby down and ask him if he has any questions, inform him of your trickle truthing ... INfact .. instead of telling him .. maybe sit down and write out a chronological order of all the events .. places, dates... and things that have happened in your affair and let him read it in his leasure time then he can come to YOU with his questions when he has absorbed it all. He may not be expressing what he is feeling right now .. but it will come to a head eventually. God is softening your heart ... and your burden will weigh heavy until you release it all. YEs your hubby is going to be livid... Yes he may leave you ... Yes its going to be tough. You have a very narrow road ahead of you to fix this... maybe FIx is not the correct word ... mend perhaps .. or make up for. Whatever the case come clean .. it will clear your mind. Please let us know what your plan is to get working on your side of the street. Read up here on how to cope with infidelity. Read it all! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html every bit of it ... and the stuff i posted to you earlier. Accept your 2x4s as you may be getting a few more come your way... and turn your ways from your adultery. Your deception will run deep into your hubby for a while and with new info .. will bring this all to a head like it was yesterday. Each time you add new info .. it becomes Dday 1 again. I suggest you send your hubby here ... when hes ready. MNG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Offer to take a polygraph as soon as you can. Good Call Gamma!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
ok....I told him.
I came right out and said that during our marriage I have had affairs.
No excuse, not fault of his, nothing. Only request I had was that when he tells our children, I am present and we do it together.
So much for ducking and whatever the other word was. Here is where i began to feel that there was something not right going on in here. is the above quoted statement true?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,544 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,544 Likes: 9 |
he didn't want any details yet except for when.....and yes, I told him.
The last ended more than 2 years ago and no contact for more than a year. We went to a Christian Marriage counsellor right after the last one. So he knows exactly when it ended. You lied to him, and you lied to us. It seems that the affair was still going on as you wrote this. It's hard to know now whether anything you have said about having told your H, and his reaction, is true.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
Truth will set you free.
How did things become clear?
Have you read Melodys Exposure 101? You say you have been trickle truthing ... can you elaborate some? I sleep alone so I have alot of time to read online and have been reading post after post of people who survive this, from both sides of the affair. I had long lost hope that I could recover and last night I saw a glimmer of something, that maybe we could be alright again. My sins are so dark and dirty, but I am a very good actor. I told him just enough to explain my behaviour at the time, but each time he pressed me I would give a little more. Mostly it was just sex and the need for approval but my last affair was long term and we are very emotionally bonded. He doesn't know any of this. I have read Exposure 101. All of the exposure that was done, (twice as he learned more) didn't cover most of it. I am so ashamed I can hardly look in the mirror and I certainly can't meet my husbands eyes. How on earth do I get out of this mess????
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
he didn't want any details yet except for when.....and yes, I told him.
The last ended more than 2 years ago and no contact for more than a year. We went to a Christian Marriage counsellor right after the last one. So he knows exactly when it ended. You lied to him, and you lied to us. It seems that the affair was still going on as you wrote this. It's hard to know now whether anything you have said about having told your H, and his reaction, is true. It is all true except for my last affair. He was my best friend that got me away from the abusive one a couple years ago......and our friendship turned physical soon after that. I had broken that off a few times but always went back.
Last edited by sadsam777; 07/25/12 06:35 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
30 years of this and apparently your no contact ended recently a few weeks ago. 30 years of lies. If you truly love your husband, why not let him go and quit his suffering. I'm not sure you know how to tell the truth even if you wanted.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Sadsam777,
I think if my W ever tells me the details she will have to write it down. Try writing in out a timeline format and leave room for your BH to write additional questions.
It does not seem so but you are headed in the right direction.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
ok....I told him.
I came right out and said that during our marriage I have had affairs.
No excuse, not fault of his, nothing. Only request I had was that when he tells our children, I am present and we do it together.
So much for ducking and whatever the other word was. Here is where i began to feel that there was something not right going on in here. is the above quoted statement true? Yes that is true, I told him of one first, and then the second after he pressed. The other stuff has come here and there after that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
Mostly it was just sex and the need for approval but my last affair was long term and we are very emotionally bonded. He doesn't know any of this. You see .. he probably senses it... he just doesnt KNOW it. Hence why he presses you about the subject because your stories dont make sense to him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
Sadsam777,
I think if my W ever tells me the details she will have to write it down. Try writing in out a timeline format and leave room for your BH to write additional questions.
It does not seem so but you are headed in the right direction.
God Bless
Gamma I have actually written it down, but it was so ugly I burned it. I'm not sure I could give it to him. 30 years of this and apparently your no contact ended recently a few weeks ago. 30 years of lies. If you truly love your husband, why not let him go and quit his suffering. I'm not sure you know how to tell the truth even if you wanted. I have tried leaving but he begs me to stay....for him and for the kids. Even after learning of multiple affairs, he still says he wants me. I don't deserve him and the nice life I have, but he won't let me go.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Sadsam777,
I don't deserve him and the nice life I have, but he won't let me go.
If you come clean you will deserve your nice life. Honesty is the best compensation a betray spouse can get.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 07/25/12 07:05 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492 |
How to get through this mess? You tell ALL the truth and begin to make amends to your hubby if he will accept it .. write down the history of your affairs.
Here is a few bible verses .. one is going to sting the others may bring some comfort.
Proverbs 23:27-28
27.For an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well. 28. Like a bandit she lies in wait and multiplies the unfaithful among men.
Ecclesiastes 7:14
When times are good, Be happy: but when times are bad consider this" God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.
Hebrews 12:7
Endure hardships as discipline: God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning and patience is better than pride.
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Proverbs 21:3
To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the lord than sacrifice.
MNG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,445 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,445 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 49 |
How to get through this mess? You tell ALL the truth and begin to make amends to your hubby if he will accept it .. write down the history of your affairs.
Here is a few bible verses .. one is going to sting the others may bring some comfort.
Proverbs 23:27-28
27.For an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well. 28. Like a bandit she lies in wait and multiplies the unfaithful among men.
Ecclesiastes 7:14
When times are good, Be happy: but when times are bad consider this" God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.
Hebrews 12:7
Endure hardships as discipline: God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?
Ecclesiastes 7:8
The end of a matter is better than its beginning and patience is better than pride.
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
Proverbs 21:3
To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the lord than sacrifice.
MNG Thank you for the verses. I will read them over and over. I am having a hard time coming to grips with what I did. Alot of it I had mostly swept under the rug, but writing it down, and remembering.....It is just plain nasty. If it makes me sick, I can only imagine what it will do to my husband and kids.  Question, is it imperative that my kids know ALL the details or just that I cheated many times?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Sadsam777,
It is just plain nasty. If it makes me sick, I can only imagine what it will do to my husband and kids.
Nooo
Your kids do not need to know everything that your BH needs to know.
Question, is it imperative that my kids know ALL the details or just that I cheated many times?
You just need to apologize for betraying them, and it may be best to give somewhat of a timeline so they can reconcile strange memories they have of your behavior. In my experience kids often will notice "mommy never kisses daddy the way my friends parents kiss each other"
I think what my W mostly wants from my FIL, who cheated horribly on my MIL, is for my FIL to apologize in front of all the kids to my MIL.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 07/26/12 08:17 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995 |
The conversation with the kids about an A is different based on age. My 11 and 9 year olds got, "mommy was in an inappropriate relationship with xxx. She has hurt me and now that we no longer will be spending time with (xxx's family) its going to hurt all of us. Mommy and I have decided we want to work thru our problems and we both love you 2 more than anything." The kids have not mentioned any of their names since that day.
With adult children, I guess, you could go into more detail if they asked. I suspect, however, they already knew something wasnt kosher in their parents' marriage. Trying to make it work may be a relief to them.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
153
guests, and
130
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
